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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's finally happened...

142 replies

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 09:00

DTD1 has been invited to a birthday party, and DTD2 hasn't. They're 8.

In their old (very small) school they were in the same class and had the same friends, so got invited to the same parties. Now, in their new school, they're in separate classes with different friends, so one has been invited to a party and the other not. DTD2 has mild ASD and is finding it very hard to understand why she can't go as well.

On one hand I think she needs to learn that she won't always be invited to the same parties as her DSis, but WIBU to ask the mom whether DTD2 can attend as well, if I pay for it. It's a roller skating party (which makes her even more sad as she loves skating) at a sports centre, so one more DC probably won't make a difference.

WWYD?

OP posts:

cordeliavorkosigan · 27/03/2017 11:17

I've been asked if siblings can come and I don't mind at all, and I don't think it's rude, really - just a logistical question. Only rude if you expect it and you're going to be offended or throw a tantrum if the answer is no. I did ask once or twice (and once was very politely told no as they were at capacity) - no problem either at least as far as I know; maybe they think I have no manners now...
We tend to have parties at our house / communal garden and it is really not a problem to have siblings. They are usually DC that my DC know through school; never been a sibling no one knew. Well, once I guess, she was about 12 and just hung out with everyone. That time and others, people just turned up with the siblings on the day. I think it depends on your community and what people's assumptions are. Maybe feel it out with a few people in the network to get a sense of the defaults.

Abetes · 27/03/2017 11:25

I think that youwould be being unreasonable. It's a life lesson and they won't be invited to the same parties going forward. If word goes round that you expect an invitation for both rather than one, then you may well be limiting the invites for either child.

PandaPolar · 27/03/2017 11:30

Would Dad let DTD2 have a friend over or take them out to lunch?

DistanceCall · 27/03/2017 13:09

I'm worried she'll get invited to far fewer parties than her sister. But I guess that's a bridge I'll have to cross when I get to it.

You're crossing it already, OP.

Corneliusmurphy · 27/03/2017 13:19

It happens with my twins and as much as dts1 would like to assume he's invited too as why would he not be?? (That's him btw not me!) I wouldn't ask anymore than I would for my dd who's 14 months older - they're in separate classes with separate friends.
The flip side is sometimes they're both excluded as the other parent feels it's not fair to have only one but the birthday party child doesn't know or want the other.
On the other hand I know a mother of three who gets most aggrieved when only one of hers is invited anywhere and there's two years between each of the three. This is because she'll need to amuse the other two and 'it's not fair'

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 27/03/2017 13:27

I have almost exactly the same issue, except my twins are boys!

I would ask, only because the last party twin 1 was invited to, when I collected him, the parents were mortified and said twin 2 would have been welcome but they didn't know he was a twin! It was only because the teacher was there (she has a kid in the class). I did say it was really no bother and he no more expects it than I do, but where it's a big activity like that then no harm in asking? Be prepared for the answer to be no though.

Does she really want to go though? Surely she won't really know anyone other than her sister?

Snap8TheCat · 27/03/2017 13:34

We invited a girl from Dd's class for tea and the mum asked if the older sister could come too. Dd doesn't know her! She just wanted her little friend to come so I had to tactfully say no. I don't think I can bear to invite again as it was so awkward.

ShelaghTurner · 27/03/2017 13:39

In reception it's a little different I've found. There are three sets of twins in dd2's Year group and we invited both of two sets to her recent party (the third set she doesn't play with at all). I'd find it very cruel to split up 4 and 5yos. But by 8 I think they're old enough to take it on the chin, upsetting as it may be for them.

RhiWrites · 27/03/2017 13:54

Namechange, why are you calling my posts ridiculous? I was imagining what other parents would say to each other if the OP did ask for the other twin to be invited. It seemed highly plausible to me.

People do talk, this was pretty mild, you hear similar (and worse) on mumsnet. Just imagine Mum A asking Mum B if she thinks it would be okay to invite one twin and what Mum B would say of the OP had done as she was originally thinking.

It's not such a stretch is it?

waterrat · 27/03/2017 14:33

to go against the grain OP. I would be very sorry if a parent didn't ask me in this situation.

In real (ie. non mumsnet ) life - people are kind and understanding!

I would hate that a child would be left upset - your daughter is going to be left in tears and I would not want that as a fellow parent!

Just ask - I bet the other parent won't mind.

Original poster

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 16:41

Thanks all . Up 'till now I've thrown them a joint b/day party, rented a hall and invited more or less the whole class. I've never had a problem with siblings coming, as I paid for the hall, not per child. However, now that they're in separate classes I guess we'll have to invite only select friends, and not allow siblings either 60 screaming DC is a bit too much child for anyone Hmmm. Good to get others' perspective on things - I guess that's what MN is for.

