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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DD go topless in the swimming pool

217 replies

Morphene · 17/03/2017 23:27

Going swimming on Sunday and I suspect DD will want to wear just the shorts of her shorts and top swimming outfit....she asked to take the top off last time we went swimming but we were in a place with slides so I could justify keeping it on. This week there won't be slides so I've got to decide what to do.

DD is 5 yo so absolutely no reason she shouldn't go topless (not that there is ever really a sound reason women shouldn't go topless if they want to), and I don't want to send any body shame ideas her way. I am worried that someone else will tell her she should wear a top though. Either a lifeguard or an interfering busy body, and it will be worse coming from them than me.

So should I bury my morals and tell her to wear the top / make some excuse up etc. or let her go without and run the risk someone else body shames her more transparently than I will?

Do you think anyone will say anything?

She has long hair so people will likely pick her as a girl.

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 18/03/2017 07:40

But for me part of caring for children is helping them to fit in and eventually most girls do not go topless in our culture.

See i see my job as teaching them they do not need to fit in, different is good, and to have the self confidence to make there own decisions, not ones based on other people's opinions.

I had a mother who "helped me fit in". Everything was based around what others might think. it did not work out well as i soonrealised we are not a homogenous mass and what one group thinks is different to anothers. So i barely do anything for fear of being judged.

Footle · 18/03/2017 07:49

My 11yr old grandson has very long hair , swim shorts , and definitely no suggestion of moobs. Can be quite funny seeing the double-takes of other swimmers trying to work this out.

CMamaof4 · 18/03/2017 07:58

Stfu, Funny how u turn into a dr, Diagnosing me with "paedofear" and have learnt so much about my life of "paranoia" from two posts I have put up on one topic...

Your not judgemental at all are you...

witsender · 18/03/2017 08:00

My daughter is nearly 7 and normally wears a one piece at the public pool, but is normally just in bottoms or swim shorts on the beach (we're there every day in summer) or at my parents pool. If she decided she wanted to wear the same at the public pool (she packs her own bag) it wouldn't bother me, it is no different to the beach.

witsender · 18/03/2017 08:01

Apart from rash vests, she often wears one of those too i guess

STFU · 18/03/2017 08:05

CMao

You know 'peadofear' isn't a real thing Drs recognise, don't you?

SwearingMakesEverythingBetter · 18/03/2017 08:09

Just as an aside, 100 years ago or so lots of men wore swimming suits that covered their chests. You must have seen old photos of Edwardians on the beach. So what's regarded as a normal level of covering up can change.

And yes a 5 year old can be topless. Even if you think women's breasts should be covered, she doesn't have any!

CMamaof4 · 18/03/2017 08:09

Its called sarcasm stfu...

I'll leave you to your trolling, I'm off out for the day.

Enjoy...

FumBluff1 · 18/03/2017 08:09

I would find it a little odd, why wouldn't she want to wear the top?

danTDM · 18/03/2017 08:12

Absolutely normal in my local pool which I go to every day in summer.

Last year was the first year I made DD wear a proper costume, she was 7. Up until then it's fine IMO.

Hermanfromguesswho · 18/03/2017 08:16

My 5 year old often wears just the shorts when we go swimming and also to her swimming lessons. No one has ever commented. She's 5, her upper body is no different at all to a boys (who all just wear shorts)

user1483972886 · 18/03/2017 08:19

I prefer both my kids to wear all in ones. Keeps then warm and safe from the sun. I certainly wouldn't point out a 5 year old not wearing a top. Any who does is being an @rse.

Lonnika123 · 18/03/2017 08:20

Maybe not to your face Herman. It is unacceptable for swimming lessons and just plain odd. My DS has just participated in swimming lessons at school. 7 years old all the girls wore costumes obviously as that is the 'proper' thing to do at a public pool

smilingsarahb · 18/03/2017 08:24

This is one of those subtle cultural changes that happen without people noticing. I have pictures of me aged 2-7 on the beaches in the 70s and early 80s and 80% of kids in the background are just in their pants...girls and boys alike. A few have actual bathers on. Now its really rare to see a girl without a top and lots of kids are in uv body suits. Society has become really fearful of paedophiles and our solution seems to be to make girls cover up more and more.

witsender · 18/03/2017 08:24

People can say whatever they like behind my back tbh Lonnika, why would that bother me? It is entirely their issue and nowt to do with me. As long as my daughter is decent, she can wear what she likes. I can guarantee her swimming teacher would feel the same.

