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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If the police brought your teenager home in the middle of the night....

204 replies

Breeks · 04/04/2017 08:52

Would you expect your dh to get up to see what's going on?

This is precisely what happened last night. Our teenage son (15) sneaked out at midnight to meet some other teenagers for a 'drink and a smoke'(!) They scattered when they were accosted by the police who were out doing the rounds anyway. Ds was caught and found to have his dad's Stanley knife on his person, which he says he took out for protection.

They brought him home at 2.45 am. I heard the door and got up to answer it, after which I let them in and took them into the living room to hear them out. He is being charged with possession of a knife and the charge will go to a children's panel. They don't think it will come to anything permanent, but because he's nearly 16 they won't let it slide.

Ds is a good boy overall - never been in any trouble to speak of before. He's crapping himself which I am not doing anything to soothe. He has been an idiot.

But my point is, the police were here talking to me for about half an hour - till 3.15 am. They took my details, dh's details, asked this question and that question and gave ds a good talking to. In that whole time dh didn't come to see what was going on. He left me to deal with whatever it was, by myself. He stayed in the bedroom and kept well out of it.

What do you make of that? AIBU to feel thoroughly unsupported and let down by him? That's not appropriate is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 18:23

It was a polite knock...not a BOOM BOOM BOOM. I was more curious than afraid. I did not expect it to be the police. I was shocked.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/04/2017 18:24

Actually kieren makes a good point.

I hadn't thought about the fact that the first you knew of DS sneaking out was a bang on the door at 2.45am! A knock on the door at that hour would have been unusual and scary enough to have everyone awake in this house!

Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 18:25

Oh - he didn't hear the intitial knock. He would have heard me bringing them in though as they had to pass the bedroom door and they were talking and the radios were going etc...lights were going on. Total disturbance.

OP posts:
kierenthecommunity · 04/04/2017 18:25

Had he heard the knock? Or did you shout up to let him know it was the police?

kierenthecommunity · 04/04/2017 18:26

Crossed post!

OverthinkingSpartacus · 04/04/2017 18:37

It's not rare for teenagers to sneak out at night, some of my friends talk of when they did it, and how they'd be horrified if their DC did the same, their parents still think they'd never do such a thing.

My teenage step brother did it a few times, and the first time anyone was aware was when the police brought him home at 4am, both were mortified, stepdad always thought only troubled teens snuck out, drank, smoked etc, step dad soon stopped judging other families after that incident though.

My other brother and other DC would often sleep in the tent in each other's gardens, all the houses gardens backed on to each other and they'd sneak out in middle of night to pinch fruit and stuff from greenhouses, most of them had penknives and could easily have been dragged back home by police, oddly, I remember adults would fondly talk of how they did the same and not be angry about it. I found it confusing that step brother was bollocked and punished for wandering streets at night with mates when he should be in bed, but my brother didn't get in trouble for being in streets in middle of night stealing fruit and milk.

If the police came to my house for any reason at all, I'd be there like a shot wanting to know why. If it was early hours of morning and I heard voices etc, even recognising them as dh and dd, I'd be up wondering what the hell they were doing.

OP hasn't said anything to indicate that she isn't angry with her son, she's not asking for advice because they've got that part sorted, she can be angry about more than one thing at once and I don't think she's being unreasonable for being pissed off that her husband didn't come to see whats happening when he hears voices in his home in early hours of morning.

kierenthecommunity · 04/04/2017 18:39

He's not in a gang. I did smile at that one. We don't have gangs here. It's a small place...there are no gangs

TBF there are gangs everywhere. Are there people with money to buy drugs? Then there are gangs. It's not an exclusive inner city kind of thing anymore, sadly. And kids younger than yours help deal them, they see it as easy money. It's a genuine problem

kierenthecommunity · 04/04/2017 18:41

(Not saying your son is admittedly but don't automatically dismiss the idea out of hand because you live in a naice place)

Floggingmolly · 04/04/2017 18:49

Your 15 year old was out in the small hours without your knowledge carrying an offensive weapon; and you smile at the suggestion that he may be involved with gangs or at the very least keeping undesirable company?
Why are you so entertained by the notion that he could be heading for big trouble? Hmm
One of you needs to take this seriously.

