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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's finally happened...

142 replies

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 09:00

DTD1 has been invited to a birthday party, and DTD2 hasn't. They're 8.

In their old (very small) school they were in the same class and had the same friends, so got invited to the same parties. Now, in their new school, they're in separate classes with different friends, so one has been invited to a party and the other not. DTD2 has mild ASD and is finding it very hard to understand why she can't go as well.

On one hand I think she needs to learn that she won't always be invited to the same parties as her DSis, but WIBU to ask the mom whether DTD2 can attend as well, if I pay for it. It's a roller skating party (which makes her even more sad as she loves skating) at a sports centre, so one more DC probably won't make a difference.

WWYD?

OP posts:
KBM1 · 28/03/2017 19:07

Feel your pain. I have twin boys starting Reception in September and am dreading it. Also have an older child and to those that say it's the same as their younger or older siblings not being invited, it really isn't. You can easily explain away different years at school etc without a suggestion one is wanted / more popular and the other isn't. The bond and on the flip side the competition can be particularly intense. That said, they will have to learn and I definitely wouldn't ask if my other twin could join but I would organise a play date for the other twin or, if I had a very good friend with a child the same age, call in a favour and ask if they'd mind inviting mine out (on me). At least while each twin got used to not being invited everywhere.

FrenchLavender · 28/03/2017 19:14

On one hand I think she needs to learn that she won't always be invited to the same parties as her DSis, but WIBU to ask the mom whether DTD2 can attend as well, if I pay for it. It's a roller skating party (which makes her even more sad as she loves skating) at a sports centre, so one more DC probably won't make a difference.

I think this would be a huge mistake. It isn't fair on the girl who is having the party because your DTD2 will end up hanging around them the whole time, so it will be as if she was invited, which she wasn't.There will be an awkward point where they will all go off into the party room for food and cake and they will be faced with either turning your DD away or allowing her to gatecrash, which isn't a nice position to put them in.

I know it's tough but I think you are going to have to ride this one out. If you give in to her this time there will always be a next time, so she'll never learn.

deedeegee · 28/03/2017 19:51

YABU- separate classes- separate friends- separate identities- they are not part of a double act. Ex partner is an identical twin and said they were treated as a double act and he was sick to death of it throughout his childhood. Do something nice with other DTD when the party is on

Nannyplumupthebum · 28/03/2017 19:59

KBM1

Those that say the same as their younger or older siblings not being invited, it really isn't.

Actually it really is because in both cases the children are in different classes.

I have 3 DC in consecutive school years in a small single form entry school where everyone knows each other & classes mix at playtime. Because mine are all very close together they overlapped at Nursery and they have mutual friends. Nursery spanned two academic year age cohorts.

Sometimes invites have stipulated siblings welcome, other times not. So yes it is extremely similar & hard for the ones who aren't invited, especially when it's the youngest one. But thems the breaks.

namechangedtoday15 · 28/03/2017 20:09

^KBM1

Those that say the same as their younger or older siblings not being invited, it really isn't.

Actually it really is because in both cases the children are in different classes.^

No, it really isn't. Lots of people think it is (always the parents who don't have twins), but honestly (as I said upthread as a twin myself and as a parent of twins) siblings close in age is really not the same as same sex twins (I have 3 so I have twins and then also a sibling close in age to the twins).

With respect Nanny, at school there will be lots of things that just Reception (or Yr 1 or Yr 2) will do separately - the homework will be different, the school trips will be different, they will have started school at different times. They never had to share their birthday / their christening etc. None of that can be said for twins. Presumably your youngest child had time alone with you when the older 2 were at school or nursery, presumably your oldest started nursery / school alone whilst the younger two were still at home. So it really is completely different for twins. Yes, the problem of having a twin or sibling not invited to a party is a stressful time if you're stuck, but the OP's situation with twins is different than siblings close in age.

Nannyplumupthebum · 28/03/2017 20:35

OP has 2 children in 2 separate classes. 1 has been invited to a party, the other hasn't.

