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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that this is too much?

745 replies

Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:11

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

OP posts:
Katedotness1963 · 16/03/2017 13:36

I'd say yes. My husband worked on the other side of the world, three months away, one month home for a few years. The kids and I managed fine. And a trip to the North Pole is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

RandomMess · 16/03/2017 13:37

My swanned off for 8 weeks when I was a child I think we were 5 & 7 my mother said never again and tbh I think overall it was BAD thing. It was always about him and his hobbies no-one else got a look in...

mumofmunchkin · 16/03/2017 13:37

Has going to the North Pole been a life long dream, or has he seen this trip and thought "ooh! that looks fun!"?

KickAssAngel · 16/03/2017 13:37

If he wanted a life of daring-do and adventure he should not have had 4 kids, a home, and businesses to run.

He's a real Peter Pan character, isn't he?

Would it even occur to him to do something like sail around the world with his family ? OR trek the Amazon with his family ? I know people who have done both, so it's possible. But he just wants to bugger off on his own, and leave you dealing with all of his responsibilities.

btw - if I worked at a company where the boss fucked off for 3 months, my work ethic would be "who gives a fuck", so being the boss doesn't make it OK for him to just head off for 3 months. He does have a duty of care towards his employees.

IamFriedSpam · 16/03/2017 13:37

I think th response of " you missed your chance mate, you should have thought of that before we had kids" is not very conducive to a happy marriage.

But the same clearly doesn't apply to OP! Presumably she's not entitled to go backpacking around thailand or be a chalet girl for three months just because she fancies it! Of course there are things you can't do anymore if you choose to marry and have kids.

If no real hardship, the op already accepts she can cope

It's not about coping. It's about the children not seeing their dad for three months for a completely self indulgent reason. I have a close friend whose DH is in the forces and when he went away I can assure it was a huge hardship for her and their two kids. You'd have to a pretty useless dad if your young kids weren't bothered about you being gone for 3 months!

ExitPursuedByUser54321 · 16/03/2017 13:38

I am sitting so hard on the fence my arse looks like a pin cushion from the splinters.

The 'we only pass this way once' part of me says let him go - what a bloody brilliant opportunity - whilst he is young enough to do it and appreciate it.

The practical side says 'tosser, he should put his family first and do it when the children are all grown up.'

I have a friend whose DH is always off on jaunts all over the world - he is 58 and says if he waits he will be too old to do it. She quite enjoys him being away and only has one teenage child.

Notonthestairs · 16/03/2017 13:38

Well, there will be tourists trips to the Moon (and beyond) in the near future. Those will be once in a lifetime trips as well. When do you think he'll feel satisified he's covered everything?
I think I'd nod and wave him off and dampen down my feelings of annoyance (those feelings would then reappear at totally inappropriate moments and situations and cause major arguments, but that just me Grin).

Chinnygirl · 16/03/2017 13:39

I'd agree to it with the provision that he has to sort out MIL because you can't be there for her during that time. And you get a holiday off too.

BaronessBomburst · 16/03/2017 13:39

I think you should point out that when he's old and wheelchair-bound his children will probably care as much about him then as he does about them now.
His call.

IamFriedSpam · 16/03/2017 13:40

in addition I have extremely strong views against spouses controlling their partners.

If anyone is being controlled it's OP. She is being told that for three months she'll be in charge of all of the home responsibilities, she won't get to go away to visit friends for a night because DH won't be there to take care of the kids, won't have a partner to support her in anyway. It'll be difficult for her to continue any hobby of her own because she'll be managing single handedly at home.

I'd love to see the reaction if OP had come on here saying "I want to go on holiday for 3 months but DH isn't keen"

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 13:41

Why presume the op can't do the same? She needs to clarify her home situation, The kids are all in school , so why can't she do whatever bucket list thing she has on her mind?

I do think the assumption her dream would be to be chalet girl as fucking offensive though.

Adamadamant · 16/03/2017 13:41

The question my wife would ask me would be yes you can go as long as I can disappear for 3 months. How would your husband reply to such a question?

Onthecouchagain · 16/03/2017 13:41

A truly once in a lifetime time experience.
I personally wouldn't stop anyone doing something like this.
But i can see why you would worry.

