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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that this is too much?

745 replies

Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:11

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:46

I have never been away and left my him with the kids because of his work schedule and also he's not great at being left with them without a plan. MIL is no use and my mother is in Spain.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 13:46

Because it would be horrible for the kids and OP's DH works away from home often so would be totally impractical.

deloresclaiborne · 16/03/2017 13:46

i'd be worried that i might get use to not having him around and things might not be the same when he gets back
but thats probably just me

StrayHairOnMyScreen · 16/03/2017 13:47

I would agree to him going on two conditions:

  1. He sorts out his mother. Because when you're on your own with the kids for that long a stretch you can't reasonably be expected to look after her too.
  1. You get to do something of equivalent awesomeness and with equivalent freedom from responsibility.

You are a partnership. You are his equal. You are not his staff. If he wants to have a mid life crisis at the top of the world for three months he owes you in kind.

ElBandito · 16/03/2017 13:47

What lovely, life enhancing things do you get to do OP? Other than look after his mother for him, of course.

If he has his own companies then he could make time to see her everyday rather than you doing it.

Wellitwouldbenice · 16/03/2017 13:48

He's got 4 kids. So he's got all the commitment and responsibility - and sacrifices, that goes with it. If you decide to have 4 kids then you really are giving up 80 day treks. It's incredibly selfish of him to try to have his cake and eat it.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 13:48

I have never been away and left my him with the kids because of his work schedule and also he's not great at being left with them without a plan.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 16/03/2017 13:48

I have never been away and left my him with the kids because of his work schedule and also he's not great at being left with them without a plan.

This, to me, makes it clear the OP will not get the same consideration in return. Her DH is simply being selfish and thinking of himself.

fuzzyfozzy · 16/03/2017 13:48

I would offer you going to visit your mum in Spain (child free) as a trade for him going. If you give him notice he can manage work.

halcyondays · 16/03/2017 13:49

OP's latest post does not surprise me in the least. Why on earth should he get to bugger off for 3 months on a jolly leaving you with 4 kids and a mil, while she never gets to go anywhere?

whataterriblefuss · 16/03/2017 13:50

I'd let my DH go without a second thought.

Why? Because I know damn well if the situation were reversed, he would move heaven and earth to let me do something that was important to me.

Enabling someone you love to do something they love and that is important to them without making them feel guilty for it is generous, kind and unselfish. It is obviously important, or he wouldn't be asking.

It doesn't have to be tit for tat - you did this, so now I need to do that. It doesn't always have to be fair. BUT the concept has to be fair - Do you KNOW your DH would do the same for you if you wanted to volunteer abroad, climb a mountain etc? (He is clearly able to take a break from work).

If you know that he would (even if you don't do it), then all is well. If he is taking the piss, and there would be no way that he would do the same for you, then probably worth bringing that up.....

It is important to him, and does not have repercussions financially/career wise.

Kids missing him is the biggie, and only you and he can know how much it would affect them, all kids are different. Mine (similar ages) would be fine, as he works away a lot as it is and are used to Skype, FaceTime etc, as a way of keeping in touch when he is not around. He, however, misses them constantly......

If you are in a position where you can afford to do it, surely that is one of the reasons why people work - to enable you and your family to do things that are once in a lifetime opportunities.

A friends DH, a lifetime climber was planning a trip to the Himalayas for a trip of a lifetime (3 months long) for his 50th birthday (his DD's would have been 8 and 10 at the time).

He died of cancer shortly before his 47th birthday.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 13:50

!You are a partnership. You are his equal. You are not his staff. If he wants to have a mid life crisis at the top of the world for three months he owes you in kind.

Msqueen33 · 16/03/2017 13:50

So you can't do anything because of his work commitments? But when he fancies it he can drop his work commitments and swan off? You're caring for four kids plus a hard work mil whilst he goes off? What exactly do you get back from this?

ImperialBlether · 16/03/2017 13:50

I'd say OK he can go if he pays for MIL to go on a round the world cruise for three months. They do exist!

GreenPeppers · 16/03/2017 13:50

I would say as long as he is organising everything so that this will not be too much of a struggle for you.
That means talking to her DM so that you can have a cleaner.
That means checking how often you can talk to him
That means dealing with all the dcs questions as to why he is going as I'm going to miss you
That means also ensuring that you have the same opportunity too to go away for 3 months leaving him to deal with the dcs during that time (I'm pretty sure he would say no to that btw. Not when he is sued to be away whenever he wants and to not have to ever think about his own dcs)

Sorry but before taking a decision like this, as a father, you do need to think about all the family members. And he clearly hasn't thought about the effect on yu or on his dcs.
Nope it's just a fantastic opportunity for him so he should go.
That IS the thing I have most issues with.

If he had come saying I'd love to do that but I know its will be an issue youngest DC, it will hard for you so I thought that maybe if I was doing x and y, this could make it easier. Do yu think that would be enough, what else could I do, would you be happy with that, my answer would have been different.

I do hope we are not talking about the guy with the dust on the top of the door gram though.
Because if it's you, then the answer is a very very clear NO NO

TheFrendo · 16/03/2017 13:51

That is not an expedition it is a holiday. I hope no polar bears get shot as a result of a holiday company pandering to punters' unfulfilled sense of adventure.

The Himalaya would offers better holidays that take less time.

Something like the Khumbu here:
www.jagged-globe.co.uk/climb/exp/nepal.html

Shurleyshummishtake · 16/03/2017 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Olympiathequeen · 16/03/2017 13:52

I think you should let him go but tell him you won't be an emotional support for him mother while he is away.

I would also tell him you want some time out yourself when he gets back and book yourself a very relaxing holiday with a friend. He can pay for the lot and he can look after the children while you relax for 2 weeks. It's the least he can do.

FarAwayHills · 16/03/2017 13:52

So you have never been away because of his work schedule but he can take 3 months off if it's for something he wants to doHmm

AuldHeathen · 16/03/2017 13:52

I think, if he does go, I'd switch the phone off overnight, assuming the dc are all in and okay. That way you don't get disturbed unnecessarily by MIL. After all in a true emergency it would be as easy for her to call 999 or the non-emergency number as phone you. You could even tell everyone this is the plan.

mowglik · 16/03/2017 13:57

OP are you the poster with the well off but absent with his hobbies dh? If so from what I remember you seemed to be playing second fiddle to his life choices, and he did this kind of thing often, going on hobby holidays etc

If so I would agree that he could go provided you had all the extra help you needed to get through the 3 months, and also plan something for yourself, a retreat or hobby that would enable you to get away sometimes too.

I would feel bad if my DH felt this strongly about something and I prevented it but I would make sure it was as easy for me as possible and that he would support me in doing something that I wanted to do.

My DH loves to go on golfing weekends but he makes sure that means I get to go away, go on holiday by myself too and he will pick up the slack in return.

PoorYorick · 16/03/2017 13:57

I'd love to sod off travelling for nearly three months and leave my husband to deal with our child, sick family members and household. Am I allowed to do that if I'm a really high self employed earner?

wickerlampshade · 16/03/2017 13:58

I have to visit her every day, this is how it's panned out.

well you need to stamp on that for a start. I'd suggest that if he gets his Mum sorted then you can cope without him, but not if he doesn't.

cometseekers · 16/03/2017 13:58

I think you probably need to let him go however he needs to put things in place for his mother, its not your responsibility.

WateryTart · 16/03/2017 13:58

He sounds like a selfish prick, OP. And that he's always been that way. I don't understand why he expects you to deal with his mother. That's his job.

Is it ever about you and not him?

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