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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my son at this playdate?

209 replies

deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 17:56

Genuinely don't know if I am being U and a bit precious out of worry for my kid so would appreciate some perspective.

DS is 6 and is quite shy and has a bit of a hard time socially. He has friends and is very sweet and kind, but is quite introverted and struggles a bit with the social side of things.

Over the weekend we organised a playdate with 3 other boys from his class in the park. I was keen to do it because I want to help/ encourage DS to make strong friendships etc and play with the other kids. (he had said these boys had been playing together at break etc.)

DS hates all kinds of ball sports- his problem I know, but he really doesn't like them and I am the same. When we arrived at the park the kids were playing happily for about half an hour, climbing trees/ swapping lego etc. Then one of the dads suggests a game of football. Obv fine. DS doesn't want to play, The other kids are so-so about it, and have to be persuaded . The dad keeps pushing it and pushing it until the other 3 join in. DS sits on the sidelines, doesn't play and feels very left out and upset. I try hard to encourage him to join in but he just doesn't want to so I don't force it. The dad can see that DS is left out on the sidelines but ignores it. This is fine- obv DS can't dictate what everyone else plays and has to learn that soemtimes you don't get to do what you want etc. But then when the boys start to get bored and want to play something else that DS would enjoy too, the dad keeps pushing and pushing them to play more football, even though to my mind this might be a good moment to encourage them to play something that DS can join in too, and that they would all enjoy? AIBU to think this is insensitive? Even if it is not the adults repsonsiblity to micromanage the kids, at the very least it would be kind not to deliberately push a game that leaves out one child. The dad pushed the football game for the entire playdate until it was time to go home, and later DS cried saying that he didn't have a chance to play with this friends. AIBU or is the dad? Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 18:48

worra yes that's a good point. He hasn't actually said "I hate all sports involving balls" or anything. I've just noticed that as soon as a ball comes out, he doesn't want any part of it. But yes, we could probably do much better in trying to introduce different options. I think because neither of us particularly like that kind of hting it doesn't come naturally to us to suggest it. (weirdly DS2 LOVES balls, is incredibly coordinated and likes nothing better than a good game of anything involving a ball! I do'nt know where he came from :-)

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BhajiAllTheWay · 20/03/2017 18:59

That's a shame.Maybe he just couldn't think what else to do with them except football. Bit insensitive but he was obviously catering for the majority. All playing when my boy's were school age seemed to centre on football and ball sports and they bonded with other children through it. I know you can't force him to play but is it that he lacks confidence? Seen someone get hurt? May help if you knew what the issue is as it's hard to be left out of things.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 19:07

bhaji yes I think there probably is a confidence issue but I think it's just not his thing at the moment. He likes more sitting down activities like Lego or more imaginative games (let's pretend we're shaggy and scooby) . Recently we had some friends over with a similar aged DD and she and DS spent hours building fairy houses and bug traps in the back garden. He just finds football boring and to be honest, I do too so I get it. But hard to be a boy who doesn't like it.

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harderandharder2breathe · 20/03/2017 19:15

I do recognise that a play date is different, as I said. With only four kids you can reasonably find something they all like, much harder with 24. And much worse for one to be left out sat on his own than a handful of kids who would be happy to sit and chat rather than play.

Try inviting them round to yours and get them playing lego or something they all enjoy. Or park play dates with only one other child.

The dad sounds weird for wanting the football to continue once the kids lost interest.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 19:17

Yes thanks sorry you did say that! Yes def think one on one is better.... but I realize there will probably be lots of this ahead for him!

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isadoradancing123 · 20/03/2017 19:41

I think the dad was being very unreasonable, especially as the kids were getting fed up playing football

SleightOfMind · 20/03/2017 20:02

The dad was DBU and thoughtless.

DS1 didn't like football either but it can be a bit of a monoculture for boys of that age up till about 10 I'm afraid.
DS used to join in and play defence (not goalie!) until he'd persuaded his football mad friends to play something else.

He developed this strategy at about 71/2 I think and it worked quite well. He did gravitate towards less sport obsessed friends as he got older.

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2017 20:10

The dad was unreasonable-he should have noticed that your ds was being left out.

But the football thing is an issue. If he can possibly learn to play and enjoy football his life will be a million times easier. Not saying that's right-it's just a fact.

mogonfoxnight · 20/03/2017 20:23

Just read your reply to me. You mentioned lego and engineering, but what I was saying (or meant to say) was that playing team sports is good for social skills ie the skills you were concerned about.

That might have been what the dad had in mind.

Maybe next time go and chat to the dad, and suggest something the kids all want to do, such as play chase or another group game, or distract him so that the kids can run off and do what they want!!

