It's finally happened...

[ChrisYoungFuckingRocks]

DTD1 has been invited to a birthday party, and DTD2 hasn't. They're 8.

In their old (very small) school they were in the same class and had the same friends, so got invited to the same parties. Now, in their new school, they're in separate classes with different friends, so one has been invited to a party and the other not. DTD2 has mild ASD and is finding it very hard to understand why she can't go as well.

On one hand I think she needs to learn that she won't always be invited to the same parties as her DSis, but WIBU to ask the mom whether DTD2 can attend as well, if I pay for it. It's a roller skating party (which makes her even more sad as she loves skating) at a sports centre, so one more DC probably won't make a difference.

WWYD?

We have a few twins split between classes (parents' choice). At one party I invited half of 2 sets of twins (DD didn't really know the other twins at the time because they were in different classes). Both sets of twins turned up with no warning. Parent of one set actually said "Please excuse DT1 who is sulking because DT2 had been to a party on her own the week before and therefore doesn't want DT2 going to her friend's party" - I wanted to say "But DT2 isn't actually invited to this party" - I didn't - I scrabbled about and put together another party bag. DD is now friends with all of the twins and we would invite all to her party (so it may be that in future years, as classes change, that your DTs will be invited to some of the same parties). Out of interest, do any parents of opposite sex twins expect both to be invited to parties, or is it just the same sex ones?

Namechange in support of Rhi I have done exactly what she suggested (although I didn't discuss it with anyone but DH).

I'm also a twin Mum.

My DTs were having a party and DD invited X as one of her list. X is a twin but neither of my two like her brother so he wasn't invited.

Their Mum called asking if Y's invitation had got lost as he was keen to attend. I relented and extended the invitation to Y.

Y then spent the entire party being mean to my DD and several weeks after being rude to her about it (while saying to DS it was a great party )

As a result of his bullying of DD I won't have Y to another party of ours ever again. Clearly the Mother doesn't want them invited separately so therefore we won't ever invite X either.

It's a shame but it shows what can happen.

I've been encouraging people to invite my DC separately to parties and play dates since they were in nursery.

Hippee I think I just answered your question! I have boy/girl twins and the other twins in my post are also boy/girl.

I've never expected them both to be invited but clear some do.

CoolDadZL They're twins, sisters, siblings!!! Take DTD2 rolling skating, why wouldn't you...pay/feed separately....if she happens to get involved, so be it.....who gives a proverbial?? My DD (3yrs) gate-crashes loads of DD (6yrs) parties....we all go together.....without issue from anyone!!!

How INCREDIBLY rude. If your child went to school with mine, you can guarantee that I'd never invite your child to a party I was throwing due to YOUR over entitled behaviour. I also guarantee that the parents of the parties you crashed definitely do have an issue, but have been too polite and/or doormats to say so.

Things like this make me so grateful that the people we associate with are too polite and well mannered to try and foist uninvited siblings into parties/events.

OP, I see that the issue has been resolved, but I agree with the majority that it'd be incredibly unreasonable and rude to seek out an invite for the second child. She's not invited; she can't attend, end of story.

The invited child might actually be thrilled to get some time away from being one of "the twins" for a couple of hours, to do something fun that is just for her.

Emmy you are right both my DCs love having an afternoon of Mummy and Daddy's undivided attention occasionally.

I joined because I was incensed with Sparks and needed to see other experiences. Realise I'm too old for this site as have grandchildren (1 is just 22) . Staying for now in case anyone needs a perspective 30 years down the line. Need some help with your shorthand altho' managed PITA. Dictionary anywhere?

Scarlett I don't have a problem at all with anyone coming to their own conclusions about who to invite and not to invite. And yes, I wouldn't be inviting Y again after what you describe. But you've missed the point - Rhi's post was saying there would be gossip about the mother, and as a result of that gossip, the mum organising the party wouldn't invite X (in your example), because the mother would want to bring Y. That's what I thought was ridiculous - the gossip and excluding X (aswell as Y) as a result of that gossip. In your example, its the other mother's choice that X and Y can only come as a pair. In Rhi's example, the party mum wasn't inviting X (at all) because there was a chance that the mother would want to bring a sibling.

I never comment on here normally but as I have 7 year old twins daughters myself I thought I would! We came across this when they were 6 for the first time and actually dtd2 is off to a princess pamper party this Saturday and dtd1 is upset she can't go but she is having her own Princess pamper party (never did these when I was a kid 😕) with my mum as she loves my mum! She's ok with it! She's been to a party without her sister and like I've said just because you are twins you are not the same person and you need to expect this now! Just do something fun with her! They have got to learn xx

But namechange although you are quite rightly horrified by the thought of deliberately malicious gossip I don't think that's what Rhi intended to describe, nor what would happen in real life.

