Aibu about how I feel about my partners best friend around our kid?

[HumDrumMum15]

My partner has this friend he's known for years but only really spent a lot more time together the last two years. He is genuinely a nice guy and friendly albeit a bit annoying on occasion.

He's great with my 6yr old DS chatting to him about his interests which my son loves and gets annoyed when I say we have to leave or whatever the situation may be.

My concern is that this bloke seems a bit too interested in my son. Anytime he is around his first question is his where abouts and what he's doing. Then tries to get his attention and start the chat. Now I know this doesn't seem unorthodox but I know he's lonely and struggles to find and keep relationships but his 'relationship ' with my son makes me uncomfortable and my partner thinks I'm overthinking this situation. Then comes the point my partner has been out with his friend and brings him back to the house after a few drinks, not drunk but tipsy, and announces his friend is stopping over for the night. Straight away I'm making plans for me to either sleep in the room with my son or to get my son in with me. We have a spare room so space isn't the issue. My alarm bells are ringing so straight away I get my son organised to sleep in my room and my son gets upset because he thinks he's gonna share with my partners best friend. Then best friend says 'it's ok he can stay ill just sleep next to him'. Hell no. It took me saying no 3 times to get this man to understand that this was not happening!!

How does a man in his early 40's not realise that this is a no go??

I know this is one sided and completely my brain in overdrive but tell me I'm not alone in thinking this is unreasonable behaviour on his part???

It may be worth contacting the police and making a request under Sarah's Law - you can do this by calling 101, and is completely confidential.
www.parentsprotect.co.uk/police_disclosure_scheme.htm

As must have said I'd trust your instincts on this one-he is nice yes, most paedophiles are or they wouldn't get near the children, he has become close in the last 2 years since your son was 4-another alarm bell ringing there! Not saying he is s paedophile but as my DH says if it walks like a duck.....

I think you're wise to be cautious and not put your son at risk...it may be perfectly innocent but why risk it...Mothers instinct is the most reliable...go with it!

I say trust your instincts. What possible harm could be caused by you remaining vigilant and not being totally forthcoming about your reasons for feeling uneasy about this man's apparently unnatural interest in your child? None.

It's not totally unknown for single, 40 year-old men to take a vague interest in the children of their very close friends. To be offering to share a bed with them is way beyond a "vague interest" for politeness' sake, I'd say. He's either thick or sinister. Either way, I'd be as uneasy as you.

My DH would sleep on the street rather than feel comfortable sharing the bed of a 6 year old he barely knew. He wouldn't share a bed alone with our nephew never mind friends kid. I think that probably gives you your answer, it's bloody weird of him to offer it if you ask me.

Can't believe some people are so naive to think this is ok.

Yanbu. You are uncomfortable and I would be in this situation too. What 40 something year old man thinks it's okay to bed share with a 6 year old that is not his own child?

HumDrum

I think you are entirely right. I can't go into detail but I knew of a situation similar to this. The 'best friend' is now in prison. Don't worry about seeming paranoid, you're child's safety is the most important thing.

You're in the best position to judge and if you are getting a bad feeling then trust your instinct. Sometimes when you write about someone's behaviour it doesn't seem that bad on the surface but when you're actually living it and picking up on the tones, looks etc it can be a very different story.

Keep doing what your doing, don't let a bunch of random people who are not in this situation make you doubt yourself, its been said already but instincts are there for a reason. Better to be vigilant but wrong than lax and not wrong.

Agree with monkeypuzzle - he's become more friendly in the last two years, targets your son, and suggests sharing his room. Why was the spare room not the obvious choice?
I'd have alarm bells ringing too. Not worth the risk.

Even if this man is no threat to your child at all, it could put all of you in a vulnerable situation. Imagine your child goes into school the next day, teacher says

"Are you ok HumDrumJr, you look a bit tired today"?

"I'm fine, Daddy's friend came over yesterday, he talked to me and played with me lots, then he and Daddy went to the pub. I woke up when they got back, then Daddy's friend got into bed with me, and i didn't get back to sleep for ages"

All perfectly true, and potentially completely innocent, however you would have SS round fairly sharpish. Of course you didn't let it happen, thank goodness, but surely he realises how this could be viewed? Even if your son said "Daddy's friend woke me up and wanted to sleep in bed with me".

Be very, very cautious with this man, because whether or not he has ulterior motives, his naivety could be a problem in itself.

Sadly most children are abused by someone they (and their parents) know well and trust eg a relative / neighbour / family friend.

