To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

Hope you don't mind my outing your true identity, OP, but I thought you were looking pretty good today.

In other news...he blamed your period? After you clearly told him that his indifference towards his family is hurting you and starting to damage his kids? Up until now I thought he was just a bit thoughtless, self centred because he's always been enabled and whatever, but that...that is a true dick move. That says that he isn't listening to you, that he thinks the problem can never be him, that you could never have a legitimate reason to be upset with him, that the problem is inherently in you. I'd be sorely tempted to jam a tampon up his nose.

I'd be sorely tempted to jam a tampon up his nose.

Oh - only up his nose???

OP I'm not sure the blank expression you got is the same than the one DH gave/gives me. (Along side the not saying a thing)

But I found that when I'm getting really annoyed/emotional and it all comes out, DH goes into a fight and flight mode and just cannot think. He also seems to not get any of what I am saying.
I found that saying those things when I am a bit calmer helps a lot.
Which usually means I have a go at him, get really angry/emotional/upset. And I then have to explain again what the outbusrst was about so he can finally get it. Easier the second time around. I'm usually calmer and then her might get it.

Carry on explaining and stating your boundaries. He will resist the changes because it will rattle his nice little world and his idea that he is a great dad. But he will change.

He seriously asked you if it was your time of the month?

Honestly, I wouldn't be calming down for years after a comment like that. It assumes you can't have a real point, you are just a silly girl governed by hormones.

The only one in your relationship governed by hormones is him - testosterone and adrenaline.

Yes to sending her away to the US and get your mum over. And send the MIL for 3 months (i remember your previous post)

Well done on standing up for yourself! I can't believe he asked if it was your time of the month

Thankyou - I feel like everytime I look on here it's a sanity check!
It's not the first time he's concluded I must have PMT - as if it's some great insight.
Anyway he made it to DD's play with seconds to spare so that's something I suppose.
GreenPeppers - yes he does sound a bit like your DH and I fully suspect I will have to clarify my points again. He has a way of kind of staring at you as if to say, "Are you really going to push this?" Well he can stare as much as he likes because I'm not going to get disconcerted or made to feel like I'm having a tantrum.
Not feeling very Wonder Woman, Yorick, but I do feel like I'm waking up. Thanks again MrDacre. Hulder - exactly it's his hormones that are the issue!

When he asks if it's your time of the month, you could state right back and say, "No, it's yours " as if it's obvious and he's a bit dim for thinking otherwise.

Men who think any justified criticism of their horrible behaviour is simply ladies' problems need to learn otherwise.

I am happy for you OP. Baby steps but still, steps you may not have taken a few weeks ago. Well done and persist!

Well done OP!

This seems like a man with strongly held, sexist beliefs, and an equally strong sense of entitlement to do as he pleases.

He is very unlikely to have an epiphany.

It's likely that your DC are getting some poor messages about relationships, parenting and gender roles.

Glad you are finding some anger. His reaction shows that he doesn't regard you as his equal. Gives you a look, asks if you are on your period, but hey he loves you.
Hold on to that anger!

Oh - only up his nose???

The other cavity appears to be occupied by his head.

I notice there's thread today on AIBU about men who ask "Is your period on?" - the question tends to not go down well.

No I'm not expecting an epiphany tbh, but I'm not going to make excuses for him either. He will apologise but usually because he can't be bothered having the discussion, he wants to move on or he wants sex or something, but I don't feel like he actually takes much on board. I'm just going to have to keep chipping away.

Best of luck, OP.

He actually asked if it was my time of the month

And you didn't punch him in the face ? Well done! Dick.

Alaia - if you want continuing support then maybe have a think about starting a new thread in relationships; this one is filling up anyway.

Again, first off, well done. Waking up is exactly what you are doing!
The blank staring and silence the g is a really common "hard" negotiating tactic, it's great for getting pay raises, pushing contracts through and destroying relationships at home. Each time he does it be is basically trying to call your bluff because he can layer claim he didn't say or do anything g and that any aggression or anger came solely from you. It's a fine example of bovine feces in the home and the only way to break his habit is to not give in.
Chipping away is exactly what you will need to do because this is you breaking a life long habit he has, in effect reduxing his manipulating behavior in the home. I do t know if he will change as such but, again, any improvement in his conduct is good.
Love is a doing word, and he needs to understand that if just says it over and over but acts in the opposite way he will warp you children's idea of what it actually looks like.

However I think I'm now preaching to choir!

And as a man if I ever said anything so misogynistic as "are you on" I would not only expect a tampon up the "nose" I would expect it to be liberally doused in Chilli sauce for good measure.

Thankyou Slackdad.
Yes all these things like the blank staring, I am starting to see how it's passive aggressive and in a way unnerving at times. I don't know how aware of it he is. The thing is he is never actually verbally aggressive towards me at all, quite the opposite, so it's confusing and I think you get so used to people you can't see the wood in the trees.
Good advice though. We're on holiday atm and just saw the thread had re-surfaced. Thanks!