Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about how I feel about my partners best friend around our kid?

210 replies

HumDrumMum15 · 01/04/2017 12:23

My partner has this friend he's known for years but only really spent a lot more time together the last two years. He is genuinely a nice guy and friendly albeit a bit annoying on occasion.

He's great with my 6yr old DS chatting to him about his interests which my son loves and gets annoyed when I say we have to leave or whatever the situation may be.

My concern is that this bloke seems a bit too interested in my son. Anytime he is around his first question is his where abouts and what he's doing. Then tries to get his attention and start the chat. Now I know this doesn't seem unorthodox but I know he's lonely and struggles to find and keep relationships but his 'relationship ' with my son makes me uncomfortable and my partner thinks I'm overthinking this situation. Then comes the point my partner has been out with his friend and brings him back to the house after a few drinks, not drunk but tipsy, and announces his friend is stopping over for the night. Straight away I'm making plans for me to either sleep in the room with my son or to get my son in with me. We have a spare room so space isn't the issue. My alarm bells are ringing so straight away I get my son organised to sleep in my room and my son gets upset because he thinks he's gonna share with my partners best friend. Then best friend says 'it's ok he can stay ill just sleep next to him'. Hell no. It took me saying no 3 times to get this man to understand that this was not happening!!

How does a man in his early 40's not realise that this is a no go??

I know this is one sided and completely my brain in overdrive but tell me I'm not alone in thinking this is unreasonable behaviour on his part???

OP posts:
ohdoadoodoo · 01/04/2017 16:06

Blue - My DH would sleep on the street rather than feel comfortable sharing the bed of a 6 year old he barely knew

Agreed, as would all men I know.

Sweets101 · 01/04/2017 16:06

Notso that would be anyone so... Yes! I have my friends here, let the gasman in, send them to school and clubs etc, doesn't mean I'm not cautious.

user1491049702 · 01/04/2017 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

underthestarrysky · 01/04/2017 16:19

user
What has that got to do with anything?!

ohdoadoodoo · 01/04/2017 16:21

What? Confused user

TheWoodlander · 01/04/2017 16:21

user1491049702 is best ignored as a goady fucker. They've just pretended to be the neighbour of the OP on another thread.

bloodyfuming9 · 01/04/2017 16:25

I too am shocked that there are people on this thread making excuses for this man.No wonder so many children are abused by friends of the family. Naivety does not even begin to cover it.

It's not just 'friends' of the family, (as several posters have said) but relatives too, that you need to be vigilant about.

user1491049702 · 01/04/2017 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vegansnake · 01/04/2017 16:28

I wonder if this friend has autism,and is just trying to take a friendly interest in his friends child...just a thought.it sounds like the friend dosnt understand boundaries or personal space ,or possibly has an un diagnosed learning difficulties

Vegansnake · 01/04/2017 16:29

I've not read the thread,only the first bit by the op.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2017 16:30

Could be Vegan, he could be totally innocent, but then again, might not. But op has to trust her instincts on this one.

gamerchick · 01/04/2017 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vegansnake · 01/04/2017 16:33

Areo.that goes without saying,I was just wondering out loud..but no one would get within a hairs whisker of my kids if I even suspected any nonsense..instincts are there for a reason.i always trust mine

Patchouli666 · 01/04/2017 16:38

you have to trust your instincts on this. If you are wrong then that's harsh for the friend but if you are right and let this carry on, it doesn't bear thinking about Sod the ins and outs, the dense or not debate, the autistic card etc

Whattodo23 · 01/04/2017 16:59

Trust your instinct. You are definitely doing the right thing. Also don't let your son out with dad and friend, your partner sounds lax

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/04/2017 17:09

Agree with the majority - YANBU - keep him well away from your DS. Discourage his visits to your home, tell your DP that he should stop bringing this friend to your house as you are not comfortable with him.

And yes, absolutely make sure you stay with your DS IF your DP ignores your wishes.

