about my son at this playdate?

[deliverdaniel]

Genuinely don't know if I am being U and a bit precious out of worry for my kid so would appreciate some perspective.

DS is 6 and is quite shy and has a bit of a hard time socially. He has friends and is very sweet and kind, but is quite introverted and struggles a bit with the social side of things.

Over the weekend we organised a playdate with 3 other boys from his class in the park. I was keen to do it because I want to help/ encourage DS to make strong friendships etc and play with the other kids. (he had said these boys had been playing together at break etc.)

DS hates all kinds of ball sports- his problem I know, but he really doesn't like them and I am the same. When we arrived at the park the kids were playing happily for about half an hour, climbing trees/ swapping lego etc. Then one of the dads suggests a game of football. Obv fine. DS doesn't want to play, The other kids are so-so about it, and have to be persuaded . The dad keeps pushing it and pushing it until the other 3 join in. DS sits on the sidelines, doesn't play and feels very left out and upset. I try hard to encourage him to join in but he just doesn't want to so I don't force it. The dad can see that DS is left out on the sidelines but ignores it. This is fine- obv DS can't dictate what everyone else plays and has to learn that soemtimes you don't get to do what you want etc. But then when the boys start to get bored and want to play something else that DS would enjoy too, the dad keeps pushing and pushing them to play more football, even though to my mind this might be a good moment to encourage them to play something that DS can join in too, and that they would all enjoy? AIBU to think this is insensitive? Even if it is not the adults repsonsiblity to micromanage the kids, at the very least it would be kind not to deliberately push a game that leaves out one child. The dad pushed the football game for the entire playdate until it was time to go home, and later DS cried saying that he didn't have a chance to play with this friends. AIBU or is the dad? Thank you.

I do think it makes things a lot easier for boys socially if they like/play football to be fair. In the UK at least. I'm not sure if American football is the same in the US. Obviously boys who don't like football can still make friends but it does limit them as so much social time is spent playing it and trading cards etc (and it is mainly boys that want to ime). I also don't think you can push an interest though so if a kid doesn't like it they don't like it.

Therealpoo "Obviously boys who don't like football can still make friends"

of course they can! are we really still living in a society where boys need to do XYZ to be accepted and if we do should we not be fighting against this just as we do for girls not to be consigned to barbies and baby dolls?

"... it does limit them as so much social time is spent playing it and trading cards etc (and it is mainly boys that want to ime)."

So boys should be forced to do things they do not enjoy so they can fit in. That sounds pretty crap. I expect other boys in a class would rather be doing other things but the idea that they all should like football seems to be dominating.

"I also don't think you can push an interest though so if a kid doesn't like it they don't like it." I agree. I would want my son to fit in and I would encourage him to join in as much as I can, as I do with dd, but dd is very shy and finds joining in hard.

My earliest memory is not being able to join in dancing because I felt I could not dance. Having to fit in is really hard sometimes and I think it can be damaging for kids to always feel they need to.

deliver you say you are in the USA. I spent some time there and I found that baseball was very popular too, and basketball, maybe it depends where you are.

I think things may be worse in the UK because football (soccar) does tend to dominate but the states seems more varied. Also ice hockey is big there but here hockey is not much known or interested in let alone ice hockey. (as far as I know).

You said "Over the weekend we organised a playdate with 3 other boys from his class in the park."

Some posters are assuming you organised it, but the use of we suggests it was a combined effort so you were not necessarily in a position to stop the game or whatever.

Plus it is annoying if others feel you should reveal thing, you may not want to. You may not want to say we are in the USA or whatever, your thread, your choice.

Of course boys don't have to like football! And of course they don't have to do activities they don't want to do.

But it does oil the social wheels a bit some times. My ds, for example, is a bit of an oddity in his school, but football has made his social life at school sooooooo much easier. Those of you who have very young children may not "get" this

So a little gentle encouragement might not be a bad thing. And certainly nothing that might encourage a "we don't like football in this family, do we, mum?" mindset.

Teach your son not to be like that Dad...

Hi, haven't read whole thread but I recall chatting to my sons teachers years ago when we had friends/shyness issues.

They recommended one on one playdates at our house. Important playdate is at your house/venue of your choosing where there aren't loads of other kids: apparently it helps with the bonding thing. And important its just one on one for same reason.

And yes, the dad was an idiot!

"To suggest that football creates any more social opportunities than any other club is silly."

There is a huge difference between playing football for a club and being able to hold your own in a playground kickabout. Which is all I am talking about.

thanks everyone.

And yes- I think there is a bit of a weird gender thing going on here. I don't think anyone would say that a DD 'should' be encouraged to like pink/ dancing etc just to fit in. I definitely don't encourage my son not to like ball sports (my other DS loves them, and we play them a lot with him in the park/ back garden etc and the offer is always open to DS1) but nor do I feel I should make DS feel in any way as if he is somehow lacking or that he will doomed socially because football is not his thing, and it is easy to cross the line between gentle encouragement to try/ enjoy something new, and haranguing him and making him feel as though liking football is an essential part of being a likeable, worthwhile person. I am proud of him for being who he is/ liking what he likes regardless of peer pressure.

and as a former awkward and sometimes lonely kid (who grew into a reasonably socially confident adult) - it's not always as easy as "you should just fit in and give it a go" and it really doesn't help when adults blame you for not trying. You have to give kids space to be who they are as well.

