Aibu about how I feel about my partners best friend around our kid?

[HumDrumMum15]

My partner has this friend he's known for years but only really spent a lot more time together the last two years. He is genuinely a nice guy and friendly albeit a bit annoying on occasion.

He's great with my 6yr old DS chatting to him about his interests which my son loves and gets annoyed when I say we have to leave or whatever the situation may be.

My concern is that this bloke seems a bit too interested in my son. Anytime he is around his first question is his where abouts and what he's doing. Then tries to get his attention and start the chat. Now I know this doesn't seem unorthodox but I know he's lonely and struggles to find and keep relationships but his 'relationship ' with my son makes me uncomfortable and my partner thinks I'm overthinking this situation. Then comes the point my partner has been out with his friend and brings him back to the house after a few drinks, not drunk but tipsy, and announces his friend is stopping over for the night. Straight away I'm making plans for me to either sleep in the room with my son or to get my son in with me. We have a spare room so space isn't the issue. My alarm bells are ringing so straight away I get my son organised to sleep in my room and my son gets upset because he thinks he's gonna share with my partners best friend. Then best friend says 'it's ok he can stay ill just sleep next to him'. Hell no. It took me saying no 3 times to get this man to understand that this was not happening!!

How does a man in his early 40's not realise that this is a no go??

I know this is one sided and completely my brain in overdrive but tell me I'm not alone in thinking this is unreasonable behaviour on his part???

Based on the info OP has provided, it is impossible to say one way or another whether this is grooming. However, I would absolutely not let an adult man sleep in the same room as my DS.

Because yes if my 6 yr old son said it was ok for a 40 yr old man, to share his bed I would agree no problem! Seriously?

It was a lot easier to take the child into her bed and not spend any more time arguing with someone who was pissed, Telling him "NO" 3 times was plenty. I would rather wake my child up for a few minutes then let him go back to sleep in my bed than leave him in his own bed anywhere near that man. What if he had got up in the middle of the night and 'accidently while pissed and disorientated in a strange house' got in with the son?

There is no reasoning with someone pissed, just let them go to bed and sleep it off THEN have the convo that his suggestion was out of line, quite concerning if he actually cared to think about it so wtf was he thinking?

Completely agree with kitty.

gingina the OP did exactly what I would have done. She took her son to be in her bed with her.

I would not have wanted to share a child's bed with a child. I would not allow someone I suspected of having dodgy (all be unconfirmed) motives sleep in my house with my son in another room. So I would have to wake up my son and move him.

The situation was created by the dad and most of all by his's friend, not the mum.

Not everyone feels able to tell the friend of a family member they cannot stay.

Especially when put upon like that I'm the middle of the night!

gingina you say there "wouldn't have been an issue" if the mum had put the man in the spare room and left the son in his room.

But you do not know that there wouldn't't have been an 'issue'! There might not have been any embarrassing comments but there could have been a massive 'issue' if the man ended up in the son's room. Even if he only wanted a chat, it's a massively inappropriate thing and avoiding it is much better than risking it.

No matter how small the risk.

As there is a spare room , why did the son assume the 'guest' would be sleeping in with him?

OP, I would ask your son why he assumed this.

What has happened since with your do, OP. Does he now understand your concerns?

Seems to me that, if the son has a single bed, then it would make more sense for the OP's partner to sleep in that (especially since he's drunk), the son to sleep in with the OP, and the friend to sleep in the spare room.
Makes no sense for the OP to try and share a single bed, when she could have him safely in with her in a big bed. (Plus she has the added advantage of off-loading the drunk-and-likely-to-snore partner into a separate room)

At no point was there ANY need for the friend to sleep beside the son. None. Ever.

There are absolutely no downsides to not encouraging a relationship with an unrelated 40 year old with boundary issues and loads of potential downsides for encouraging it. Child abusive is so pervasive because people refuse to see it. How many people here who see it as no big deal would ask to sleep with an unrelated 6 year old instead of a spare room>?

rosethyme cross posted, so sorry to hear about your Dh.

Gingina I think the OP acted very sensibly.

I don't think people who have suspicions about men's motives but no real evidence etc normally feel able to just call the police on them.

Maybe the OP, could have insisted the man be put in a cab etc. And she could now say to her dp, if this happens again that is what she will do. But in the heat of the moment she acted sensibly.

The all or nothing response could have left her son in danger or had a massive scene in the middle of the night with police involved with no evidence!

I know what I would pick!!

But I would be speaking to do afterwards and also to ds, in a non-leading way about why he has suggested this man sleep in his room with him. Maybe the boy has had primary aged children sleep over and stay in his room, so to him it is normal.

gingina you say there "wouldn't have been an issue" if the mum had put the man in the spare room and left the son in his room
No I didn't. I said she could have slept in with her son without waking him and therefore avoiding the unpleasant scene which happened.
And I thought the guy was tipsy but apparently you know best and he was totally pissed!
My take on the OP is that the son realised he was being moved so the friend could stay the night and innocently asked if he could stay in his room.
But whatever - you all have the situation sussed and any different opinion is obtuse and ridiculous.
Fwiw I would not let a man I was uncomfortable with anywhere near my sons day or night and yes I would have given my DP severe earache if he'd bought someone home to stay without checking with me first. I'm just saying the OP could have handled the situation better!!!!!

Ferdinand - I couldn't agree more.

Gimgina it is ok for us to disagree, you don't need to agree with me.

Tipsey, drink, pissed, I don't know, I don't remember saying I thought he was pissed. But maybe I did.

I respect your wish to get the guy out of the house and if successful, Great. But lots of women do not feel comfortable confronting men or even their own husband with unwelcome 'news/requests/orders'. So to me focusing on the actions of the mum/wife/OP is unhelpful.

OP - have you spoken to your husband re his friend? What was his response?