Aibu about how I feel about my partners best friend around our kid?

[HumDrumMum15]

My partner has this friend he's known for years but only really spent a lot more time together the last two years. He is genuinely a nice guy and friendly albeit a bit annoying on occasion.

He's great with my 6yr old DS chatting to him about his interests which my son loves and gets annoyed when I say we have to leave or whatever the situation may be.

My concern is that this bloke seems a bit too interested in my son. Anytime he is around his first question is his where abouts and what he's doing. Then tries to get his attention and start the chat. Now I know this doesn't seem unorthodox but I know he's lonely and struggles to find and keep relationships but his 'relationship ' with my son makes me uncomfortable and my partner thinks I'm overthinking this situation. Then comes the point my partner has been out with his friend and brings him back to the house after a few drinks, not drunk but tipsy, and announces his friend is stopping over for the night. Straight away I'm making plans for me to either sleep in the room with my son or to get my son in with me. We have a spare room so space isn't the issue. My alarm bells are ringing so straight away I get my son organised to sleep in my room and my son gets upset because he thinks he's gonna share with my partners best friend. Then best friend says 'it's ok he can stay ill just sleep next to him'. Hell no. It took me saying no 3 times to get this man to understand that this was not happening!!

How does a man in his early 40's not realise that this is a no go??

I know this is one sided and completely my brain in overdrive but tell me I'm not alone in thinking this is unreasonable behaviour on his part???

Trust your instincts 100%. If there's no issue then there's no offence caused. I would carefully make sure that this man doesn't come to your home. He's your DP friend so they can socialise outside the home. There's no need for him to come to or stay in your home. How would your DP feel if the worst happened? Perhaps he needs to consider that when telling you that you are overthinking.

Just to address how police & SS view apparent innocent situations.

About 5yrs ago my oldest Dd was cutting through out city centre with a friend after a night out. There was a homeless bloke. She stopped to chat & give him some cash. As a family we all went away on our annual family trip in the UK. My youngest Dd called us 2 days before end of our hols. She stayed at home. For about 4 nights the same car was parked outside our house. She went up to the couple & enquired at their presence. They were looking for our oldest Dd. They had a printout from the cctv to ID her. Turns out the bloke was a registered sex-offender. The police had been monitoring any contact he made. Enter my caring Dd. They'd alleged that he'd been grooming her to "get at" her kids.

They were SS, & requested my daughter attend a specially arranged meeting with her 2 children. We had to cut our hols short. Drive back. GC interviewed separately. Mum questioned regarding her contact with this man. They visited our home. Asked us a few questions. All in the past, but it freaked us out. Better safe than sorry.

I wouldn't want my 6yr sharing a bed with a boozy-breathed bloke. Eugh!

Yoksha I'm really confused at that story.

Why did they think that the man was trying to get at her children (your grandkids?), after a one off encounter with your DD, where she approached him?

And how did he know that she had children if she was in town alone with her friend?

hackmum The solution is obvious, surely - friend sleeps in spare room. Where's the problem?

The problem is that the man suggested sharing a bed with a 6 year old, after the 6 year old got confused about the sleeping arrangements. Rather than a normal response of something like "no, Johnny, I like my own bed. I'll see you in the morning and we can play with your lego, how about that?"
It you know any other reasonable response? the last thing is expect a mate of my DH to say is "Oh I'll share a bed with you Johnny ". In fact they'd probably say "I'll go home actually. I'll get a taxi "

I'm sorry to say that just because they have known eachother 10 yrs does not make him less likely to be interested in your son.

The more frequent visits over the last 2 yrs could be a worry.

Definitely the interest in sharing a bed.

Child abuse by family friends is much more common than many think.

It happened in my family with devastating consequences.

Protect your son, OP.

ALWAYS trust your instincts if alarm bells ring when it comes to your DS. Trusting them won't do any harm but may save some.

Oh gosh please don't let him stay over anymore. Distance you ds from him. It worries me that you DH trusts him so much and my leave him alone with him at some point. It sounds like he's grooming you, dh and ds. I could be wrong but go with your gut instinct. Keep your ds safe.

When I read in the news about children who have been sexually abused by a 'family friend' I wonder how the abuser has been able to pull the wool over the parents' eyes. I suppose abusers are smart getting what they want and groom parents too.

