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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's finally happened...

142 replies

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 09:00

DTD1 has been invited to a birthday party, and DTD2 hasn't. They're 8.

In their old (very small) school they were in the same class and had the same friends, so got invited to the same parties. Now, in their new school, they're in separate classes with different friends, so one has been invited to a party and the other not. DTD2 has mild ASD and is finding it very hard to understand why she can't go as well.

On one hand I think she needs to learn that she won't always be invited to the same parties as her DSis, but WIBU to ask the mom whether DTD2 can attend as well, if I pay for it. It's a roller skating party (which makes her even more sad as she loves skating) at a sports centre, so one more DC probably won't make a difference.

WWYD?

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 27/03/2017 09:48

It's particularly important to ensure that twins have different lives and different friends of their own. This is a good opportunity. Do something fun with your daughter.

MiddlingMum · 27/03/2017 09:52

When this first happened with mine, I would invite a friend of the one who wasn't going to the party to come round to play. After a couple of times it hardly seemed to matter to them. I liked the fact that parents and children were seeing mine as individuals and not as a unit.

MinesaLattecino · 27/03/2017 09:54

It's a good thing, honest. My DTs are only reception and I've been begging dropping heavy hints to other parents that it's absolutely fine to just invite one twin.

Laiste · 27/03/2017 09:57

When this first happened with mine, I would invite a friend of the one who wasn't going to the party to come round to play. After a couple of times it hardly seemed to matter to them.

Exactly. Just the same as when you've got kids close in age and one has a mate round to play or goes somewhere nice and the other/s haven't. You just jolly them along with something small they like such as a nice tea and get on with it. It's no big deal unless you make it one.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/03/2017 10:01

Rhi thats ridiculous and if any parents were talking about another parent like that I'd be bloody fuming. You know what, most twin mums go actively out of their way to smooth the way with other parents who don't know what they should do, and are pro-active in getting their twins treated as 2 individuals - much more so that most people do with siblings - because there are always people who don't have twins / are twins etc who think they know best!!

I am a twin (with a twin sister) and I also have twins OP, so know exactly where you are coming from. If they've been at a school for a long time (from 4 or 5-8 or thereabouts is a long time when you're 8!) where they've both been invited to everything, then completely understandable that this is a new experience and you're struggling to know how to deal with it. It is hard (in a way that other parents won't understand) to manage one being left out, and presumably you were given the choice about whether to have them in the same class or not and you separated them so they'd become slightly more independent. So I do agree that its a perfect opportunity to talk to them about it, explain how they'll have different sets out friends, and then ask their dad to do something extra special with her.

Original poster

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 10:18

Namechanged - we were actively discouraged from putting them in the same class. The head teacher more or less said it's school policy to separate twins. I do think this is a good thing, as it encourages independence, especially for DTD2 who has ASD. It's helping her confidence, and not to rely on DTD1 for help.

I did try to explain this morning that they are going to be invited to different parties, as they have different friends, but with her ASD such things are very very hard for her to understand.

I hope their dad will do something nice with her, but wouldn't count on it, as he's a complete asshole. I just hope she doesn't spend the entire two hours crying .

OP posts:

namechangedtoday15 · 27/03/2017 10:27

Could you maybe plan something either before they go to their Dads or when they come home (a playdate, or something she gets to choose / pick). I know you'll have both girls but something where she takes the lead so she's getting something (or thinks she is!) if Dad is unlikely to help?

Grrr at schools - yes they can have an opinion but why any school thinks some sort of twin policy is appropriate is beyond me!! It should be down to the parents knowing how their children will be. We have 4 sets of twins in my DD2's year - 2 sets are together and 2 sets have been separated!!

Applebite · 27/03/2017 10:31

Sympathy, OP, this sounds hard for your DTD2, if she is struggling to understand. I think all you can do is to keep explaining to DTD2 why she can't go, and do something with her instead.

I must say that I am dreading DD reaching party minefield age, based on all the threads on here - I never even gave it a thought until I started reading AIBU!

paxillin · 27/03/2017 10:35

Rhi thats ridiculous and if any parents were talking about another parent like that I'd be bloody fuming.

People do though. I have known of the children that always come with sibling in tow before I ever invited them. I have also been told about the mum who will accompany her 7 year old on play dates uninvited and bring her toddler. It is natural to talk about things like that, they were not done in secret, why should anybody keep quiet about it?

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/03/2017 10:38

I would say though don't leave Dad to deal with the "fallout" as he might not get it like you clearly are now. Prepare DTD2 for not going.

Have the discussion with him about how one of his individual daughters is going to be at the party so could he do something special with his other individual daughter or could he invite DTD2's friend over to take them somewhere.

