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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or were my friends just being mean?

209 replies

Shitgotreal16 · 31/03/2017 22:37

Looking for some impartial advice really. We have a 7mo DD who is our whole world, multiple mc whilst ttc, and most of my friends know all about our struggle.
A few months ago myself and said friends went out for a ladies day of lunch and a (good) few drinks. Met in a coffee shop, friend A arrives and ask how's motherhood and how's it all going? General chit chat. (I might add that friend A is a friend of a friend who I rarely see but get along with when we do meet in our social circle) Friends B,C & D arrive shortly afterwards whilst myself and friend A are still chatting about my DD, from the look on their faces it's clear to me that they have no interest in listening to this or asking after my DD, these women are supposed to be my good friends (one was my maid of honour). Lots of turning away from the conversation and talking about the menu in the coffee shop. So I ask each one in turn about them and what's been happening since I saw them last? Friend B (maid of honour) saw the weekend previous for a cuppa at my house, I asked if their summer holiday was all booked? Friend C hadn't seen since DD was around 5 weeks old, I asked about her new job offer and about her weight loss (she'd posted on FB the previous night ) and also asked Friend D how her holiday down under was and inquired about all the places she'd visited. So as a Friend I'm showing an interest in their lives and asking about things important to them, so AIBU by thinking at least one of them could ask after my DD and me seeing as it's such a life changing event, messaged my DH later to ask if I was right to be pissed off they hadn't mentioned DD the whole day we were out together, DH being a reasonable man also couldn't understand this. The day finished after quite a few drinks with me quietly seething that these were my good friends and only a friend of a friend had the decency to ask about my DD.
A week or so later DH of Friend C text my DH to arrange a get together, my DH answered with "shit was kind of upset after the other day as none of the girls asked after DD like she didn't exist, not sure what that was all about, so I'll let you know" DH didn't text friend back however they met up this week for a catch up and DH said again "Why do you think that B,C & D behaved that way?" Friend DH agreed it was a crappy thing to do, later that day I receive a message from Friend C asking if we could maybe get together to build some bridges! I asked why they all decided not to mention my DD that day and she got quite defensive and said she was just offering an olive branch and to let her know if I wanted to meet for a drink to talk.
Message then arrives from Friend B saying C is upset and now she's upset too as I have accused them of behaving maliciously, and I should change my recollection of the day out as thats not what happened! So now it's 3 against me trying to say that they joined in the original conversation between me and A.....no they fucking didn't!
To add B,C & D don't have DC's nor do they claim to want them. Friend A does have 2 DD and there was a discussion about her DC's eating habits during the day so it's not like it was a child free day in that sense.
Sorry for the ridiculously long post but need some perspective here, I know I sound all PFB but what type of friends don't ask about something so massive?
Is this a case of friendship going bad after children or are they just mean Sad

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 01/04/2017 08:42

They should've asked how your DD was. The Friend A has kids so naturally more interested. However, my bff has never had kids and is single but she's like an honorary aunt to my two so it's not always the case that childfree friends aren't interested. I was always asking after friends' kids before I had mine though and wanted to hear how they were getting on.

MargaretCavendish · 01/04/2017 08:45

0ntheedge I got that, and I think I was being a bit harsh - offering to bring the baby along is fine, but I'd phrase it as 'I'd love for you to get to know her better'. Saying they'll 'see what all the fuss is about' makes it sound to me like they're all supposed to spend the time worshipping her. It just sounds really smug.

To be clear, I do think they should make a bit more effort too. I'm childless but would like not to be, and I know better than this. I recently spent half a brunch talking about (and asking) about a friend's baby - it was a bit shit, as I was having a miscarriage at the time, but she's a friend and she clearly wanted to talk about it. So we did. I do wonder how old OP and friends are, though? If I'm honest, 25 year old me wouldn't have made the same effort (and would probably have been secretly thinking that the friend was mad for having a child!). It must be hard to be out of step with your group like this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2017 08:47

They have no concept of how important your dd is as they are childless. Being a parent, I can understand your hurt.

I think you have to categorise friends in terms of who they are and what they bring to the table. These friends are grown up friends, who talk about grown up stuff. Not mummy friends, who talk about babies.

Besides, perhaps you don't know their behind the scenes struggles and just maybe one of them is jealous of you for having a child so it's too painful to discuss and perhaps the other has no intention of wanting one as they find them boring etc. If they have plenty of child bearing years ahead of them and you're all still young, it is also likely they haven't reached the age yet to want a child.

KitKat1985 · 01/04/2017 08:49

I agree it perhaps would have been nice if they had asked how your DD was, but you have massively over-reacted here. When I meet friends (some of whom have kids, some don't) sometimes the subject of my kids comes up, sometimes it doesn't. It's never occurred to me to care that much either way.

Pigface1 · 01/04/2017 08:56

Although i do understand why you're upset, you have vastly, vastly overreacted.

Bunkai · 01/04/2017 08:59

Interesting that your friends are upset and say that you need to "change your recollection". Was this because you talked about your DD a lot so they never specifically asked you about your DD because they didn't need to?

I used to meet up with a load of mums when our DCs were babies. We always had a good laugh on our nights out.. Everyone was included. Except the next morning one girl would phone one of us and proceed to bad mouth another for how rude and horrid they were. Who she phoned and slagged off changed each time.

