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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is nosey from dh's ex wife.

224 replies

AmazingJane67 · 20/03/2017 09:48

We have saved to take the dc to Florida this year dd17, ds16, ds7, dd5, ds3 and dss16 dd15.

I am a stay at home mum because of dd5 and ds3. This means dh is paying for the whole holiday. Dh ex has agreed to the holiday (its 4 weeks so most of summer break.) We asked her to pay half the cost for her dc as last year dh paid the whole cost of the holiday for her to go away with them. This was told to her when dh gave her the money for the holiday. It works out less then the cost of the holiday and she has had a year to save. She is now refusing to pay dh and has said that I should pay half and that I am not contributing to the cost of the holiday.

I must make a note dh and ex take in turns to take dc away every year so dh one year, ex the next.

Aibu to think she should mind her own business about finances and me.

OP posts:
golfbuggy · 20/03/2017 10:28

Assuming the oldest DC are not DH's I can see her point.

So DH is paying for his own DC joint with OP.

Under the proposed arrangement he would pay 1/2 of the cost of the 2 children with his ex.
But 100% of the 2 children that are solely OP's.

GreyStars · 20/03/2017 10:28

I think some people are reading the OP incorrectly. The OP has said,

  • The ex is only being asked to pay for half of the DSC costs. She is not paying half the entire holiday.
  • That the contribution towards her children is less than the cost of the holiday, last year.

The other children are no concern of the Ex, that will come with an entirely different set of potential complications.

I agree it is very strange way to split things, but shared PR is rarely simple, but the way I see it.

The OPs family paid for the exW and DSC to go on holiday for whatever reason, on the basis of that it was agreed the exW would pay half the cost for her own children only on this holiday.

She should pay

1bighappyfamily · 20/03/2017 10:28

A lovely way of devaluing the contribution of the SAHP (and I say that as an WOHP).

Your and your DH's financial set up is no concern of hers and shouldn't be brought into the equation.

She is being very unfair as she and her DC had a holiday on you last year and she's being asked to do the same thing now so that her children can still have a break away.

Although, as others have said, this would be the last time I would get involved like this. Separate finances from now on.

EdwardBear1920 · 20/03/2017 10:29

Trying to see this from ex's point of view.

You have children of 17 and 16, and stepchildren of 16 and 15. From this, I'm assuming that both you and DH have children from previous partnerships.

I can see why, in her eyes, he seems to be more prepared to subsidise your children over his own. It may well be that your ex is also being asked to pay for half his children's holiday, but she doesn't know that.

In addition, you've pointed out that she has a year to save. From this, I'm assuming that she will need to save, and she is therefore being told what to save her money for.

Again, in her eyes, if she's being paid maintenance for their children, and then she's being asked to put aside an amount of that each month so that she can then return it to him, that's going to feel as though she's not allowed to choose where she spends the children's maintenance. Again, it's going to feel as though she's effectively losing an amount each month. Which she is.

So yes, I think it probably is nosy to ask you about your financial arrangements, but I can understand why she's irritated by the set up and might want to know.

Scrubba · 20/03/2017 10:29

Having just priced up 2 wks in Florida with 5 people (£7500) there's no way I could afford even half the cost of taking 7dc/9 people overall for a month??
You're taking the piss.

WorraLiberty · 20/03/2017 10:30

What if she can't pay?

If she was too skint last year to pay for a holiday, she may be too skint this year too.

Annesmyth123 · 20/03/2017 10:31

4 weeks in Florida self catering in a villa for that amount of people is coming in at roughly £13000

And that's before spending money.

So,you're asking her for 4 GRAND or thereabouts. For a holiday she isn't going to get to enjoy.

