AIBU or were my friends just being mean?

[Shitgotreal16]

Looking for some impartial advice really. We have a 7mo DD who is our whole world, multiple mc whilst ttc, and most of my friends know all about our struggle.
A few months ago myself and said friends went out for a ladies day of lunch and a (good) few drinks. Met in a coffee shop, friend A arrives and ask how's motherhood and how's it all going? General chit chat. (I might add that friend A is a friend of a friend who I rarely see but get along with when we do meet in our social circle) Friends B,C & D arrive shortly afterwards whilst myself and friend A are still chatting about my DD, from the look on their faces it's clear to me that they have no interest in listening to this or asking after my DD, these women are supposed to be my good friends (one was my maid of honour). Lots of turning away from the conversation and talking about the menu in the coffee shop. So I ask each one in turn about them and what's been happening since I saw them last? Friend B (maid of honour) saw the weekend previous for a cuppa at my house, I asked if their summer holiday was all booked? Friend C hadn't seen since DD was around 5 weeks old, I asked about her new job offer and about her weight loss (she'd posted on FB the previous night ) and also asked Friend D how her holiday down under was and inquired about all the places she'd visited. So as a Friend I'm showing an interest in their lives and asking about things important to them, so AIBU by thinking at least one of them could ask after my DD and me seeing as it's such a life changing event, messaged my DH later to ask if I was right to be pissed off they hadn't mentioned DD the whole day we were out together, DH being a reasonable man also couldn't understand this. The day finished after quite a few drinks with me quietly seething that these were my good friends and only a friend of a friend had the decency to ask about my DD.
A week or so later DH of Friend C text my DH to arrange a get together, my DH answered with "shit was kind of upset after the other day as none of the girls asked after DD like she didn't exist, not sure what that was all about, so I'll let you know" DH didn't text friend back however they met up this week for a catch up and DH said again "Why do you think that B,C & D behaved that way?" Friend DH agreed it was a crappy thing to do, later that day I receive a message from Friend C asking if we could maybe get together to build some bridges! I asked why they all decided not to mention my DD that day and she got quite defensive and said she was just offering an olive branch and to let her know if I wanted to meet for a drink to talk.
Message then arrives from Friend B saying C is upset and now she's upset too as I have accused them of behaving maliciously, and I should change my recollection of the day out as thats not what happened! So now it's 3 against me trying to say that they joined in the original conversation between me and A.....no they fucking didn't!
To add B,C & D don't have DC's nor do they claim to want them. Friend A does have 2 DD and there was a discussion about her DC's eating habits during the day so it's not like it was a child free day in that sense.
Sorry for the ridiculously long post but need some perspective here, I know I sound all PFB but what type of friends don't ask about something so massive?
Is this a case of friendship going bad after children or are they just mean

and for you.
None of my friends would have been so mean.
So pleased that you have DD now and very sorry for the previous mc's.They are devastating aren't they?
Lovely that DH is so supportive.Mine would have been too.
All the best.Mx.
Ps. I probably bore the arse of all and sundry with tales of my many GC's.So what.Sod 'em .

What has your struggle to conceive got to with it? Is your child more precious than anyone else's? I can't for a minute understand why this would piss you off, she is SEVEN months, hardly new. Do you not have or want a life beyond her?

A week or so later DH of Friend C text my DH to arrange a get together, my DH answered with "shit was kind of upset after the other day as none of the girls asked after DD like she didn't exist, not sure what that was all about, so I'll let you know "

I don't get this part at all.

Was the proposed get together between the four of you, or just your DH and friend's DH?

Because, if the latter, then did your DH really say "so I'll let you know" in response to his pal's request that the two of them meet up? Because you were upset with the friend's wife??

I'm assuming that the get together was for the four and your DH didn't blow off a meet up with his friend over you?

Because that would indicate your DH is either a shit stirrer who really ❤️ drama. Or is totally under the thumb.

