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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that this is too much?

745 replies

Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:11

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 16/03/2017 14:13

Re the mother in law, I think she WILL continue to send cleaners running for the hills so long as it means she gets you to come running.

If she has mental capacity, and choses to get rid of hired help, then let her chose to not have someone do those things. If she rings you say "okay, so you need X done, shall I ring back the agency and say you'll accept their staff this time" and if she says she doesn't want them, tell her that's her choice

Silentplikebath · 16/03/2017 14:17

What would happen if you say an outright no? Will he sulk or would he just go anyway?

I used to be married to someone like this and it never got any better. It's horrid being married to a selfish man and you deserve far better than this.

NapQueen · 16/03/2017 14:17

OP if you said to him tonight, "dh just letting you know im going for 10 days away with C (friend) to San Francisco end of September - just letting you know so you can make sure you are off work"

What would he say?

His response would directly affect my own response to his request

PoorYorick · 16/03/2017 14:18

He did suggest my mother comes over

Does he have any tactic for facilitating the shitwork and responsibilities of his carefree life that isn't simply scrambling his female relations to take it all over?

miniatureegg · 16/03/2017 14:18

3 months?! What an arse.

Speaking of which it really grinds my gears when people use ~charity as an excuse to spend money (other people's more often than not) on doing something they really just quite fancy...

Neanz48 · 16/03/2017 14:18

I suppose it depends on how much you both value your marriage. Some women might be glad to see the back of their DHs for three months. On the other hand, there seems something a bit selfish in him asking this of you, especially as the 'package' means you are left looking after the kids plus MIL. what is in it for you? I think in return you should tell him you are going off on a project somewhere for a few weeks and see how he responds. Or you could tell him to simply grow up and take his responsibilities like an adult!

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 14:18

Rookie - yes we do have an unused basement flat which we converted for and with MIL, but then she said she didn't want to live there after all! It was a total nightmare - the whole thing from start to finish. I'm trying to get her assessed tbh as she's only 69 but very bizarre. Even DH is starting to see it now, thank god.

OP posts:
miniatureegg · 16/03/2017 14:20

Is he already some kind of SuperArse? Surely it takes a lot more than 2 weeks to develop the kind of endurance you need for the North Pole.

Anyway, Arse. for even making you have to say no I'm not comfortable with this.

GallivantingWildebeest · 16/03/2017 14:20

Its the North Pole. They have wifi there

Grin

Hmm. Would you ever have the chance to do the same? Does he have form for this? What's he like with the dc and the house when he's home? I'm torn by this one.

Why are you looking after/responsible for HIS mother??

odilethecrocodile · 16/03/2017 14:20

I think you should tell DH how great you think the idea is, and that you are all for it, and he is to leave everything to you while he is away. You are planning a long trip without him after he gets back btw, but you can finalise all that later when you give him the details. Much like the manchild has done to you, really. Confused

mutantninja · 16/03/2017 14:21

I think the problem is that it's not a good time in HIS life to travel for three months, as HIS mother is heavily dependent on HIM and also putting pressure on HIS family.

He needs to realise that HIS responsibilities mean this isn't the best plan right now.

PoorYorick · 16/03/2017 14:21

Charity is supposed to begin at home.

Sisinisawa · 16/03/2017 14:21

Educational for the children??! Don't kid yourself.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 16/03/2017 14:21

The thing this will prove to OP if he does go, is she can cope without him, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. 3 months looking after 4 children, and a hard to manage MIL, after that everything is possible. I would worry if I was him. He is being selfish

LadyLapsang · 16/03/2017 14:21

Sounds like he won't take your opinion into account anyway - he will be going. It would be more charitable if he stopped going on adventure holidays and stepped up to look after his mother and could be left alone with his children so you get a break.I don't think the children will suffer but it will be hard for you with the MIL situation.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/03/2017 14:22

Hmm.
How old is MIL?
I think it's faaaarr too long for him to go away and leave you to deal with her nonsense. FAR too long.
I'm guessing this isn't a trip he's arranged himself, but an expedition he's joining that someone else has arranged, yes? So it can't just be moved/postponed for his convenience.
I'd have trouble with this in your position.
I would suggests that he waits until his MIL is no longer around, or until she becomes more reasonable about having non-family help, or generally just stops being so needy of your time and attention. Or, if he insists on going now, say that he needs to sort her out with some form of alternative care while he's gone as you won't be able to carry on the way you have been without him as back up.

I wouldn't be happy about this at all, tbh. But if he sorts his mother out, then that's one less thing to cavil at, and I'd probably agree to him going if she's not part of the equation any longer.

Lottylovesbread · 16/03/2017 14:23

You need to stop seeing mil every day. Does your DH see every day? I would also send the children to visit her but you stay home. Get some distance. You are not her carer.

GallivantingWildebeest · 16/03/2017 14:23

MIL lives down the road because he got her an apartment down there after she widowed. I have to visit her every day, this is how it's panned out. She calls for DH in the night - god knows how I will deal with that if he's not here. She is very paranoid and needy. She won't accept help in the form of cleaners etc, I've gone through about 5 companies but she shouts at the staff they send round and it's embarrassing.

Ah. So your Dh needs to deal with his mother. it's not up to you to handle her. Is there anything actually wrong with her, or is she just a selfish PITA?

I'd say to your dh that you can't handle the dc, his mother, etc. by yourself and if he wants to go he needs to put a proper plan in place for his mother. Sounds ridiculous.

How much does he do for her at the moment??

And I'd also talk to him about how much time he's had away doing this thing - and how much time YOU have had away. Let him see the difference. Ask what he thinks.

purpleprickle · 16/03/2017 14:23

Very selfish of him.

You don't get to just bugger off and do things like that when you have kids.

He should do it when the kids are older, maybe when the youngest is in high school.

PoorYorick · 16/03/2017 14:24

Even DH is starting to see it now, thank god.

She's his own mother! How long has this been going on for, how long have you been running around like a blue-arsed fly before he started to realise that his own mother might be unwell?

Does he need time measured in alternative units? Ok, so how many jollies to India, trips to space, rugby sleepovers and expeditions to the North fucking Pole is it before he realises an immediate relative might be ill?

RebelandaStunner · 16/03/2017 14:24

Yanbu
He's selfish and will bore you to death going on and on and on about it forever.

Klaphat · 16/03/2017 14:24

Again, what do you wish to do, is there something? Because if not it's a moot argument.

People who haven't been in a position to imagine they'd ever be entitled or free enough of responsibilities to go on three-month-long adventures don't tend to have formulated any concrete ideas or even necessarily vague desires to go on three-month-long adventures (or similar). That doesn't mean this situation would be fair.

PoorYorick · 16/03/2017 14:25

Educational for the children??! Don't kid yourself.

Oh, the kids will learn something...

Msqueen33 · 16/03/2017 14:25

I'm even more fuming for you. You seem calmer than I ever would. This man sounds like he has a wonderful life doing exactly what he wants to do. He gets to have kids but dip in and out when he wants and his mother becomes completely your responsibility. Frankly this is beyond selfish and I think posting here you know it is! But I suspect he'll go anyway or complain and be such a moody arse it'll be easier for you to tell him just to do it.

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 14:26

If I said I was going away for a week, DH wouldn't stop me. I don't actually know why I wouldn't do this. It could be my own mental block? I would worry about him losing his patience maybe? I really don't know. He doesn't know about the school routines and things like that which doesn't help. When ML babysits, the DC end up babysitting her!

OP posts:
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