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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or were my friends just being mean?

209 replies

Shitgotreal16 · 31/03/2017 22:37

Looking for some impartial advice really. We have a 7mo DD who is our whole world, multiple mc whilst ttc, and most of my friends know all about our struggle.
A few months ago myself and said friends went out for a ladies day of lunch and a (good) few drinks. Met in a coffee shop, friend A arrives and ask how's motherhood and how's it all going? General chit chat. (I might add that friend A is a friend of a friend who I rarely see but get along with when we do meet in our social circle) Friends B,C & D arrive shortly afterwards whilst myself and friend A are still chatting about my DD, from the look on their faces it's clear to me that they have no interest in listening to this or asking after my DD, these women are supposed to be my good friends (one was my maid of honour). Lots of turning away from the conversation and talking about the menu in the coffee shop. So I ask each one in turn about them and what's been happening since I saw them last? Friend B (maid of honour) saw the weekend previous for a cuppa at my house, I asked if their summer holiday was all booked? Friend C hadn't seen since DD was around 5 weeks old, I asked about her new job offer and about her weight loss (she'd posted on FB the previous night ) and also asked Friend D how her holiday down under was and inquired about all the places she'd visited. So as a Friend I'm showing an interest in their lives and asking about things important to them, so AIBU by thinking at least one of them could ask after my DD and me seeing as it's such a life changing event, messaged my DH later to ask if I was right to be pissed off they hadn't mentioned DD the whole day we were out together, DH being a reasonable man also couldn't understand this. The day finished after quite a few drinks with me quietly seething that these were my good friends and only a friend of a friend had the decency to ask about my DD.
A week or so later DH of Friend C text my DH to arrange a get together, my DH answered with "shit was kind of upset after the other day as none of the girls asked after DD like she didn't exist, not sure what that was all about, so I'll let you know" DH didn't text friend back however they met up this week for a catch up and DH said again "Why do you think that B,C & D behaved that way?" Friend DH agreed it was a crappy thing to do, later that day I receive a message from Friend C asking if we could maybe get together to build some bridges! I asked why they all decided not to mention my DD that day and she got quite defensive and said she was just offering an olive branch and to let her know if I wanted to meet for a drink to talk.
Message then arrives from Friend B saying C is upset and now she's upset too as I have accused them of behaving maliciously, and I should change my recollection of the day out as thats not what happened! So now it's 3 against me trying to say that they joined in the original conversation between me and A.....no they fucking didn't!
To add B,C & D don't have DC's nor do they claim to want them. Friend A does have 2 DD and there was a discussion about her DC's eating habits during the day so it's not like it was a child free day in that sense.
Sorry for the ridiculously long post but need some perspective here, I know I sound all PFB but what type of friends don't ask about something so massive?
Is this a case of friendship going bad after children or are they just mean Sad

OP posts:
Keepthebloodynoisedown · 01/04/2017 13:07

considering how long that post was, do you think that when they do ask you tend to go on a bit?
IMO getting dps involved is really childish, why didn't you just text/ phone your friend yourself.

seven201 · 01/04/2017 15:24

Yabu. I have friends who don't always ask about my baby dd. I think it's actually quite refreshing! If they did it every time I'd be a bit miffed though.

user1489226029 · 01/04/2017 15:40

The way I read the OP I don't think she was expecting to have the whole conversation surrounding her dd just for the three friends to ask. I would do that as a matter of courtesy. Sounds to me like the three friends went out of their way to not say anything about dd. OP you are getting a hard time here I get where you are coming from.

MiMiMaguire · 01/04/2017 15:48

People without kids don't get it, they really don't, I was one of the last to become a mum in my group and I'm not sure I asked after their kids every time I saw them, I do now as I'm genuinely interested as a mother I now get it. But then, nope.

Also, you were on a day out, child free, perhaps they didn't think You wanted to talk about your child and wanted the break to just be yourself.

