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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about my son at this playdate?

209 replies

deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 17:56

Genuinely don't know if I am being U and a bit precious out of worry for my kid so would appreciate some perspective.

DS is 6 and is quite shy and has a bit of a hard time socially. He has friends and is very sweet and kind, but is quite introverted and struggles a bit with the social side of things.

Over the weekend we organised a playdate with 3 other boys from his class in the park. I was keen to do it because I want to help/ encourage DS to make strong friendships etc and play with the other kids. (he had said these boys had been playing together at break etc.)

DS hates all kinds of ball sports- his problem I know, but he really doesn't like them and I am the same. When we arrived at the park the kids were playing happily for about half an hour, climbing trees/ swapping lego etc. Then one of the dads suggests a game of football. Obv fine. DS doesn't want to play, The other kids are so-so about it, and have to be persuaded . The dad keeps pushing it and pushing it until the other 3 join in. DS sits on the sidelines, doesn't play and feels very left out and upset. I try hard to encourage him to join in but he just doesn't want to so I don't force it. The dad can see that DS is left out on the sidelines but ignores it. This is fine- obv DS can't dictate what everyone else plays and has to learn that soemtimes you don't get to do what you want etc. But then when the boys start to get bored and want to play something else that DS would enjoy too, the dad keeps pushing and pushing them to play more football, even though to my mind this might be a good moment to encourage them to play something that DS can join in too, and that they would all enjoy? AIBU to think this is insensitive? Even if it is not the adults repsonsiblity to micromanage the kids, at the very least it would be kind not to deliberately push a game that leaves out one child. The dad pushed the football game for the entire playdate until it was time to go home, and later DS cried saying that he didn't have a chance to play with this friends. AIBU or is the dad? Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 21:45

aeroflot I guess I didn't want to break up a game they were all enjoying just so my child could do what he wanted. I think it's good/ necessary that DS learns that things don't all revolve around him. It was more later when the dad just kept going back to the football thing that I started to think it was a little bit much.

OP posts:

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 20/03/2017 21:49

There were definitely too many adults involved in this playdate!

A group of four 6 year olds (are they Y1 or Y2?) do not need helicoptering. Have the next playdate at your house- you can always venture out to the park- with no other parents and just let them play what they want.

Crumbs1 · 20/03/2017 21:59

Trouble is sports skills and confidence are cumulative, tend to be developed initially by fathers 'pushing' ball skills - be it rugby, football or cricket. Sports are important for children socially and to not be able to join in a game of football, cricket or rugby will be a significant disadvantage when friendship becomes less fickle as they go through primary. Will his father play football with just him? Instead of avoiding ball games maybe encourage him to play one to one scoring goals or just ball handling with an adult. Whilst you may not want to force the issue, his acceptance into most little boys peer groups may be football dependent in a couple of years.

Italiangreyhound · 20/03/2017 22:03

AIBU to think this is insensitive? NO youa re not. It was fucking stupid of the dad.

Next time, if it it happens again, I'd suggest a play date with one other child, and that way the boys can decide what to do and you can't play football with one so it would not be football.

I also think you OP need to be more assertive, I know it is hard and say loudly. "OK boys if you've finished football who wants to go on the XYZ"

Then speak to the dad quietly if necessary and say your son is being left out a bit and you think it is fair to do something different, doesn't he think that would be better for one not to be left out?

Encourage your don to be assertive, to ask one of the three reluctant boys to stop football and do something else.

Give him the confidence to do it.

mogonfoxnight team sports are really not fun for a lot of people and being forced to do them or left out is total crap. The dad purposely pursued what he wanted and ignored the children. Shit.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 20/03/2017 22:05

If it happens again play tag or hide and seek (honestly kids hide under slides and climbing frames). Take a frisbee also or even few bottles of bubbles.

JayneAusten · 20/03/2017 22:08

To be honest, it sounds a bit like you've let your dislike of ball sports (do you know you've mentioned that four times on this thread already?) influence your son.

