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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or were my friends just being mean?

209 replies

Shitgotreal16 · 31/03/2017 22:37

Looking for some impartial advice really. We have a 7mo DD who is our whole world, multiple mc whilst ttc, and most of my friends know all about our struggle.
A few months ago myself and said friends went out for a ladies day of lunch and a (good) few drinks. Met in a coffee shop, friend A arrives and ask how's motherhood and how's it all going? General chit chat. (I might add that friend A is a friend of a friend who I rarely see but get along with when we do meet in our social circle) Friends B,C & D arrive shortly afterwards whilst myself and friend A are still chatting about my DD, from the look on their faces it's clear to me that they have no interest in listening to this or asking after my DD, these women are supposed to be my good friends (one was my maid of honour). Lots of turning away from the conversation and talking about the menu in the coffee shop. So I ask each one in turn about them and what's been happening since I saw them last? Friend B (maid of honour) saw the weekend previous for a cuppa at my house, I asked if their summer holiday was all booked? Friend C hadn't seen since DD was around 5 weeks old, I asked about her new job offer and about her weight loss (she'd posted on FB the previous night ) and also asked Friend D how her holiday down under was and inquired about all the places she'd visited. So as a Friend I'm showing an interest in their lives and asking about things important to them, so AIBU by thinking at least one of them could ask after my DD and me seeing as it's such a life changing event, messaged my DH later to ask if I was right to be pissed off they hadn't mentioned DD the whole day we were out together, DH being a reasonable man also couldn't understand this. The day finished after quite a few drinks with me quietly seething that these were my good friends and only a friend of a friend had the decency to ask about my DD.
A week or so later DH of Friend C text my DH to arrange a get together, my DH answered with "shit was kind of upset after the other day as none of the girls asked after DD like she didn't exist, not sure what that was all about, so I'll let you know" DH didn't text friend back however they met up this week for a catch up and DH said again "Why do you think that B,C & D behaved that way?" Friend DH agreed it was a crappy thing to do, later that day I receive a message from Friend C asking if we could maybe get together to build some bridges! I asked why they all decided not to mention my DD that day and she got quite defensive and said she was just offering an olive branch and to let her know if I wanted to meet for a drink to talk.
Message then arrives from Friend B saying C is upset and now she's upset too as I have accused them of behaving maliciously, and I should change my recollection of the day out as thats not what happened! So now it's 3 against me trying to say that they joined in the original conversation between me and A.....no they fucking didn't!
To add B,C & D don't have DC's nor do they claim to want them. Friend A does have 2 DD and there was a discussion about her DC's eating habits during the day so it's not like it was a child free day in that sense.
Sorry for the ridiculously long post but need some perspective here, I know I sound all PFB but what type of friends don't ask about something so massive?
Is this a case of friendship going bad after children or are they just mean

OP posts:

thegoodnameshadgone · 31/03/2017 23:03

If they were good friends they would have been interested. IMO. That's your life now. The biggest bit of it. Yep people can drivel on about their kids but your best friends
Would be a part of it too. Sorry but they sound like bitches. I've two close friends and both are a big part of my child's
Life. Because they are my best friends. Same with their children. And the nephews of my my friend who doesn't have children just yet.

hollieberrie · 31/03/2017 23:03

Are you a baby bore type person? I never ask those people about their kids as once they start you cant get them to stop and its soooooo dull.

Enidblyton1 · 31/03/2017 23:06

Many of my friends (it does tend to be the ones who haven't had their own children) don't ask about my children when we meet up. I have noticed this, but it doesn't bother me at all. I have other friends (who I met through having children) who talk of little else than our children.
Look on the positive side - isn't it nice to have a range of friends with whom you can discuss different things?
I wouldn't take it as an insult that they don't mention your DD. When you have a young baby they are all consuming and it's easy to forget your previous child free existence. Embrace it!

givemestrengthorgin · 31/03/2017 23:06

OP I can understand where you are coming from and why you are hurt. I think your friends were out of order. It's a two way street...you ask them about things that are going on in their life and they reciprocate by asking you about yours...i.e your DD. I don't think you are being precious.

JaneEyre70 · 31/03/2017 23:07

My friends and I used to have an unspoken rule that if we had kids with us, we were in mummy mode and would talk about feeding/sleeping etc and what each others kids were doing etc. Meeting up without kids was adult time, and no one spoke about their kids. Ever.
I think you're being a little over sensitive here OP, and whilst yes it's lovely that you're a mummy now after a hard time but you're still a person too and your friends wanted to talk to you. I'd text them all and say sorry, bit emotional and hormonal....please let's meet up again soon. Life is too short to throw friends away. Your DH getting involved in it is frankly quite weird however ......

Madwoman5 · 31/03/2017 23:08

Not all conversations go the way you want them to. That is life. Sometimes it is all about you and other times everyone else's life is discussed. That is not to say that this shouldn't make you feel left out to a degree. You need to don your big girl pants and get over this. Meet with friend, let her talk and see where it goes.

Underthemoonlight · 31/03/2017 23:08

I'm a mother of three DC I have a mixture of friends with DC and ones that don't. I don't sit there talking about them nor do I expect them to ask that goes for both sets of friends. You sound over the top and hard work. They already heard your conversation when they came in they didn't need to the contribute further you had dicussed her. If you want to talk about your dd maybe get friendly with parents who might suit your social circle. I'm gobsmacked your dh got involved instead of telling you to stop being silly.

Oddbins · 31/03/2017 23:09

When I'm with my friends I prefer it to be about us rather than my children. It's a chance to be me rather than a mum.