Sorry op, I think both uou and your husband are behaving strangely. It probably didn't occur to anyone to ask, they would be more interested in general chit chat or about you, not your child. And for your husband to get involved is kinda weird and way over the top. It is all a bit playground.

I very much doubt they was some conspiracy not to mention your daughter they didn't all "decide"not to do this, and the fact you think they did is bizzare.

Should they have asked? Yes. It's polite. But you and your DH have now turned this into a massive thing for no reason. Your friend held out an olive branch and you basically hit her with it! You need to apologise or risk losing these friends altogether.

The world does not revolve around you.

YANBU to maybe feel a little disappointed that people didnt ask about DC.

YABVU- to have responded the way you did. The baby is 7 months old. Its not a new newborn, the big "wow life changer we have a baby now" moment has been and gone. Life moves on.

Maybe im reading it wrong, but you give off the impression that a "and hows baby doing?" question wouldnt be answered with a "great thanks, though seriously can you believe what she did (insert quick cute/funny story). Anyway this isnt playgroup, amen for adult time". Thry mighy have not asked having already seen yku and friend A in a long baby chat.
Your DH getting involved and maybe not seeing his mate because their mrs upset you just makes you sound like a drama queen

People are boring about lots of things. Here's my list of things I think are much more boring than people's kids: home renovations, horses, holiday plans, travel plans general, bitching about neighbours' minor transgressions, discussion about diet, talk about celebrities, talk about shopping.

These subjects can be interesting if you care deeply about the person talking, or if that person has the wit of Oscar Wilde, I guess.

OP, It is sad to realise that your friends don't care about the thing that is most important in your life: your children, but that's how people are. Only your parents and maybe a couple of other people really truly care about you (and thus about things which are important to you), and that's if you are lucky. I don't think I am being cynical; it seems to me to be human nature.

I don't understand why your husband got involved, tbh.

I had a massive argument with a friend a few weeks ago. Husbands were in the house. Conversation between the husbands went like this " is it all alright now" " think so, I'm not getting involved". That would be fairly standard in my opinion...and if my husband tried to get involved I'd be not happy about it at all. Cos I'm all grown up now and can manage my own relationships. 😂

I second what a pp has said.
Most of my childless friends never ask about my dd. they don't pull faces though :-(
You didn't do anything wrong it was nice of you to ask what they had been up to in turn. Keep being you

Your husband does sound a bit fucking odd, tbh. Mine would have said something along the lines of "get over it", as nicely as possible!

Only your parents and maybe a couple of other people really truly care about you (and thus about things which are important to you), and that's if you are lucky.

I think that's a bit unfair. There are plenty of people that I genuinely care about but who I can do without hearing in detail about their child's sleep and eating patterns. If they were worried or there had just been a big milestone (walking, etc.) then of course I'd want to hear about it, but not if they're just telling me daily trivia. Similarly, I'd expect friends to show some interest if I got a new job, but I don't tell them about what I'm doing day to day. When you ask people 'how's work?' very few people give an answer other than 'fine, bit busy'.

Tbh, I don't really enjoy conversations that are about the day to day stuff of either party's life, and I don't find that many of my conversations are like that. Of course we start with a 'how are things?' but then we talk about politics, films, books, etc. unless either party has some big personal news, or something they want to discuss.

I think your DH was v unreasonable to send that text. No wonder your friends are pissed off.

I think any subject can be interesting if the person discussing it is witty and entertaining! I've got a friend who can be hugely funny and entertaining, often about very mundane subjects, BUT, he occasionally goes on very long winded rants that are dull as fuck, usually about brexit or the shed he's building. I try to avoid those subjects when talking to him!
I think your friends probably just don't realise that not mentioning your baby was hurtful to you but you should give them the benefit of the doubt - after this they'll likely not do it again!
And yes, agree with all who say your husband should NOT have got involved, but there's nothing you can do about it now. Just try to draw a line and move on!

You could offer to bring your gorgeous baby asking asking so they can see what all the fuss is about.

Please don't do this!

