about my son at this playdate?

[deliverdaniel]

Genuinely don't know if I am being U and a bit precious out of worry for my kid so would appreciate some perspective.

DS is 6 and is quite shy and has a bit of a hard time socially. He has friends and is very sweet and kind, but is quite introverted and struggles a bit with the social side of things.

Over the weekend we organised a playdate with 3 other boys from his class in the park. I was keen to do it because I want to help/ encourage DS to make strong friendships etc and play with the other kids. (he had said these boys had been playing together at break etc.)

DS hates all kinds of ball sports- his problem I know, but he really doesn't like them and I am the same. When we arrived at the park the kids were playing happily for about half an hour, climbing trees/ swapping lego etc. Then one of the dads suggests a game of football. Obv fine. DS doesn't want to play, The other kids are so-so about it, and have to be persuaded . The dad keeps pushing it and pushing it until the other 3 join in. DS sits on the sidelines, doesn't play and feels very left out and upset. I try hard to encourage him to join in but he just doesn't want to so I don't force it. The dad can see that DS is left out on the sidelines but ignores it. This is fine- obv DS can't dictate what everyone else plays and has to learn that soemtimes you don't get to do what you want etc. But then when the boys start to get bored and want to play something else that DS would enjoy too, the dad keeps pushing and pushing them to play more football, even though to my mind this might be a good moment to encourage them to play something that DS can join in too, and that they would all enjoy? AIBU to think this is insensitive? Even if it is not the adults repsonsiblity to micromanage the kids, at the very least it would be kind not to deliberately push a game that leaves out one child. The dad pushed the football game for the entire playdate until it was time to go home, and later DS cried saying that he didn't have a chance to play with this friends. AIBU or is the dad? Thank you.

I don't understand why you let the dad lead the playing.

"I feel he can't win a bit." He can and he did, he did what he wanted to do.

Why does the man always get centre stage even on a play date?

Why didn't you speak to the dad and suggest they play something else as your son was left out?

jayneausten
Not blame someone else for your son's sulky behaviour. Leave him to it. If he wants to leave himself out of the game then he can find out early how boring that is. The fact you've even posted this thread suggests that your attitude towards your son's reaction is not helpful, however much you may feel you hide it from him and encourage him. It's not meant to sound barbed at all, I just think that if this was something you did enjoy or approve of (let's say Lego) then if one child had sulked and refused to play Lego you wouldn't have wanted all the others to stop. And you wouldn't have felt judgmental if the dad doing the Lego had pulled kids who got distracted back into the Lego project.

I wasn't blaming anyone else for my son's behavior. He did leave himself out of the game - I encouraged him several times to join, told him it would be fun, told him that if he didn't want to play he wasn't allowed to ruin it for everyone else by sulking etc etc. They played for 45 mins. I was objecting to the dad persistently restarting it when it had run its course and DS was finally involved again. As for lego- yes I would have thought exactly the same if it were lego, and one child was uninvolved. Unless the whole point of the playdate had been to come and do a lego project, I would have thought it was nice for a dad to start a lego project wiht kids- fine for a bit if one kid wasn't involved but for the dad to keep persisting after the kids lost interest I would have thought was really off, especially if one kid was left out. This has nothing to do with my views of ball sports vs lego. I personally don't really enjoy either of these things- one of my sons enjoys one and one enjoys the other. I don't say anything about either being better or worse. I encourage them to try things they don't like but I don't force the ball loving one to play lego and vice versa.

The dad is a complete and utter insensitive dick. I would have a word with him. Bloody great big man child! That would piss me off no end.

Not joining in is not the same as sulking!

I don't think either of you were BU tbh.

My 6 year old ds also isn't into football, he just isn't fussed and would rather build lego or run around playing when at the park. DH loves football and plays 5 a side weekly, and he and his family are also very into rugby and heavily involved with the local club which again DS1 just isn't into. I find it so frustrating that so many people think all little boys should be into football, there are plenty who aren't.