Yes they may get the overwhelming joy of being a parent with time

Equally you may also get the overwhelming sense of losing your identity as something other than a mother.

Sitting seething because the conversation didn't go as you want isn't the most positive way of acting.

buttercup54321 · 31/03/2017 23:09

other peoples kids are very boring and you are being precious and need to get a grip.

theclick · 31/03/2017 23:11

Honestly, I think you need to get over yourself (and DD)

Do you tend to go on about her a lot once asked? Do you post annoying facebook stuff about her? It sounds like they have ignored the topic for a reason.

cordeliavorkosigan · 31/03/2017 23:11

To me it seems more that they didn't ask about you than not asking about dd. Many people without babies wouldn't know how to make conversation about them (I didn't) but it's a bit off not to ask you anything about yourself.
I think your dh was over the top; who wants to manage their spouse's social interactions around babies? And surely your friends felt defensive. It does sound like they were being pretty self-involved.
Were they like that before you had dd?

User543210 · 31/03/2017 23:11

The way you've gone on so much I guess they're afraid that if they ask about your DD that you won't shut up so they're avoiding the topic all together.

Wolfiefan · 31/03/2017 23:12

Your life revolves round your child. Fine.
Theirs doesn't. Sorry. They're just not interested. Not a big deal unless you make it one.

MadamePomfrey · 31/03/2017 23:13

Personally I would have given the benefit of the doubt this once, maybe they felt the beginning conversation answered all their questions, I know you feel they weren't involved but maybe they saw it differently. Now the whole things sounds so awkward your dh told her dh c told d it's like high school!! And everything seems worse because it's going through 2 or 3 different people! They don't sound like they were purposefully mean to me! I think you and your dh have overreacted and handled it badly if you want to keep the friendships I would try an offer an olive branch to them! If it becomes repeated behaviour they ignore big events in your life then by all means move on.

2014newme · 31/03/2017 23:15

He said, she said blah blah. Who gets the world and his wife involved? You got your dh to tell them you were pissed off? Grow up!
They should have asked about your baby but you've dealt with this all wrong.

1AnnoyingOrange · 31/03/2017 23:16

If you don't have children, it is hard to know what to ask.

I love babies/children and I have had babies but I find it hard with people I dont see often. Maybe I am just socially awkward.

Does the baby have any interests?
Is the baby "good"?
Seriously, what do you ask in a group setting?
Is motherhood everything you hoped it would be?
Are you breastfeeding?

For friends with older children I never know what to ask, it all sounds a bit like a judgement.

me - Does your son do much sport?
person with older dc - No he doesnt really like sport
me feeling awkward

me - are they getting on well at school?
tip - only ask this if they are getting on well at school.

In a group setting I wouldn't have even noticed if no-one asked me about the DC. I try and think of one amusing anecdote and say they are fine, unless the person really really wants to know (and these are usually family).

You shouldnt have involved your DH.

You should have taken the olive branch.

It sounds like you have changed after having a baby, which is fine, but they didnt have the baby.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/03/2017 23:17

I understand why you're upset. It's not that you want to talk about babies specifically, you wanted your friends to show an interest in your life. And babies are hugely life changing.

If you weren't a parent but had just got a dream job you'd worked towards for years, it would also be gutting if your friends showed zero interest in that and asked no questions.

But it's a good idea to let go of your anger, meet up and let them know you understand it might be hard for them to identify with your life right now and all you need is to know they're interested in you, their friend.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2017 23:19

Yes other peoples babies are boring but you know what?

Anti Baby Bores are fucking boring too! And rude.

Just because they dont want them doesnt mean that its ok for them to act as if their good friends children dont exist. I had (note "had") a friend like this. She was very anti children and rude about it. Fine for her to not want kids but she was horrible about anyone elses children. She eventually stopped seeing me and a couple of others after she made some snarky comment about us talking about our children (one had been ill and we asked after him) and another friend (not the sick childs mother) said how boring it was that baby hater couldnt talk about anything other than handbags and holidays. And yes she could have children if she wanted them but had that shitty "omg, fucking kids everywhere" attitude if there was anyone under the age of 30 wherever we went. Silly cow.

No need to be rude and not mention your child at all, especially when you made sure you talked about their lives. YANBU

LapsedPacifist · 31/03/2017 23:22

YABU, a bit. By the time my DS was 7 months old I would have chewed off my own foot for the opportunity to have a 'baby-free-zone' meet-up with the girls.Your child-free mates have no idea what your life is like now, can't possibly be expected to understand what you're talking about and frankly, a 5 minute update is all you can expect to inflict on share with them before they glaze over, unless they choose to draw you out and engage with you.

cherish123 · 31/03/2017 23:23

Your husband is an idiot. This is really thoughtless of him and I would be really pissed off with him for this.

GabsAlot · 31/03/2017 23:25

people without dc tend not to talk about others dc's -i know i am one

but i always enquire how they are out of politeness

your dh sholdnt have got involved though its just made things worse

PaulAnkaTheDog · 31/03/2017 23:28

Fuuuuuuuucking hell.

That's all.

alicemalice · 31/03/2017 23:30

Massive overreaction and your DH has made it ten times worse.

RedheadLover · 31/03/2017 23:32

It seems the consensus is that YABU and I'm afraid I have to agree.

SpareASquare · 31/03/2017 23:33

I'm still trying to process your DH involving himself that way. Who does that? Makes me think you must be hard work.

No, I don't think they were being 'mean'

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