about my son at this playdate?

[deliverdaniel]

Genuinely don't know if I am being U and a bit precious out of worry for my kid so would appreciate some perspective.

DS is 6 and is quite shy and has a bit of a hard time socially. He has friends and is very sweet and kind, but is quite introverted and struggles a bit with the social side of things.

Over the weekend we organised a playdate with 3 other boys from his class in the park. I was keen to do it because I want to help/ encourage DS to make strong friendships etc and play with the other kids. (he had said these boys had been playing together at break etc.)

DS hates all kinds of ball sports- his problem I know, but he really doesn't like them and I am the same. When we arrived at the park the kids were playing happily for about half an hour, climbing trees/ swapping lego etc. Then one of the dads suggests a game of football. Obv fine. DS doesn't want to play, The other kids are so-so about it, and have to be persuaded . The dad keeps pushing it and pushing it until the other 3 join in. DS sits on the sidelines, doesn't play and feels very left out and upset. I try hard to encourage him to join in but he just doesn't want to so I don't force it. The dad can see that DS is left out on the sidelines but ignores it. This is fine- obv DS can't dictate what everyone else plays and has to learn that soemtimes you don't get to do what you want etc. But then when the boys start to get bored and want to play something else that DS would enjoy too, the dad keeps pushing and pushing them to play more football, even though to my mind this might be a good moment to encourage them to play something that DS can join in too, and that they would all enjoy? AIBU to think this is insensitive? Even if it is not the adults repsonsiblity to micromanage the kids, at the very least it would be kind not to deliberately push a game that leaves out one child. The dad pushed the football game for the entire playdate until it was time to go home, and later DS cried saying that he didn't have a chance to play with this friends. AIBU or is the dad? Thank you.

Just be a tiny bit aware that your hatred of ball games isn't clouding your view.

There's years ahead of PE for your DS and I've very rarely seen one so adamant they hate it at 5yo.

I think this man is getting a really hard time. None of the other parents, nor OP, stepped in to say to this dad, 'oh, I think they've had enough of football, maybe try something else now'?
No. Not Op. or any other parent. We just criticise him later, for at least trying to keep them entertained. What input did you offer OP, at the time?

I also had a hatred of ball games, I was rubbish at them and the size of my primary school class was perfect for me to be the only girl not on the netball team . I was actually quite good at other sports I could do on my own but, surprise, surprise, we never did those at school and when we did it was assumed I would be rubbish at those too.

Some years later it turned out that I had a problem with my eyesight which made it very difficult for me to see where the ball was coming from accurately and it was no wonder I couldn't catch. But by then I had got the message that I was "rubbish at sport" and totally turned off.

It would be worth getting your son's eyes tested to check that isn't the reason he dislikes ball games.

The dad was being a prick to force football on them once it had run its course.

Neither of my DSs had any time for football but would join in for about 10 minutes before boredom struck and they would have been off doing something on their own. They wouldn't have just sat out and looked like they were sulking.

Or alternatively? How shall we put this? You arranged this? You? Phoned/text the other parents. So the onus is on you, as the arranger? Was it you who bought drinks and snacks?

And yet, you let this other man control the whole hour? You allowed your son, for the whole play fare, that you yourself had organised, to sit down miserable, with you and not participate?

And not once did you, or any of the other parents step in, to stop this.

Nor did you ....... say, suggest a drink break, or a snack break, to stop it.
Nor did you think, my actual ds, me being the one who organised this, isn't participating, at all. So what shall I do?

Boys boys come and have a snack. And then as they sit down, they all start playing with said lego figures and then when dad says come on boys let's play football again. You could have said actually no, look they are happy now......

Maybe your son needs to stand up for himself more. Maybe you do too.

All this, later, making out that dad is controlling and dominated the whole time, is a bit weak.
Why did you allow it? At the time?

his acceptance into most little boys peer groups may be football dependent in a couple of years

Again, this is bollocks. Boys & girls play many different games & sports. Generally, as you get older you gravitate towards those with similar interests. My ds7 is massively in to his mountain biking & running, so that is what we do after school & on weekends. We meet up with like minded families so he also plays with peers.
In school there are a few kids who play football but not all of them.

I can understand OP's frustration whilst not agreeing with her at all. She went to / organised a playdate , believing (naively!) that all the children would run off and occupy themselves while she sat and chatted. This, for whatever reasons, did not happen and instead she had to deal with a sulky and recalcitrant child, which is never fun.

Them's the breaks in parenthood. You can't control other parents' play styles.

If you looked disapproving at the time, OP, parents won't arrange things with you in future, and then your child may be the one who becomes isolated.

