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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about how I feel about my partners best friend around our kid?

210 replies

HumDrumMum15 · 01/04/2017 12:23

My partner has this friend he's known for years but only really spent a lot more time together the last two years. He is genuinely a nice guy and friendly albeit a bit annoying on occasion.

He's great with my 6yr old DS chatting to him about his interests which my son loves and gets annoyed when I say we have to leave or whatever the situation may be.

My concern is that this bloke seems a bit too interested in my son. Anytime he is around his first question is his where abouts and what he's doing. Then tries to get his attention and start the chat. Now I know this doesn't seem unorthodox but I know he's lonely and struggles to find and keep relationships but his 'relationship ' with my son makes me uncomfortable and my partner thinks I'm overthinking this situation. Then comes the point my partner has been out with his friend and brings him back to the house after a few drinks, not drunk but tipsy, and announces his friend is stopping over for the night. Straight away I'm making plans for me to either sleep in the room with my son or to get my son in with me. We have a spare room so space isn't the issue. My alarm bells are ringing so straight away I get my son organised to sleep in my room and my son gets upset because he thinks he's gonna share with my partners best friend. Then best friend says 'it's ok he can stay ill just sleep next to him'. Hell no. It took me saying no 3 times to get this man to understand that this was not happening!!

How does a man in his early 40's not realise that this is a no go??

I know this is one sided and completely my brain in overdrive but tell me I'm not alone in thinking this is unreasonable behaviour on his part???

OP posts:
PinkHeart59156816 · 01/04/2017 12:48

A stranger no BUT

Op has known this man for 10 years via her dp. You are drunk your mate says stay over at mine, when you get there OP starts moving her son and the son cries etc he doesn't want to move beds, You feel bad becuase your there drunk and the reason the child is being moved. I'd probably say it's ok just leave him.

As the other things in the OP give me personally no cause for concern neither would this

gleam · 01/04/2017 12:51

Dh had a friend who seemed a little too interested in one of our dc. It seemed odd to both of us. By contrast, his other mates of 15 years, had only that casual interest/disregard you have for other people's kids (which seemed normal). We made sure they didn't spend time together.

LucieLucie · 01/04/2017 12:52

humdrum yanbu!!

Your job is to protect your child over and above the feelings of anybody else.

Your gut is telling you to guard him against this man and I'm glad to hear you are listening to it and acting on it.

If more mothers did what you are doing less children would be left open to being abused.

Grown man sleeping in with your child is an absolute no go, I wouldn't allow it either, not over my dead body.

Well done.

brasty · 01/04/2017 12:52

So what if you have known him for 10 years? This is not okay and the red flags are glaring out from OPs post.
And if I did not want a friend to move a child from their bed, I would offer to sleep on the sofa, not to sleep next to a 6 year old child.

Sweets101 · 01/04/2017 12:52

Absolutely trust your instincts and make sure they are not left unsupervised together. I'd have done, and do, as you have done. Child abuse isn't a myth! And as MN usually likes to trot out on these threads, abuse is usually via someone known to a child, not a stranger.

endofthelinefinally · 01/04/2017 12:54

The person in question disappeared years ago. I couldnt understand why. Now I can. I will never be able to come to terms with it.
I was naiive but looking back it all fits. I am angry with myself that I didnt realise. OP keep your eyes and ears open and never leave your child alone with this man.
It might all be innocent but it might not.

lollypopcorn · 01/04/2017 12:56

I am also really shocked people think knowing someone means it's all okay.

I know a lot of abuse survivors whose parents ignored obvious signs. Hiding thread now as the naivety of some people is upsetting me.

Original poster
HumDrumMum15 · 01/04/2017 12:56

I will make my partner aware this guy is no longer welcome to stay the night in this house. Despite the replies of those suggesting I'm overreacting even if he had slept on the couch I would still have made an excuse for my child to sleep in my room under my nose as I was not happy for him to be here while we slept. I can't explain it and generally think he is a nice person but something just doesn't sit well with me about him.