The problem was none of the rest of us saw any of the issues she did. There were six if us in the group so you'd have thought we'd have picked up on it at least once. Nope.

Perhaps instead of reflecting on what they didn't ask why don't you reflect on what you guys talked about? It may give you a different perspective.

Parker231 · 01/04/2017 09:01

We make a rule on girls nights out - no baby/children talk. We're out to get away from them !

Universitychallenging · 01/04/2017 09:06

You've totally over reacted getting your DH involved, as has he with his texts and follow up phone calls.

I don't see that what your friends did was so awful. You were talking about your DD when they arrived.

Mulberry72 · 01/04/2017 09:07

You've massively over reacted OP and getting your DH involved is ridiculous!

NotAnotheChinHair · 01/04/2017 09:11

I think it would have been nice of them to at least fake some interest in your DD but you totally over reacted and your DH should have never got involved. Also, you made things worse when your friend texted you and tried to get together to talk.

podrig · 01/04/2017 09:15

You sound ridiculous Flowers

Quartz2208 · 01/04/2017 09:16

I think initially they were a little rude (although it does a little come across as you asked about their lives just so they could ask about yours) and I would have been a bit irritated but then you entirely overreacted and have made it into something that much bigger.

The thing is your life rightly revolves around your daughter and its massive for you but for them perhaps hearing the bit at the beginning was enough for them

Universitychallenging · 01/04/2017 09:18

I think given how they all reacted that it sounds like your recollection is a bit off and they did indeed talk about your baby.

robinia · 01/04/2017 09:18

DH has inadvertently made things worse. If it's not too late I'd message your friends, explain you were being a bit pfb and it wasn't as big a deal as your dh was making out.

Screwinthetuna · 01/04/2017 09:20

I mean this in the nicest way possible but you sound like hard work. It would have been polite of them to ask about your DD in passing but it's not a given that they haveto and certainly not something to break up friendships about and involve your DH!

I think most times i go out with my friends, they ask 'how's things?' rather than 'how are your kids?'
Plus, they had all heard about your DD from your first discussion so what more could they have asked? Unless they have kids of similar ages, they probably aren't interested in sitting through 5 minutes of you talking about which weaning foods you have introduced this week, the same as you aren't interested in the mundane parts of their jobs. You need to loosen up otherwise you will end up with no friends, while ruining your DH's friendships while you're at it

Imstickingwiththisone · 01/04/2017 09:25

Tbh OP I wouldn't have thought to ask if i was childless either. If your DD is 7 months old i would assume that everything has been figured out with regards to babies and there's nothing to discuss 😁

Even now I would assume the baby was fine and ask more about the mother and how she's was getting on with sleep deprivation etc

diddl · 01/04/2017 09:39

So you were talking about your daughter to one friend when everyone else arrived & heard this?

You didn't really expect them then individually to ask about your daughter for you to go through the whole thing again?

I'd be furious with your husband!

He's made you look a right tit and then you compounded it by just mentioning your daughter again when someone got in touch!

Electrolens · 01/04/2017 09:42

The first topic of conversation when everyone arrived was your DD and how you are doing. Why on earth would your friends then ask 'how is your DD?' It doesn't make sense.

I would definitely ask after a friend's baby in the situation you describe...but not after I'd already heard the answer!

MargaretCavendish · 01/04/2017 09:44

Lots of people saying they'd be cross with the husband... Doesn't it sound like OP a) definitely thought what he did was right and b) almost certainly encouraged it?

EweAreHere · 01/04/2017 09:48

Sorry, OP, but imo you and your DH both behaved unreasonably. I can't believe he brought it up with your friend's husband, and then you made things worse by complaining to your friend when she was trying to fix something (that, frankly, shouldn't have needed fixing).

I do think you need to get a grip. Find other things to talk about. Only talking about your children is, frankly, boring. And, yes, I have three of them, and I still know that having other things to talk about is healthy and sensible.

Katedotness1963 · 01/04/2017 09:49

If I read it correctly, your other friends arrived while you were talking to A about your child. Presumably they heard the conversation and I'm not sure why you'd expect them to ask about your child separately.

The message from your husband makes me cringe.

OccasionalNachos · 01/04/2017 09:51

Much as I think you are a little bit unreasonable & have overreacted to this & are over-thinking it, I feel like I want to defend childless/childfree people, we're not all rude nightmares!

I don't have children. I don't know if I will have them in the future. Some of my friends have children. Sometimes it's boring. But I still ask after them, because it's kind & they're my friends and it is important to them.

SoupDragon · 01/04/2017 09:51

Three people remember the day differently to you. Perhaps the truth lies somewhere in between.

rollonthesummer · 01/04/2017 09:53

whilst myself and friend A are still chatting about my DD, from the look on their faces it's clear to me that they have no interest in listening to this or asking after my DD, these women are supposed to be my good friends (one was my maid of honour). Lots of turning away from the conversation and talking about the menu in the coffee shop.

How long did you carry on this monologue about your daughter after the others arrived?! If they had enough time to be looking at the menu-it seems a while! It is common courtesy when others arrive, to stop talking, look up and acknowledge your mates! You sound self-obsessed and your husband is really not helping

I would love to hear your friends' side of this.

Qvar · 01/04/2017 09:57

It's neither. People without kids don't talk about kids. There are a million and one topics in the worlds and your baby is going to be somewhere at the bottom of the list of interesting things to talk about for everyone who ain't you