Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about how I feel about my partners best friend around our kid?

210 replies

HumDrumMum15 · 01/04/2017 12:23

My partner has this friend he's known for years but only really spent a lot more time together the last two years. He is genuinely a nice guy and friendly albeit a bit annoying on occasion.

He's great with my 6yr old DS chatting to him about his interests which my son loves and gets annoyed when I say we have to leave or whatever the situation may be.

My concern is that this bloke seems a bit too interested in my son. Anytime he is around his first question is his where abouts and what he's doing. Then tries to get his attention and start the chat. Now I know this doesn't seem unorthodox but I know he's lonely and struggles to find and keep relationships but his 'relationship ' with my son makes me uncomfortable and my partner thinks I'm overthinking this situation. Then comes the point my partner has been out with his friend and brings him back to the house after a few drinks, not drunk but tipsy, and announces his friend is stopping over for the night. Straight away I'm making plans for me to either sleep in the room with my son or to get my son in with me. We have a spare room so space isn't the issue. My alarm bells are ringing so straight away I get my son organised to sleep in my room and my son gets upset because he thinks he's gonna share with my partners best friend. Then best friend says 'it's ok he can stay ill just sleep next to him'. Hell no. It took me saying no 3 times to get this man to understand that this was not happening!!

How does a man in his early 40's not realise that this is a no go??

I know this is one sided and completely my brain in overdrive but tell me I'm not alone in thinking this is unreasonable behaviour on his part???

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 02/04/2017 06:51

Under Claire's law you can ask police if there is any previous offending.

ohlittlepea · 02/04/2017 06:51

This is classic offender behaviour and you know it.
Trust your gut.
I can't believe the people on here saying you're paranoid :( It could just be he has no understanding of boundaries but it's really really not ok for him to be asking to sleep in the same room as your son :( I think you need to talk to him When your son isn't there. If you let him know you're into him he may move on. Check out any possible police info. Paedophiles are the most charming, helpful people and often very patient in waiting to get what they want.

SummerHouse · 02/04/2017 06:59

Sorry I mean Sarah's law.

CuttheHysterics · 02/04/2017 07:03

There are some stupidly naive people on this thread. OP, no never let another adult male sleep with your child.

skerrywind · 02/04/2017 07:13

OP what about your OH?

And why is a grown man having a friend around for a sleep over?

That doesn't happen in my world. Grown ups get taxis home.

lizzyj4 · 02/04/2017 07:19

Yes, trust your gut on this. It's completely inappropriate for your son to sleep with an adult male who you don't trust 100% . Even if there is nothing in it and you are being overly cautious (it's still not 'paranoid') better that than putting your son in a situation where he is at risk. Your partner has shown poor judgement at best, and your priority must be to protect your son. Agree with cutthehysterics, there are some ridiculously naive people on this thread.

Trollspoopglitter · 02/04/2017 07:20

I'm shocked at the number of poster normalising it and can only guess they've misred the OP.

THERE IS AN EMPTY GUEST ROOM.

The OP didn't want her son alone while friend sleeps in the guest room.

The child misunderstands and thinks he's having a sleepover with a man instead of mum.

And the MAN SAYS TO THE MOTHER HE IS WILLING TO SHARE A BED WITH A 6 year old INSTEAD OF SLEEPING IN THE GUEST BEDROOM.

I'd be wondering who the fuck put that thought into my 6 year old's head there to begin with and why my child assumed he'd be sharing a bed with a friend instead of me.

Sounds like grooming is already under way to me!

Elvisrocks · 02/04/2017 07:21

Much better to trust your instincts and be wrong than the alternative. My DH would never in a million years want to share a room with another person's child.
Have you spoken to your DH about his friend yet? I would suggest seeing how long their friendship lasts if this man has no access to your house.

Chinnygirl · 02/04/2017 07:31

Cut all contact between DC and this friend. Tell him if you have to. Let DP meet him in the pub. I think the friend will not be interested in the friendship anymore.

Dragongirl10 · 02/04/2017 07:35

lnstincts are there for a reason, when l was a child l hated a friends dad, for no obvious reason he was very friendly , played games with us, (we were about 10) we very jolly etc.....Still l wanted to be as far away as possible....Many time l was told l was being silly..

Turns out he sexually abused my friend from 6 years old until she left home....

Like many l have always had strong instincts about people and have always been right in the end......trust your instincts OP and get your DH to agree not to bring this man back after a night out and expect him to stay....

Why cannot DH spend time with him alone elsewhere? You do not have to justify this if you don't like him don't have him in your home.

Ampersand22 · 02/04/2017 07:38

I'd be wondering who the fuck put that thought into my 6 year old's head there to begin with and why my child assumed he'd be sharing a bed with a friend instead of me

^ yes to this from trollspoop

NotYoda · 02/04/2017 08:05

Italian

I was trying to work out what was going on and worded that badly. What I meant was that most people would think that unnecessary, so the fact that he doesn't voice that makes him very suspicious.