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:42

He did give up mountaineering because I asked him to when I was pregnant with DS1 (this was 14 years ago), but it was also after one of his climbing group had a near fatal accident and it scared him as well as me obviously.
Luckily the DC are quite easy-going. I will be ok. I would mostly be missing him being physically present at some point in the week, I think.
MIL lives down the road because he got her an apartment down there after she widowed. I have to visit her every day, this is how it's panned out. She calls for DH in the night - god knows how I will deal with that if he's not here. She is very paranoid and needy. She won't accept help in the form of cleaners etc, I've gone through about 5 companies but she shouts at the staff they send round and it's embarrassing.

OP posts:
nippey · 16/03/2017 13:42

I'd have no issue with this as long as a solid plan was put in place to enable coping with mother in law and any emergencies that might occur.

Pallisers · 16/03/2017 13:42

I remember you now OP. I think your husband is going to go no matter what.

I think you should look him straight in the eye and say "presumably you believe your children are going to manage fine without you for 3 months and won't be damaged or miss you - you might want to think about what that says about you and your importance in their lives while you sit in the north pole".

Then ask him what arrangements are in place about his mother.

Of course he knows deep down that you will take care of her. He also doesn't really care that much about the children's feelings because he has decided on a certain kind of relationship with them and that is fine with him. But if it were me, I'd like to get it out there.

Alice212 · 16/03/2017 13:43

um....under some circumstances I'd say yes

but this "I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question."

if your DH is the "dust on the door frame" guy - then no. He is selfish enough as it is.

I do get that someone might want to do this and he's probably thinking later isn't a great idea (though a friend of mine did it at 55) but she doesn't have kids. Four kids is a hell of a burden to leave someone while he does this. Maybe if it was one... also sorry to ask but what happens if you get ill or something? I suppose he has to come rushing back when you eventually track him down? I just don't see it's right, I totally get wanting to do it but it's one of things you ponder when you have kids surely, especially 4 of them!!

IamFriedSpam · 16/03/2017 13:43

Why presume the op can't do the same? She needs to clarify her home situation, The kids are all in school , so why can't she do whatever bucket list thing she has on her mind?

Because it would be horrible for the kids and OP's DH works away from home often so would be totally impractical.

FarAwayHills · 16/03/2017 13:43

Why is it men that feel they are the only ones entitled to a mid life crisis. You don't hear of many women considering swanning off for a few months to go on a personal crusade because they wouldn't wish to leave their children and would worry about them. That's the thing with some men, it's their needs first wife and kids come second.

QueenofallIsee · 16/03/2017 13:44

I would be OK with DP doing this (kids are 18, 11, 11 and 10) but I have alot of family support - if I was caring for an elderly relative and my kids mostly alone, I think it would be one heck of a burden to put on my shoulders and I would be less supportive

If you feel tearful and wonder how you would cope then tell him - he loves you and is a father, a decent person would respond to those things accordingly

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/03/2017 13:44

Have you asked him how he intends to mitigate the impact on you and the children? Has he given any thought at all to what he's asking of you all?

Msqueen33 · 16/03/2017 13:45

Hmmm I'm mixed. On the one hand he obviously deserves to do things to fulfil himself but so do you. But you have two children. I would love to travel around the states (not so much whilst trump is in office) and we have three kids 9,7,5. Would I do it? No because I have a responsibility. It does seem on the whole it's the men who "need" to do these trips and the women catch the slack. And somehow women don't feel they could do similar as men would make it difficult. What happens if you say no?

rookiemere · 16/03/2017 13:45

Ok so say you agree to this OP.
Do you think your DH is going to come back and say "Why thank you darling, it was so kind of you to manage all the childcare by yourself and put up with my DM, I really appreciate all you have done and now the wanderlust has worked it's way through my system and I'm happy and content to be at home. By the way shall we have a marvellous family holiday and would you like a trip by yourself - let me organise it all ?"

Not a chance in heck.

He will come back with countless pictures, videos and monologues about his "arduous challenge". He will then be on to planning the next adventure.

I don't know what the answer is OP as I suspect even if you say no he'll still go. Can he pay for his DM to go on a trip somewhere else? Perhaps she could escort him to base camp and get lost on the way back Grin.

AuldHeathen · 16/03/2017 13:45

Tell him he can go only if he takes his mother with him. She sounds like hard work.

NotStoppedAllDay · 16/03/2017 13:46

I wonder how the kids view it?

What's their opinion? At the ages they are at they may well be supportive and view it as something to be proud of

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