To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

As a one off no I would not prevent him doing this and I would support him. Unless there is a very good reason you could not cope for this period.

yanbu

It's way too much. No way would I agree to this. How selfish of him. I bet you wouldn't get an expensive three month trip in return.

Well as long as you're planning on a 3 month yoga retreat next year leaving him home to look after his children I'd have no problem. If not I'd ask him to wait until the children are older.

Let him go on the condition he takes mil. .

It's fine as long as you get 3 months off before he goes.

If he waits till the children are older he may not be physically fit enough. In addition if it's something he has always wanted to do, unless good reason I think it would be very sad to deny him that opportunity.

YANBU. No way would I support that. Aside from practical help 3 months is a very long time to spend away from your dad especially at 6 years old! I'm sure if he did it you would all survive as single parent families do but you're not a single parent and you shouldn't have to do without dad/DH for that long unless it's unavoidable.

I wouldn't agree to it.

I think it's selfish; he should wait until the children are older if he really wants to do it.

And I don't think 'causes' are a good argument for any trips like this. They're personal jollies. If someone really wants to support a cause, pull out your chequebook, quietly write a cheque, and don't tell everyone and their mother about how great you are because you donated on facebook.

No you're not being precious - I have 3 children that are 11, 9 and 6 they're still work . Is it actually work for him or is it a hobby/ charitable venture thing? I'd quite like to go to somewhere sunny for 3 months without my kids and I could do with 2 weeks getting ready for it. That would be a lifetime opportunity to me, am quite sure my husband and my kids would do more than raise an eyebrow.

How much is this going to cost including time off work and annual leave?

WIFI at the North Pole

If he waits till the children are older he may not be physically fit enough. In addition if it's something he has always wanted to do, unless good reason I think it would be very sad to deny him that opportunity.

I wouldn't! He should have done it before having kids or only had two kids then done it when the youngest was old enough if it was that important to him. There are loads of trips I may never be able to go on because I've chosen to have children and you need to make sacrifices when you have a family.

Partners in the forces are working to earn money for their families, this is a jaunt.

I think I'd agree to it

I'd hate for the future me to regret it.... fast forward to your 80's. Would you look back and think those 3 months would be nothing compared to the lifetime together you have had?

its a once in a lifetime chance

yabu

It's a tough one!

I can cope practically because as I say, he's away a lot with work anyway. But even this week, he's been away for 3 nights and youngest DD is always asking when he's back, particularly at bedtimes. Also MIL is a very, very difficult woman and DH will not even be here at weekends to take the pressure off there. It's the emotional support more than the practical, I would miss.
But he's 45, he has always worked extremely hard - he's saying his life is half over, that kind of thing.

It's a tough one, on one hand it's obviously the trip of a life time BUT 3 months is a long time to be away and leave you with responsibility for the children. Suppose you got taken seriously ill, would you be able to get hold of him/would he be able to get back? Plus, isn't it a little dangerous? Or am I being naive, I don't know much about polar expeditions except for Captain Scott et al.

Also, what about the cost? I can't imagine this trip would come cheap, obviously you can afford it or he wouldn't be considering the trip at all, but couldn't the money be better spent on something that benefits the whole family?

I'd tell him to go. Yes, its a lot but its not like he's off to Benidorm with his mates for 3 months. Its the North Pole. They have wifi there and he can talk to the kids every day.

Just have a good plan of attack in place. What's the situation with the MIL? Can boundaries be set? Does she need help?

Financially, can he go for 3 months?

Regarding the practicalities: Can you as a family afford for him to essentially not be working for 3 months? What of childcare and will you be able to wrangle 4 dc to their various activities etc?
I think when you have a child, let alone 4, your desires should take 2nd place - whether or not it's a 'once in a lifetime opportunity' is neither here nor there - the fact is he is a father of 4 and a husband with commitments.

Bloody hell and there was me feeling selfish for wanting to do a 14 day cycle in Peru I love a good challenge, all for fundraising and promoting a worthy cause, but fuck me 3 months when you have young children at home (not to mention the risk, financial impact of time off work?) is taking the piss imo. I think you need to put the onus back on him ie he is unreasonable for suggesting it rather than you being bad cop for saying no.

Could you give more detail on MIL? It's not fair to expect you to deal with his mother.

How will him not being at work affect family finances?
Can you afford someone to help you more in his absence (au pair, child minder)
Do you have friends and family support?
Is this the only long term trip he would like to do? i.e. is he likely to want to do South Pole if you cope well with this trip?

Is it a dangerous trip? That would probably influence me more than the amount of time.

Unless this expedition is work related, it's a jolly, not a good cause. So, it's selfish of him to want to go for that length of time while the children are this age.

And by work-related, I mean unless he's actually doing something that'll be of use, eg setting up equipment. If he's just travelling there and back, it's a jolly.