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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DD go topless in the swimming pool

217 replies

Morphene · 17/03/2017 23:27

Going swimming on Sunday and I suspect DD will want to wear just the shorts of her shorts and top swimming outfit....she asked to take the top off last time we went swimming but we were in a place with slides so I could justify keeping it on. This week there won't be slides so I've got to decide what to do.

DD is 5 yo so absolutely no reason she shouldn't go topless (not that there is ever really a sound reason women shouldn't go topless if they want to), and I don't want to send any body shame ideas her way. I am worried that someone else will tell her she should wear a top though. Either a lifeguard or an interfering busy body, and it will be worse coming from them than me.

So should I bury my morals and tell her to wear the top / make some excuse up etc. or let her go without and run the risk someone else body shames her more transparently than I will?

Do you think anyone will say anything?

She has long hair so people will likely pick her as a girl.

OP posts:
SoulAccount · 18/03/2017 08:40

SmilingSarahb: I was thinking the same thing.

I am an older MNer, I think, having had my kids late and they are now teens, and when I was a child it was perfectly normal for girls to just wear shorts or pants on the beach (or in the park) until the very moment beasts began to develop.

On the other hand you couldn't even buy a bikini for a pre pubescent child.

And it was usual / normal for grown women to be topless on any European (non U.K.) beach. I don't see British holiday makers doing that anymore.

I think it is part fear of pardophiles and part early sexualisation of children and seeing unclothedness as more to do with sexual behaviour than we used to.

Next time anyone asks why little girls in U.K. Schools wear hijab, think back to this conversation. About little girls adopting / preparing for the cultural norms of adult women, even before the cultural requirement is reached. That there might be 'issues' in a swimming lesson if a 5 year old wears less, that people may think things...

SoulAccount · 18/03/2017 08:41

(I hate seeing small girls in bikinis)

witsender · 18/03/2017 08:41

Like these
tuclothing.sainsburys.co.uk/p/Boys-Multicoloured-Star-Pattern-Swim-Shorts-2-Pack-/130536532-MultiColoured
They're fab, i buy a couple of packs each each year and they live in them. With rash vests on really hot days.

longestlurkerever · 18/03/2017 08:44

But people were also less sun-aware in the 1970s and 1980s. I don't like my girls wearing just pants on a sunny day as I worry about them burning. I'd buy cover-ups if I had boys too. Obviously that doesn't translate to the swimming pool but the only costume dd2 has is a sun-cover up. Seems weird to buy her a different one just so people don't think I'm covering her up unnecessarily.

Lonnika123 · 18/03/2017 08:44

For goodness you are all overthinking. There are expectations at places on how we should dress at certain places it is as simple as that. If you don't conform to that people will talk as is human nature. I doubt anyone will say anything to your face but they will raise eyebrows behind your back. Why you just don't buy a swimming costume is beyond me - problem solved.

witsender · 18/03/2017 08:47

I think you're over thinking tbh. I let my daughter wear what is comfortable, practical and decent. End of thought process.

She doesn't have breasts. Ergo, no need for top in public pool.

Billybonkers76 · 18/03/2017 08:47

I don't have an issue with girls in bikinis, or swimsuits or just shorts. Surely it's up to them what they want to wear? I won't stop my daughter wearing a bikini because someone else thinks it will "sexualise" her. She's 8 ffs, should I stop her because of what other people may think? Just as bad as saying OPs daughter should wear a tip because of what other people think. If you think a bikini sexualises a little girl I'd question your issues!

relaxitllbeok · 18/03/2017 08:47

longestlurkerever said what I was preparing to say. Give her the choice, or if you decide you would be too uncomfortable with her not wearing a top then don't give her a choice, but use it as an opportunity to start talking about social convention and the issues that arise when you think about whether to go along with it or not.

Prometheus · 18/03/2017 08:48

Of course she shouldn't wear a top unless she wants to. I'm flabbergasted that people think she should cover. No need to cover up until puberty. This wasn't even an issue in the 1980s when I was growing up. No girl wore a top on the beach or in the swimming pool.

Orangetoffee · 18/03/2017 08:51

She is 5, she doesn't need a top!

user1483972886 · 18/03/2017 08:53

Personally I don't like bikinis on little girls. To me they look trashy.

DD 6 is happy to be naked or just in her pants on the beach. I don't stop her I want her to enjoy the freedom whilst she can.

itsmine · 18/03/2017 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lonnika123 · 18/03/2017 08:59

So to all you people saying you let your children what they like? What do you do about school uniform?

cdtaylornats · 18/03/2017 08:59

That would be a Batgirl or Batwoman suit

to let DD go topless in the swimming pool
Lonnika123 · 18/03/2017 09:00

what about school swimming lessons for 7 year olds - would you send your daughter in just bottoms? If not why not?

Runningissimple · 18/03/2017 09:01

My dd went 'topless' until she was about around 6/7. I never gave it a second thought. No one ever commented. Actually she wore little surf shorts like her brother, so I think most people assumed she was a boy. She outgrew wanting to do it long before it became a social issue.