Porpoiselife · 18/03/2017 08:26

I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I can't speak for everyone in your pool because some people might. It is a bit different to being at the beach.

Couldn't you just buy her a normal swimsuit or a tankini and that solves the problem then. You won't have to worry about someone saying anything to her and upsetting her.

Billybonkers76 · 18/03/2017 08:28

I really think you are making too big a deal about it for a 5 year old. Let her go topless until she doesn't want to or it's inappropriate, don't make it a sexism thing. You are making it a body-shaming issue when it's so much simpler than that.

reallyanotherone · 18/03/2017 08:28

I would find it a little odd, why wouldn't she want to wear the top?

Why would she?

She's 5. Her thought processes as far as clothes go "i like that, it has tigers/flowers/sparkles/dinosaurs or is comfy" and "i dont like that, it doesn't have tigers/flowers/sparkles/dinosaurs or it's not comfy"

A 5 year old does not think that they should wear anything because they should cover up secondary sexual characteristics they don't even have. They don't think they should be covering up because that man may be looking at them and obtain sexual gratification.

Fwiw, o/p, when i grew up in the 70's it was perfectly normal for girls to run round without tops. In fact i think some people thought opposite to today, no top = non sexual child. Put a top on and you are covering up boobs and making the child a sexual being.

i hated that my mother would buy bikinis and not let me wear the tops, it was a novelty thing though, i liked the strings and ties, and "outfit". It was nothing to do with covering up, if i did wear the top i got bored as soon as it got wet and uncomfortable and take it off.

What i do hate is small kids in bikinis, having a whale of time, so the top rumples up above or below the nipples. Just take it off.

WinnieFosterTether · 18/03/2017 08:30

I find it odd that you felt you had to justify your decision to her last time. She's 5. That's not about patriarchy. It's about parenting. Although, arguably, in a way it is about patriarchy. It's about you being conditioned to bow to requests for more information and to try to people please I would be wary of creating a pattern with your 5-yr-old that if they question and argue, you capitulate.
As for the 'wearing a top' issue, I doubt most people will care if she is wearing a top or not.
fwiw it's rare to see any DCs under about 8 with a bare chest in our swimming pool. Both the boys and girls wear all-in-one suits. It's too cold for anything else.

gabsdot · 18/03/2017 08:31

Personally I'd rather see a little girl in just bottoms than in bottoms and a bikini top covering non existent boobs.
IMO that is more sexualising.

Lonnika123 · 18/03/2017 08:31

Just buy a swimming costume. Bikinis are for adults IMO. Swimming lessons for girls without a top is wring and wouldn't be allowed where I live.

CecilyP · 18/03/2017 08:33

I would find it a little odd, why wouldn't she want to wear the top?

Perhaps for the same reason men and boys no longer wear tops, as my 90 year old uncle did in the snaps I have seen of him when he was a small boy.

longestlurkerever · 18/03/2017 08:34

The thing is you are tying yourself up in knots about dd's potential reaction to other people's judgment. So why not address that head on? There are societal expectations about what boys wear too, that are equally illogical. I have said before to dd that of course boys can wear dresses. Often they choose not to because other people might think it's unusual but if they want to they can. So I guess I'd use the same logic in reverse - of course she can wear no top if she likes but she might find someone comments on it. People do comment on things they think are unusual, even if there is no good reason, like boys wearing a dress. It doesn't mean you have to agree with them or do as they say, but you need to be prepared for it.

witsender · 18/03/2017 08:34

We don't buy bikinis, we buy those tightish little shorts from the boys' section. They are so much more practical, complete bottom.coverage while swimming, running around etc. Especially on the beach, saves sand getting everywhere. My son wears them too, funny how practically and comfort is number one consideration for boys yet style and covering up non existent breasts is number one for girls.

Giddyaunt18 · 18/03/2017 08:35

Nothing wrong with it at all at 5. but if you're going to worry just get her a swimsuit instead.