Most 40 year old men wouldn't be badgering a child of 6 for conversation even if the child has grown bored or tired, and nor would they DREAM of suggestion they share a bedroom with them, whether there was a spare room or not! It's also odd he's only upped his time with your dp once your ds was 4.

OP listen to your instincts. I know of a guy like this and he was eventually prosecuted for child abuse but by then he'd been in contact with so many young relatives, friend's kids, was on the PTA at school, etc. Most people thought he was a great guy / friend.

You are absolutely right to protect your son. I'm sorry that people who are so ignorant about grooming and sexual abuse have posted such inappropriate comments on your thread. Your OH's lack of awareness is also a cause for concern.

I would be very wary in OP's situation. A parent needs to be vigilant for their children, against family, friends and even partners.

Why is he suddenly taking such an interest in this family after 10 years?

YANBU - I would also trust your instincts. My eldest DN had a BF adored by the whole family, especially my youngest DN. He would make a huge effort when visiting to pay games, make her laugh, entertain her. Everyone thought he was the greatest until my youngest DN told her mother what he had actually been doing.

The police told my sister this is such a common scenario, they befriend an adult to get into the family environment. They tell the child not to tell parents, it's just between them, their special secret and anyway they won't believe you etc.

Of course you have no proof of this man's intentions and it may be totally innocent but I find it hard to believe how any 40 year old man would not realise the total inappropriateness of sharing a 6 year old's bed.

Stick to your guns OP.

Friend of family. Nice person. Takes interest in child. Offers to sleepover.

Seriously these are red flags and a sign that someone might be a paedophile? Admittedly the offering to sleep in the same bed is a bit odd but it could have been innocent. Perhaps he didn't want to upset your son further. I don't really know what to make of it. Whast has your husband said?

When my dd was 6 a new sports coach started, just teaching in one discipline. Before I knew him at all I saw him walking out of the school one day and I instantly and for no reason thought "If there's a paedophile around here it's him". Literally thought no more about him until my dd came home one day and happened to mention that as a punishment if they got a move wrong this man would stand behind them and pretend to crack an egg over their head by running his hands down their back and over their bottoms. This man was also teaching the children unsupervised.

I went straight into the school and made a complaint but the Head was less than disinterested. I asked for another teacher to be in the hall during the activity and was told no because it would take resources away from other children

I pulled her out of the activity immediately and a couple of weeks later they broke up for the holidays. When we returned to school on the first day of the next term the Head greeted me in the hallway with the words "Poor Eddie doesn't feel that he can come back here after what you said." I was literally speechless and we ended up leaving the school shortly after for many reasons.

My instinct told me there was something odd about this man immediately. I am absolutely certain that left unchecked he would have gone on to do far worse.

ALWAYS listen to your instincts.

suggests they sleep with the child massive, massive red flag

Is it room sharing or bed sharing ?
Op isn't clear
How many beds in d's room?
But if you have spare bedroom no reason for room sharing .

This is ringing alarm bells for me. Trust your instincts on this. I would be phoning the NSPCC for advice but wouldn't be letting this man near my son again.

Yanbu, I would have the same concerns as you, and do exactly the same. I also wouldn't let my DP take the DS out if it was just going to be the 3 of them - I would absolutely ensure that the ds never ever has time alone with this man.

It's incredibly naive to just brush this off and think it's ok - it may be - but you cannot take that risk with your child. Children can be groomed and abused by family friends, by people the parents trust. It's very sad but true.

I don't know why this is an issue. Of course you don't have to trust this man. It's better to slightly over-react and be slightly over-protective than the alternative.

But I do believe in instincts. DDs (then 5&7) didn't take to a karate teacher that stepped in for illness. He was probably just a bit shouty compared to their usual teacher but DD1 was literally recoiling from him. I said fine. If he's there regularly you don't have to go on those days, or we'll find another karate lesson. No way on this planet am I over-riding my DDs reactions to people by dismissing them.

You don't ever have to trust people with your kids because someone else says they're ok.

What did your bloke say in the middle of all this?

I shoud add that I don't think instincts are some magical power. I think they're your brain spotting something and waving manically at you to let you know.

Listen to your brain.

Even if it's all completely innocent, let's face it, it's a bit weird, isn't it? And by allowing it to happen, you're normalising weird behaviour for your DS. Trust your gut instinct.

This is definitely one situation where going all protective mama bear is a good thing. You may be wrong, but if you aren't... It's just not worth it. Not worth the risk at all.