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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about how I feel about my partners best friend around our kid?

210 replies

HumDrumMum15 · 01/04/2017 12:23

My partner has this friend he's known for years but only really spent a lot more time together the last two years. He is genuinely a nice guy and friendly albeit a bit annoying on occasion.

He's great with my 6yr old DS chatting to him about his interests which my son loves and gets annoyed when I say we have to leave or whatever the situation may be.

My concern is that this bloke seems a bit too interested in my son. Anytime he is around his first question is his where abouts and what he's doing. Then tries to get his attention and start the chat. Now I know this doesn't seem unorthodox but I know he's lonely and struggles to find and keep relationships but his 'relationship ' with my son makes me uncomfortable and my partner thinks I'm overthinking this situation. Then comes the point my partner has been out with his friend and brings him back to the house after a few drinks, not drunk but tipsy, and announces his friend is stopping over for the night. Straight away I'm making plans for me to either sleep in the room with my son or to get my son in with me. We have a spare room so space isn't the issue. My alarm bells are ringing so straight away I get my son organised to sleep in my room and my son gets upset because he thinks he's gonna share with my partners best friend. Then best friend says 'it's ok he can stay ill just sleep next to him'. Hell no. It took me saying no 3 times to get this man to understand that this was not happening!!

How does a man in his early 40's not realise that this is a no go??

I know this is one sided and completely my brain in overdrive but tell me I'm not alone in thinking this is unreasonable behaviour on his part???

OP posts:
Nessie71 · 01/04/2017 14:15

Sorry if my husbands friend suggested sharing a bed with my daughter he would of been getting a taxi home...no matter how innocent it was.

user1491049702 · 01/04/2017 14:16

Why do you think he is a pedo?

KayTee87 · 01/04/2017 14:19

Your son won't lose anything by not seeing this man again, he could lose a lot if the relationship continues.
I'd rather overreact a million times to protect my ds from harm than ignore my instincts just once and something bad happen to him.

kittybiscuits · 01/04/2017 14:19

Another user...another twatty comment.

KayTee87 · 01/04/2017 14:20

user because normal Middle Aged men don't suggest sharing a bed with 6 yo children that aren't a close relative.

KayTee87 · 01/04/2017 14:22

I bet if this man isn't given access to your house in the future, he will soon lose interest in his friendship with dp.

MattBerrysHair · 01/04/2017 14:25

You did the right thing OP. At best his behaviour is naively inappropriate, at worst quite sinister. I really don't understand how anyone would think it's ok for him to share a bed with your ds. Even if it's all perfectly innocent, boundaries need to be in place so your ds doesn't assume that it's ok to share beds with just any adult, for example at a sleepover at a friend's house. A child who is aware of these boundaries is less easily groomed.

trulybadlydeeply · 01/04/2017 14:29

If you have grandparents around who have your DS overnight, or similar, I would be really interested to see his reaction if he turned up one day and your DS wasn't there. I think it would be really telling.

user1488581876 · 01/04/2017 14:36

OP keep your eyes and ears open and never leave your child alone with this man. It might all be innocent but it might not.

This is very good advice.

SingingSilver · 01/04/2017 14:36

I'm glad you did not choose to prioritize a random man's feelings over the safety of your child. It was the right thing to do.

MimsyFluff · 01/04/2017 14:36

When i was in hospital having DC3 i was kept in for 6 days many complications. A close male family friend had DC1(6) & 2(4) I said DC2 may sneak into bed with him and he wasn't comfortable with that so when I was giving birth (1 night) they all stayed at his mum's incase she went into his bed.

I think that's a perfectly normal response. I have only shared a bed with my DC and DN's I wouldn't want to sleep next to any other child.

DO NOT LET THIS PERSON NEAR YOUR SON AGAIN. Your gut is always right

NotYoda · 01/04/2017 14:41

"Then comes the point my partner has been out with his friend and brings him back to the house after a few drinks, not drunk but tipsy, and announces his friend is stopping over for the night. Straight away I'm making plans for me to either sleep in the room with my son or to get my son in with me. We have a spare room so space isn't the issue"

I am sorry but I don't quite understand

Are you saying you feel the need to sleep in your son's room (or he in yours) because you think this man will sneak into your son's room?

Why would the man offer to sleep in your son's room if there's a spare room?

shineon · 01/04/2017 14:45

Trust your instincts

Notso · 01/04/2017 14:48

Is he suggesting bed sharing or sleeping in the same room it's hard to tell.
I think if you seriously think he wants to abuse your son then you need to stop contact with him. There is no grey area.

NotYoda · 01/04/2017 14:49

Right, I read it again and I think I get it

Doesn't it seem really strange to the man that you immediately move your son when the man stays over?

The whole thing is just strange. If he's grooming he is astonishingly blatant about it. Or maybe if he were to comment on you doing that he'd draw attention to himself

Confused
AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 01/04/2017 15:23

NotYoda that was what I was confused about.
I think partner brings friend back, friend is going to sleep in spare room, OP rushes into son's room to take him into bed with her - presumably because she thinks friend will go into his room during the night.
TBH if I believed somebody was likely to do that they wouldn't be welcome at any time day or night.

endofthelinefinally · 01/04/2017 15:28

On reading the whole op the son thinks he is going to share a room with the friend. Op days no. Friend says thats ok he will just sleep beside him.
Strange thing for the friend to suggest imo.

hackmum · 01/04/2017 15:32

NotYoda: "Why would the man offer to sleep in your son's room if there's a spare room?"

I wondered that too, but you're the first person to pick up on it!

The solution is obvious, surely - friend sleeps in spare room. Where's the problem?

Sweets101 · 01/04/2017 15:35

Really All ? So you either have people over you are 100% certain are fine to have open access to home and DC or ban them completely? They are some fairly drastic boundaries you have in place.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 01/04/2017 15:45

No Sweets101, that is not what I said.
I said if I thought a person was someone who was likely to creep into a child's bedroom during the night (i.e. I thought they were a paedophile) I would not welcome that person into my home.
Therefore I meant if I were the OP.

This is not about me, I do not have young children, but anyway if there was someone I thought was a paedophile, then no, i would not want to socialise with them.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2017 15:49

Yanbu trust your gut. Especially asking a 6 year old to share a bed with him, who does that! If you have an uneasy feeling about him, it's important to not let them alone together.

Sweets101 · 01/04/2017 15:52

I think the point is All she isn't sure what to think, and so is erring on the side of watchful caution rather then proclaiming him to be a paedophile

RitaMills · 01/04/2017 15:54

I don't think it's that black and white AllPizzasGreatAndSmall the OP has used 'uncomfortable' and 'doesn't sit right' in regards to his behaviour/actions. It doesn't appear she actually thinks he is a pedophile, just that her parental instincts are tingling and she wants to remain vigilant.

GloGirl · 01/04/2017 15:59

Sometimes our instincts are wrong. I do believe that some women have better natural gut instincts.

Nature and evolution shows that our instincts are there for a reason and we pick up on clues our conscious mind cant vocalise.

I don't think this is woo. I think sometimes we can point some personal anxiety at a person and think it's instinct and this isn't always a good thing.

But it's never bad to be wary about a male family member taking a keen interest in a child and to follow some safe guidelines that help everyone.

No one is saying OP should contact police or start and witch hunt, just don't distrust these feelings you don't know why they are there, could well be for good reason.

Notso · 01/04/2017 15:59

So you would let a person you thought to be capable of abuse interact with your children. Sweets

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