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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's finally happened...

142 replies

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 09:00

DTD1 has been invited to a birthday party, and DTD2 hasn't. They're 8.

In their old (very small) school they were in the same class and had the same friends, so got invited to the same parties. Now, in their new school, they're in separate classes with different friends, so one has been invited to a party and the other not. DTD2 has mild ASD and is finding it very hard to understand why she can't go as well.

On one hand I think she needs to learn that she won't always be invited to the same parties as her DSis, but WIBU to ask the mom whether DTD2 can attend as well, if I pay for it. It's a roller skating party (which makes her even more sad as she loves skating) at a sports centre, so one more DC probably won't make a difference.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Whosafraidofabigduckfart · 27/03/2017 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/03/2017 18:03

Rhi I called one post of yours ridiculous because I don't think your hypothetical conversation is realistic - as I said, if I heard anyone talking about other parents like the way you'd phrased it, I'd think it was highly disrespectful and I don't think any mum organising a party would take another mum's gossip to heart and not "risk" inviting a twin as a result. Its mean and its nasty and in real life, wouldn't happen. Maybe I'm naïve but as another poster says, most people in real life are kinder and more understanding and respectful than that.

Witchend · 27/03/2017 18:10

The other thing OP you say It's a roller skating party (which makes her even more sad as she loves skating) at a sports centre, so one more DC probably won't make a difference.

Dd2 had one of those. It would have made a difference because they charged a reasonable price for up to 12 (I think around £7 a head, food on top) but each extra was about £12 more plus food. They provided more helpers for more than 12, so it was fair enough to charge more.
They'd then be the extra party bag-and the extra charge per head of food (£3 if I remember rightly)

But also because of the limit we'd said to dd2 that she had to choose 11 people to invite as we weren't going over the limit, so she hadn't invited a couple she would have liked to, so I'd have found it very awkward from that side alone.

I think what's particularly worrying you is that is it always going to be dtd1 invited. Would you have even wondered about asking if it was dtd2 invited?
Unfortunately you may well be right-but in any two forms you may get one form that tends to do bigger parties etc. Dd1 got invited to way more parties than dd2-who is much more sociable. Just the way it works out.

It's possible you'll turn up and they'll say "do stay" to dtd2-I've done that when I've had illness on the day, invited siblings on drop off. But don't resent it if they don't, it's their choice and doing it for one, may lay them open to another 5 expecting it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/03/2017 18:19

Take this opportunity to have special time with DTD2, I know it's hard, but they are individuals, and she has to learn.

paxillin · 27/03/2017 18:30

namechangedtoday15 I know that people do talk like that. We have a couple of kids in the year group who always have to bring siblings, news like this spreads very quickly.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/03/2017 19:15

pax well that's quite sad. Thankfully I've never overheard anything so mean - excluding a child just because their parent might need to bring a sibling is awful.

paxillin · 27/03/2017 19:20

I don't think it is. The sibling might take up a £15 place whilst birthday child had to decide which of her friends to exclude if numbers are limited. It would be unkind to then hand it to a (to the birthday child) random kid. Or, as bad, mum feels railroaded into saying yes and pays an extra ticket she can really not afford.

Twinchaos1 · 27/03/2017 19:22

It is hard, we had a phase when dd had several party invites and ds had none. We made sure we did something nice with ds during the party time so he didn't feel he had missed out. Although they are twins they are their own people too. I did feel bad for DS tho.

Msqueen33 · 27/03/2017 19:22

Two of my dds have asd. Middle dd is 7. Sometimes her older 8 year old sister goes to parties that she doesn't and we have to explain why. Unfortunately that's life and they will have to get use to it. Despite the asd the twins are individuals.

CaseyAtTheBat · 27/03/2017 19:29

Rhi thats ridiculous and if any parents were talking about another parent like that I'd be bloody fuming

Why? It's factual, and its something that would be good to know. If it was something the twins mother made a habit of doing, everyone would soon know anyway, no reason other parents can't talk about another parents behavior, when it affects them.

m0therofdragons · 27/03/2017 19:30

I have 5yo dds. Occasionally they get invited individually as they're in different classes and i love it as I get 1:1 time with one dtd and then the other gets a party. I'm amazed at 8 this is an issue. I guess I've always been keen on them being individuals. I think it's really important as I knew an extreme case of a teen twin being on antidepressants as she had never coped alone and secondary school split them. The other twin excelled. It was hard to watch and I think unusual but made me very keen to ensure individual confidence and non-reliance on each other.
I was called last week by a dad who'd invited dtd1 to a party which is accepted but the next day he called apologising as he hadn't realised she had a twin. I said I would never assume both get invited but he insisted I bring both, which was lovely but I'd never ask.

