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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's finally happened...

142 replies

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 09:00

DTD1 has been invited to a birthday party, and DTD2 hasn't. They're 8.

In their old (very small) school they were in the same class and had the same friends, so got invited to the same parties. Now, in their new school, they're in separate classes with different friends, so one has been invited to a party and the other not. DTD2 has mild ASD and is finding it very hard to understand why she can't go as well.

On one hand I think she needs to learn that she won't always be invited to the same parties as her DSis, but WIBU to ask the mom whether DTD2 can attend as well, if I pay for it. It's a roller skating party (which makes her even more sad as she loves skating) at a sports centre, so one more DC probably won't make a difference.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Lingotria · 27/03/2017 09:04

You were being unreasonable. At 8 she has got to learn that she won't be invited to everything her sister is (and vice versa) but you know that. Why can't you take her skating yourself while your other dd is at the party?

Bonez · 27/03/2017 09:04

I'd find it cheeky. They are not friends. It's obviously not ideal but only 1 of your children are invited to this party. If you ask if your other daughter can come as well what about everyone else who also have more than one child?

MarsInScorpio · 27/03/2017 09:05

DTD?

Diel · 27/03/2017 09:05

I think I would explain that sometimes they will do different things as this may well be the first of many. Do something nice with dt2 instead :)

CookieLady · 27/03/2017 09:06

Don't ask if she can go. It's rude. Why don't you take her skating or do something else at that time.

DermotOLogical · 27/03/2017 09:06

Yabu

They are old enough to understand both of them can't do everything. I'm surprised you have got to 8 without this being an issue tbh.

PetalMettle · 27/03/2017 09:07

Yes it would bu. Birthday child has right to have whoever they want at their party. And what @bonez said.
I think the suggestion to take Lee staking yourself is goid

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 27/03/2017 09:07

mars dear twin daughter

MarsInScorpio · 27/03/2017 09:07

Ah, dear twin daughter...

Yes, you're being unreasonable and I think it would be a little rude and putting the other parent in a difficult position.

Use the time with your other son to have some nice one-on-one time. I bet that's quite a rarity with twins and she's enjoy it!

KitKat1985 · 27/03/2017 09:08

I think YABU sorry. I bet there will be loads of children going to the party whose siblings would have liked to have gone skating too, but have to deal with it. At 8 I think she needs to learn that her and her sister are going to develop different friendships and won't always get invited everywhere together. I can sympathise that it's hard though, especially if DTD2 has some ASD issues.

MrsGotobed · 27/03/2017 09:08

No you can't ask the party mum if DTD2 can go too.

Use the time to do something 1 to 1 with her instead. I'm sure she'll appreciate that.

MuddyMoose · 27/03/2017 09:08

MarsInScorpio DTD - Twin Daughters

IJustWantABrew · 27/03/2017 09:10

If your girls weren't twins and one was 5 the other 7 you wouldn't expect the party girl to invite the sibling, especially if they aren't friendly. Explain to the twin that isn't going that you can have mummy/daughter time and ask her what she would like to do for the day.

Original poster
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 09:10

Sorry, I didn't mean WAS I being unreasonable, I meant WOULD I be unreasonable. I haven't done anything yet, just discovered the invitation this morning in her backpack.

OP posts:
Rioja123 · 27/03/2017 09:10

Don't ask if she can attend too, if the child wanted her there she would have been invited!

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2017 09:12

You need to take control and explain to your daughter, not put the other parent in an awkward postion. She's eight and plenty old enough to understand she can't go. She will need to learn she can't go to everything her sister can and vice versa.

By doing what uou suggest you are setting a precedent, will you do the same for every party that comes up? So you need to manage it as a parent now, sit her down and explain it to her in no uncertain terms.

originalbiglymavis · 27/03/2017 09:14

Sorry it I agree. I think it's important for twins not to be treated as two side of the same coin. You probably wouldnt thin about asking if they werent twins and just sisters.

Try to explain and do something nice with her. It's not a big deal but just another life lesson. Better learn now that when she is a teen

Original poster
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 09:14

You're all right, of course Smile. I mostly knew it, but it was an idea that crossed my mind. They're with their dad over the weekend, so he'll have to take DD1 to the party - I'll leave him to deal with the fallout Grin.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 27/03/2017 09:16

If you do this then word will get around and people won't invite EITHER twin.

"Oh jeez, don't invite Lara," parents will say. "She'll call you up and ask to include Cara too because just one won't make a difference".
"Seriously?" the other parent draws a line through Lara's name. "I won't risk it then."

SallyInSweden · 27/03/2017 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 27/03/2017 09:18

It is hard, and not just for twins. It was hard explaining to ds2 why he couldn't go too once ds1 was in school and party invites were just for him. But it has to be done. Do something special (and different) with her during the party.

Original poster
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 09:19

I hadn't thought of that Rhi Shock. And they've only been at the school for 7 months. I get your point Smile.

OP posts:
pandarific · 27/03/2017 09:28

No, I think you need to be firm on this. They aren't her friends, and it's unfair on your other dd to not be able to have her own circle.

Laiste · 27/03/2017 09:45

Glad you've taken the point OP.

There were a pair of twins in DD3s primary who's mum insisted they did everything as one. DD3 was one of the twins friends for a while and it was a PITA having to negotiate play dates and parties with the family. I never encouraged the friendship along as the mum made it such a social minefield and it petered out eventually. I bet i wasn't the only one.

(in my defense with 3 DDs close in age plus work i hadn't time for complicated friendship dealings at primary age)

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2017 09:47

This is all part of them developing themselves as individual people Smile

It's going to be tough if they've been used to being in the same class, but asking for an invite would only be putting how to handle the situation off.

Perhaps her Dad could take her out for lunch or something, while her sister is at the party?

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