EnormousTiger · 20/03/2017 10:31

She should never have agreed the deal last year. It was silly to agree to it. I wonder if it was agreed in writing or by email with a record of it? Why pay for your children to go away on holiday with the other parent? I would never do that. I take my 5 on nice holidays and I pay every penny (in fact their father doesn't pay a penny of anything for them nor see them, more fool him). If he took them away - he never does despite asking for and getting an extra £100k from me in our divorce negotiations for "holidays for the children" - I would expect him to pay for the cost or book a holiday he could afford - tent in Wales or whatever.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 10:33

I know - £4k or similar isn't the sort of money most people have lying about. Can she afford this? If not, this is all academic.

paxillin · 20/03/2017 10:33

But please do tell where on earth they went last year and for how long if it was more expensive than a month in Florida. Round-the-world cruise for 8 weeks? To space?

Scrubba · 20/03/2017 10:34

TBH, nothing about this thread adds up, least of all the holiday cost.

mouldycheesefan · 20/03/2017 10:36

Strange arrangement. Your dh and the ex should just pay for their own holidsys. Taking it in turns to pay for each others was never going to work.
Downscale the holidays you to one you can afford without ex input e.g 2 weeks in Florida instead of 4 weeks.

Annesmyth123 · 20/03/2017 10:37

Let me put it this way.

If, last year, your DH paid for her whole holiday and that was 4K.

And said, when he handed over the money, that she would have to pay for half of the kids holiday the next year - if I was her I'd tally that in my head as about 1500 will be needed tops next year. (4K /3 * 2 then halved )

TheElephantofSurprise · 20/03/2017 10:37

So this man has seven children and only intends to pay for five?
Or, he has five children, and will pay for two older ones and three small ones but wants the mother of two of the older ones to pay for them?
Two of the four older children aren't his? Where is their father and why isn't he paying for them?

Actually, I don't care about any of that. He's said he's taking all seven on holiday, he gets to pay. Don't ask the ex wife for money.

greenworm · 20/03/2017 10:37

I think the arrangement to pay for/contribute towards the other parent's holiday with the DC is an inherently bad one and fraught with difficulties and issues.

If she had previously explicitly agreed to contribute to this holiday based on your DH paying for hers last year, it would seem unreasonable that she's backing out, but then again the cost might be a lot more than she had bargained for, even if it's less than your DH paid for her holiday in total last time.

Your finances are irrelevant to this issue, I agree.

However you resolve things this year I would definitely stop this system of paying towards ex's holidays. Both parents should just take whatever kind of holiday they can personally afford with their own children.

emmyrose2000 · 20/03/2017 10:38

OP, is your ex being asked to pay for half of the cost for the children you had with him? If not, then I think YABU to expect DH's ex to pay for half of her childrens' holiday.

OTOH, there was the agreement last year that she would pay for half of her kids' holiday this year, so from that aspect YANBU to expect her to stick to that agreement.

GwenStaceyRocks · 20/03/2017 10:38

I think the ex wife has a point. Presumably she thinks your dh is paying the entire cost for his SDCs (rather than you and your ex covering your DCs' costs) but is saying his ex has to pay half the cost for their DCs. I've no idea how anyone could think that was fair.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 20/03/2017 10:43

YABU. want a $$$ holiday? pay for it!

Topuptheglass · 20/03/2017 10:44

Why does this happen?

OP posts then disappears!

I think the ex has a point - if your eldest children's father is on the scene, is he nor contributing?

Topuptheglass · 20/03/2017 10:44

not

Soapandglory · 20/03/2017 10:48

Agree with others, overly complicated situation.

Maybe she hasn't got the money?
Is your dcs father paying?

Your finances are none of her business but seems simpler if your dh just pays for his own children to go on holiday.

GreyStars · 20/03/2017 10:58

YABU. want a $$$ holiday? pay for it!

Maybe the Ex should have thought about that when she took money to go on holiday last year.

WateryTart · 20/03/2017 11:02

If she doesn't pay then ensure she knows that next year's holiday is all on her.

whattodowiththepoo · 20/03/2017 11:02

YANBU your finances aren't her business and if you had an agreement she is a shitty person for going back on it.
All you can really do is refuse to contribute to her hollidays in the future and never forget she fucked you out of money.

whattodowiththepoo · 20/03/2017 11:04

Also you will have lots of people commenting projecting themselves in to the situation, ignore them. You had an arrangement she agreed when it benefited her and went back on it when she had to pay up.

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