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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If the police brought your teenager home in the middle of the night....

204 replies

Breeks · 04/04/2017 08:52

Would you expect your dh to get up to see what's going on?

This is precisely what happened last night. Our teenage son (15) sneaked out at midnight to meet some other teenagers for a 'drink and a smoke'(!) They scattered when they were accosted by the police who were out doing the rounds anyway. Ds was caught and found to have his dad's Stanley knife on his person, which he says he took out for protection.

They brought him home at 2.45 am. I heard the door and got up to answer it, after which I let them in and took them into the living room to hear them out. He is being charged with possession of a knife and the charge will go to a children's panel. They don't think it will come to anything permanent, but because he's nearly 16 they won't let it slide.

Ds is a good boy overall - never been in any trouble to speak of before. He's crapping himself which I am not doing anything to soothe. He has been an idiot.

But my point is, the police were here talking to me for about half an hour - till 3.15 am. They took my details, dh's details, asked this question and that question and gave ds a good talking to. In that whole time dh didn't come to see what was going on. He left me to deal with whatever it was, by myself. He stayed in the bedroom and kept well out of it.

What do you make of that? AIBU to feel thoroughly unsupported and let down by him? That's not appropriate is it?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 04/04/2017 16:48

I think you put TMI in your OP. It raised lots of questions, some of which were relevant TBH.
If this was the first or tenth time this has happened for instance.

Crumbs1 · 04/04/2017 17:09

With all due respect and little to go on, if you have your son "in hand and sorted" last night would not have happened. He is at such risk of serious injury or death from knife crime.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 04/04/2017 17:11

Ok, if you wanted him to get up you should have got him up.

Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 17:21

Saor I've got no experience of police involvement with me or my family so I was like a rabbit in the headlights. I simply showed them in and heard them out. I listened and nodded and didn't interrupt. I expected dh to appear at any moment but he never did. I wish I had just gone to get him but I was stunned.

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 04/04/2017 17:27

Maybe he had stayed upstairs because he was in a state of shock too? What I guess I'm trying to say is yes, he should have come downstairs, but like you say, none of us knows how we're going to react (and I say that as the step parent of a child who has been responsible for more than one midnight knock at the door from the police). Rather than being pissed off with him, can you explain why you felt so isolated and upset that he didn't come down?

Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 17:37

I'm just gutted that his first thought is for himself rather than being sure everyone is ok. His house, his kids, his wife...and where was he?

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 04/04/2017 17:41

kids can sneak out without the best parent knowing. teens have enough nouse to be sneaky and quiet.

his social anxiety was probably the reason.

MrsJayy · 04/04/2017 17:48

Op your husband should have got up and supported you sorry you had to deal with that on your own if he wasn't awake you should have got him up but he was and hid which is a shitty thing to do.

Meekonsandwich · 04/04/2017 17:49

In a gang xD lol I mean it's not impossible, but I know plenty of my friends have carried knives with them. Like, 5 ft nothing girls who didn't want to get mugged.

It was a stupid mistake. But one that hopefully he will learn from.

Yeah I would have been annoyed that dh didn't come down stairs, I would have woken him up and dragged him downstairs. Make him go to the interview maybe?

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 04/04/2017 17:49

I would be fucking fuming. However as soon as I seen it was the police and they'd came in. I'd of went upstairs and got my dh to come down.

Massively unsupportive.

Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 17:51

He's not in a gang. I did smile at that one. We don't have gangs here. It's a small place...there are no gangs. He's not a gangster, he's a muppet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 17:52

And thank you. x

OP posts:
KlondikeBar · 04/04/2017 17:52

Have we established if DH was actually awake or not yet?

AppleOfMyEye10 · 04/04/2017 17:53

Your dh was very UR to not check what's happening? How can he not be concerned that a policeman and your son where at his home in the middle of the night??
Anyway it's a good thing your DS is crapping himself and hopefully this is a massive wake up call for him. It could have turned out worse.

onceandneveragain · 04/04/2017 17:54

I agree with you OP - really weird behaviour. Surely one of the biggest benefits of having a partner is for someone to be there to support you when things get tough?

I'm speaking with someone as social anxiety by the way. Yes it's horrible - but sometimes you have to force yourself through the distress/nerves to do stuff. Otherwise you wouldn't live.
What if you hadn't been there? Would he have answered the door?

I think you need to raise this with your DH and he needs to acknowledge his issues have gone beyond slight niggles, to being life-limiting, and hopefully get some sort of therapy. People tend to get more anxious as they get older and anxiety can get worse if not treated- do you really want to spend the rest of your life being the only one who can sort out the gas bill/go to the shop/visit your children when they live away etc. etc?

Has he given any reason for why he didn't get up?

Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 17:55

I went into him after they left, where he was lying awake in bed saying he heard voices but had no idea what was going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 18:00

Obviously I couldn't be dealing with it then as I had my son to manage.
I ended up fuming about it after ds had been dispatched to bed. Dh was up by then. I confronted him and he stormed off. I 'slept' on the sofa. We have not spoken since. I have spent the day with ds having dropped his younger siblings off to a pre-arranged trip this morning.

OP posts:
6demandingchildren · 04/04/2017 18:02

Did he know it was the police? My husband does not have anxiety but if the door went in the middle of the night (like it has done) it's me that get up to answer it, unless my hubby knew it was the police he probably wouldn't come down either be probably wouldn't even look out of the window, i would have to go and get him then he probably would want to get dressed.
As for your son he is good at sneeking out it seems but at least he isn't a lier as he told the truth. I have 5 boys they are all good lads but made a few wrong choices but they learnt from it like we all do xx

Orangetoffee · 04/04/2017 18:06

Your h let you (and DS) down, both during the night with the police and later when he had his tantrum and stormed off.
He needs tomtake responsibility for his anxiety and behaviour.

HighwayDragon1 · 04/04/2017 18:06

Why didn't you shout him down? If the police had shown up here I'd tell to DH to come down.

I realise you don't want to talk about your son, but you realise this won't be the first time he's done this. Just the first time he's been caught.

Iamastonished · 04/04/2017 18:11

What would all those mumsnetters who never answer the door have done?

Sparklingbrook · 04/04/2017 18:13

I would have looked out of the window first to see who was at the door at that hour.
Then woken DH up as the Police were at the door which is never good news.

Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 18:18

I do know. I am not wearing mummy goggles and I am aware.
I don't want to discuss my son because of the seriousness of the incident. This is a public forum.

OP posts:
kierenthecommunity · 04/04/2017 18:20

Presumably you were crapping yourself someone knocked on the door in the early hours in the first place, I know this is a bit of a gender stereotype but what bloke would let his missus go down and answer the door? What if had been a distraction burglar or something?

Or if you'd looked out first and seen it was the old bill not to rush down, worried they were bringing bad news?

Odd behaviour all round. I would have been fuming too.

thatdearoctopus · 04/04/2017 18:22

So, he heard the doorbell, knew you'd gone downstairs and were talking to some people in the house for up to half an hour and he had no idea what was going on? It didn't occur to him to come downstairs to find out what the hell was happening?

Astounding! I'm not surprised you're not talking to him. I'd be beyond livid, social anxiety or not.