Again, as others have said, instincts are our residual senses picking up on subtle signals - best to pay attention to them, really.

TooGood2BeFalse · 01/04/2017 17:34

My STBXH works coaching a youth sport. One night, one of the teenage lads broke his ankle and had to go to hospital. The boy's 16 year old girlfriend had no ride home and asked my husband to drive her. He absolutely refused unless another coach would join as chaperone. It's a sad world we live in when you can't do a young kids a favour without worrying, but he barely knew her.

There is no way on this earth he would share or offer to share a bed with a friend's child.

And I am divorcing him for various unpleasant reasons.Even someone as much of a bastard as he is wouldn't behave this way. So that does scream 'odd' to me.

SafeToCross · 01/04/2017 17:54

Poor boundaries in the family and room sharing featured in a sexual abuse case I was on jury for, and in other cases I am aware of - the helpful nice friend always babysitting and ready to play when parents are busy and overwhelmed.

Iflyaway · 01/04/2017 17:58

I know he's lonely and struggles to find and keep relationships but his 'relationship ' with my son makes me uncomfortable and my partner thinks I'm overthinking this situation.

Trust your gut on this. Anyway, his relationship history is not your concern. Your DC are. And your partner is not helping.

my son gets upset because he thinks he's gonna share with my partners best friend.

This is so weird coming from a 6-year-old towards a 40-year-old.
Of course it's all innocent and DS takes it all on face value.

I would have a serious talk with your DH about this behaviour. Why is he overriding your concerns? Why does he let his friend override family privacy? And think this is o.k.?

I've had some relationships ending up weird as a LP. My DC comes first ALWAYS.

Janey50 · 01/04/2017 18:01

IMO even if it IS all innocent and above board (and something tells me that it's not) your DP's friend is being incredibly dense regarding this issue. Suggesting that he sleep next to a boy of 6 is definitely overstepping the boundaries.

Roomster101 · 01/04/2017 18:41

He could just be very naive and not realise it would be completely inappropriate to sleep next to your son. However, I think you should trust your instincts as even before this you were suspicious about his motives. It sounds as if you have picked up subtle signals that are difficult to convey.

HelloFreedom · 01/04/2017 19:04

For me, this would be black and white. Your DP's friend would never be allowed unsupervised access to my children. If it is all innocent, then no harm will be done to anyone's feelings or integrity. If he is up to no good he will soon move on...

Feel for you OP. Not pleasant to have to give this headspace.

ApplePaltrow21 · 01/04/2017 19:17

ah, mumsnet, a place where a DH coughing loudly is domestic violence but clear grooming is dismissed as political correctness gone mad.

OP: WELL DONE FOR INTERVENING. Many parents would just do nothing so it's so great that you've spotted that this man is very likely grooming your son and you've tried to stop it. Now, please please please stop this man being around your child full stop. Seriously. When your child is older, you will not be to protect him because he will be old enough for it to seem appropriate for your son to be around just your DP and your DP's friend. How will you stop them taking him to football? Or the cinema? You won't be able to. Draw a line right now and get this man out of your child's life.

I would be binning DP as well if he doesn't back you on this. This is the one situation where I am firmly LTB (leave the bastard).

Also, there are always certain posters (many mumsnet royalty) who pop up to call you hysterical on threads like these. you have to realize that these posters were also all over the jimmy saville and rotherham threads in the early days insisting it was all daily mail hysteria. I remember the old "paediatrician/paedophile" thing being trotted out many many times. They have a terrible track record about child abuse and refuse to learn. Of course, everything is domestic violence. Your DH yawning too loudly is domestic violence but somehow child abuse doesn't exist. Ignore them

ohdoadoodoo · 01/04/2017 19:22

ah, mumsnet, a place where a DH coughing loudly is domestic violence

Grin😂

ohfourfoxache · 01/04/2017 19:27

Listen to your gut feeling - you've got it for a reason.

And if you're wrong? So what. Absolutely no harm done but you've made sure that your ds is safe. Surely it's a no brainer?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.