Iamastonished · 04/04/2017 18:50

" It's not an exclusive inner city kind of thing anymore, sadly"

Our naice local market town has a problem with weed dealers (and probably worse)

GabsAlot · 04/04/2017 18:51

hes a wimp then that could have been worse news than yhour son being dragged home ad he just stayed in bed

i have social anxiety and i would hav got up

thatdearoctopus · 04/04/2017 18:57

they were talking and the radios were going etc...lights were going on. Total disturbance.

It is beyond belief that he didn't come out of his room to see what was happening. I would not settle until I had a damn good explanation of why he thought it was OK to abdicate his parental and marital responsibilities.

thatdearoctopus · 04/04/2017 18:59

I mean, he must have known there were police in the house. That's hardly normal in the middle of the night, and the first conclusions to jump to are that there's been some sort of serious accident to a loved one. He didn't think that was a good enough reason to come to support you?

podrig · 04/04/2017 19:12

Was he genuinely asleep? Pretending? Not even pretending?

It's hard to image tbqh because if I was in that scenario I would waking his dad up and demanding he comes and deals with his son.

Iamastonished · 04/04/2017 19:23

I agree with everyone that is is extremely weird that he wasn't worried enough to come and find out what was going on. Regardless of the fact that he is anxious I would have thought that not knowing what was happening would be worse.

I totally understand why you don't want to discuss your son, and why you feel that your husband has not supported you. Has he actually said why he didn't?

Floggingmolly · 04/04/2017 19:28

He sounds like a lily livered gobshite, op. Seriously, using social anxiety as an excuse not to open the bedroom door and find out what the police were doing in his own house??
What if they'd come to actually see him, for some reason? Would he have hid under the bedcovers?
The fact that he stayed in bed will have sent a very powerful message to your son, unfortunately.

niccyb · 04/04/2017 19:33

I'm sorry but it sounds like you are the one being the responsible adult and your husband is shirking from his responsibilities.
This is a serious issue and your husband needs to starting you even if that's just supporting you and being present!!

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 04/04/2017 19:41

I've just read that he was awake and aware throughout people being in the house. May I humbly revise my opinion to "he's a twat"? I thought he'd somehow slept through it all, sorry.

kaitlinktm · 04/04/2017 19:54

I'm just gutted that his first thought is for himself rather than being sure everyone is ok. His house, his kids, his wife...and where was he?

This is what I think too - have you actually said this to him? What was his response? I don't see how he can defend it. I think staying in bed when someone knocked on the door in the early hours and you were up dealing with it is beyond cowardly whether you are male or female. You are right to be furious and I don't see that he has a leg to stand on.

mygorgeousmilo · 04/04/2017 19:56

Police are in your house, and he does nothing? He either needs immediate psychological help with the worst ever case of social anxiety, or he's just a pig. Could be a pig - having social anxiety doesn't mean someone is automatically excluded from being a self centred bastard. Re: it being a nice area, I grew up in a very, very smart and upmarket area. Houses are in the millions mark now, Waitrose on every bloody corner. We had gangs. Loads of them. They stabbed, beat up, bullied, and generally terrorised each other right into adulthood. A few that I grew up with are now well to do types, and some are in prison. I'm fairly sure most of their parents have absolutely no clue what they were doing. My mum certainly had no idea I was hanging around with them, she thought we were all having sleepovers and braiding each other's hair Hmm in actual fact we (girls) were on hanging around street corners or manky flats with said boys. We were all the same age, and actually friends, nothing happened to us, but the secret gang culture was rife

VestalVirgin · 04/04/2017 19:57

You would be entirely reasonable to tell your husband that you expect more from him in the future.

He can attend school plays, he only has to sit in the audience. If he says he can't do that, make him get therapy. (But really, I call bullshit to that. If he can work, he can obviously deal with being in a room full of people, unless he works from home, but I didn't see any reference to that.)

I have social anxiety, and have a lot of sympathy for sufferers, but really, a man who can't support his wife when dealing with the police just isn't a functional adult. It's not acceptable.

Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 19:59

He hasn't used social anxiety as an excuse. I have mentioned that he has it...he hasn't said anything yet as the kids are still up.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 04/04/2017 20:04

He really hasn't said anything since? Haven't you asked him? Confused

MrsJayy · 04/04/2017 20:35

Was this the final straw with your son is that why your H left you to deal with it? Not that i think he was right to do that

MrsJayy · 04/04/2017 20:38

BtwI'm not looking to slag your son off just if there has been issues before this might have been to much for your H to deal with.