Perosnally I'd be pissed off of my DH starting discussing it with my friends DH and thus escalating the whole thing.
Its all blown up now and is it really worth losing friends over, so they're not into kids, big deal, not everybody is.

MiMiMaguire · 01/04/2017 15:50

Just to add, I do sympathise, it is rude and when you're a first time mum you do want to gush about your baby. And they really should have asked as a matter of courtesy , I just feel you should have put it down to them being disinterested, rather than mean.

PennyPickle · 01/04/2017 16:01

You will learn (probably have) that the only people who are interested in your dd are other parents.

For what it's worth when I meet up with friends (who have children of similar age to mine) we tend to have a bit of a rant about teens behaviour in general for a few minutes and then talk about other topics that we are all interested in.

When you are Living, sleeping and breathing kids all day every day it's a refreshing change to talk about your own interests and generally catch up with what your friends are up to. Childless people have no interest in other people's children until they are parents themselves.

MummyMuppet2x2 · 01/04/2017 16:39

I can understand why you could find this upsetting but I don't think your friends meant any harm.
I'd be a bit peeved if my friends asked nothing about my life at all, but I probably wouldn't even notice, on an adults only night out, if kids were not part of the conversation.
Try not to look into it too hard FlowersCakeBrew

sk1pper · 01/04/2017 16:51

You can never be entirely sure why they might be avoiding talking about your DD. There could be things they are not telling you - they may have infertility issues of their own. Or maybe their partners don't want kids. Or maybe they don't like talking about kids?

Shocking as it is to some mothers, so people really just aren't interested in children. And they probably can't even begin to understand the scale of what you've been through.

Long story short, not worth loosing your friends over.

LorelaiGilmorethesecond · 01/04/2017 17:05

Your Dh shouldn't have said anything.

You sound very precious

SteppingOnToes · 01/04/2017 17:28

As someone who has not carried a child myself (though I have had foster children and have 2SC) I find talk about babies very difficult - I frankly do not have a clue about what to talk/ask about, or indeed what is appropriate. Experience has taught me too that if I do ask the mums go into too much detail and it can be enough to turn your stomach. I've learned the phrase 'I hope you all are well'...

watchoutformybutt · 01/04/2017 18:17

I can't even believe your DH entertained this and got involved.

hellowembley · 01/04/2017 18:40

Some of these replied are a bit harsh... i totally get why OP was annoyed. It's very weird not to ask after someone's child at all esp when the baby is only 7mo old!

SoupDragon · 01/04/2017 19:03

Yes, but three people remember the conversation differently.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2017 19:23

Did they ask you anything at all about your life? If Yes, YABU, if No, YANBU.

But you shouldn't have involved your DH and when the first friend offered the olive branch you should have taken it.

DragonMamma · 01/04/2017 20:01

Sorry to wade in with another YABU but you are, I'm afraid.

I'm really cringing that your DH got involved. My DH would never ever get involved in my quarrels.

I have 2 DC and never really talk about them to my friends, unless they have done something spectacular or there was a particular point of worry. Our conversations usually go, 'Kids OK?', 'Yes, fine. Are we having starters? Red or white?'

I loathe baby bores and those that just talk generally about their children and their developments.

From the sound of it, you spoke at somewhat length to friend A so that they felt no further questions were required. I wouldn't expect a chat about kids to take more than 2-3 mins. Five minutes at an absolute max.

Apologise to them for being a bit batshit and hopefully they can laugh about it with you when you're being a bit less pfb.

AgathaMystery · 01/04/2017 20:03

God. I feel totally awkward for you. Your husband got involved and not just once but twice. Agh.

Have an honest chat with your friends. And try really hard to understand that babies, no matter how you got yours in your life, are the most boring topic of convo of all time.

Also, pls less of the 'she is our whole world' stuff. It's implied. You are her parents. It's cringey.

