about my son at this playdate?

[deliverdaniel]

Genuinely don't know if I am being U and a bit precious out of worry for my kid so would appreciate some perspective.

DS is 6 and is quite shy and has a bit of a hard time socially. He has friends and is very sweet and kind, but is quite introverted and struggles a bit with the social side of things.

Over the weekend we organised a playdate with 3 other boys from his class in the park. I was keen to do it because I want to help/ encourage DS to make strong friendships etc and play with the other kids. (he had said these boys had been playing together at break etc.)

DS hates all kinds of ball sports- his problem I know, but he really doesn't like them and I am the same. When we arrived at the park the kids were playing happily for about half an hour, climbing trees/ swapping lego etc. Then one of the dads suggests a game of football. Obv fine. DS doesn't want to play, The other kids are so-so about it, and have to be persuaded . The dad keeps pushing it and pushing it until the other 3 join in. DS sits on the sidelines, doesn't play and feels very left out and upset. I try hard to encourage him to join in but he just doesn't want to so I don't force it. The dad can see that DS is left out on the sidelines but ignores it. This is fine- obv DS can't dictate what everyone else plays and has to learn that soemtimes you don't get to do what you want etc. But then when the boys start to get bored and want to play something else that DS would enjoy too, the dad keeps pushing and pushing them to play more football, even though to my mind this might be a good moment to encourage them to play something that DS can join in too, and that they would all enjoy? AIBU to think this is insensitive? Even if it is not the adults repsonsiblity to micromanage the kids, at the very least it would be kind not to deliberately push a game that leaves out one child. The dad pushed the football game for the entire playdate until it was time to go home, and later DS cried saying that he didn't have a chance to play with this friends. AIBU or is the dad? Thank you.

My DS (7) generally hates all sports (except swimming) as he's not very co-ordinated. Luckily his dad has zero interest in sport but is very good at organising adventure type games that DS and his pals love, thereby making DS a popular play date option!
Sadly, several of the other dads wouldn't have a clue what to do with their boys apart from kicking a ball so I'm not surprised that the dad resorted to playing football.
However, I think you need to intervene next time after a reasonable length of time and suggest another game that they can all play. Perhaps something based on Minecraft?

Bertram that is what we all want for our kids. A happy life. If your son enjoys something and fits on great. But it is 't true for all kids.

My DS has dyspraxia Bertrand. A bit of a 'kick about' would be his idea of hell.

Unfortunately the adult emphasis on football being a really good bonding thing for boys just excludes him further.

jigglytuff
Unfortunately the adult emphasis on football being a really good bonding thing for boys just excludes him further.

This exactly. If everyone has the 'well it's not our fault, that's just what boys like, we have to encourage everyone to like it' then we are hardly tryiing to change anything are we?

deliver My DS hates football and actually any sport so I totally get why your DS is not interested in playing football. I don't understand all the posts saying it's a great leveller and my child enjoys football. Not very helpful to you.

The dad was being very unreasonable by the way and a bit of an arse.

Right... Encouraging your son to like a sport or be at least somewhat decent at football may be smart. Sports in general and in many areas football (sometimes also cricket, rugby, basketball etc... kind of depends on where you live, of course) are a great socialiser.

Being the last one to get picked during line-up etc sucks (speaking from experience here... I like some sports but anything with a ball? Nooope)

Anyhow, if there's no way he'll like it then there's no way. Although of course maybe he'd like it more if he was good at it, but forcing it would definitely be wrong imo.

However, sports are important. Is there an other sport he may like?

Judo? Karate? Ballet? Cheer? Swimming? Running? Syncronised Swimming? Ice skating? Badmington? Tap?

Or what about an other group activity... like being in a choir? Being in a group like that is a great way to socialise, make friends, feel included etc (especially for somebody that may struggle a bit with it).

Plus, getting enough movement etc is really important.

However, the father was clearly being unreasonable.

Sometimes it's best to let children play amongst themselves without an adult inserting him or herself into what could be unstructured play...

I didn't expect anything of the kind! the boys were playing happily on their own and the adults were chatting

Exactly. The behaviour of the father sounds really childish and awful.

YANBU OP. Children of your son's age don't need directing by adults and if left alone usually find an imaginative and active game to play together.

My DS1 has no interest in football and has spent many a playtime without other boys to play with because all the other boys in his class were football mad. The upside of this is that he has some really close friendships with girls and is massively popular with them. It's not unusual for him to be the only boy at girl birthday parties. This weekend he's laser questing with 11 girls!

He does have close friends who are boys and he shares interests like computers and gaming with them. Now he and his classmates are older the difference between him and the other lads is how comfortable he is talking to girls and how he challenges other boys if they say derogatory things about girls. At the moment there are two or three girls competing for his attention because they see him as boyfriend material. His male friends are a bit envious.

