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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu about how I feel about my partners best friend around our kid?

210 replies

HumDrumMum15 · 01/04/2017 12:23

My partner has this friend he's known for years but only really spent a lot more time together the last two years. He is genuinely a nice guy and friendly albeit a bit annoying on occasion.

He's great with my 6yr old DS chatting to him about his interests which my son loves and gets annoyed when I say we have to leave or whatever the situation may be.

My concern is that this bloke seems a bit too interested in my son. Anytime he is around his first question is his where abouts and what he's doing. Then tries to get his attention and start the chat. Now I know this doesn't seem unorthodox but I know he's lonely and struggles to find and keep relationships but his 'relationship ' with my son makes me uncomfortable and my partner thinks I'm overthinking this situation. Then comes the point my partner has been out with his friend and brings him back to the house after a few drinks, not drunk but tipsy, and announces his friend is stopping over for the night. Straight away I'm making plans for me to either sleep in the room with my son or to get my son in with me. We have a spare room so space isn't the issue. My alarm bells are ringing so straight away I get my son organised to sleep in my room and my son gets upset because he thinks he's gonna share with my partners best friend. Then best friend says 'it's ok he can stay ill just sleep next to him'. Hell no. It took me saying no 3 times to get this man to understand that this was not happening!!

How does a man in his early 40's not realise that this is a no go??

I know this is one sided and completely my brain in overdrive but tell me I'm not alone in thinking this is unreasonable behaviour on his part???

OP posts:
dvsurviv · 03/04/2017 10:25

The police will take your Sarah's law request seriously, due to the red flags.

You've got nothing to lose.

Educate your DP regarding grooming... It's one of those grown up conversations that need to happen, no matter how awkward that feels. I've been in a similar place. Better that you deal with this now rather than potentially dealing with a lot worse further down the line for your boy.

Please call NSPCC anonymously for some useful safeguarding advice. They are very helpful.

Well done for saying no.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/04/2017 10:50

just to say, amongst everyone else, listen to your instincts here and YANBU. who knows what he is, but he is exhibiting red flags

and why not get him checked out, to put your mind at rest?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/04/2017 10:58

Yes I'd rather like to know where the OP's DP stands in all of this. Has he been thoroughly blinded to the potential for harm to his son here? Does he think the OP is completely over-reacting? Is he being a lazy selfish twat by refusing to keep the friend away?

OP - do let us know!

badabing36 · 03/04/2017 12:33

hackmum

The man in question was pissed. He more than likely would not have guessed the thought process behind the op's actions.

As to why he was allowed there in the 1st place, the op asked her dp not to bring him back, he did anyway because he was also pissed. Rather than cause a scene with 2 inebriated men, the op chose a very sensible option.

Finally, if any friend objected to me taking that extra precaution when they show up at my house in the early hours of the morning unannounced I would tell them to fuck right off.

As a pp said it's not the time for manners.

kiwigeekmum · 04/04/2017 02:41

YANBU

As PP have said, trust your instincts. Our "gut feeling" about something or someone is often our subconscious picking up on non-verbal cues that our conscience brain can't quite interpret.

There are plenty of red flags, but the biggest one for me is that not only did he suggest sharing a bed/room with your DS (totally bizarre and inappropriate), but you had to say no 3 times to get him to back down!

I agree with PP to never allow this man to be alone with your DS, not allow him to be with just your DP and DS, and as much as possible limit his access to your home.

You AND your DP should read up on "tricky people". This website has lots of good information:

safelyeverafter.com/flags.html

This is definitely a "better safe than sorry" situation.

JumpingJellybeanz

I think it's better to trust your instinct and be wrong than ignore your instinct and be wrong.

THIS X 1000!!

gingina · 04/04/2017 10:09

Yes listen to your gut instinct and protect your child but bloody hell there are ways of doing this without going into pure panic mode.
The OP made this whole situation worse than it needed to be. They have a spare bedroom. Why on earth didn't she just settle the mate in the spare room, then pop into her son's room and hop into his bed for the night. Getting the poor child up and letting him see that his Dad's cool friend is having a sleepover but then refusing to let him stay in his room (because that is how it looks from a childs viewpoint) is just bonkers!