My dad did this with my brother, because he himself was a bookish type and felt that ball sports were somehow beneath us. My brother used to walk around by himself at break whilst the other boys played football. I honestly believe his lifelong problem with making friends started with his unwillingness to muck in and kick a ball around. You don't have to be 'into' ball sports or football to play football. I have two left feet, am fat, and find anything to do with professional football tedious but if my nephews and sons start kicking a ball around and want me on a team I'll join in, because it's exercise and interaction and fun.

I get that it's not every child's cup of tea but whether it's a ball or lego or climbing a tree, you should be fostering a 'have a go' attitude in your son, not sympathising as he refuses to join in and then expect the other children not to do the thing he's refusing to join in with.

TheRealPooTroll · 20/03/2017 22:08

Slightly annoying that it was a dad pestering the other kids to play football (maybe he should invite some other dads along next time to play with) but it could equally be another kid so I'd concentrate on teaching some strategies for the future. He could have asked the other boys if they wanted to climb trees with him instead of played football. He could have found some other kids to climb trees with. He could have climbed trees by himself. He could have joined in the football. He could have negotiated a play football for a bit then climb trees for a bit kind of deal etc

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 22:12

therealpootroll yes agreed. He could have done any/all of those things and def coujld have handled it better. He's only 6 though and his emotions get the better of him. We are working on it. I guess my question was not did my 6 year old handle this brilliantly (obv he didn't) but was the dad also U ?

jayneausten I never tell my son that I don't like ball sports. I do encourage him to have a go. I've certainly NEVER suggested that balls sports are beneath him (my other son LOVES them and I give him loads of validation for this all the time)- but at the same time I don't want him to feel rubbish about himself or as though there is something wrong with him for not liking this type of thing. I think perhaps you are also letting your own/ your brother's experience colour your reading of what I have said?

OP posts:

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 20/03/2017 22:18

Maybe the dad should form a five a side team if he's that keen on bloody football.

YANBU.

msgrinch · 20/03/2017 22:19

So why didn't you say "ok seeing as you're all getting a bit footballed out why don't you do ..."

If the dad can rally them up to do something why couldn't the rest of you? That way no ones left out. Id just step in, thank the dad for playing with them all and suggest a new activity. Though all the boys my ds is friends with and at school with are football mad, however i would suggest something else after a while if one kid wasn't participating.

RumbleMum · 20/03/2017 22:19

Not much to add to the initial problem as PPs have said it all but just to add my DSs are exactly like yours about football (DS1 LOATHES it and DS2 loves it and is quite good despite only being three). I don't think it's especially constructive to push it harder than gentle encouragement because then you make it a big deal which isn't going to help at all with a child with confidence issues.

JayneAusten · 20/03/2017 22:23

I'm just saying - playing with a ball is going to form a big part of his social experience. You can either keep telling yourself it's fine because you don't like ball sports or you can find a way to help him enjoy it. Refusing to join in a game at 6 indicates a pretty strong previous prejudice that is surprising in a kid of that age.

Italiangreyhound · 20/03/2017 22:23

TheRealPooTroll "I'm not sure that getting everyone to play something different because your ds wanted to would have even been particularly helpful to your ds. It wouldn't happen on the playground..."

But the point is the other boys wanted to stop playing football and the dad kept it going, seemingly selfishly, for his own purposes.

I doubt he wanted to upset the OP's son, but I expect many parents would notice one child was not joining in and would not keep pushing an activity they could not all do (without being forced into).

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 20/03/2017 22:23

Goodness, this dad is getting a bashing for being (it seems) the only parent (including OP) who could be arsed to do anything at all with the boys. I am assuming football is his default. Where were you OP when it wasn't working out? Come up with any alternatives??

He doesn't sound a dick at all. A bit over keen to get involved , maybe? Maybe he was bored! Not sure he deserves hard time.

I can see a whole different thread on MN where everyone gives a man a hard time for letting women do all the childcare!