Having said that, I've no idea if this man has a sinister interest in your son. But you'd be foolish to ignore your senses. After all, you're the one who knows him not us. And the whole sharing with your son is weird. We have zero friends who would be up for that.

No that doesn't sit right with me at all OP. YADNBU.

As others have said, you have a gut instinct for a reason. It is not unreasonable at all for you to trust that gut instinct.

What you have described would make me uncomfortable.

You may well be wrong - in fact, I hope you are! - but if you are, what harm's been done?

Also, even if he meant "sleep next to you" as in, in his room but on the floor, why the hell wouldn't he have said he'd sleep on the sofa instead?

It makes me more suspicious the fact that he would choose to sleep on the floor over a sofa, just to be close to your son.

It's bloody weird and I don't know one single man who wouldn't think this guy was a creep at best.

It isnt unusual for a child and an adult to 'click' and have a good connection. My young nephew and I have an extremely close bond and enjoy each other's company, always have.

I have no desire to share a bed with him though, and wouldn't be comfortable with it at all - thats a level of intimacy reserved for parents and siblings.

Hopefully the friend is just clueless but you are doing the right thing - just in case.

You're not being unreasonable. One way that offenders gain access to children is by grooming the adults. Trust your instincts but seek advice from nspcc xx

When I read in the news about children who have been sexually abused by a 'family friend' I wonder how the abuser has been able to pull the wool over the parents' eyes. I suppose abusers are smart getting what they want and groom parents too.

This is exactly the point - people that want to groom your children cna be expert manipulators in getting into family life - so much so that they can offer to take the child to an even or party or whatever., without any suspicion by the parents. This is really, really worth knowing.

I was very naive about this - until the shocking revelation that one of my very close friend;s husband had been arrested on child abuse charges. Someone who I had never really liked that much, but who had been the husband of a good friend of mine. We had no idea - including my friend (his wife)! It was such a shock - this man had been present at family parties, had taken my eldest to the cinema with his own child, all sorts.

He's in prison now. I don't think I'll ever be so trusting again. No matter what anyone says, our first duty is the safe-guarding of our children.

I think it's better to trust your instinct and be wrong than ignore your instinct and be wrong.

Context is everything.
I stayed at a friends house on the sofa and in the morning her kids came and had cuddles with me when they woke up. My friend was asleep. The kids would have done the same if i was in a guest room.

It could be that DHs friend was badly saying 'dont worry' because he felt you were putting yourselves out for him.
It could be theres some other motive.

Theres not enough to judge based on this situation alone but i would certainly be cautious.

Difficult one.

My DD slept in a double bed with my best friend of 35 years (female) when she was 7 and I thought literally nothing of it. The difference is, though, that it was my DD's suggestion/choice. I am 100% sure this was not a risky thing in our situation. Yours sounds a bit different, and I agree with the posters who say trust your instincts.

I'm shocked anyone would think it ok to let this man share a bed with their 6yr old. He might be completely innocent but no way in the world id take that risk. Stick to your instincts - you can't afford not to

Instincts are there for a reason trust them.
Better to be safe than sorry

I agree you should back your instincts, sometimes the feeling you get isn't based on the words or situation.

But from what you've said I think of my nephew, who was an adult when my children were born. He lives a long way from us, so although we know him, the kids don't really... which is not the same, but similar. Every time he visits (maybe every 2-3yrs) he's very good with them, and usually they are all begging to have his mattress in their room for sleepovers. I am comfortable with this, because he never sends any signals I have worried about etc.

I think your friend was probably trying to keep the peace, taking interest in your son's activities and generally OK, but those signals/alarm bells mean that you shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt. I would perhaps mention it to him in the morning, saying that offering to sleep in the room of a 6 year old doesn't come across as appropriate, and that for his own protection he should check that he keeps clearer boundaries. Say what someone else said, that DS going to school saying he had a sleepover with Dad's friend in his room would be alarming and potentially cause flags to be raised on the family dynamic, even if completely innocent.

HumDrumMum15 this does sound quite an odd situation. At the very least, even if there are no unusual or predatory elements here it is not good (IMHO) for a yong boy to be very friendly with his dad's friend.

It is totally not suitable for them to share a room or for the adult to make a fuss when one of the parents has said no to it.

Your dh needs to understand that this is not OK. He needs to support you.

You are definitely not over reacting.

