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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DD go topless in the swimming pool

217 replies

Morphene · 17/03/2017 23:27

Going swimming on Sunday and I suspect DD will want to wear just the shorts of her shorts and top swimming outfit....she asked to take the top off last time we went swimming but we were in a place with slides so I could justify keeping it on. This week there won't be slides so I've got to decide what to do.

DD is 5 yo so absolutely no reason she shouldn't go topless (not that there is ever really a sound reason women shouldn't go topless if they want to), and I don't want to send any body shame ideas her way. I am worried that someone else will tell her she should wear a top though. Either a lifeguard or an interfering busy body, and it will be worse coming from them than me.

So should I bury my morals and tell her to wear the top / make some excuse up etc. or let her go without and run the risk someone else body shames her more transparently than I will?

Do you think anyone will say anything?

She has long hair so people will likely pick her as a girl.

OP posts:
1horatio · 18/03/2017 00:22

rambunctiously in case people see their knickers.

Why?

Original poster
Morphene · 18/03/2017 00:23

To clarify, Its a T-shirt / rash vest type top with shorts she has. I don't even know how a bikini top is supposed to stay the right way round when you have no breasts whatsoever.

OP posts:
brasty · 18/03/2017 00:24

As a child I went topless till about 10 if it was very hot.

Plunkette · 18/03/2017 00:26

Both my DD and my DS have always worn tops at the pool and at the beach, even in our own pool.

However if you are happy that your DD doesn't, that's fine. Just agree an appropriate response with her if challenged.

lavenderandrose · 18/03/2017 00:26

In all honesty swimming pools tend to be quite traditional: if it was the beach it wouldn't matter, but I have never personally seen any little girls topless and I am a keen swimmer.

It probably will elicit raised eyebrows. If you don't care, that's fine, but I don't think it will go unnoticed.

Original poster
Morphene · 18/03/2017 00:27

1horatio lord knows. It drives me nuts. There is one girl my DD plays with and they love to do gymnastics, tag and climbing together. The girl is always dressed in bloody dresses or skirts and the mum follows her around fussing about whether her top has fallen up exposing her midriff, or her skirts gone up showing her knickers, or her stupid shiny impractical shoes have fallen off again.

One day I will simply scream 'either put her in some practical clothes or leave her the hell alone'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morphene · 18/03/2017 00:28

lavender hmm see that's what I'm worried about. Tbh I don't think DD will notice eyebrows, so long as noone actually comments.

OP posts:
1horatio · 18/03/2017 00:29

Yeah, but some girls do get put in bikini tops that age.

For imo strange reasons.

Well, in case of a rash vest... If it's outside there's the argument of sun exposure.

But generally speaking? I hoestly can't understand why she should wear a top.

CaptainWarbeck · 18/03/2017 00:29

I can't see an issue with this either. Let her go topless, there's nothing to cover. I'd let her be unselfconscious like this for as long as possible.

Original poster
Morphene · 18/03/2017 00:30

outside she would be wearing the all in one to avoid sunburn (very fair skin). In an indoor pool this isn't a problem.

OP posts:
1horatio · 18/03/2017 00:30

1horatio lord knows. It drives me nuts. There is one girl my DD plays with and they love to do gymnastics, tag and climbing together. The girl is always dressed in bloody dresses or skirts and the mum follows her around fussing about whether her top has fallen up exposing her midriff, or her skirts gone up showing her knickers, or her stupid shiny impractical shoes have fallen off agai

GAH! I hate that so much.

Seriously, you think a child flashing her knickers (accidentally, when playing or something) is awful? Make sure that girl is wearing trousers/shorts.

Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 00:30

Morphine "we've all been trained to hide our bits and feel ashamed if people see them in unusual contexts."

You may feel ashamed, or feel that that is how you have been made to feel but I do not. I am not ashamed of my body but I may still wish to cover it up.

I cover my body for protection, not just from cold but from heat, from all manor of things. Yes, some of it is cultural. No, not all cultural things are good. Not all things that we would call sexist are cultural.

You may feel this is a body shaming issue for you but it is not for all of us.

"but I have many times felt ashamed or embarrassed at being seen naked myself." IMHO this is a self esteem issue. This is the way patriarchy makes us feel. But it is not due to lack of exposing our bodies, IMHO.

But I do think this is an interesting topic. I know it is not clear cut, at least to me.

1horatio · 18/03/2017 00:31

not you you, of course.

NuffSaidSam · 18/03/2017 00:32

You're over thinking this.

Let her wear what she wants (within reason, obviously say no if she wants to wear wellies and a dressing gown in the pool).

