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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is nosey from dh's ex wife.

224 replies

AmazingJane67 · 20/03/2017 09:48

We have saved to take the dc to Florida this year dd17, ds16, ds7, dd5, ds3 and dss16 dd15.

I am a stay at home mum because of dd5 and ds3. This means dh is paying for the whole holiday. Dh ex has agreed to the holiday (its 4 weeks so most of summer break.) We asked her to pay half the cost for her dc as last year dh paid the whole cost of the holiday for her to go away with them. This was told to her when dh gave her the money for the holiday. It works out less then the cost of the holiday and she has had a year to save. She is now refusing to pay dh and has said that I should pay half and that I am not contributing to the cost of the holiday.

I must make a note dh and ex take in turns to take dc away every year so dh one year, ex the next.

Aibu to think she should mind her own business about finances and me.

OP posts:
GreyStars · 20/03/2017 10:11

I think I have the facts correct...

OP's DH paid for a holiday for his-DC x2 and his Ex last year, on agreement she paid for her DC only on the OPs trip this year, which happens to comes to less than the cost of the holiday that OPs husband paid last year.

Not sure if he is the RP, SC or NRP, that only makes a difference if he is the NRP and he "took" the money he gave her for the holiday out of maintenance payments, assuming that is not the case, yes she should bloody pay, half of the holiday for her children because it was agreed.

It is absolutely none of of her business how your finances work, none of her business at all.

BitchQueen90 · 20/03/2017 10:12

Your personal finances are none of her business, no. But if my ex said to me he would be taking his kids with his new wife away but only take mine if I paid half I'd tell him to fuck off. That is unfair.

Equally though I would not expect an ex to pay for me and my DS to go away. Maybe in future have an agreement that when you and your DH take the kids away then he pays and if she wants to take them away she pays for it herself. That's what I do with my ex.

Annesmyth123 · 20/03/2017 10:13

The op doesn't say they asked and it was agreed last year.

She says they "told" the ex. Which is, in my view, different.

Afterthestorm · 20/03/2017 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitchQueen90 · 20/03/2017 10:13

Just reread - though if she previously agreed to pay half and is now refusing then yes she is BU.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 10:13

Also, where did she take them last year that cost more than a month in Florida? The moon?

Eatingcheeseontoast · 20/03/2017 10:14

My DH has paid for his ex to take the kids away on holiday (back to her home country - expensive) so they could stay in touch with grandparents, relatives etc.

I've always been a bit torn about it as it meant he couldn't afford to take them away as often and I've also thought, why the hell are we paying for her holiday!?

Annesmyth123 · 20/03/2017 10:15

And damn right if you were asking me to pay half I'd be saying well who's paying for her kids is her ex paying half.

I know I'd have no obligation to know Grin but those words would definitely be right at the front of my brain and I'd struggle not to let them come out of my mouth.

ems137 · 20/03/2017 10:15

I think it's a strange arrangement but that's your business. She has no right to comment on your financial business and I assume she's not being asked to contribute to half the holiday, only half of her children's costs?

Anyway it probably comes down to jealousy. My exH is always passing comments to our children about how I've paid for things. He even had the cheek to ask our 7 year old how I paid for my car, did I pay out of my bank or get a loan!! Erm I don't drink, smoke or rarely buy myself anything unlike him.

GreyStars · 20/03/2017 10:16

I take "told, when giving her the money"

As

Here is £X amount, to pay for you to go on holiday with the DC, it is on agreement that next year when we take DC on holiday you pay half of their visits"

By taking the money to pay for her holiday, she entered into that agreement.

She didn't have to take the money

GreyStars · 20/03/2017 10:16

Trip not visits

Annesmyth123 · 20/03/2017 10:18

Of course she didn't have to take the money last year, but it really all depends on how the discussion was worded in my view.

It's really odd to be paying for the other parents holiday one way or another and it would be much much simpler if everyone just paid their own

Why should she subsidise your children, who she has nothing to do with, she's not related to, going on holiday?

4 if not 5 of the kids are yours. Why should she subsidise their holiday? Unless, of course, your husbands ex also took 5 kids unrelated to him on the holiday last year.