MeNeedSleep · 20/03/2017 20:32

Dad sounds like a total dick. If he was my dh I'd have told him to give it a rest after the 1st bit of football play. Luckily my dh isn't in to football. My ds7 isn't either. I'm Confused at how many on here are shocked that a 6yr old boy doesn't like football. Not all boys like football.

MeNeedSleep · 20/03/2017 20:38

That's bollocks bert football is not the be all and end all of young boy's play and happiness. Not all children are in to football, and neither do they have to be.

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2017 20:40

"That's bollocks bert football is not the be all and end all of young boy's play and happiness. Not all children are in to football, and neither do they have to be."

I didn't say it was, or that they should be I just said that generally their lives are easier if they are. Which is the truth. "

juni · 20/03/2017 20:41

Agree with meneed, quite a few of my 9 year old DS's classmates don't like football - no biggie and I wouldn't stress about it. Although at 6 my DS didn't like it either but he felt left out and forced himself to like it - now he's obsessed!

TheRealPooTroll · 20/03/2017 21:05

I'm going to go against the grain and say yabu. The dad may have been a bit enthusiastic but I doubt he was forcing the other boys to play.
I think you are maybe contributing to your son feeling hard done by going by the language you are using. They weren't 'leaving him out'. They just weren't letting him choose the game. Leaving him out would have been telling him he couldn't play. He was sad that he didn't get a chance to ply with his friends but he did have a chance - he just chose not to.
He could have joined in, he could have found some other friends to play with in the park.
Learning that if you want to play as a group you sometimes have to go with the majority decision is a good social skill to learn.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 21:15

therealpootroll fair point, but on a practical level what would this involve? I didn't tell him he was left out, he told me that was how he felt. I told him pretty much all the things you have said here. But ultimately, he didn't want to play, and I couldn't/ didn't want to force him to (not sure I could have even if I had wanted to.) I think it's fine that they play something he didn't want to play. But for the dad to keep pushing that for the whole time and not taking any account of the fact that DS was unhappy seems a little insensitive. Similarly if I had guests over at my house I woulnd't keep pushing an activity that one of them obviously hated or felt uncomfortable with. I know the dad was not the 'host' in this situation, but I feel as though he is not teaching his kids great social skills either- ie try to make everyone feel included if you can/ don't ignore your friend being unhappy etc etc.

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Original poster
deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 21:17

and yes of course he wasn't forcing the other boys to play. But he kept encouraging them to keep going even when they were losing interest and wanting to play something that DS would have enjoyed as well.

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msgrinch · 20/03/2017 21:19

I agree with thereal. Also what games were the other adults suggesting?

TheRealPooTroll · 20/03/2017 21:28

I would explain the difference between being left out and opting not to join in with a particular game.
Maybe the dad thought your ds might join in when he was ready? Or that he was upset for a different reason? I'm not sure that getting everyone to play something different because your ds wanted to would have even been particularly helpful to your ds. It wouldn't happen on the playground - he 'd either have to join in or find someone else to pay with. And your ds might be keener to join in games in future as a result of today - even when it's not his favourite thing to play.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 21:29

msgrinch no other adults were suggesting games. Before the dad got involved hte boys were happily playing without adult involvement- on the climbing frame, climbing a tree, swapping lego people etc. Then the dad came along and starting rounding them all up for football. they were reluctant at first but then got into it. When they started to lose interest and wanted to climb another tree together, the dad kept trying to shepherd them all back to playing football

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Original poster
deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 21:31

therealpootroll I did explain that difference, pretty much exactly as you have said it. And I didn't expect them to change their game for him, as like you, I think he has to realise that he can't always do what he wants/ needs to compromise etc etc. i think it's obviously fine that they play a game that he doesn't like. It was when they started to lose interest in the football, and went to play with DS but the dad just kept pushing it and pushing it that I got annoyed.

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Aeroflotgirl · 20/03/2017 21:35

Why dident you step in and say, oh it looks like the boys would prefer to play something else, lets play..... Instead!

TheRealPooTroll · 20/03/2017 21:35

Without being there it's hard to know what you mean. How was he pushing and pushing?

gandalf456 · 20/03/2017 21:36

I think he was being a bit u but probably wanted to play it himself. I doubt he deliberately left ds out but it's bad he was sitting on the sidelines and didn't notice.

I do think, though, you should have stuck your neck on the line and said something. .I'm not sure how if broach it though so sympathise on that front

TheRealPooTroll · 20/03/2017 21:38

I do get that it must have been hard to see your kid upset and that the dads actions weren't helping. But I'm sure his intention wasn't to upset your son.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 20/03/2017 21:43

therealpootroll no he obviously wasn't trying to upset DS. I guess it was when they started to lose interest and graviatated towards climbing a tree instead, and DS was starting to get engaged again, and the dad kept coming over and saying "let's play some more football!" and picking out the individual kids and saying "John! don't you want to come and play some more football" etc etc until they did.

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