Having no interest in football myself I am delighted that he excels at swimming and scuba diving instead. I get to sit on a balcony at the pool, drinking coffee, instead of standing next to a football pitch in all weathers.

Not liking football is a win-win situation for us!

The dad sounds like a moron. However your son sounds like he could've on the spectrum. Keep an eye on that. They need parenting slightly differently so it's good to know.

jessicafirsttimer what makes you say that? (I'm not being defensive here- just curious.) thanks

My ds also has dyspraxia and football has been absolutely fantastic for his gross motor skills.
I'm guessing that Jessica means the social difficulty you mentioned op coupled with lacking the flexibility to either join in with the game or do something else/ask one of the children to play with him as well as him being very upset as kids with asd often have difficulty regulating emotions over (relatively) minor things.
None of that means your 6 year old is on the spectrum though. There's a wide range of typical behaviour at that age.

I am surprised the other boys were polite enough to keep joining in if they really didn't want to. I know my six year old wouldn't (fine for a wee while but she wouldn't for long)
I suspect you had high hopes for the playdate helping your son be more sociable and make friends and are disappointed it didn't work out that way this time.

Keep trying there will be other play dates the thought was a good idea.

Also I think joining a club is really helpful for forming good friendships.

*when I say join a club I don't mean sports if he doesn't like it. Whatever the boy version of brownies is? Or some other activity he enjoys.

Sorry last point! Dad could have also been more sensitive too. Probably thoughtless more than anything.

When he was 6 my nephew hated ball games and in particular football, but now he's 9 and is absolutely obsessed. Children come to things in their own good time. Or they don't, like my son who has dyspraxia and justifiably at the age of 6 found football a real struggle. People like that dad are so insensitive and unaware. YANBU? If it ever happens again I'd step in sooner and suggest a more inclusive game. Those little exclusions can create an unhelpful narrative in a child's mind.

Sorry, I didn't mean YANBU? But a big positive YANBU!

Wow op - I wish your boy was at school with mine. Mine is 6 and doesn't like football at all and he gets really upset - almost all of the class play every day and he has nobody to
Play with and is terribly unhappy all due to football.
Parents are incredibly protective of football like it's the be all and end all and kids who don't play are very limited in friendship options.

He went to a multi sport party and they played football the whole time, mind did join in but then he got shouted st for missing the ball etc and was in tears again that night.
One of the parents actually told me that so MUST send him to football lessons.FO!
I'm actually visiting another school on 31st this month to move him as they have no ball games - leaving an outstanding school for a 'good' but his happiness is more important.
It's a national obsessions d I hate it.

My nephew hated football at this age. I think it was because he was very bad at it. His dad hated football, so he had never really learned how to kick a ball and play football. By 8 he was playing in the school football team and dreaming of doing it for a living.
Obviously don't force kids to play something, but I wonder if your hate of ball games means that he has not learned basic skills with balls?

Sports in general and in many areas football (sometimes also cricket, rugby, basketball etc... kind of depends on where you live, of course) are a great socialiser.

Only for people who like sports. If playing football makes you stressed and unhappy it isn't a good way to start a social life.

IamFriedSpam

Did you read the rest of my comment?

Anyhow, if there's no way he'll like it then there's no way. Although of course maybe he'd like it more if he was good at it, but forcing it would definitely be wrong imo.

However, sports are important. Is there an other sport he may like?

Judo? Karate? Ballet? Cheer? Swimming? Running? Syncronised Swimming? Ice skating? Badmington? Tap?

Or what about an other group activity... like being in a choir? Being in a group like that is a great way to socialise, make friends, feel included etc (especially for somebody that may struggle a bit with it).

Plus, getting enough movement etc is really important.

The dad - sounds like he was the kind of twat that tells boys to 'man up'.

The dad was rude. You don't go out of your way to play a game one child doesn't like, it's a basic playdate rule.

There is a lot of gender stereotyping going on here. Boys do not need to play football. I cannot imagine so many people saying that a girl should make more effort to play princesses, and that it would make her life easier

thanks all

1horatio yes- he likes swimming/ running around in the woods playing with sticks and forts etc/ climbing/ long walks/ ice skating

We haven't put him in any organised sports things partly because he doesn't want to, and partly becasue it is horrifically expensive here (minimum $100 per month, but usually more like $200) and it feels like a lot for something he wouldn't enjoy. also at this age I think he needs a lot of unstructured play time and he has quite long hours at school/ aftercare already and I think he needs some downtime to play lego/ imaginary games/ chill out/ read/ be with the family etc etc. but maybe the age is coming where I have to suck up the cost and find a physical activity for him to join.

38cody aw your poor boy. That must be horrid for him. Wish him and mine were at school together! Wishing him every happiness in his new school

38cody Ime all kids get ribbed for letting goals in, bad passes, missing the ball etc - even the really good ones. That's actually, strangely, another thing that has helped ds. He's become more resilient and will brush those comments off. We also talked about how even professionals miss penalties, open goals etc.