Oh, and their dad won't get her to invite a friend, as it would be waaaayyyyyy too much hassle for him .

OP posts:

e1y1 · 27/03/2017 16:45

You would be being unreasonable.

As strange as it seems (and as hard as it can be), twins shouldn't be treated differently to normal siblings.

Also have you thought what would happen if DTD2 did go? Sure she'd love the event and have her sister with her, but effectively she would be with a bunch of people she doesn't know.

BakeOffBiscuits · 27/03/2017 16:55

I do think because they are in separate classes, it will be easier for you to explain and for your dd to understand.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 27/03/2017 16:56

Oh OP. Firstly, . It is heart-breaking to see them sad, and especially to look into the future and see that there's a possibility for more of this to come, especially if DTD1 is so sociable. Even if she did understand what was happening, that probably wouldn't take the sting out of it. As others have said though, whilst your heart is in the right place, even if you got her invited, it would be a bit of a cruel fiction, and not because she was actually genuinely invited. I think the suggestions of spending one-to-one time with her doing something special is wonderful and a real opportunity. Best of luck with helping DTD2 to understand.

HamNJam · 27/03/2017 16:57

I would (and have done with my twins) use this opportunity as "special DTD2 and Mummy / Daddy time". I would definitely do something that I wouldn't normally do with both kids. Spending one-to-one time is sometimes tricky when parenting twins, so cherish this opportunity for DTD2.

(And possibly change the contact weekend to ensure DTD2 has something "special" to do instead of focusing on the party...?)

WyfOfBathe · 27/03/2017 17:04

Could you get a little treat for DTD2 to take to her dad's house - just something small like a notebook or colouring book?

I agree with what other posters said about it possibly stopping either twin getting invited. This is what happened when I was at secondary school - twins with in separate classes, separate friendship groups, separate interests would always tag along to whatever the other was invited to, even at 13/14. This made it hard to do anything with the twin who I was friends with, because her twin (NT AFAIK, had her own friends) was a completely different character and didn't really fit in our group.

Whatsername17 · 27/03/2017 17:07

I'd use the time to do a special activity with just dt2.

Original poster

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 17:07

(And possibly change the contact weekend to ensure DTD2 has something "special" to do instead of focusing on the party...?)

He has them every weekend, but decided to take off for a while, so he hasn't seen them in three weeks. He'll not give up this weekend with them. I'll suggest he does something special with her, and who knows, he might even listen. hahahaahahahahahaha .

It is true though - it's so hard with twins to have one on one time. Perhaps I'll suggest to asshole the ex that I take one to the party and do something with the other one, and drop them back at his after.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 17:10

Oh, I've just realised the party is the same time as their Cubs Gang show rehearsal, so DTD2 can go to rehearsal while DTD1 is at the party.

OP posts:

danTDM · 27/03/2017 17:22

Chris, for what it's worth, I live in Spain and have one half of a twin in DD's class. It is absolutely expected that the other twin comes to parties. Same with siblings a few years apart. So, it was not an un reasonable thought

It does get on my nerves though. A class of 13 for a party turns into almost double, and then there are the parents...

VestalVirgin · 27/03/2017 17:27

That's what I'm worried about Why. DTD1 is a social butterfly and very popular. DTD2 struggles socially because of her ASD and I'm worried she'll get invited to far fewer parties than her sister. But I guess that's a bridge I'll have to cross when I get to it.

Ask her whether she really, really, wants to go to a party where she is not wanted.

I had next to no friends at school myself, but would never have wanted to go to a birthday party where no one likes me. Hell, I didn't even like to go to school for exactly the same reason!

Pretty sure your socially struggling daughter will understand this.

A pity she'll have to stay with her father, who you say is a complete asshole. If that's true, then I suppose she does have reason to envy her sister.

FumBluff1 · 27/03/2017 17:28

I would find it very cheeky of you to ask and would be uncomfortable saying no. Your daughter needs to learn, sorry

altiara · 27/03/2017 17:31

That's good news OP as for me the problem is now they're getting older, parties are smaller so the impact is on the birthday child having people they don't know or want at their party ruining the dynamic for them.

VestalVirgin · 27/03/2017 17:41

Bagitto my DD has a twin in her class, the other twin being in another class in the same year. Both lovely girls, but we've just invited the twin in her class...not because we don't want the other one, just because she's not in the class!

Why would you do this? If you want her at the party, you can invite her, if not then not. WTF has her being in the class to do with it?

TapOut · 27/03/2017 17:42

I was always fairly blunt with my DC when they weren't invited to parties and they seemed to be quite accepting when they weren't. I let them know it was ok to feel a bit dissapointed but that it was just one of those things.
Perhaps your DTD2 won't be as bothered as you think.

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