I was seriously pissed off about the whole situation with X & Y.

Y's behaviour really spoilt my DD's party for her.

Would I have been unreasonable if I'd vented about it to a friend? I don't think so.

I can well imagine that if that friend was later in a situation where twin invites were being discussed she might say:

"Scarlett always encourages people to invite Miss Freestone and Master Freestone separately but she was really annoyed that X's mother manouvered her into inviting Y to their last party, particularly as he was a little horror"

Suddenly 5 or 6 people at that coffee/lunch/night out know that not only does Mrs X&Y insist on both her twins being invited but that Y is a mean bully.

You are being naive if you think that's not how social life operates.

I know couples whose kid's bad behaviour has caused them to be dropped off dinner party invitations.

I know women who no longer get invited to parties because their husbands are irritating, drunken arses.

People discuss other people's bad behaviour (it's what we're all doing right now). If you insist both twins have to be invited to every party and play date word will get round and invitations will drop off.

Twins are not two halves of one person. They shouldn't be treated as a unit.

It might be cute or convenient to view things that way while they are little but it's damaging to them.

They aren't going to go through life as "the twins" always having identical matching social lives so it's a poor decision to allow them to think they should.

If twin one gets more invitations because they are more socially adept them shoehorning twin two into every event isn't going to help that child develop either the social skills or coping mechanisms required for later life.

I'm not saying that at all Scarlet. This was Rhi's post

Oh jeez, don't invite Lara," parents will say. "She'll call you up and ask to include Cara too because just one won't make a difference".
"Seriously?" the other parent draws a line through Lara's name. "I won't risk it then.

There was absolutely no mention of Lara and Cara being excluded because one of them was badly behaved. They're both excluded simply because there is a "risk" that their mum would ask Cara to come.

And I'm not naive, I just like to think that there would be a question about why or what the circumstances were. So the other parent would say "why? I don't really know L&C's mum - why does she always ask if C can come? is she on her own? Does her husband work shifts?" Thats all I'm saying. To just simply accept another parent gossiping about another parent is wrong, and then to exclude the child who your children wanted to invite on the back of that, is (as I said before) just mean. And actually, everyone saying to the OP you'll become known as the parent who always asks for an extra invitation is rude too - this is the first time its happened and the OP doesn't imply at all that she'd ask every time.

And absolutely twins have to learn some independence and they should be treated as individuals. As a twin and a twin mum, you don't have to tell me that

Fair enough namechange the problem is we are all judged on our past behaviour.

If you ask me for an invite for your other twin once I can be forgiven for assuming that's always your position. Therefore regardless of behaviour headcount limitations or the fact that the Birthday child doesn't like or know the other twin might mean both kids are left out in future.

It is rude to ask for additional invitations. I've politely said "yes of course" to additional siblings in the past but it's always a pain in the neck and always an additional cost.

Namechange I have stood at school gates for over 18 years and have heard conversations like Rhis hypothetical one. Word does get about and I have been staggered at some comments from some parents but as they were situations/conversations I was not involved in I chose not to get involved and make my own decisions. Sadly I have friends (late 50's) who when invited to things still bring their 30 yr old child with them, try that for awkward!!

Well Car, I'm fortunate that in almost 11 years at nursery / school gates with 3 children I've never heard a conversation with a blanket striking off of an invitee without question just on another mum's gossip and say so. I've heard (and been party to) conversations about Mum A or Dad B really struggling with logistics of a party mum/ dad is away / clashing commitments, but like I say, never heard anyone say 'yeah OK, definitely not inviting Cara because you told me to'

It's really common here that siblings come along and play alongside (parents pay) if it's a soft play or skating type party so it would be fine, doesn't seem the same everywhere though!

Glad you got it sorted

I have boy/girl DTs age 8, DS has ASD and always gets upset when he's not invited to things that DD is. He also hates it if she is invited to things that he thinks are with his friends - she's a bit of tomboy so has gone to several boys' parties (with him). I must admit when he was 5/6 we did gatecrash a couple of parties at a huge public softplay centre, where I paid and he didn't do the food bit (which he doesn't like anyway) but the Mums were kind enough to give him a party bag (I think if others didn't turn up). But he's nearly 9 now and has to learn the way of the world, even though it is really hard for ASD kids to understand. Sadly, life will only get more differentiated for them as they get older, and our DCs will have to live with that...... Breaks your heart, especially if they don't have friends like their twin, but you can't solve it by inviting them to things........

I know it's resolved itself. However this really is a natural stage. Siblings aren't usually plus ones at parties.