Unless you live in Stepford people will be wearing all manner of things. You will see women and girls in one piece suits and bikinis and tankinis. You may even see women in the burkini (leggins and long top). You will see boys in shorts, in small trunks, in tops, maybe even in long bottoms and tops. When DD asks why they're dressed differently you tell her the truth..'because that's what they want to wear/feel comfortable in'. If anyone comments you tell her the truth...'they are being nosy. Everyone can wear what they like at the pool'.

My DD has always worn a one piece - her choice. DS3 always wears long shorts. DS1 always wears shorts and a top. DS4 wear shorts, sometimes with a top, sometimes without.

Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 00:33

I was going to say sunblock. My kids are usually in all in one suits things in the sun because it is just easier (one boy, one girl). The boy has a superhero all in one, I bet your dd would love it. I was going to link to it but it said "boys all in one swim suit" or something annoyingly similar.

Tell us how it goes. Thanks

PitilessYank · 18/03/2017 00:34

The only reason I might advocate for a top at that age would be to lessen sun exposure. I might buy children of that age sun-protectant swim outfits.

I don't know if the pool is outdoors, though.

VestalVirgin · 18/03/2017 00:43

Easier to accept someone with a womb is a boy than to accept someone with a womb would go topless while thinking of themselves as a girl eh?

So it appears. The world has gone crazy.

Hm, back when I didn't wear tops, I also wore the same shorts as my brother. (Literally, even, I think, though obviously not at the same time. I didn't have designated "girl" ones)

Buy her blue shorts and hope everyone just assumes she's a boy? I mean, at 5 years, how would they know?

VestalVirgin · 18/03/2017 00:48

In all honesty swimming pools tend to be quite traditional: if it was the beach it wouldn't matter, but I have never personally seen any little girls topless and I am a keen swimmer.

Really? Or have you only not seen any small long-haired children topless?

When I was five, I had short hair, too. Just saying. (I was pretty enough to be recognized as girl nevertheless, my parents claim, but then, that was before the gendercraze and many girls looked like that)

blubberball · 18/03/2017 01:19

People at the pool should really mind their own bloody business if they dared to make a comment about if a 5 year old is wearing a top or not. I don't think that any one would even notice though.

STFU · 18/03/2017 04:22

or that there is ever really a sound reason women shouldn't go topless if they want to

Are you being obtuse? Breast, vaginas, willys and balls and bums are specific things. I'd hold a 5 year old girl's hand but not put my hand on her chest. It sounds like you wouldn't have an issue with it.

Men in patriarchy don't deserve to see my breasts.

I wish I had the confidence to imagine that every man seeing my breasts was in for a treat.

no problem with that if you'd also insist a boy wears a top

Really? Our bodies are different. Hadn't you realised. 5 year old M and F bodies are still different.

I certainly wouldn't comment on another child but do think a 5 year old girl should have her chest covered.

How about skinny dipping. What's the problem with that?

What will you tell her if she asks why you aren't topless?

when boys don't have to is both sexist and body shaming.

Nope. If there's one thing I've learnt about modern feminism from MN, it's that being treated equally does not mean treating everybody the same. fuck men!

Breasts are sexual organs. If you don't have a problem with my DH swimming in the same pool as your children with his cock and balls swinging around then I'd support you. From what I've read though, you'd see that as the patriarchy and privilege making you feel uncomfortable and violated.

showmeislands · 18/03/2017 04:40

She is 5, I would have no problem with her not wearing a top.

BBCNewsRave · 18/03/2017 04:55

STFU
Breasts are sexual organs.

Erm, no they're not. They're not even organs! Can't be bothered to deal with your batshittery now though. OP, can you explain it to her in the context of girls needing to wear tops even though its a silly rule? iyswim

TrueBlueDem · 18/03/2017 05:15

This is an interesting convo! I have all boys but if I had a girl I think I would like her top covered, if for no other reason than I am paranoid about pedophiles or creeps etc. It's totally true that 5 year old's really have nothing to cover... my parents were hippies (I was a child of the late 70's and 80's) and ran around the house topless and in my underwear until I started getting boobs around 9 or 10 and my mom said I had to start wearing a shirt (lol). But I would never have been allowed to go topless in public (at beach or pool)...we're American tho and it's more conservative here about those things than in Europe. My family wasn't conservative about it, but the greater community was/is, if that makes sense.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 18/03/2017 05:19

When I was a child and reached the age of wanting to cover up, I was told I was being daft, it's no different to my brothers being shirtless. That was in a different age though, which we're seeing historic enquiries about now.

I'm guessing DD is completely flat chested, I know it might sound absurd, but if she's a bit chubby, boys and girls can look like they have breast tissue when they don't.

Personally I would advocate she keeps it on to keep warm, or in the summer for protection from the sun. Maybe get some crop tops? I think I might sound a bit OTT, so I think ultimately it's your judgement on it.