AIBU or were my friends just being mean?

[Shitgotreal16]

Looking for some impartial advice really. We have a 7mo DD who is our whole world, multiple mc whilst ttc, and most of my friends know all about our struggle.
A few months ago myself and said friends went out for a ladies day of lunch and a (good) few drinks. Met in a coffee shop, friend A arrives and ask how's motherhood and how's it all going? General chit chat. (I might add that friend A is a friend of a friend who I rarely see but get along with when we do meet in our social circle) Friends B,C & D arrive shortly afterwards whilst myself and friend A are still chatting about my DD, from the look on their faces it's clear to me that they have no interest in listening to this or asking after my DD, these women are supposed to be my good friends (one was my maid of honour). Lots of turning away from the conversation and talking about the menu in the coffee shop. So I ask each one in turn about them and what's been happening since I saw them last? Friend B (maid of honour) saw the weekend previous for a cuppa at my house, I asked if their summer holiday was all booked? Friend C hadn't seen since DD was around 5 weeks old, I asked about her new job offer and about her weight loss (she'd posted on FB the previous night ) and also asked Friend D how her holiday down under was and inquired about all the places she'd visited. So as a Friend I'm showing an interest in their lives and asking about things important to them, so AIBU by thinking at least one of them could ask after my DD and me seeing as it's such a life changing event, messaged my DH later to ask if I was right to be pissed off they hadn't mentioned DD the whole day we were out together, DH being a reasonable man also couldn't understand this. The day finished after quite a few drinks with me quietly seething that these were my good friends and only a friend of a friend had the decency to ask about my DD.
A week or so later DH of Friend C text my DH to arrange a get together, my DH answered with "shit was kind of upset after the other day as none of the girls asked after DD like she didn't exist, not sure what that was all about, so I'll let you know" DH didn't text friend back however they met up this week for a catch up and DH said again "Why do you think that B,C & D behaved that way?" Friend DH agreed it was a crappy thing to do, later that day I receive a message from Friend C asking if we could maybe get together to build some bridges! I asked why they all decided not to mention my DD that day and she got quite defensive and said she was just offering an olive branch and to let her know if I wanted to meet for a drink to talk.
Message then arrives from Friend B saying C is upset and now she's upset too as I have accused them of behaving maliciously, and I should change my recollection of the day out as thats not what happened! So now it's 3 against me trying to say that they joined in the original conversation between me and A.....no they fucking didn't!
To add B,C & D don't have DC's nor do they claim to want them. Friend A does have 2 DD and there was a discussion about her DC's eating habits during the day so it's not like it was a child free day in that sense.
Sorry for the ridiculously long post but need some perspective here, I know I sound all PFB but what type of friends don't ask about something so massive?
Is this a case of friendship going bad after children or are they just mean

This sounds like high school.....

BUT I get why it's upsetting. Of course your friends should show an interest in your life, which includes your DD.

To save my sanity I gave up EVER expecting to talk about the DD's at all to childless friends. People with no kids just don't get it. I found a lot of my friendships changed a lot when kids came along.

I think YWNBU to be a bit peeved that they weren't interested in your life, but YWBVU to have involved your DP and their DPs etc. That's now escalated this beyond all reasonableness and possibly made you look a bit of a precious tit, sorry.

I didn't have my children until over 40 so I was one of those childless at meet ups. However, as my friend. I would have asked about your DD and asked to see some photos. I think the friends were mean not to ask about your DD but as others have said having a child is can be quite divisive. Some are not interested, full stop. I can think of two friendships that have fallen by the wayside.

The most annoying one is the friend who seems the despise babies, close friend said 'you do realise your life is now officially over' when I told her I was pregnant. And would shout 'Boring' on the rare occasion I mentioned anything 'baby'. Fast forward four years and she is now the worst baby bore of all time. It is so dull and there are times when I feel quite resentful about how she was back then.

I would have been hurt but would have drawn the line at getting DH involved or getting into a text battle. Being the first in your group to baby up can be tough. Have you made any 'mum' friends, they are your great ally in the early years?

Sorry, but were they all, one by one, meant to ask about your DD? Because that's not how group conversations work.

They heard you talking with the first friend about DD. Why would they bring up the topic again and again after that? It would be like if after you asked about one of their holidays, everyone listened to the answer then asked again.

If you met them all one on one and they all said nothing about DD, then there might be an issue there, but this is nothing. They heard you have a whole conversation about DD. Being that all of them are childfree they had nothing to add or expand upon, naturally the conversation then moved in other directions.

I think it is bizarre that so many people think your friends behaved normally. If I met up with a close friend with a baby I would probably have a gift for the baby and ask all about sleep/eating etc, and expect to see a few pictures. But I would also be interested in how you are feeling and how life had changed for you. I would be like this whether or not I had a child myself, and all of my friends were like this when I had mine, whether or not they had children or were particularly interested in children.

These people don't sound like really friends.

It's a difficult one - I'm not a fan of baby conversations but would ask. It feels a bit shit when people cut you off about something and a good friend would probably politely ask.
Lots of to-info and fro-info between friends . If friend C said she wanted to build bridges, why then get friend b to message about upsetting her? That's childish. Although perhaps friend c wanted to hear that directly from you originally , not your husband.

