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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my son at this playdate?

209 replies

deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 17:56

Genuinely don't know if I am being U and a bit precious out of worry for my kid so would appreciate some perspective.

DS is 6 and is quite shy and has a bit of a hard time socially. He has friends and is very sweet and kind, but is quite introverted and struggles a bit with the social side of things.

Over the weekend we organised a playdate with 3 other boys from his class in the park. I was keen to do it because I want to help/ encourage DS to make strong friendships etc and play with the other kids. (he had said these boys had been playing together at break etc.)

DS hates all kinds of ball sports- his problem I know, but he really doesn't like them and I am the same. When we arrived at the park the kids were playing happily for about half an hour, climbing trees/ swapping lego etc. Then one of the dads suggests a game of football. Obv fine. DS doesn't want to play, The other kids are so-so about it, and have to be persuaded . The dad keeps pushing it and pushing it until the other 3 join in. DS sits on the sidelines, doesn't play and feels very left out and upset. I try hard to encourage him to join in but he just doesn't want to so I don't force it. The dad can see that DS is left out on the sidelines but ignores it. This is fine- obv DS can't dictate what everyone else plays and has to learn that soemtimes you don't get to do what you want etc. But then when the boys start to get bored and want to play something else that DS would enjoy too, the dad keeps pushing and pushing them to play more football, even though to my mind this might be a good moment to encourage them to play something that DS can join in too, and that they would all enjoy? AIBU to think this is insensitive? Even if it is not the adults repsonsiblity to micromanage the kids, at the very least it would be kind not to deliberately push a game that leaves out one child. The dad pushed the football game for the entire playdate until it was time to go home, and later DS cried saying that he didn't have a chance to play with this friends. AIBU or is the dad? Thank you.

OP posts:
ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 20/03/2017 22:32

Italian he wasn't bored : he was 'left out'. I feel sympathy for both parties tbh , but not especially OP

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 20/03/2017 22:33

Didn't realise MN was so anti football!

TheRealPooTroll · 20/03/2017 22:33

The dad does sound like he was a little overkeen. But I'm sure if any of the other kids had actually said 'no' that would have been the end of it. I get that it must have been frustrating for him to be trying to continue a game that the ops ds had no interest in but if he was that bothered about playing with hs friends he would have joined in surely?
I disagree that it was a game he couldn't play. He didn't want to.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 20/03/2017 22:33

None of the adults needed to organise the kids' play and the dad WBU for this reason. (IMO).

Gemmy89 · 20/03/2017 22:34

The dad was being unreasonable here. Sounds like he's the one with poor social skills in this situation, no one else.

Italiangreyhound · 20/03/2017 22:35

OK Ketchup, he wasnt bored he was upset, and "But then when the boys start to get bored" but the person we could feel sorry for is the adult man.... no one is anti football. I just think kids feeling left out is pretty sad, adult man being a bit bored, not so worried about it... anyway, night all.

Thanks
JayneAusten · 20/03/2017 22:36

What else do you suggest I do?

Not blame someone else for your son's sulky behaviour. Leave him to it. If he wants to leave himself out of the game then he can find out early how boring that is. The fact you've even posted this thread suggests that your attitude towards your son's reaction is not helpful, however much you may feel you hide it from him and encourage him. It's not meant to sound barbed at all, I just think that if this was something you did enjoy or approve of (let's say Lego) then if one child had sulked and refused to play Lego you wouldn't have wanted all the others to stop. And you wouldn't have felt judgmental if the dad doing the Lego had pulled kids who got distracted back into the Lego project.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 20/03/2017 22:36

If I take my 6yr old to park with other kids, I don't want other parents to entertain him, I want him to play with other kids. Otherwise I sit there thinking ffs now I have to go show what a good socialable parent I am and participate in some game.

TheRealPooTroll · 20/03/2017 22:39

And to the pp who suggested I thought the 6yo should negotiate with the dad - I meant negotiate with the other kids. Something children do from preschool age.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 20/03/2017 22:40

If I take my 6yr old to park with other kids, I don't want other parents to entertain him, I want him to play with other kids. Otherwise I sit there thinking ffs now I have to go show what a good socialable parent I am and participate in some game

Ha this^

When my 6yos friends are here I hide in my study. Isn't the point of other kids that you are off entertainer duty??

sirfredfredgeorge · 20/03/2017 22:40

I'm confused about the set up - you actually invited a load of adults you didn't know to a park, bringing lego? What were you expecting the adults to do? I can imagine a lot of parents would want to play with the kids, rather than make a load of small talk with a load of parents who they have nothing in common with other than their kids.

I can't even imagine why you'd organise a playdate in the park - in a scenario where you want the adults to stay - I can't really imagine why you'd want to organise one in the park. You just go to the park and play with whoever's there, it's a great way for building friendships - more importantly as it's informal, it doesn't matter and you don't feel left out if some go off and play something else, you just do something else.

It's clear one of the boys who comes to our local park often doesn't like football, he stands on top the goal being an "umpire", or he goes off and plays with other kids or all sorts. The pressure everyone would feel if he was supposed to play with the kids playing football 'cos he was on a date would be horrible for him I'm sure.