Also, having reread the (long!) OP, I think this bit is quite crucial:

Friend A does have 2 DD and there was a discussion about her DC's eating habits during the day so it's not like it was a child free day in that sense.

I think this actually indicates that they weren't refusing to talk about children because they find them boring; I really do think that either they did think it had been covered in the initial conversation or that you have form for going on and on and friend A doesn't! Also, you seem to have been waiting to be asked like it was some friendship test - couldn't you have chimed in with that conversation if you wanted to talk about your daughter?

I'm one of those childless friends, and yes I would probably ask about DD. However when you do (and I know this from experience) you run the risk of the phone coming out and all the pictures getting shown around which is quite frankly boring. I don't mind a 'yeah she's fine thank you, pleased to have a night with you guys and leave DH to settle her' but everyone knows it usually doesn't end there, especially with new mums!

Before I had kids I really didn't get that they become so important in your world.
I imagine I would have been like your friends and never asked after friends children. It just wouldn't have occurred to me.
At least once it was pointed out, one of the friends has tried to fix things. Everyone makes mistakes and she sounds like she's trying. Take her up on the offer and try to shake it off.
Save mum chat for other mums and 'you' chat with them. They may well ask after next time you meet, just say she's fine, sleeping through. Then stop talking about her. It's the one part of your life you don't have in common so chat about all the other stuff that you do.

Wow! The majority of people on this thread seem to be horrible, selfish people and I'd be surprised if any of you even have friends considering you don't even seem to be aware of simple etiquette. It's polite to ask about your friends lives, especially life changing events, regardless of whether you find the topic interesting or not. I am not remotely interested in my friends jobs but I ask how work is going. If a friend has a baby, you ask after the baby. If they move house, you ask about the house move/new house. If they suffer a bereavement, you ask about the bereavement and give sympathy. It doesn't matter whether you are interested or not, you ask because you care about your friend and what is important to them. Some people wear the "I hate children/I'm not interested in other people's children" like a badge of honour. In reality it isn't something impressive to boast about, it makes you sound like an arsehole.

YABU and, for your DH to message your friend's DH about it is, quite frankly, bizarre.

Yes, your baby is your whole world but she is not your friends' whole world. If you want to talk about your baby go to a mother and baby group or parenting group but don't expect your friends to be as interested in your baby as you are.

You were being precious. You weren't there for a mothers meeting, and they knew your dd was fine as they heard the convo with a. Maybe they felt left out as you and a have kids. Getting your dh involved was a bit petty and childish TBH and him saying " well blah didn't mention dd the other day so I'll let you know" is beyond petty.

My typo was supposed to read -

"You could offer to bring your gorgeous baby along so they can see what all the fuss is about."

Don't know if that changes things.
As pp said, sometimes other people want to talk about kids more when kids are there, evening drinking being grown up time.

I can see why you are a bit hurt as from your point of view you felt they didn't care about your new life, and when you become a mother it's literally a whole new life so in a way it feels like they don't care about you. But they don't have kids so they don't really understand that, they will just see it as a part of your life which they already heard you talking about.
It has all been blown out of proportion now and if you want to remain friends with them I'm afraid you need to swallow your pride and apologise for taking it so personally and perhaps just try and explain in person (not over text) why you felt a bit hurt but that in retrospect you can see you probably read the situation wrong.

YANBU to be a little upset but YABU to make such a big deal of it.

The most annoying one is the friend who seems the despise babies, close friend said 'you do realise your life is now officially over' when I told her I was pregnant. And would shout 'Boring' on the rare occasion I mentioned anything 'baby' Fast forward four years and she is now the worst baby bore of all time. It is so dull and there are times when I feel quite resentful about how she was back then.

That is truly awful and she wouldn't be a friend of mine anymore.

The Op had already talked about the baby so I don't get where she thinks she's been ignored.

Oh my word. A week later and your dh brought it up with a friends dh!! Cringe.

How long did this occur?

You are being way too sensitive.