It kind of depends if this is the first time you have seen them since your baby was born or not. I'm guessing you have seen them before and they have met the baby? I assumed since you were drinking the baby wasn't with you and if they have heard you talk about the baby before on other catchups and you were talking about the baby when the arrived - then sorry I do think you have lost perspective. As you mentioned your baby is your whole world - I had IVF and I get the struggle etc - but if you are in this position than sorry it's easy to lose perspective on things. The fact you involved your hubby and he's now affected his friendships because you were hurt makes it seem that you are very emotional at the moment. It's worth seeing your friend like she has offered and going from there.

This is playground drama over something so ridiculous I'm actually quite envious of you... If only you had REAL problems!

Like worrying whether to ever mention my DDs 'Daddy' to her now that he's abandoned her completely (after a year in her life, a year of her adoring him & knowing who he is). And worrying who is going to take care of my DD when my illness eventually takes me and she has no parents at all...

Please, take some perspective. You have twice the friends I do, a daughter and a husband. They all obviously DO care about you. Enough to be upset that you thought they weren't interested in your DD.

Just try and brush these annoyances off and enjoy what you are blessed with. Some of us aren't so lucky as to have people in our lives that care. And those in yours clearly do!

The last thing I want to do on a night out is talk about mine and other peoples children. What's with your husband getting involved? Weird post tbh!

You sound hard work.

I have no idea if the last time I saw various friends or family whether they asked after DS or not. I suspect not, he's a pretty boring subject!

Yes - you need perspective.Get a grip - you should have just enjoyed the day.

All this happened a few months ago. What if anything have any of you done to mend fences since then? Or are you refusing to speak to them?

I think it depends how much of the previous conversation they heard before the subject got changed. If they had already heard quite a bit about your child during the end of the previous conversation that they encountered when they approached you and the other woman, they may not have felt the need to ask again.

If we are talking about "talking about children" as a general principle, though... I am surprised by the number of people saying "But other people's children are boring to childless/childfree people!" I find other people's new jobs/house renovation jobs/marathons etc. quite boring, but I still try to remember to ask how these things are going because it's polite. Childfree people don't have carte blanche to be rude any more that anyone else does.

Of course it's normal to enquirer after other people's children but not to really talk at length unless your friends truly enjoy it. I might be barking up the wrong tree but OP do you talk about your child excessively? Maybe they were worried that once you got going you wouldn't stop!

Maybe they got all the info when you were talking to the first person and didnt feel the need to ask.

^this.

In your op you have given several clues that suggest you would have talked on and on about your dd given the chance.

It is strange that they didn't even ask a simple 'how is dd' given that as you say she's an important part of your life, but would you have honestly answered 'wonderful thanks' and moved on, or would your response have included lengthy details?

Gender stereotyping massively here, but your dhs response is extremely unusual. Most men I know aren't interested in such idle gossip and drama. My dh would have firstly stopped listening half way way through that, but if he did endure it to the end would have told me to stop being so silly.

Wow op

You sound like a 5 year old whinging

Why did your DH feel the need to get involved? You need to manage your own friendships not get your husband in to tell them off! I can see why they are now really annoyed and probaby feel like chastised children

Your friend A talked about your daughter. It's not like nobody acknowledged her. I get that she is the centre of the universe for you, I have a very similar medical background so I understand the sense of relief and achievement getting to that point means. But to everyone else she's a baby like every other baby. Normality resumes.

I think you might have damaged the relationships by not taking the olive branch and bringing in your husband tbh. I suspect they are re-evaluating their friendship with you right now as well.

This post looks like algebra

Thanks all for your posts, suppose I just need to get over myself and forgot about it now.
For what it's worth, I don't post anything about DD onto FB, and hadn't seen all but one of these friends for months so I hadn't bored them to death with talking about DD. I guess DH thought he was defending me somehow by sending the message, DH and friends DH probably see it all as quite "high school" too.

That was a very strange thing for your DH to do. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

Defending you? Or appeasing you? I actually think that your friends could have made a bit more effort here to ask a couple more questions about your daughter, but the way everyone reacted (especially your husband), the tone of your post and your continuing outrage over this event from months ago all suggest to me that you might be known as a bit difficult. Does your husband often find himself trying to smooth feathers around you?

You say DD is your whole world and that's fine but she's YOUR awhile world and to everyone else she's one of many babies that exist.
A few polite enquiries may have been nice but your friends are under no obligation to talk about nothing but your child.
Then for your DH to get involved as well is ridiculous and has caused a problem where one didn't really exist.
Childless friends can sometimes pull away from ones with new babies and you are pretty much ensuring that happens here

The question now is do you want to salvage the friendships? If yes i think it's time for a shit sandwich (saying something hard in between two nice statements) e.g. you were really looking forward to seeing your friends the other night as it had been a while, a lot had happened since and you missed them. You were really upset that no-one asked about your baby and it really hurt your feelings. You're sorry you got the husband's involved and would like to meet up to sort things out. You could offer to bring your gorgeous baby asking asking so they can see what all the fuss is about.
I agree that as it was a night out they might not have wanted to get you taking about DD incase you didn't stop and figured the topic had already been covered with friend A, but i still think it was a bit shitty of them and I'd be upset too.