Playdates - invite the kids, give the other parents a break.

Italiangreyhound · 20/03/2017 22:41

JayneAusten but the OP has another son who is into ball games. How has she influenced this one so successfully against them and the other not. Maybe her son just doesn't like football.

MadamePomfrey · 20/03/2017 22:43

sirfred there was no lego it was just an example of another type of activity not all kids like

sirfredfredgeorge · 20/03/2017 22:44

Otherwise I sit there thinking ffs now I have to go show what a good socialable parent I am and participate in some game.

Seriously you really don't need to - some adults can only survive the park by playing - they don't want to talk to other adults, playing games lets them be there, if you take over the role you're just harming them! Enjoy sitting down!

sirfredfredgeorge · 20/03/2017 22:45

MadamePomfrey The original post says

When we arrived at the park the kids were playing happily for about half an hour, climbing trees/ swapping lego etc.

So I assumed there was lego!

gandalf456 · 20/03/2017 22:46

My ds isn't particularly into football but will play if another child suggests it. He's not sporty full stop. His friends tend to be quieter and sometimes slightly nerdy. He tends to bond over computer games and stuff like that. He also plays well with girls because he's less rough and tumble son they take to him more. It's not essential to be into football to have friends

MadamePomfrey · 20/03/2017 22:47

Oh my bad I missed that I thought it was brought in later as an example 😳 I stand corrected there was lego

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 20/03/2017 22:47

Sorry - but I do feel sorry for 'bored 'child a bit : of course!

But on lots of other threads he would possibly be called a 'snowflake' or some such nonsense and OP would be called precious.

She ahs sat and tutted and judged , come home and posted on MN 'Man plays football with kids in park shocker ' !

I can't help but feel the combo of an enthusiastic bloke and a football is bringing out some interesting sentiments.

So, he didn't judge the kids' enthusiasms or attention spans well ,and was perhaps getting over eager : but no one else intervened and diverted him!

I have been to plenty of football parties and , OP, your son will be invited to quite a few, just to warn you. Usually some dads do some reffing and a few boys/ girls wander around uninvolved. The other parents then tend to find something else for those ones to do, I guess.

I hope your disdain wasn't too obvious and has only been expressed on here.

btw , my DS2 hated ball sports until the age of 7 and is now football crazy, so your DS may change (not that he has to).

Starlight2345 · 20/03/2017 22:47

I have only skim read..

My DS did not like football, and was particularly bad at ball sports. He has hypermobility so can be part of the issue.At 6 he would not of joined in a football match either.

I would of encouraged my DS to go off and play something different. He doesn't have to follow the crowd.

I also support the having the children which will help build relationships. I find smaller groups are much better for building friendships.

helpmeplease2045 · 20/03/2017 22:49

As a mother of a sensitive 6YO DS who also finds it hard to join in YADNBU..

The dad should have left them to it, I feel sorry for your son but it is encouraging that he played well with them before the football. My son finds joining in groups of ball games with other boys very hard and would have been too worried to join in too. A big cuddle from you to your son and then arrange another playdate (maybe without the dad!!)

Hugs

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 20/03/2017 22:53

But, at the end of the day, rightly or wrongly the dad tried to organise stuff, as some adults are wont, and the DS did not get involved. He then very much did 'leave him to it' and is being criticised when he probably thought he shouldn't force a child to join in.

I feel he can't win a bit.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 20/03/2017 22:55

But yy OP, organise another playdate at your home and leave the boys to play 'naturally' if that's what you would prefer. Give the children a few chances to bond. It can be tough at that age for children to find like minded friends and the only MO the dad had was football. Misguidedly.

MammaTJ · 20/03/2017 23:02

Not read the whole thread, tbh, because I may be a tad squiffy!!

Is it possible that your DS has some problem with his eyesight, either known about or undiagnosed, that is putting him off ball games? I am only speaking from experience, in that my DS had a problem and his eyes did not work together, so he had no 3D vision or depth perception, so ball games were a nightmare for him!

He finally had a successful op last summer and is now all of a sudden happy to join his friends in a kick about (or game of football, as they call it)!

MammaTJ · 20/03/2017 23:03

Oh, and the Dad was BU!!

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 20/03/2017 23:03

I'm getting flashbacks of the competitive dad sketch from The Fast Show.

You could be describing my DCs. My older one would much rather sit quietly building something than chasing a ball. We also have the ball crazy younger sibling which doesn't help DS1's confidence when he's aware that his younger brother has more aptitude.

He goes to gymnastics lessons which will hopefully boost his coordination and transfer to improved sporting skill in the future. He'll sometimes go to junior parkrun in decent weather and is a decent runner. Again that will help with ball games in the future. He's been happy to go to some holiday sports camps before, and is currently going to a school sports club for a short period. Everything has been very much at his pace and he will shy away from pressure and become more resilient at pursuing his own course. The actions of this dad would have been very likely to put him off.

Liking ball games definitely makes socialising easier for young boys. DS2 has no qualms about joining in with any game going.

In a similar situation of an adult getting dominant, it would be worth encouraging the alternative activity that's caught all their interest.