Because I had a boy in the middle of 2 girls, my kids' clothes were fairly gender neutral in the early days tho... I'm quite amused by some of the responses on this thread Grin

SoulAccount · 18/03/2017 09:01

Why would you put a child in a bikini top that is specifically designed to cover and support breasts?

Except to look like a grown up? And wear grown up breast clothing?

Is it to cover their nipples? Look 'fashionable '? Because they want to look 'grown up' I.e wear clothes that cover breasts?

What is the point?

witsender · 18/03/2017 09:03

School uniform is different (i don't agree with it anyway but that is besides the point). There is no uniform in a pool. My nearly 7 has been to her lessons in her swim shorts and no-one bats an eye. Why would they? I'm struggling to imagine the conversation tbh.

"Excuse me, your daughter needs a top"
"Why?"
"For decency"
"Ah ok, are her non existent breasts inherently more offensive and likely to appeal to a paedophile than the non existent breasts of the 6 yr old boy next to her?"
"Yes"
"Ah ok then, now i see your logic." Confused

Notjustuser1458393875 · 18/03/2017 09:05

My daughter often wears just pants on the beach (she's 5). We live by the beach and after school pretty much the whole school heads to it - mixture of costumes, rash vests and just pants, boys and girls. I wouldn't blink an eye at a girl in a swimming pool without a top on at 5/6/7. I am mystified by some of the responses on this thread. And of course I'd let my child wear just bottoms in a swimming lesson - in fact the other day her father took her to one thinking she was wearing her suit already. She wasn't, so the teacher lent her some shorts and she swam in those.

Lonnika123 · 18/03/2017 09:06

Wit sender would you send her to school swimming lessons in just shorts. I actually struggle to believe that anyone would just not buy their daughter a costume for lessons. I come from a big swimming family, no body shaming issues here my DD 15 a highly competiti swimmer who gets changed in poolside (with a towel - of course) in the 11 years I have watched lessons I have NEVER seen a 5 year old girl who is just wearing bottoms or shorts

longestlurkerever · 18/03/2017 09:08

So to all you people saying you let your children what they like? What do you do about school uniform?

I'm in the minority among my parent-friends but I don't like school uniform. Dd's is pretty relaxed, which on the one hand is good, because I can see no justification at all for making 5 year olds wear a shirt and tie like we used to have to, but on the other hand there are enough parameters for dd to argue against and moan about if her exact requirements for the particular day aren't available, so it doesn't help on the "it saves arguments about what to wear" front - at least not that outweighs the time taken to hairdryer damp T shirts dry or chase after mistakenly swapped over fleeces etc.

And the "it stops people standing out for having less money/ different clothes" argument I find topsy-turvy. In no other branch of life is the first response so bullying or divisive behaviour to try and iron out differences at the victim-end. Where would that end? Dying red hair? Other countries seem to manage fine without uniforms.

So in answer to your question - I tend to approach it on a fairly relaxed basis and say to dd that she runs the risk of being told off at school if she pushes the boundaries too far, but leave it at that. She's always pointing out what other people do as justification (eg so and so wore a non-school cardi and they didn't get told off) and while normally I would say I don't care what other people do and my rules apply to her, that doesn't really apply when I don't really agree with the reasons behind the rule myself.

scanbran · 18/03/2017 09:09

I don't see the problem in her wearing only bottoms at 5.

The girl is always dressed in bloody dresses or skirts and the mum follows her around fussing about whether her top has fallen up exposing her midriff, or her skirts gone up showing her knickers, or her stupid shiny impractical shoes have fallen off again.

^ Be careful though that you don't unwillingly pass on the attitude to your dd that "bloody dresses" or "stupid shiny impractical shoes" are wrong to wear. That paragraph makes you sound a bit sanctimonious tbh.

treaclesoda · 18/03/2017 09:09

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe when i read these threads. Where I live I never see little girls in just bottoms, on the beach or in a pool, and I don't see naked children of either sex on the beach. In fact I remember the first time we took our kids to a beach in England and dh and I were so shocked when the family next to us stripped their child naked to paddle in the sea.

I'm in my 40s and covering up was definitely the norm when I was a child too. We have loads of family photos at the beach, back to the 1960s (older siblings) and there are no naked kids in the background or girls wearing just bottoms.

Having said all that, if she doesn't want to wear a top and you don't want her to wear a top, and the swimming pool allow it (my local pool wouldn't) then it's fine for her to not wear a top.

Lonnika123 · 18/03/2017 09:10

Not to out myself I have a very good knowledge of other countries approach to school uniform and not having it causes huge issues

CecilyP · 18/03/2017 09:12

I doubt anyone will say anything to your face but they will raise eyebrows behind your back.

What on earth would they be raising eyebrows about? I was going to tell OP she was being daft ... now I'm not so sure!

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