OP posts:
TabascoToastie · 01/04/2017 12:57

A middle-aged man should not be fighting to develop a "relationship" and be allowed to sleep in the same bed unsupervised with a strange six-year-old.

Massive red flag.

brasty · 01/04/2017 12:58

MN - the forum where lots of mums won't let a young child stay in a car alone while they go into the petrol station alone; but will let a 40 year old friend of their DPs share a bed with their 6 year old DS. I know which of these is far more dangerous.

Sweets101 · 01/04/2017 12:58

even if he had slept on the couch I would still have made an excuse for my child to sleep in my room under my nose as I was not happy for him to be here while we slept.
Good for you, so would I!

Petronius16 · 01/04/2017 12:59

endof mine groomed my parents when I was twelve and was successful.

Don't allow it. You may be wrong, but your son will be safe.

Sweets101 · 01/04/2017 12:59

Absolutely @bratsy, very odd

sizeofalentil · 01/04/2017 13:03

None of us have met this man - all we know is op is saying there's something about him that's putting her back up and he gas drunkenly suggested sharing a bed with her child. Why, with this limited amount of information, would you possibly suggest he is harmless? Especially when if you are wrong a child could well be injured.

Op, trust your instinct. An innocent person wouldn't mind you being safe rather than sorry.

PoorYorick · 01/04/2017 13:05

I thought you were a bit mad until you said the guy tried to encourage you to let him sleep in the same room as your son. That wouldn't be ok with me either.

StickyWick · 01/04/2017 13:08

It sounds like it could be completely innocent but as it's impossible to know for sure then I'd carry on being cautious - you can agonise and speculate all you like but you wont know one way or another unless you drop your guard. I'd be quietly cautious and carry on as you are.

rookiemere · 01/04/2017 13:08

I don't know why people are talking about "gut instinct" - no "gut instinct" is needed.

6 year olds do not need to share a bed with anyone when there is a perfectly good guest bed.

Grown men do not normally show an interest in sharing a bed with someone else's DC no matter how drunk they are.

I would tell your DP that there is no way that this person is ever sharing a bed with your DS and in fact you'd be happier if he didn't stay over at all.

Incidentally how long have you been in a relationship with your DP for?

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2017 13:11

I don't think anyone has said it's OK.

But put into context, I don't think it points to this man grooming the OP's child.

Either way, the OP has a right to be cautious.

aurynne · 01/04/2017 13:13

It doesn't matter whether it is reasonable, whether or not this man is a stranger or not, whether it is not fair, or what your DP thinks about it.

You have a feeling that your DS would not be safe with this man. That is ALL that matters.

morningconstitutional2017 · 01/04/2017 13:14

We have instincts for a reason, don't we? They keep us safe. A middle-aged man in bed with your son (or even in the same bedroom) is a definite no-no. I don't think you're being paranoid or over-protective, if this man stays overnight your son should be in the safest place, which is with you.

This is how bad things happen - the wrong 'un tries to make you feel that you're the one who's being unreasonable, petty or silly. This man should be kept at arms length. Listen to that warning voice in your head and don't allow yourself to be swayed.

MrsTwix · 01/04/2017 13:20

It sounds like grooming to me.

It might not be, but much better safe than sorry in this case.

I wouldn't leave them unattended together or have him stay over I'm afraid.

EdenX · 01/04/2017 13:20

Regardless of anything else, even if he had said or done nothing tangibly untoward, you have a bad feeling about him - listen to that. Don't put politeness or not making a fuss ahead of keeping your child safe, however awkward it is.

Sweets101 · 01/04/2017 13:23

But put into context, I don't think it points to this man grooming the OP's child.
It certainly doesn't point to him not grooming the child either.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 01/04/2017 13:24

When these people groom, they groom the family as well as the child. Trying to gain access and trust. Normalising odd behaviour. The OP is uncomfortable, that's enough.

Lulabell1979 · 01/04/2017 13:26

Always trust your 6th sense. If alarm bells ring you're normally right.

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