My 4 year old ds on the other hand loves both football and rugby.

Not joining in doesn't necessarily mean sulking but if you're not joining in and you're crying at the sidelines rather than just watching or getting on with playing something else it would be seen as sulking by most people I think.

I fully admit he was upset/ sulking (sulking implies a bit of manipulation and I honestly don't think it was this but upset for sure.) and yes it was not his finest hour. I did not encourage this behavior. I would love him to join in with sports, believe me. He sat it out for 45 mins and I certainly didn't try to stop them playing because DS didn't want to and made. Point of explaining that to DS. But still- I think a grown man/ father should be more sensitive to a small child's feelings.
That's part of being a parent. I'm surprised at all those who think that my DS should have stellar social skills but the father is not expected to show any

Ilikebeans
You said 'we organised a playdate' but I think you expected others to involve your DS and other adults to run around after the children accommodating all their different habits and preferences. He's not a nanny.

I didn't expect anything of the kind! the boys were playing happily on their own and the adults were chatting. Which is exactly how I think playdates should be ideally. Then the dad started pushing the football thing. Which is fine for a bit, but not IMO fine to monopolise the whole playdate with this when one kid out of four clearly isn't enjoying it, and the others aren't that bothered about it.

sirfredfred
I'm confused about the set up - you actually invited a load of adults you didn't know to a park, bringing lego? What were you expecting the adults to do? I can imagine a lot of parents would want to play with the kids, rather than make a load of small talk with a load of parents who they have nothing in common with other than their kids.

Not that confusing I don't think. I arranged for 3 schoolfriends to meet at the park for a playdate. Adults were welcome to come or not come. It was a nice day, so that's presumably why most of the parents came. We know the other adults vaguely and get on ok. We were having a pleasant conversation while the kids were playing. We didn't bring lots of lego, but in my son's peer group many of the boys carry around a minifigure or two or other small pieces and trade them with each other, which is what they were doing before the dad got involved.

When the fun was starting to wear off and they wanted to do something else you could have taken the opportunity to instigate a new game?

My DS 4 has a friend who doesn't like ball sports and would rather sit with the adults than play so my boy will end up playing with this lads 2 year old sister, he doesn't really understand why he won't play with them and I usually just think well he is missing out.

beingsunny they had already found themselves a new game and were climbing a tree, so no need for me to come up with a new game (i like to encourage them to be independent/ make their own games anyway)

OP, is it ball games or team games your wee boy doesnt like?

MrsPeelywaly I'm not sure tbh. I don't think he has ever played any team games that aren't ball games. he only started school this year (he's 6 but we are not in the Uk and they start school a year later here) and they don't do any team games there, and he's never been in an out of school team. But I think it's mainly ball games.

The dad sounds like a massive douchecanoe. The kind of dad whose kid will resent him in the future.

I don't think he has ever played any team games that aren't ball games

OP, thats what I mean and I think there is a big difference between not liking ball games and not being able to take part in team games involving a ball because a person struggles socially. It could just be that for now he cannot be part of a team because he cant think of what the other team members are going to be doing next so he prefers to sit it out and say he doesn't like ball games but for the wrong reason.

It just seems to me that many men (not all , but many) prefer structured play and 'play with purpose' while many women are more keen on free play. Often , when I have been on such things my DH or another man's perspective is that children should be 'doing something'. Now , their version of 'doing something' is maybe a bit of an interpretation/ overlooks other forms of play but there it is. I joined in on this thread because I don't think it is fair or pleasant to call a man who went on playdate and played with other children willingly and took on a role all the unpleasant things many PPs on here (to be fair not OP) have called him ''dick' : really?? I still think this is because a bunch of people who hate football or view it as a patriarchal construct have launched themselves into him.

Yes, he may have 'competitive dad' syndrome and may have lacked a bit of sensitivity but this is an AIBU and, as usual, OP does not expect anyone to disagree with her. The man may well have thought climbing trees would not have lasted for much longer on the day and thought to intervene before the kids got bored.