My friend used to relish the one to one time with each of hers when they went to other places alone.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/03/2017 10:39

Apple usually in reception and probably Year 1, I would say most children who have parties tend to invite a large group from the class, if not the whole class, and at 4 or 5, parents stay (you can't really drop and run as you can later on). So with twins, if you have them in separate classes (of 30 children), you potentially have 60 kids having parties in a 38 week school year (no-one really organises parties in the school hols as lots of people away). Besides the expense of present & card buying, there comes a point where your weekends are basically back to back parties!! Its hell

WhyOhWine · 27/03/2017 10:44

It is difficult. I have twin DNs and this started to happen to them aroudn the same age. If both DTs got a similar number of invitations it would be fine, but in DNs case one got far more invitations than the other so it was quite hard for the one never invited. Although the same thing can happen with siblings of different ages (i.e. that one is more "popular" than the other), it is much harder as a twin i think because it is a more direct contrast and the twin will tend to know the birthday child better than a different aged sibling would.
Nevertheless my sister accepted that it was not fair to ask for both twins to be invited and would just try to do something nice with the other twin.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/03/2017 10:45

It is natural to talk about things like that, they were not done in secret, why should anybody keep quiet about it?

Actually, its not natural to talk about another parent the way that Rhi suggested ("Jeez, don't invite X") or for another parent to not invite someone just because another mum has told you to ("Seriously? OK I won't risk it then").

Original poster

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 10:47

That's what I'm worried about Why. DTD1 is a social butterfly and very popular. DTD2 struggles socially because of her ASD and I'm worried she'll get invited to far fewer parties than her sister. But I guess that's a bridge I'll have to cross when I get to it.

OP posts:

caffelatte100 · 27/03/2017 10:53

It's a normal life lesson! and of course it's going to happen sooner or later. This will be really good for them. They are individuals and should do things alone. I am surprised you are not happy about it, I would be!

Starlight2345 · 27/03/2017 10:58

I think at some point the not getting to a invite to a party is something most parents deal with . The complication here is that your DDs are twins..However as you see the benefits for both of them been separate it is a good chance for DT that is invited to enjoy her friendships .Could you sent something like a colouring book to her Dad's ( or something similar she would like )so she has something to do while the other is at the party.

It will likely be the other way round in the future too.

1bighappyfamily · 27/03/2017 10:58

ChrisYoung to Rhi's point, I have cousins (now grown ups) who are twins and I remember as teenagers an instance where they weren't invited to a party as one was pals with a boy and one wasn't and the host didn't want to offend the one he wasn't friends with (but didn't want him there nonetheless!) so didn't invite the one he was friends with!!

Minefield it would seem. Hope DTD2 isn't too upset by it.

BagittoGo · 27/03/2017 11:01

Your child I'm sorry to say, has not been invited to the party because they don't want her there. Whatever the reason they really don't want her there. As a parent I'd say no you can't come as it's my child who chooses the invites and your child is not on my child's friend list.

deckchairday · 27/03/2017 11:01

Poor DD2, but it was going to happen sometime.
My DTs are much older now but the 'firsts' are always tricky; party, swimming a length, riding a bike unaided, sleepover. Steel yourself for GCSEs and A'levels

You really mustn't invite too, it's all part of life's lessons.
The idea of having a friend over is a good one.

ElsieMc · 27/03/2017 11:07

No, sorry your dd has to learn that her sister has friends separate and apart from her.

I have never forgotten a mother who lived nearby making a huge fuss because my dh invited her eldest dd (three years difference in age) to the pictures with our dd who were the same age. She said she had never, ever come across a situation where both girls were not included and had a full scale tantrum. If it wasn't for her poor dd's embarrassed faced I would have said that we wouldn't take either then.

Whilst you have in no way been so rude, just let your dd enjoy her party and not feel guilty.

ElsieMc · 27/03/2017 11:09

Sorry, that should have read - (three years difference in age between her girls).

CountessYgritte · 27/03/2017 11:09

It is hard and I think you are more sensitive about it because of the ASD. I understand as dc1 has SN and my radar for exclusion is so overly sensitive I have to be very aware of it.
I work at not reacting and learning to pause and look things more carefully as we have suffered high levels of exclusion and bullying. However you can only fight some battles.

Not saying that this is a battle by the way. Just empathising. Your girls need space and time away from each other. Possibly more do than if they were both NT. dc2 acts so differently without dc1 around, I am realising we need to split them up more.

This is normal and healthy situation. I know how you feel but learn to pause and reconsider. And save your strength for the fights you have to have along the way. xxxx

CountessYgritte · 27/03/2017 11:11

You know the fact she wasn't asked is positive I think. If I was the inviting parent and I was aware of her issues I would make sure she was also invited. Maybe people aren't aware and what you fear isn't actually an issue. 💐

Porpoiselife · 27/03/2017 11:12

You'd be U.

Massively.

1bighappyfamily · 27/03/2017 11:13

Bagitto my DD has a twin in her class, the other twin being in another class in the same year. Both lovely girls, but we've just invited the twin in her class...not because we don't want the other one, just because she's not in the class!

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