She acted like a crazy woman and the poor bloke was probably wondering what the hell was going on!! He would have had no need to offer to sleep in her sons bed if the child was fast asleep in there and hadn't been disturbed!
OP if you seriously think that this guy is grooming your son then go to the bloody police about it and don't let him in your house again.

joystir59 · 04/04/2017 10:17

Go with your instinct on this one. Protect your son, and don't leave him alone with this man. Get your husband to read stuff about the way paedophiles are over interested in children, groom the parents, and try to get close to the child. I am suspicious of why he has become closer over the last two years tbh

joystir59 · 04/04/2017 10:26

educateempowerkids.org/8-ways-predator-might-groom-child/

On the ways that paedophiles groom children

joystir59 · 04/04/2017 10:31

I wouldn't let any man sleep in the same room as my child, or let any man babysit for my child. The statistics on familial child sexual abuse are too high for me to trust men with this role. Call me paranoid if you will.

joystir59 · 04/04/2017 10:34

Other than the child's father (provided I trusted him, of course)

hackmum · 04/04/2017 10:34

gingina: "The OP made this whole situation worse than it needed to be. They have a spare bedroom. Why on earth didn't she just settle the mate in the spare room, then pop into her son's room and hop into his bed for the night. Getting the poor child up and letting him see that his Dad's cool friend is having a sleepover but then refusing to let him stay in his room (because that is how it looks from a childs viewpoint) is just bonkers!"

Agreed. It's mystifying behaviour.

Italiangreyhound · 04/04/2017 11:28

How is the mum making the situation worse! She was thinking on her feet having been placed I'm a shit situation!

Two tipsy men, one who is not trusted, an (anti social) last minute request, a child and a woman; who seriously thinks the woman is in the wrong here!

Italiangreyhound · 04/04/2017 11:28

in a shit situation!

DrudgeJedd · 04/04/2017 11:33

Apparently not allowing a drunk man easy access to your child is considered a social faux pas by some on this thread Italian

gingina · 04/04/2017 11:36

@italiangreyhound She made it worse by getting her son up.

They had a spare room. He could have slept in there and had no reason to see her son. If she was that worried she should have slept in with her son or actually said NO he can't stay and called him a taxi.

brasty · 04/04/2017 11:38

joystir59 Thanks for sharing that article. The man the OP is talking about is certainly doing many of those things.

JeffJarrett · 04/04/2017 11:52

The OP said that she wants to be in her son's room or have him in with her (to avoid the friend going walkabout in the night I expect). She mentioned the spare room as he could stay there, he was the one who suggested sleeping with her son. How does this make her the one who blew it out of proportion? HmmIt makes it worse in my eyes. Who would do this?

Massive red flags. I think you absolutely did the right thing OP. I wouldn't give a flying fuck if someone thought I was being OTT. Better safe than sorry and you can never take it back if your DS was abused by this man.

Willow2017 · 04/04/2017 12:13

HE suggested sleeping with her son ffs! Massive clue there.

No way would I have left my son anywhere near him that night in case the man decided to go walkabout, he would have been in beside me no worries.

That way we would both have slept. An adult in with a child in a childs bed isnt going to get much sleep. If the child was anything like mine he would have dropped off to sleep immediately he was in my bed.

OP has to put her son first not some pissed bloke who has a serious 'thing' for her son.

gingina · 04/04/2017 12:25

I get my son organised to sleep in my room and my son gets upset because he thinks he's gonna share with my partners best friend.
If you read the op properly the son wanted to share and the guy then said he didn't mind.

if she'd left the son asleep and put the man in the spare room it wouldn't have been an issue!!!

kittybiscuits · 04/04/2017 12:30

It doesn't matter what the son said he wanted. It was the OPs job to ensure that the son was protected and she did. I would not have allowed son to stay in his bed and the visitor to stay in the spare room. This is for reasons which are obvious except to the most obtuse individuals who are trying to put a ridiculous spin on the situation.

rosethyme · 04/04/2017 12:39

My Dh was abused in very similar circumstances by a family friend when he was a child. He's always blamed his parents for not protecting him, it's affected his whole life.

gingina · 04/04/2017 12:48

No it matters that the son shouldn't have even been woken up!!!
Seriously read the OP!!!!

kittybiscuits · 04/04/2017 12:51

So you think it would have been better to risk him being abused than to wake him up and move him to ensure his safety? Interesting viewpoint.

gingina · 04/04/2017 12:54

If this man being in the house risks her child's safety then the OP should have refused to let him stay and banned all future contact and alerted the police too!!

kittybiscuits · 04/04/2017 13:07

So she should have argued with two men who were under the influence of alcohol, one of whom lives there and was letting the friend in, she should have refused entry and called the police? And you think that would have been better than moving her son to her room. And that makes sense to you?

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