No different to when child in Year 2 and child in Year 1 get invited to parties over the same weekend and Reception child doesn't. Or no different to when 2 of them get invited to the same party and another one doesn't,

I had child in Year 1 tantruming for 24 hours because child in Year 2 was going on an exciting school trip involving dress up, who couldn't get her head around the fact that she would go too - next year!

I also get regular tantrums on pick up when one child has sweeties etc because it's a class birthday.

At that age, when they aren't all treated identically they see it as a massive injustice. And sometimes I do worry because DD7 in Year 2, is less sociable & gets fewer invitations than the siblings. But I don't ask for invites for the missed out child when 2 get a party invite and not the 3rd because it's taking the mickey and the kids have to learn to deal with it. Trust me 3 kids 16-17 months apart is as challenging in its way as twins. Not the same before everyone piles on, but at one point I was tandem feeding and had 3 in nappies, plus the middle one is the tallest so strangers often mistake them.

I understand the OP but just offering a POV from a different but v similar perspective. Lots of children close in age has tough challenges including the logistics of parties.

namechangedtoday15 · 28/03/2017 20:43

Nanny I understand what you're trying to say, but it really isn't the same. They've only been in separate classes for 7 months - so for 7.5 years, they've been together no doubt pretty much 100% of the time, and have so far always been invited to the same parties (not parties at the same time, actually the same parties). It is really completely different to siblings close in age who have always had at least some degree of separation / had independence to certain levels throughout their lives. This specific issue really is peculiar to twins.

But yes, siblings close is age brings its own challenges - and yep, absolutely, I think children 16 months apart are probably tougher than twins in lots of ways.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 28/03/2017 20:52

YABU.
You don't get to choose what parties you get invited to and that's life. Sure, her autism can make it hard to understand this concept but your enabling parenting doesn't allow her to opportunity to understand this m

gribak · 28/03/2017 20:54

I agree with most - rude to ask, even if you are paying. That's not the point - my friends with twins in different classes would never expect both to be invited. Also it sets a precedent - do you then really want to have to try and wangle an invite for every party going forward? When does it stop?

pollymere · 28/03/2017 21:20

You could "just check" that the second twin wasn't invited "as they're always losing invites and letters". It could be a genuine oversight. This would also give them the opportunity to invite the other twin, or politely say "no it's just a few of x friends, I hope that's ok" to which you can politely say "no that's fine, twin 1 can make it but I just wanted to make sure." Or let them know Twin 1 can come and enjoy the time with Twin 2.

CoolDadZL · 28/03/2017 21:32

They're twins, sisters, siblings!!! Take DTD2 rolling skating, why wouldn't you...pay/feed separately....if she happens to get involved, so be it.....who gives a proverbial??
My DD (3yrs) gate-crashes loads of DD (6yrs) parties....we all go together.....without issue from anyone!!!

FeeLock28 · 28/03/2017 21:40

Always a tough one (I have twins, B&G but similar issues). Part & parcel of their growth as individuals is accepting not only that they have different friends, but that this is okay. After the first time it's generally okay. I made sure I took the other one out for a day - couldn't party as we couldn't afford it - but it was a special day nonetheless.

Original poster
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 22:41

No different to when child in Year 2 and child in Year 1 get invited to parties over the same weekend and Reception child doesn't.

It is different though Nanny. There may be two classes in Y4, but they're all the same age, they do PE together, go on school trips together, sit together during lunch etc, so a lot of the DC have friends in the other class. It's not like two separate year groups where they're not really friends or play together at break time.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 22:43

This specific issue really is peculiar to twins.

Exactly Name.

OP posts:
LipstickForADogwalk · 28/03/2017 22:45

I have identical twin boys (now 10) and dt2 has ASD. Dt1 is very sociable and has lots of friends at school but doesn't get invited to anything either, I think people feel awkward at not inviting both so invite neither. Happy to hear the issue is now a non-issue, OP, but I hate to say it doesn't get easier when you're dealing with twins and ASD!