You said 'we organised a playdate' but I think you expected others to involve your DS and other adults to run around after the children accommodating all their different habits and preferences. He's not a nanny.

MadamePomfrey · 20/03/2017 22:23

But surely the dad isn't solely to blame is getting loads of flack for pestering the kids but how many parents were there? Why did no one give him a hint a say 'I think they have had enough for now!' Yeah he didn't see the big picture and got caught up in an activity he was enjoying a mistake yes but I don't see why no one said anything.

DorotheaBeale · 20/03/2017 22:24

his acceptance into most little boys peer groups may be football dependent in a couple of years. and several similar comments.

Isn't there some gender stereotyping going on here? Would people be saying a girl must be encouraged to develop an interest in dolls/fashion/makeup/pink sparkly stuff because her acceptance in her peer group may depend on it?

He could have negotiated a play football for a bit then climb trees for a bit kind of deal etc

From what the op says, the other boys were willing to play something else; it was the dad who kept intervening and wanting them to keep on with the football. It's asking a bit much of a six year old to 'negotiate' with an adult whom he presumably hardly knows.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 20/03/2017 22:27

It's like PPs and OP are Ofstedding* the dad... oh dear. He didn't differentiate and his game lacked a plenary.

*If that's a verb.

DorotheaBeale · 20/03/2017 22:27

Goodness, this dad is getting a bashing for being (it seems) the only parent (including OP) who could be arsed to do anything at all with the boys.

Why did anyone need to do anything with them? OP says they were playing quite happily on their own, choosing a variety of activities. Children don't need to be organised all the time.

JayneAusten · 20/03/2017 22:29

You can play that game if you want, but the statements about football remain true. There are a wider range of things that are socially open to girls. But tbh I'd be equally concerned and surprised if a 6 year old girl sat sulking on the sidelines and refused to kick a ball around. I wouldn't be looking for who to blame for her (his) self-imposed isolation.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 22:29

Ilikebeanswithketchup Really? The boys were doing fine entertaining themselves. I don't see why adults need to intervene unless they are strugging to amuse themselves? I didn't expect them to stop doing what they were doing.

Jayneausten Refusing to join in a game at 6 indicates a pretty strong previous prejudice that is surprising in a kid of that age.
My apologies if this is not the cas,e but that seems like quite a barbed comment- . It's not surprising at all IME. Lots of kids don't join in for all kinds of reasons. I try to encourage him to join in. I throw balls around in the garden with him, which he hates. What else do you suggest I do? I don't want to make this into a huge deal. I guess I could have got in there and played football with teh boys myself, but it didn't occur to me at the time, and I also had some stitches in my foot so wouldn't have worked this time (tho could try that another time I guess)

OP posts:

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 20/03/2017 22:29

Agreed Dorothea but that is somewhat OP's take on the situation .She seems to expect other parents to organise her DS in a way that is sensitive well paced and doesn't involve any intervention from her.

Sorry.

Italiangreyhound · 20/03/2017 22:29

ILikeBeansWithKetchup "Goodness, this dad is getting a bashing for being (it seems) the only parent who could be arsed to do anything at all with the boys."

They were in a park, surely they could play without being supervised!

Interesting that sympathy goes to the dad potentially being bored and not the six year old child being bored.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 20/03/2017 22:30

I also think you OP need to be more assertive, I know it is hard and say loudly. "OK boys if you've finished football who wants to go on the XYZ"

Christ, do people mollycoddle 6 year olds like this?

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 20/03/2017 22:30

deliver - you seem judgemental. The dad was trying to get involved. Many would criticise and carp if he didn't. He probably felt that he should.

Italiangreyhound · 20/03/2017 22:31

"She seems to expect other parents to organise her DS"

No, i recon she just wanted the kids to play and not have the dad force a game of football on them all. Not unreasonable at all.

Night night OP. All the best (my son doesn't much like football either, society is still ridiculously sexist to expect all boys to play ball games, I think).

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