Bertrand my kids are 12 and 6 and I know all about getting them to try and get on with friends etc, and wanting them to fit in!

But what if the boy cannot "hold his own in a playground kick about"? If he can do it great, if not, what? Not only is he 'bad' at football, he cannot make friends?

Find the things and people that light up your son, OP

What turned things around for dd was those stupid alien babies! All the girls had them, so we got dd a few when she was about 7 or 8.

Suddenly she fitted in better. But she wanted the alien baby! I was led by her interest as well as her friends. Some children are easier to impose onto, others not so much.

The OP has said she has tried to encourage her son and does not talk about her own dislike of ball sports with her son, and his brother likes ball sports!

OP I think you are doing brilliantly.

Arrange a one to one Lego type play date, stand back and enjoy.

" it really doesn't help when adults blame you for not trying. You have to give kids space to be who they are as well."

Has anyone suggested for a second blaming a child for not trying????

I think that if you can do easy things that might make your child's life easier then you should do them. Life can sometimes be tough enough without creating extra difficulties.

The whole thing about not fitting in I'd that if you have to force it,but I'd not really fitting in.

But the good news is they change with time, New friends or new opportunities present new opportunities or new friends.

Knowing who you are helps amazingly in this life. You are not just your ability to fit on, but finding ways to fit in helps.

italiangreyhound thank you!

bertrand no one has said "you should blame your son" in so many words, but there are lots of posts upthread that effectively amount to the same thing-

Bertram yes, some posters have blamed the child and said they were sulking.

Well, I would call what has been said blaming the child.

The dad was a knob! Fair enough to get them to play for a bit but to push the footy once they've clearly all had enough and not only that it leaves one kid out who has been very patient and not made a fuss! Next time you organise a play date have it at yours so you can't be bullied by this stupid man who clearly was only concerned about what he wanted!

I don't think I've said anywhere that boys should be forced to like football. I actually said the opposite and I think if you tried to push it it would put kids off more. But if you've spent any time in UK schools it would be naive to suggest that football isn't something that is played by a large proportion of the boys every break time (and only a few of the girls).
My son has ASD and if it wasn't for him liking football I think his break times would be a lot more difficult. But he decided he was interested in football and I then encouraged it. I couldn't have made him like it - nor would I have tried.
Like I said though it may well be different in the US where football isn't so much of a thing.

Fair enough. I am just grateful that my ds's love of football smoothed over any social issues he might have had at school over the last few years. I would much rather he "fitted in" with a kickabout at school and ploughed his own furrow out of school. Makes for a much happier life. Which is what I want for my child.

Football has been something that I've noticed is a great socialiser in boys. There really isn't an equivalent for girls, I remember commenting when ds was about 5 or 6yo how odd it was.

With the girls if we went down to the park, they might find 1-2 other children and play with them.
With ds we noticed if someone appeared with a football there could very quickly be a game playing with all from adults through teens down to even pre-schoolers playing together.
The groups often aren't fussy if people join in their game, even people they don't know at all joining an established group. It often seems to be the more the better.

I remember one time we had a traveller community pitched on the playing fields. Lots of people were up in arms etc. As we went past, they were playing football. Ds stopped and watched for a minute and they called to him to join in. It ended up with about 50/50 travellers/residents playing all together including some of the adults who had been very vocal about moving them on. At the end they were all slapping each other on the back and friendly.

I don't get it. Dh doesn't get it Neither of us like the game. But our observation from the outside is that it is far easier for a boy who will join in-doesn't have to be good, to find their footing socially. (sorry, no pun involved)
That is by no means saying, as dh will tell you, that a boy who doesn't play will never make friends. However what I'm saying is that for the child who find making friends difficult, it is a good beginning.

therealpoo yes- you haven't said that, but some posters have implied it. I'm not sure what good it would do anyway to try to 'force' it (or even encourage it beyond the general encouragement we do already) as I'm sure it wouldn't work and would likely make him dig his heels in even more.

But yes- football isn't as big of a deal here, but sports in general are, and I think this is a broader thing with my DS that he doesn't like team/ ball sports (at least for now) and I think that will make things harder for him socially, But I don't think it makes it any better for me to keep pushing which I think could be in danger of just making him feel rubbish about himself and the things he does like.

Why can't children just be allowed to play what and how they want without a controlling, "helicopter" parent pushing, persuading and organising them? How would we like it if we met up with friends and someone took the meeting over and organised what we were going to do? Children are people too and an important part of education, too often overlooked, is for them to learn how to interact with others and how to find their own level in a group and to tolerate differences in personalities and preferences. Maybe your son will never enjoy ball games. That's ok - there will be other things he prefers. It's not compulsory or praiseworthy to love ball games - it's just a preference!