I have seen lots of parents in parks, pulling their hair out because things aren't going quite to plan. It never crossed my mind they were going home and criticising other parents for this. if it was teacher, or a coach, or a playleader - maybe. But not a parent.

Lots of people try to get children involved in sport : it doesn't always work out. I have seen boys looking for worms in the goalmouth at paid for football sessions before and had my own children screaming in swimming pools in my time. They generally find their own delights eventually , but it's a process.

The man was not a prick and we need to stop calling him names. That's just aggressive nonsense.

Plus, everything *Oblomov' said. If it bothered you that much, you could have created a solution without upsetting anyone.

Sorry deliver I fell asleep, busy day, as soon as the father kept pushing and pushing football, despite boys not wanting to play anymore, than you say, come on boys lets play......

Italiangreyhound team sports are really not fun for a lot of people and being forced to do them or left out is total crap. The dad purposely pursued what he wanted and ignored the children. Shit.

I am not sure why you aimed that comment at me. I didn't suggest that anyone be forced to do anything, and I suggested ways the OP could have assertively (not aggressively) stepped in if she thought the dad was overstepping the mark. I am not sure "shit" is justified?!

Having said that, in relation to "forcing", ball skills and getting used to the rough and tumble of team sports takes time to build up and if dc don't do it while this age (when it is usually quite gentle) they may never get the confidence to join in, and plenty of posters on mumsnet have commented that they wished their parents had pushed them a bit more. It isn't a matter of "force" more of working out why the child doesn't want to join in and then helping them with that skill - confidence or whatever it is. And a kickaround in a park is different from sending a dc off to football training every week or forcing them to go to matches. For lots of people, it is a form of stress relief, but you need to the basic skills to be able to do it.

Having said this, I have dc who are a similar age and enthusiastic about almost everything under the sun at the moment, from science to imaginary play to fishing to football, so I accept it is easier for us. Also I really would not have hesitated to go up to the dad and say "can we try something else - my ds is struggling to join in", because I am quite assertive, and if the OP didn't feel able to do that I do sympathise.

You also have overlooked the possibility that actually one of the boys hated whatever they were doing before but joined to be sociable.

We just criticise him later, for at least trying to keep them entertained.

But the kids were entertained. I could understand if they'd all been bored but from the sounds of it they were perfectly happy climbing trees etc. This dad decided though that they HAD to play football instead of what they were all happy doing before.

You also have overlooked the possibility that actually one of the boys hated whatever they were doing before but joined to be sociable.

It's a very weird thing to assume given they were all visibly enjoying themselves and none jumped at the chance to play football. I don't think anyone would mind if he organised a quick game of football but it's weird to insist they continue playing after they get bored particularly when you know for a fact that one child doesn't feel comfortable doing in.

I think in terms of forcing/encouraging DC to join in it really depends. Lots of kids will be nervous to join in but with some gentle encouragement they'll really get into it. (My DD would have never learned to swim without ALOT of encouragement and now she loves it and is safe around water).

On the other hand if there's a bigger block (not knowing how to interact when there's a big team) it may not be worth pushing them at this stage when they're likely to become overwhelmed and turned off even more.

Also it's absolutely fine for boys just not to like football (I'm sure no one would even comment if a girl didn't want to play football). There are plenty of ways to get exercise and you can go through your life perfectly happily without kicking a ball around a patch of grass!

I think it is the OP's filter/ construction of the narrative that the other boys weren't willing. It is only her son that sat it out in the end.

I think some need to RTFT. There were three, perhaps 4 , boys there. This may, in effect, make the whole football match thing a bit odder! But it also means it cannot possibly have been a full on competitive game. The mean had brought a ball with him. Yes, through his own blinkers he assumed 'all boys will want to play football' and stuffed up a bit .

I still think he was trying to entertain. If they didn't need to be entertained (does anyone really believe the harmonious tree climbing and lego swapping would have gone on for another 45 minutes!!?!) it just needed someone else to step up and say , as someone else said ' let's have snack time' or 'let's see what they boys want to do' but I don't buy the 'let's wait until they are bored and falling out and then - and only then- think of something to do'

I honestly can see a whole other AIBU : 'I came home from the park and all the parents sat on their arses expecting my kid to play nicely and entertain himself. Not even the man present tried to play football with them. AIBU to expect this?.'

Someone mentioned helicopter parenting, as ever. I don't think it is helicoptering to organise a kickabout. What would be helicoptering would be pandering to the child who didn't participate and (even though you are not his father) concerning yourself predominantly with the child (again - not yours) who appears not to want to join in.