WorraLiberty · 20/03/2017 10:19

It'd be nice if the OP came back to clarify some of the points raised.

paxillin · 20/03/2017 10:20

Well she doesn't pay this year so dh doesn't have to pay next year, sorted. One less source of grief and strive. Does your ex pay half for his dc?

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 10:20

She didn't have to accept money to take the kids away last year, no. But it is wrong for her ex to be prepared to fund 100% of holidays for his kids with the OP and for her children, but to only be prepared to go halves when it comes to his kids with her, isn't it?

Annesmyth123 · 20/03/2017 10:21

7 kids are going on holiday. 5 of them have nothing to do with the ex wife.

2 have another parent - the ex wife - who is being asked to contribute towards their cost.

2 if not 3 also have another parent. Is that parent also being asked to contribute half their cost?

harderandharder2breathe · 20/03/2017 10:21

It's a stupid agreement that they pay for each other to take DC away, when they have no control over the budget. It would be nice for her to contribute since he paid for the holiday last year. But you can't force it.

DH and ex both to pay to take their children away in their year, stop the contributing to each other's holiday.

And yes she should keep her nose out of your finances

WannaBe · 20/03/2017 10:22

Quite aside from the fact that a month in Florida for eight people must be costing upwards of about 20 grand, the way I see it is like this:

The dh is paying half of the cost of his children and his ex the other half. The dh is also paying for the two children he has with the OP, and presumably the DH and the OP's ex are paying half each towards the OP's children.

So actually, as sahm, the OP isn't contributing anything financially towards this holiday not even for the cost of her own children.

No, their finances might not be any of the ex's business, and as a sahm the money may be considered to be joint but I can see where the ex is coming from.

If my eXH told me to contribute half towards a month in Florida which I wouldn't be attending I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if he wants to take DS on holiday then he pays for it, otherwise DS won't be going.

You're all separated now, you need separate finances. This idea of paying for half the children's holiday is ludicrous.

Inertia · 20/03/2017 10:22

Can't say what's right here, without knowing the details of the arrangements for child maintenance etc when they split up.

If your DH wants to take all of the children away, then really it's his responsibility to save up. It sounds as though the agreement to share the costs of holidays in alternate years has worked up until now- did the ExWife know what the costs of the Florida holiday would be before agreeing? She might have thought she was agreeing to e.g. paying half the cost of a week in Butlins, not four weeks in Florida.

Your DH is going to have to finance the holiday for all of the children, but that will obviously have a knock on effect for next year - he's unlikely to be able to pay for Ex and DC to go away next year if he's still paying off Florida.

What's the situation with the father of your older children?

August1984 · 20/03/2017 10:22

If she agreed to taking money from you for your step child (i read it as she took her one child away last year, not all of yours and DH's) on the basis of paying for expenses for her child this year, she should cough up. After that i think you should revert to paying for your own holidays. I understand the arrangement benefited you slightly as you have many children to pay for and she only has the one that i can see, but it leads to issues like this.

As for saying that you as his partner should be paying half, that's really none of her business, is it!

itsmine · 20/03/2017 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArchNotImpudent · 20/03/2017 10:24

We asked her to pay half the cost for her dc as last year dh paid the whole cost of the holiday for her to go away with them. This was told to her when dh gave her the money for the holiday.

Did she know at this point how expensive the holiday was going to be? Did she have an opportunity to back out when she found out it was a 4-week Florida trip, before everything was booked? If yes to both, YANBU.

Dumbo412 · 20/03/2017 10:24

What?
You cannot expect her to pay half of the holiday he is taking their child on.

No way.

Equally, why is he paying for her to go on holiday?

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 10:26

So actually, as sahm, the OP isn't contributing anything financially towards this holiday not even for the cost of her own children

Rubbish. As a SAHP, her DH's salary is hers as well.

TreeTop7 · 20/03/2017 10:27

If she's struggling financially and working, she might feel aggrieved that her DC dad is taking the children of his SAHM wife to Florida. Obviously, if your ex husband is contributing, that's a moot point.

I'm not taking sides - I don't know the facts, she may be comfortably-off for all I know -I'm just pointing out what she may be thinking.