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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or were my friends just being mean?

209 replies

Shitgotreal16 · 31/03/2017 22:37

Looking for some impartial advice really. We have a 7mo DD who is our whole world, multiple mc whilst ttc, and most of my friends know all about our struggle.
A few months ago myself and said friends went out for a ladies day of lunch and a (good) few drinks. Met in a coffee shop, friend A arrives and ask how's motherhood and how's it all going? General chit chat. (I might add that friend A is a friend of a friend who I rarely see but get along with when we do meet in our social circle) Friends B,C & D arrive shortly afterwards whilst myself and friend A are still chatting about my DD, from the look on their faces it's clear to me that they have no interest in listening to this or asking after my DD, these women are supposed to be my good friends (one was my maid of honour). Lots of turning away from the conversation and talking about the menu in the coffee shop. So I ask each one in turn about them and what's been happening since I saw them last? Friend B (maid of honour) saw the weekend previous for a cuppa at my house, I asked if their summer holiday was all booked? Friend C hadn't seen since DD was around 5 weeks old, I asked about her new job offer and about her weight loss (she'd posted on FB the previous night ) and also asked Friend D how her holiday down under was and inquired about all the places she'd visited. So as a Friend I'm showing an interest in their lives and asking about things important to them, so AIBU by thinking at least one of them could ask after my DD and me seeing as it's such a life changing event, messaged my DH later to ask if I was right to be pissed off they hadn't mentioned DD the whole day we were out together, DH being a reasonable man also couldn't understand this. The day finished after quite a few drinks with me quietly seething that these were my good friends and only a friend of a friend had the decency to ask about my DD.
A week or so later DH of Friend C text my DH to arrange a get together, my DH answered with "shit was kind of upset after the other day as none of the girls asked after DD like she didn't exist, not sure what that was all about, so I'll let you know" DH didn't text friend back however they met up this week for a catch up and DH said again "Why do you think that B,C & D behaved that way?" Friend DH agreed it was a crappy thing to do, later that day I receive a message from Friend C asking if we could maybe get together to build some bridges! I asked why they all decided not to mention my DD that day and she got quite defensive and said she was just offering an olive branch and to let her know if I wanted to meet for a drink to talk.
Message then arrives from Friend B saying C is upset and now she's upset too as I have accused them of behaving maliciously, and I should change my recollection of the day out as thats not what happened! So now it's 3 against me trying to say that they joined in the original conversation between me and A.....no they fucking didn't!
To add B,C & D don't have DC's nor do they claim to want them. Friend A does have 2 DD and there was a discussion about her DC's eating habits during the day so it's not like it was a child free day in that sense.
Sorry for the ridiculously long post but need some perspective here, I know I sound all PFB but what type of friends don't ask about something so massive?
Is this a case of friendship going bad after children or are they just mean Sad

OP posts:
TaliDiNozzo · 01/04/2017 09:58

Getting your DH involved was daft. There was nothing you needed 'defending' from or about so not sure what was going through his mind to make such a comment to the other DH.

Honestly, I get what you're saying but you're right, it is very high school and silly. Your friends are your friends, not fellow parents. They are doing the best thing they can for you in still treating you like an individual and not just your DD's mother. If you do meet up, apologise for your DH getting involved and try to move on.

ChocAuVin · 01/04/2017 09:59

It all sounds like terribly hard work. They'll doubtless all be wary now of not having the 'right' conversation with you... doesn't sound particularly friendly.

From over here, YAB a tad U but it doesn't have to be a massive deal - unless you make it into one.

Wendalicious · 01/04/2017 10:02

As a mummy our whole world changes and our babies are constantly on our minds but it's true even good friends just don't really care about talking about them, sad but true x

RainbowPastel · 01/04/2017 10:04

What a complete overreaction about nothing. Not everyone is interested in your child. Your husband has made you look a numpty.

Pandaponda · 01/04/2017 10:07

Your DH sounds really supportive although agree his involvement might not have helped. Can you email everyone and say let's not make a big thing about it /agree to disagree about the girls day. Then could you have next meet up at yours with DPs and DD and all build bridges that way?

cece · 01/04/2017 10:09

So you had a chance of a night out with friends drinking. To have fun.

Instead you get upset no one has mentioned your DD even though you were talking about her as the first topic of conversation. Then you get your DH involved.

Wow. I don' t know what to say. If they still want to be friends with you then I think you need to take the chance. You sound like hard work.

SharkBastard · 01/04/2017 10:12

I find baby/children talk utterly boring. I have 1 child and pregnant with my second, I find pregnancy talk utterly boring too!

What I wouldn't do to have a night off to get langered and talk bollocks about anything other than babies or children

YHBU, and to get DP involved is next level

Universitychallenging · 01/04/2017 10:13

I don't want to sound mean op, but do you think they might have some kind of compassion fatigue with you?

Whilst I have every sympathy for your losses, Multiple MC prior to your DD that they knew all about might have drained them emotionally. And they just might not be able to invest emotionally in your friendship in the same way.