There was a woman on another thread recently how complained that her DH wasn't entertaining her children but let them find their own entertainment and - again - he was called names. These men are parenting, unlike some awful examples we see on MN. It may not be in the way some of us 'want' but give them a break. he was not abusive, angry, unpleasant, and he did not stay detached and aloof. He'd no doubt be upset to know he caused upset.

There are plenty of solutions for OP on here - such as arranging a different playdate on her own terms or being less passive in future.

I don't think that anyone expects a 6 yo to have stellar social skills but I think you should be focusing on how to help your son, who you have said struggles socially, rather than whether a dad was being annoying. You can't change how other people behave and I bet he will come across a lot more difficult situations that the one you describe at school. Tbh I would have taken him home a lot before 45 minutes if he was just going to sit crying and not engage with anyrhing.

And I agree that what seemed like being pushy in the ops opinion sounds like the dad checking which boys still wanted to play. Obviously if it seemed like her son was about to cheer up and start playing something else with the other kids only for them to decide to go back to playing football then that would be irritating. But it's our job to teach our kids resilience and coping skills for when social situations don't present themselves easily imo.

No big deal OP. Just arrange more play dates soon, in different locations and with different kids and be more proactive and enthusiastic next time?

I think it sounds like Competititve Dad went into "show off" mode and wasn't thinking - so yes insensitive.

But it sounds like you could have done a lot more to rein him in, distract him, suggest having a chat with the other adults so that the kids got the chance to go and climb the trees or etc again.

Make sure all the parents drop and run next time thenyou can suggest what games the kids all play.

wow! some big assumptions going on here.

I never called him a dick, or suggested anything of the kind. I said it was totally fine (obviously) that he suggested the football, it was my son's problem that he didn't want to play, that my son didn't handle it well, that I repeatedly encouraged my son to play etc etc. It was only the fact that the dad kept pushing the football after everyone had drifted off and when DS was engaged again that I thought was insensitive (and in this case was more about a dad who rarely sees his kid pushing his own agenda on hte playdate, though admit this was not obvious from the OP) I never said a negative word at the time, and to suggest that no one will ever invite my son again because I was being sulky--- really? I was the one encouraging him to join, making sure the boys got a long game of football.

Then the people saying the opposite- htat I was negligent not to interrupt the game and suggest they all do something that my son enjoys instead. You really can't win.

And ffs. It's perfectly fine for a kid not to like football (this is American football btw- we live in the US) and to keep hammering on that he will never be able to make friends in the future etc etc because he doesn't like it is just ridiculous and, I believe perpetuating the problem. I know plenty of adult men who don't enjoy football and have full lives. I don't want my son to grow up feeling inadequate about this, or that this is a huge deal. I support him in what he enjoys. I encourage him to try football, and to have a go, in the same way I encourage him to try most things. We play football with him in the garden. His brother loves it. He continues to hate it. I never say a negative word about sports. AIBU really is crazy sometimes, what people read into what you have said.

I did wonder if it was American football. But it makes no difference.

To be fair to myself, I was clear that you did not call the man any names (Once you did but it was minor.). It is the other PPs, launching into that attack with glee who called him a dick, a douchebag, a a prick etc.

Not nice.

As I said, he may grow into the football thing but he doesn't have to an other PPs who suggested he wouldn't make friends because of this are plainly wrong.

However, the fact remains that you posted wondering 'whether' you were BU but then can't accept that some people think you are being unfairly judgemental.

And that rarely sees his kid is one HELL of a drip feed!

Iloveketchup Fair enough- you did say that. Yes it was an AIBU and I genuinely wanted to know. (btw I wouldn't read too much into the fact htat I posted an AIBU at all- I was bored and avoiding work and interested to know, rather than seeing this as some massive deal that I am still smarting about days later) But it started to seem as though people were reading their own agendas into this scenario (ie I am actively discouraging my kid from liking football because I personally dislike it/ I think it is 'beneath' me or that I expected other parents to organize my kids' playdates etc etc, none of which is true)

I think overall it is my DS's problem if he doesn't want to join in. But I also think that when dealing with 6 year olds, an adult/ parent should have some sensitivity to kids' feelings and social dynamics. I also think if this was a group of four adults it would be the same- the 'host' shouldn't continually push an activity that one of the guests is clearly not enjoying and should be a bit sensitive to that.

Ilikebeans yes sorry about the drip feed thing- I didn't think it was relevant to my question and shouldn't have mentioned it at all.

I think it is v relevant and now makes your concerns about the pushiness of the dad to dictate the agenda make a lot more sense!

Oh well!

Glad you aren't traumatised. You sound very caring so your boy will turn out just fine.