I don't care what he thinks. I think that he's behaving oddly and the OP is right to be alert to it.

MyHairIsMyHair · 02/04/2017 08:54

Agree with the vast majority.

This man may simply be socially awkward, but this is one scenario where the benefit of the doubt NEVER applies.

deadpool99 · 02/04/2017 09:56

OP, you are right to trust your gut instinct. Please start distancing yourself from this man. He absolutely should not be sleeping over anywhere in your house. Ask DP to stop bringing him round to house. I found out that a good friend was a paedo. He was an upstanding member of the community and none of us had any idea until he was arrested for abusing kid on sleepover! So in your situation, with this many red flags I would def be distancing self from this man. Your DP can continue seeing him if he wants to but he shouldn't be in contact with your child. I.e. Not popping round to your house.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 02/04/2017 09:59

You're so good to have recognised this is completely inappropriate behaviour. My Mum let good manners stop her from saying anything in the same situation when I was young. The man I question was later taken to court over allegations from many, many other people (children) and killed himself before trial.

Orangeandyellow · 02/04/2017 13:34

I have a feeling this man is going to get you DH to have your ds alone as he has gained dh trust. Then he will be able to be with your ds alone at some point.
You can let that happen. Dh needs to understand how serious this could be.
Try get any back ground information on friend he may well have something on his record then that is prove for dh.
Is dh ever alone with ds? Friend will probably take this as a time to spend with your son.

Orangeandyellow · 02/04/2017 13:35

Can't* let this happen

Sassenach85 · 03/04/2017 07:53

Have you spoken to your DH again about it?

hackmum · 03/04/2017 08:47

"The problem is that the man suggested sharing a bed with a 6 year old, after the 6 year old got confused about the sleeping arrangements. Rather than a normal response of something like "no, Johnny, I like my own bed. I'll see you in the morning and we can play with your lego, how about that?"

I'll explain why I find all this confusing. If I've understood it correctly, the initial arrangement is for the friend to sleep in the spare bedroom. At this point, the OP decides she won't let her son sleep alone in his own bedroom - she will share with him. So she is already very suspicious of the friend, and is alerting him to her suspicions. Doesn't anyone else find this odd? ie that she is so suspicious she is willing to behave in a way that more or less outright acknowledges to the friend that she thinks he's a paedophile?

So then the boy misunderstands the arrangement and thinks he is sharing with the friend. The friend then says he will share with the little boy - now I agree, this is very odd, though it's not clear to me whether the intention is to share the bed or just the room. If the friend has grasped (as he should have done, if he has any wit about him at all) that the OP thinks he's a paedophile, why would he then offer to share a room with her son? It makes very little sense.

This is why I keep thinking I have misunderstood something fundamental because nothing about the story is clear. People keep saying the OP is suspicious of the friend becuase he offered to share with her son, but she was already suspicious enough of him not to let him sleep in the spare room while her son sleeps alone in his own bedroom.

user1487175389 · 03/04/2017 08:53

Huge clanging alarm bells. Grooming and manipulation. Thinks you are a soft target as a family. Can you go to the police and use Sarah's law to see if he has previous?

NotYoda · 03/04/2017 09:36

Yes, hackmum, that's what I was struggling with. Glad it's not just me.

NotYoda · 03/04/2017 09:38

"So she is already very suspicious of the friend, and is alerting him to her suspicions. Doesn't anyone else find this odd? ie that she is so suspicious she is willing to behave in a way that more or less outright acknowledges to the friend that she thinks he's a paedophile?"

And I'll add to that, that she's that suspicious, but still allows the man in her house

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/04/2017 09:56

No harm can come from trusting your instincts

Ignoring that feeling can allow harm to come your child's way or yours

At times we read a situation wrongly we pick up on something and our fears can go into overdrive but still you feel something isn't quite right (it might be his longing to have his own child and projecting that onto your son) or it could be something far worse

Either way protecting your son it was it most important not protecting your dp's friends feelings

hackmum · 03/04/2017 10:05

NotYoda: "And I'll add to that, that she's that suspicious, but still allows the man in her house"

Yes, exactly. I wish the OP would come along and clarify.

Trollspoopglitter · 03/04/2017 10:07

Yup to most people - the friend AND the father - it would be hugely obvious that the mother feels uncomfortable about having this person stay overnight in her home.

I still think the big question is
1/ who put that idea in the child's head? It's not a natural conclusion for a child to assume daddy's friend is going to do a sleepover with me

2/ what the hell is going on with the father? He sees his partner is uncomfortable about his friend spending the night - to the point she won't leave their child alone in a room to sleep - and ...???

Why is he not putting OPs discomfort above this mate, who he has only recently gotten to be friends with again?

I cannot imagine my DH ever inviting his friend back home, let alone to sleep over, if he made me that uncomfortable !

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread