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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If the police brought your teenager home in the middle of the night....

204 replies

Breeks · 04/04/2017 08:52

Would you expect your dh to get up to see what's going on?

This is precisely what happened last night. Our teenage son (15) sneaked out at midnight to meet some other teenagers for a 'drink and a smoke'(!) They scattered when they were accosted by the police who were out doing the rounds anyway. Ds was caught and found to have his dad's Stanley knife on his person, which he says he took out for protection.

They brought him home at 2.45 am. I heard the door and got up to answer it, after which I let them in and took them into the living room to hear them out. He is being charged with possession of a knife and the charge will go to a children's panel. They don't think it will come to anything permanent, but because he's nearly 16 they won't let it slide.

Ds is a good boy overall - never been in any trouble to speak of before. He's crapping himself which I am not doing anything to soothe. He has been an idiot.

But my point is, the police were here talking to me for about half an hour - till 3.15 am. They took my details, dh's details, asked this question and that question and gave ds a good talking to. In that whole time dh didn't come to see what was going on. He left me to deal with whatever it was, by myself. He stayed in the bedroom and kept well out of it.

What do you make of that? AIBU to feel thoroughly unsupported and let down by him? That's not appropriate is it?

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 04/04/2017 11:17

Personally I would have gone upstairs and turned the light on and say you need to come down NOW. However that is now past. As another poster said you need to speak to him about how you will deal with the matter going forward.

No doubt your son will be expected to attend the police station (with you and I would say you must insist your DH attends too.) He will just have to go through his feelings of anxiety to be there for both you and more importantly your DS.

It may very well that your otherwise well behaved son has been pressurised by his peer group to go out (it is Easter hols here so I assume it is there too). Teens can be quite sneaky. I found out that my same aged son had been out in to town during the night too during a routine check of his instagram. They weren't even smoking or drinking just cycling round town and taking selfies! He even knows that every now and then I check it. How daft is he to post it on there?! Believe it or not teens do "have a drink or smoke" too and people are naive if they don't think theirs has at any time. It is not the fact that they do it it is how you deal with what they have done when they find out.

If your DS gets a caution for carrying an offensive weapon this will not be treated as having to be disclosed (for criminal purposes) once he turns 18. However, if he needs to have a DBS check then it will still need to be disclosed for a further 2 years ( as I believe it is an offence that will be able to be "spent" for the purpose of DBS 2 years after 18 - some offences for the purposes of DBS remain there always!). My son needed a DBS check for his university course because there was a practical element that involved him working with children/young people. Thus a caution may have a bit more effect than some people realise.

Going forward speak to DH separately that DS and ask for his support.

As for DS -all the usual punishments grounding, removal of electronics etc - you know what works for him.

Even after we found out our DS had been out during the night he planned it again (left his shoes and torch by the back door). Unfortunately for him he slept through, missed going out with his friends and I discovered his "kit" by the back door in the morning before he was even awake. Fortunately this "craze" appears to have stopped now.

When you go to the police station if it looks as though they are going to treat it any more seriously than a caution then I would make sure he is legally represented by the duty solicitor. PM if you want to.

Nicknacky · 04/04/2017 11:24

Op, are you in Scotland or England?

MrsJayy · 04/04/2017 11:29

Sounds like Scotland because she said Childrens panel.

Nicknacky · 04/04/2017 11:32

MrsJayy That's what I thought but had no idea if they have children's panel in England. In that case it's perfectly normal to return a juvenile home and charge them in the presence of their parents and they will not return to the station at a later date for interview.

stella23 · 04/04/2017 11:35

*Your son is caught with a bladed article and the thing that upsets you most is that your husband didn't get out of bed?

Your priorities are really skewed.

this

I have two (older) boys. I can tell you with 100% clarity that neither of them would have ever sneaked out in the middle of the night for a 'drink and a smoke'. Or gone anywhere with a knife (the fact that it's a Stanley knife from a drawer makes no difference whatsoever, a knife is a knife).*

She hasn't said that her dh is her priority, she has started a post about her dh lack of support and wanting some clarity.
Maybe she is absolutely sure about the action she will take with her ds.

Also, my mum would have been 💯% sure that I wasn't sneaking out the house, little did she know. Don't be so smug

kierenthecommunity · 04/04/2017 11:36

In respect of whether he has been 'charged', it sounds to me like they carried out a contemporaneous interview with him with his mother present. Given that he was found in possession and appears to have admitted the offence, this will be sufficient for a charging decision. However, due to his clean record and age, the decision has been made to refer him to Youth Offending for triage educational work rather than a charge

Yeah I've been wracking my brains and this was the only scenario I could come up with too. Admittedly if I'd be dealing I'd be reluctant to contemp notes a teenager as I would rather it was all recorded digitally, and have given them a chance to ask for legal representation if they wanted it etc.

I'm surprised the bobbies didn't insist for dad to come down, I would have.

Nicknacky · 04/04/2017 11:40

keiren We do it differently in Scotland, we don't need to interview in circumstances where there is enough evidence for arrest.

kierenthecommunity · 04/04/2017 11:49

We don't need to arrest either and in those circs where a kid had a home to go to and wasn't an obvious risk I probably wouldn't have either. But I'd have probably had him come back for a voluntary interview, do you do those?

Nicknacky · 04/04/2017 11:52

No, we don't do voluntary interviews at all and don't interview if we have enough evidence. I had a serious assaul recently caught on camera so no interview. Detained for enquiry then arrested.

Added to that, duty officers really, really don't want juveniles in the custody suite and will only enter a police office if it is completely unavoidable.

kierenthecommunity · 04/04/2017 11:57

Interesting how it's all done differently! VAs are pretty good as it's pretty much like having all the 'rights' of being arrested (free legal advice etc) but without the custody bit

We were hoping to do one the other day with a juvenile at about 10pm but we couldn't get an appropriate adult (parents not interested, emergency social care had no one) so they ended up in the cells. Not ideal

ImperialBlether · 04/04/2017 11:57

Nicknacky, please could I ask you a question in a PM re police work?

Nicknacky · 04/04/2017 11:59

imperial Feel free and if I can help I will

Nicknacky · 04/04/2017 12:02

Keiren Up until a few years ago our detainees didn't even get legal advice, all they were entitled to was to have a solicitor notified of their detention/arrest. Simple times lol!

ThePiglet59 · 04/04/2017 12:13

Is your OH the boy's father?

Sometimes a step-parent is discouraged from being involved in the discipline of a child by the child's parent.

Just a thought.

Whatever the case, the child is actually a yob and not a 'good boy'.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2017 12:32

"Dh is a hands on dad at home and very committed to the family but long hours and social anxiety keeps him back from parents evenings, appointments, school plays...things like that. I attend those things alone for the most part. A part of me does resent it but I mostly accept it.

I can't accept his reticence on this one however. Seems so selfish."

Social anxiety be damned! The police were in the house and your husband was awake, he should have come downstairs and found out what was going on. What would he have done if you been away? Or ill? Would he have stayed in bed with the covers over his head and his fingers in his ears? He was in his home. On his own territory. I'd be so pissed off with him.

Trifleorbust · 04/04/2017 12:34

It's almost like he's given up. Have you had these problems before?

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 04/04/2017 12:41

Why didn't you go up, turn the bedroom light on and tell him he needs to come downstairs right now?

^^ this! My DP is deaf in one ear and wouldn't hear a bomb going off at night (he sleeps on his good ear) but if I've ever needed him to get up he has because I've gone and got him.

You're getting all steamed up about your DH and minimising what your DS has done. It's not "just" a Stanley knife, have you seen what those things can do? And it's not a "childish notion" it's a serious criminal offence. Whether you choose to discuss it or not, your DS is the one in the wrong here. And so are you if you continue to minimise dangerous and criminal behaviour.

LoupGarou · 04/04/2017 12:57

I'm in the US and knife laws here are a lot more relaxed, every fifteen year old in our community carries a knife. I think its perfectly possible sneak out with a knife to go and have a smoke and drink with friends at fifteen whilst still being a "good boy".

Did any of the other friends have knives? If so I would find that very concerning, its a whole lot different to one teenager having one in a display of crap judgement. Again, if he likes to torture small animals in his spare time, or anything of that ilk I would also be very concerned.

Most teenagers do stupid things without that thinking of the consequences, hopefully this will be a very sobering lesson for him. A new group of friends or moving schools sounds like it might be worth considering. Also there is a vast gulf between carrying a knife, and actually using one as a weapon, having a knife on you is useful for so many things.

Back to your question YANBU, I would have wanted my DH to come downstairs and support me as it must have been a heck of a shock.

Trifleorbust · 04/04/2017 13:09

LoupGarou:

He isn't carrying it to trim rope, Loup. He said it was for protection, i.e. a weapon, not a tool.

LoupGarou · 04/04/2017 13:12

Yes Trifle but there is still a huge gulf between saying you are carrying a weapon for protection and actually using it for protection. It is quite a big step mentally for most people to use a weapon on another person, very, very different to saying you would use one for that.

JamesDelayneysTattoos · 04/04/2017 13:13

loup you say that every 15 year old boy in your community carries a knife then say if op's dc friends were carrying too you would find that concerning. Aren't you contradicting yourself?

LoupGarou · 04/04/2017 13:15

No JamesDelayneysTattoos, as I said I'm in the US, and we live in a remote place where there are all sorts of dangers and big predators. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at anyone carrying a weapon here. In the UK though? Very different situation and I'm sure you realise that.

Bestthingever · 04/04/2017 13:16

I think it's ridiculous that you're posting on an online forum about your dh when your ds has some serious issues going on. Yes I think it's unacceptable that your dh didn't get up but that's not really the problem right now. You don't seem overly concerned about what your ds has done. I have two teenage boys (17 and 14). Neither them nor their friends are goody two shoes they wouldn't do something like that. It's bloody dangerous to have a knife. It could get turned on you. That's what I'd be worrying about this morning.

LoupGarou · 04/04/2017 13:17

And I said every fifteen year old, not just the boys - girls aren't immune from becoming something's next snack unfortunately.

Nicknacky · 04/04/2017 13:18

Loup It may not be a massive issue in your community but knife crime is a MASSIVELY issue in Britain and I think I'm right in saying its one of the main causes of death in young men.

Please don't minimise it.

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