I hope you & your friends all make up CakeFlowers

Electrolens · 01/04/2017 20:21

Childless people have no interest in other people's children until they are parents themselves.

This is simply not true and pretty offensive TBH. I do not have children for a number of reasons. I adore my friends children and take an interest in them - spending time with them and asking about them. They're the centre of many of my friends' lives so it would be extremely odd not to.

But as I said in a pp, this was the original topic of conversation when people arrived so I wouldn't then keep asking about them when I'd already heard how friend and baby were getting on.

Understand you feeling sensitive op and you sound like a good friend, but it really seems this has been blown out of proportion.

zeezeek · 01/04/2017 23:31

I'm pretty sure you won't need to worry about them asking after your child in future because if I wash our friend I'd now be pretty sure I wouldn't want to bother seeing you again.

When you have had your child for a bit longer you will welcome the chance to be a normal person again, talking about normal things. Children are dull. Even to other parents. Frankly I really would rather hear about house renovations and my friends ( both those with children and those without) feel the same. It's why we are still friends. If you just want to talk babies and children then fine, but you'll have to find other friends to do it with.

MidniteScribbler · 02/04/2017 02:30

I'd probably end the friendship with you if I were one of the friends. Your DH getting involved is just ridiculous.

What is there even to talk about with a baby? Is it alive? Yes. Good-o. People who don't have children have no interest in feeding schedules, pooing schedules or the fact they smiled yesterday.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 02/04/2017 04:21

You and your DH sound really hard work. Your friends must always be on eggshells if this is the amount of fuss over nothing.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 02/04/2017 09:01

you run the risk of the phone coming out and all the pictures getting shown around which is quite frankly boring

Aaagh I feel this pain. One picture would be fine - but it's usually the whole phone with an invitation to scroll through dozens. Then you have the difficult decision of how long to spend looking at each one.
It's a minefield.

WhataHexIgotinto · 02/04/2017 09:23

I actually think it's a bit shit for them not to ask you about your DD or even to look at a few photos of you wanted to show them, simply because they're supposed to be your friends.

Obviously if you wanted to talk about nothing else, you can't expect them to want to do that but i have no idea at ALL why your DH would send a reply to one of the other DH's mentioning it. I find that so bizarre and it just sounds like you went home after your day out and bitched about your friends. I'd be absolutely mortified if my DH got involved like that.

If you want to stay friends, then get in touch with them but I fear it will be awkward if they now feel as if they have to always ask about your DD.

cherryberrymum · 02/04/2017 09:29

I think your probably justified to be a little upset they didn't ask at all. However you maybe should have said at the time rather than whipping up a passive aggressive shit storm! Your going to be avoided by these people now so you and your husband can talk adinfinitum about DD as you will have no one else to socialise with.

theclick · 02/04/2017 12:29

whilst myself and friend A are still chatting about my DD, from the look on their faces it's clear to me that they have no interest in listening to this or asking after my DD, these women are supposed to be my good friends (one was my maid of honour). Lots of turning away from the conversation and talking about the menu in the coffee shop.

We have a friend who is in a certain profession and she is OBSESSED with it, we deliberately leave our "polite but asking as we have to" questions towards the end of a meal as we know otherwise the whole meal will be about the various stories from her job. I still think your mates know once asked, You won't stop banging on and therefore didn't want to ask at all. Fair enough.

Wando1986 · 02/04/2017 12:41

To those that dont want kids or dislike them, it's the same as talking about your cat or dog all day to someone that dislikes pets. They wouldn't ask about them and would get bored of you talking about them. I get that it's different as it's a human being, but to them it's probably not much different really.

Horrible, but that's the way some people are.

We were the only friends to send gifts and go and see my DH's close friend's new babies when they were born. The other friends in the group didn't even send a congrats text or anything and got a mouthful off the new dads each time (gf had nearly died in labour for one and the other's son nearly died in labour too). Some people are just shit.