He may well have read the situation a bit wrong but trying to involve all the kids together in some kind of structured game is not a bad thing to do and it is what many a teacher would do on a trip. And it certainly doesn't make him a dick. He is getting all the blame for the fact that you wanted to control your own child's playdate (under the guise of letting them find their own entertainment) and you are now sulking because your child sulked and didn't get the play he wanted. The apple didn't fall far from the tree there.

the kids were playing happily for about half an hour, climbing trees/ swapping lego etc. Then one of the dads suggests a game of football. Obv fine. DS doesn't want to play, The other kids are so-so about it, and have to be persuaded . The dad keeps pushing it and pushing it until the other 3 join in. (SNIP.....) But then when the boys start to get bored and want to play something else that DS would enjoy too, the dad keeps pushing and pushing them to play more football, (SNIP.....) Before the dad got involved hte boys were happily playing without adult involvement- on the climbing frame, climbing a tree, swapping lego people etc. Then the dad came along and starting rounding them all up for football. they were reluctant at first but then got into it. When they started to lose interest and wanted to climb another tree together, the dad kept trying to shepherd them all back to playing football (SNIP....) it was when they started to lose interest and graviatated towards climbing a tree instead, and DS was starting to get engaged again, and the dad kept coming over and saying "let's play some more football!" and picking out the individual kids and saying "John! don't you want to come and play some more football" etc etc until they did.

The dad is/was totally unreasonable.

If he wants to play football so badly he can go and find a group of people who actually want to play it, not commandeer a group of young children who'd rather be doing something else for the most part. He sounds like a bit of a bully TBH.

From the sounds of it, the boys were quite happy playing with the equipment on offer, and most likely would've been quite happy to continue doing so. There was no need for anyone to interfere and set up another activity, football or otherwise (at least at that point).

I've spent many years taking my son to football where dad's are utterly obsessed shouting at their kids trying to love their football dreams through their kids . My son finally left a very anxious boy . Maybe your son is right here x

Nothin - nothing - in OP's post suggest the dad was shouting/ being competitive/ being obsessive. There were three children. It was a kickabout. For Goodness sake.

Obviously, judgemental mums need to provide rules for playdates which comprise;

1. absolutely every child eagerly involved in every activity
2. free play must be provided at all times
3. However, organised swings and tree climbing are permitted
4. No parent shall have his or her own ideas of what play constitutes, especially if he is a man and it is football
5. Despite the fact that I believe in free play if my child appears left out or uncatered for at any time, parents must intervene to include him
6. I retain the right to organise and be invited to social events - but, please note, I reserve the right to judge your childcare abilities behind your back.

There absolutely are dada (and mums; they can be the worst!) vicariously living a range of sporting dreams through their kids - that is not what this post is about.

It's an interesting debate. Thinking more widely was the father simply trying to role model masculinity for the boys? My husband is not a ball game person, (watches rugby and big football matches so he can join in men's conversation). He did take our son to rugby for years (sons were sometimes reluctant) but now love rugby and one borders on obsessed.
Is there a risk that by rubbishing the fathers attempting to lead play in a traditional male way that we do the boys a disservice? Do children need training in gender as much as they need potty training in order to grow into healthy adults? Is this refusal to accept gender norms by a group of mentally unwell/body dystrophic activists the reason for more children 'coming out' ? Are we too scared of being discriminatory to contest this?
He may well have been OTT at football- many men/boys are but is the underlying message we are giving is that masculinity is wrong? Interesting.

Interesting indeed, Crumbs

Children need all sorts of play experiences.

I am assuming next on OP's agenda is inviting maybe one or tow children round her house to play in a different way so that her DS1 can forge his own friendships and make his own way in life.

There is a considerable amount of dad bashing on here, although OP did also have a go at the mum at one point for failing to intervene. She did also reiterate that she did not think the dad was mean.

Not sure if you are saying coming out is bad though??