Original poster
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 20:10

I'm amazed at 8 this is an issue. I guess I've always been keen on them being individuals.

Mother, they absolutely are individuals Smile. The thing is, we lived in a very small village with under 30 kids in every year group (one year only had 11 kids!). So they shared friends, they shared birthday parties etc - there was no other choice. Now that they're in a much bigger school with more than one class per year, it's the first time I've had to face this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 20:12

I've just confirmed that DD1 will be going to the party and asked about a gift. The mom said just to stick a fiver in a card, as he's saving up to buy himself something. So at least that's one worry out of the way - I don't have a clue about buying for boys that age!

OP posts:
AshesandDust · 27/03/2017 20:22

Don't get hung up about it, you're not asking
for much and you're willing to pay. In my opinion it's not
a biggie - it's awful for littles ones to feel left out. Just ask, OP.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/03/2017 20:56

pax and Casey but its not factual is it? In Rhi's post, in answer to the OP, noone knows what the circumstances are. Could be a whole host of reasons why a mum wants to bring 2 children - single mum, other parent working and no child care etc. Rhi's post was akin to Mum A has a guest list of kids A's daughter wants to invite. She reels off the list to Mum B who quite disrespectfully says Jeez, no way, not Girl 1 (even though shes presumably a friend of A's daughter), her mum always tries to bring a sibling. So Mum A without asking why, without knowing any details of why she wants to bring a sibling automatically excludes Girl 1 from the party - "doesn't want to risk it" - risk being not a definite, just a possibility. So Girl 1 doesn't get an invitation, even though presumably all her group of friends still get invited, just because Mum A doesn't want to risk feeling awkward if, and its only an if, Girl 1's mum asks to bring a sibling (to which she could just reply - really sorry but no, numbers are limited and we're already at the max, or say, really sorry, we've already invited the max of 10 but its open to the public so you can pay on the door).

Which bit of that isn't mean?

Original poster
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 21:07

Oh well, the problem has just been resolved anyway. The cub leader has quite firmly informed us that we signed up for the DDs to attend all the rehearsals, and Saturday is a crucial dress rehearsal in the actual theatre. She says it's our choice, but made it quite clear that it will be frowned upon if DD1 isn't there. So it looks like she won't be going Sad.

Thanks for your input anyway, and for the lively discussion Wink.

OP posts:
namechangedtoday15 · 27/03/2017 21:22

Oh no!! At least you've had (lively!) input for next time!

Original poster
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 21:54

😜

OP posts:
biilbosmum · 28/03/2017 17:44

Yabu. As others have pointed out, children (even twins) have to learn. And why not turn it into a positive? Take the uninvited one out on a treat with mummy - to the park or for a swim of something. She'll probably think this is great because she's used to sharing your attention.

AtlantaGinandTonic · 28/03/2017 17:46

Perhaps this is why my DD has only been invited to one party this year (she's five). Parents must have clocked on that since I work weekends, DH would have to bring DD2 (one year old) along as well. Eurgh.

Craigie · 28/03/2017 18:19

YABU, you can't interfere in this.

cherish123 · 28/03/2017 18:27

If they are in different classes (which is best), this is normal and inevitable. You cannot dictate to the party host who attends. If you do this, you are merely fulfilling a sense of entitlement.

Nannyplumupthebum · 28/03/2017 18:34

3 of my D.C. are in consecutive years, Year 2, 1 and Reception.

Weekend parties are a nightmare and we still occasionally get tears & tantrums but it's one of life's lessons I am afraid.

I have come to realize that my mum did me no favours as a child by trying to sort everything out for me, right into my mid 20's. It's better for your DD to learn that she has to take the rough with the smooth, sooner rather than later, otherwise you're setting her up with an unhealthy dependence.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I understand where you are coming from but what happens next time there is a special party she isn't invited to?

Janey50 · 28/03/2017 18:45

Sorry OP but this would annoy me if it was my child's party. I did have this done to me when my DD was young,back in the late 80s and early 90's. A mum asked me if her younger child aged 3 could attend. I said as long as she was going to stay and keep an eye on her,as I would have enough to do with supervising ten 6 year olds. Funnily enough,she changed her mind after that. Grin

Nannyplumupthebum · 28/03/2017 18:56

Read the thread. Glad it's worked out OP. Smile

I can't wait until the party thing is over although DD13 still moans that she doesn't go to parties any more!