If you talked about all your struggles a lot and want to talk all about your baby they might just feel it's too much.

Janeofalltrades1 · 01/04/2017 10:17

YABU. maybe they were listening to you. Perhaps you're just being sensitive because it is your child. Yes, it would've been nice/polite if they ask about your DD but that doesn't make them rude/unreasonable for not asking. I think you've overreacted and of course your DH would agree with you (and their DH too at first) as they're only hearing YOUR side of the story.

user1471496670 · 01/04/2017 10:24

I'm sure they didn't ask because they already heard you talking about her AND I presume as she's not exactly a newborn that they already know how she is because of FB updates/other conversations. I don't ask my friends about their children every single time I see them but might ask a general 'how's things?'
You sound very hard work, your DH getting involved is cringeworthy, I'd be mortified with embarrassment.
I think you're very lucky you're friends have tried to rectify it tbh.

happypoobum · 01/04/2017 10:25

Other peoples children are unutterably boring, until they are teenagers and start doing interesting stuff Grin

I really don't understand why you are so miffed and why your husband made such a childish remark to his friend, making everything so much worse.

If I were you I would apologise to the friends and ask if you can start again.

Uiscebeatha85 · 01/04/2017 10:27

Oh dear 😂 I'm cringing on behalf of you and your DH and I'm not sure I could stay friends with the people you believe are totally unreasonable to ask about your DD. Babies are boring to everyone who's not the parent or grandparent. I even bore myself talking about my 8mo sometimes.

YABVU

Marmalade85 · 01/04/2017 10:50

I can imagine you post baby updates often on social media so perhaps there isn't a need to ask.

TurnipCake · 01/04/2017 10:55

Oh God OP, I cannot believe your DH actually did that. I would be mortified.

Your children/life events/photos of food on social media will never be as interesting or important to others as they are to you.

I'd be surprised if they want to meet up for another lunch

FloatyCat · 01/04/2017 10:56

Oh dear, why on earth did your husband get dragged into this? I bet his mate was thinking WTF???
It really is a ridiculous thing to have this big fall out over, you mustn't be so sensitive or you will lose friends over this.

ThePiglet59 · 01/04/2017 11:00

You sound childish and ridiculous to be honest

LordWontYouBuyMeAMercedesBenz · 01/04/2017 11:07

I think you're making an enormous deal out of nothing. It sounds petty and childish.

Goondoit · 01/04/2017 11:13

So read the full thread and do agree yabu op
I do think if you were discussing dd with friend A when B and C arrived why should they ask I'm sure they heard what you were saying?
Why did dh feel he needed to get involved #awquward

SoupDragon · 01/04/2017 11:30

I can imagine you post baby updates often on social media so perhaps there isn't a need to ask.

I imagine you couldnt be arsed to read the whole thread, or even just theOP's comments.

Hulababy · 01/04/2017 11:34

It would definitely have been polite of them to ask or at least show a vague interest. To completely ignore and not mention is somewhat rude. Op didn't say she wanted to talk about her child exclusively or for long, but a meet passing would be common courtesy.

Let's face it, op did ask them about important things in their life regardless of how interesting it was to her - houses, weight loss etc - all not necessarily riveting stuff to others unless you're also in the middle of it.

I understand it wanting to necessarily just talk about children but surely no one would never even mention it, esp when the baby is fairly new so it is still a big new thing in the OPs life.

Zhabr · 01/04/2017 11:45

Massive BU. OP, you should realise that while your baby DD is your "whole world", is is not the same for your friends. You probably feel that DD is your biggest achievement in life (rightly so), but somehow your friends are not appreciating this fact enough.

Redlocks28 · 01/04/2017 11:47

Oh dear-How very embarrassing!

I wonder if your friends will decide to go without you next time.

SingingSilver · 01/04/2017 12:35

I do wonder if the 'my whole world' bit made your friends apprehensive that you were going to be a baby bore and they wanted to pre-empt that? Maybe they walked in while you and your other friend were discussing nappies or something and it put them off? But they handled it badly.

If they are offering an olive branch take it, and see how they act in future. Forgive, but don't forget!

clumsyduck · 01/04/2017 12:47

I'm 50/50 on this. I have friends who I see regularly our dc are close friends etc and so on a night out the topic of the dc might not come up at all . but I'd feel id be deliberately going out of my way not to ask for example if I hadn't seen a friend in months and she had a young baby. So think it depends prior to this day how often you have seen / spoke to them

Involving dh though ... Cringe

DelphiniumBlue · 01/04/2017 12:57

They didn't need to ask about DD, you were already talking about her.
Babies are very boring to people who don't have them - they already heard that the baby is alive, they don't need feeding details, sleep details etc.
They've tried to hold out an olive branch, you are not happy with that.
Who is being unreasonable? I think you need to cut them some slack, and if you need to talk about your baby at length ( as I did when mine were little), make some new mum friends if you haven't already done so. Only other new mums will be as interested as you in the minutiae of life with a baby.