Original poster
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 22:49

Too right Lipstick. Had another tantrum today though, because DTD2 had actually gone up to the boy who's party it is, and asked him if she could come as well. He said sure, of course you can! The mother probably didn't have a clue lol.

She had then accepted that she would also be going, and I then had to break the news that neither of them could go, so I had two sulky girls. Sigh.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2017 22:56

No it's rude and cheeky, I am saying this as a mum with a daughter who has ASD. Time to explain to her tgat it's her twins friend that has invited her, she can't go to every party. Do something nice that day with her..my son 5 gets invited to parties, and I have to explain to dd 10, that she cannot go too.

Nannyplumupthebum · 28/03/2017 23:11

I think it is the same TBF as DD2 was in Nursery with DD3, then DD4 was in Nursery with DD3.

Most of DD2's best friends are sadly in her younger sister's class.

At their school they are only segregated for academic lessons, but do swimming and ballet together and also they don't sit in Year groups for lunch but have tables with a spread of kids from Reception to Year 6.

So the separation is less, although I admit that your DTDs will have been together a lot more of the time although my DD2 and DD3 are inseparable, they play together as playtime and often have to be separated at things. So it does feel very similar to twins. Especially when DD2 gets invited to some, but not all of DD3's class parties and likewise. DD3 gets invited to both DD2 & DD4's parties because she is incredibly sunny-natured and gregarious.

I have a fun one on Easter Monday whereby DD3 and younger siblings have been invited to an Egg Hunt party meaning DD4 and DS1 (who is 2) but DD2 can't go although she was invited last year! Grin

RubyBluesey · 28/03/2017 23:19

Come on.... there are worse things in life. She has to get used to it

Loreleigh · 28/03/2017 23:29

As she is 8, I would explain that even though she is a twin, both twins need to be individuals and will be treated as such by others. She needs to learn to develop own friendships, relationships, interests/hobbies etc, to do some activities that may be different from the other twin . In life this will include things only one of them will be invited to, there will be times where one is better at something than the other, or is called on to be part of something like, for example, a sports team, music group, academic advancement. Encourage both to explore their individuality and to accept life's lessons, be pleased for each other rather than jealous etc. I agree with other posters that you should not embarrass yourself or the birthday child by trying to wrangle an invite for the non-invited twin - if the kid had wanted to invite her she would've - leave it well alone and remind her there will be times it is her twin who will not be invited to her friend's parties.

TheNoodlesIncident · 28/03/2017 23:37

The difficulty increases exponentially because of DT2's ASD. It really makes it so much harder to explain about the social norms as they just don't get it. I'm sure she is going to be puzzled if you explain that you can't just ask for invitations to parties, no matter how much you want to go, if you haven't been invited.

It does make sense to separate them often and do things with just one child, so they get used to going to different places and experiencing different things. But you probably know all this already OP, you are not new to having twins...

Italiangreyhound · 28/03/2017 23:54

Glad you can see the issue OP. It's a normal thing for twins to learn they are not the same and don't do all the same things, even if it is hard.

Can I suggest you either get your ex to do something special with DTD2 or maybe ask if you can take both girls for a couple of hours, take DTD1 to party. Take DTD2 to some sort of fabulous fun, pamper, milkshake drinking, cookie eating whatever her thing is mum and daughter time.

juliecorrigan · 29/03/2017 00:02

You are not actually being unreasonable, just a caring mum. However, everyone is right in saying it's not on. It will be hard to explain the first few times but they are not babies and will soon catch on. It's a part of growing up.

FrayedHem · 29/03/2017 00:33

For DS2's party last year, I didn't find out til after we'd had a decline that the child was a twin (the other twin was in a different class and the classes were mixed year groups and DS2 was a year above). I was really embarrassed, I had no idea and would have invited both had I known. DS2 knew but hadn't thought to mention it. (That wasn't the reason given for the decline btw, the child had a prior commitment).

multivac · 29/03/2017 00:44

This first happened when our twins were four, and at nursery (separate keyworkers). I was delighted - and we planned a lovely, 'all about you' time for the non-invited twin while the party was on.