Why would anyone encourage the OP not to be cautious?

endof mine I am sorry to hear what happened/almost happened to your son, and so sorry he died.

Petronius I am sorry to hear what almost happened to you.

DianaMitford I cannot believe how appalling your previous school behaved. (Well I can.) I also cannot imagine the head teacher saying that to you. (well I can.)

The school were massively at fault to ignore you. Well done for taking your kids away from that place.

manandbeast I am sorry to hear that.

NotYoda "Doesn't it seem really strange to the man that you immediately move your son when the man stays over?"

Who cares what this other person thinks!

Honestly, I think this could all be incocent but why take a risk.

My dh has never in almost 16 years of marriage brought a drubnk or tipsy friend home to sleep on the couch or anywhere else. And I would be upset if he did.

We have had people to stay who I trust. You just have to make decisions that are wise for your family.

Hackmum "The solution is obvious, surely - friend sleeps in spare room. Where's the problem?" The probloem is that the OP is suspicous of this man's motives so the last thing she wants to do is leave him in one room and her son in another and go to bed in a seperate room.

Why can't she just say no way, to this friend? Maybe like loads of people (women) she is socialised to accommodate friends in need/late night visitors who need a place to stay etc. And maybe if it were another person she may have felt OK about it. It doesn't matter why she felt worried or why she did not feel able to say an outright no, she said what she felt able to say at the time.

But what she now needs to do is talk to her DH about the situation. Why did it occur in the first place, how was he planning on getting home? Driving but accidently started drinking? Taxi or hotel but ran out of money?

I am not sure I've ever needed to stay a night at a friends without prior warning. I think if someone is having a night out with a friend then how they are both getting home should be part of the plan.

Agree with ThumbWitchesAbroad "...keep him well away from your DS. Discourage his visits to your home, tell your DP that he should stop bringing this friend to your house as you are not comfortable with him."

I think you are doing the right thing op! Your instincts are there for a reason! When I was little we would often go to my parents friends house for parties, the friend who was holding the party always invited the same people. One family was husband and wife with two little boys. I remember the wife was lovely but I was terrified of the husband.

I was relieved when soon after they arrived my Mum would take us home. This happened at every party we would arrive earlier then leave as soon as the family arrived. Some times it would just be the Mother and her sons and we would stay later.

Years later my Mum told me that she couldn't stand the husband from that family and didn't trust him around me. However we were still shocked when the friends daughter told her at eighteen that her parents friend (father of two boys that my Mum hated) had sexually abused her from the age of seven (although police counsellors actually helped her remember that the abuse went back to when she was a toddler ). This beast abused her on the evenings of the parties whilst she was in bed and her parents were downstairs entertaining.

To this day I am so thankful of my Mum for listening to her gut. There were nights when they offered for me to stay overnight but my Mum always refused. My Mum had spoken to their friend and explained that was the reason she always left early. They thought he was just a ladies man and harmless enough. The pain, destruction and lifelong implications of his actions have left my parents friends with so much guilt...

Focuses on the child's interests (are they GENUINELY his interests too?)

Initial focus of visits the child

Can't maintain adult romantic relationship

OP having to INSIST he not sleep in same bed as unrelated child while intoxicated (not only inappropriate but unsafe in co-sleeping guidelines)

Your gut telling you to protect - almost all personal safety experts tell you to trust your gut. It's not supernatural, it's your brain picking up on non-verbal cues (facial expressions, body language, body scent etc) that you're interpreting as threat.

MASSIVE red flags. I'd cut this guy out my child's life full stop, I'd also be doubting my partners ability to assess people.

Personally I'd have asked him to leave then and there.

Child abusing creeps groom the family first.

"I bet if this man isn't given access to your house in the future, he will soon lose interest in his friendship with dp" I agree

"So you either have people over you are 100% certain are fine to have open access to home and DC or ban them completely? They are some fairly drastic boundaries you have in place." Damn right! As a survivor myself I have the same boundaries. Also when my daughter started going on sleepovers it was only to families I knew VERY well who had same general outlook I did.

I was abused by my father. But I also was put at risk to another abuser (and I'm not completely convinced my father was unaware). A family who were friends of my parents and we regularly stayed with, I discovered years later that he'd been abusing his eldest daughter. There was a 'scandal' of her becoming an unmarried mum at 17 and her loving parents kicked her out. Not unusual even now sadly - but it transpires that the child was her fathers.