To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

If he can manage 90 days away from work then he can certainly manage a long weekend without you.

Just realised from your previous posts who you are. I don't think your H is going to change. Your role is to look after the DC and his DM, I don't think he sees you as a proper separate entity more of an enabler of him and his lifestyle. The only way he might change is if he senses that there is a danger that you may have had enough.

If I were you I'd just stop doing as much as you can for his MIL. See if you can get some sort of paid care package organised - from what I remember money is not really a problem. Then focus on yourself and your DCs. Are you doing a course or looking to go back to work ?

I would let him go on 2 conditions:

(a) he sorts out proper care or whatever is needed for his mother, you are not to be left responsible for looking after her

(b) you also get to do something equally fabulous/of your choosing

Do they really let people go to the north pole for nearly 3 months with 2 weeks training?

For the whole thing to take that long, they must be planning to walk there from some distance away?

Is it a charity thing and does that mean he has to raise a lot of money to do it - is this going to take more time on top? And is it going to cost the family money in equipment, clothes, lost income etc?

It's telling that you said 'I have his mother....' . He just seems to think of no-one but himself while he's swanning off here there and everywhere without a thought about you, his DCs and his mother.

For me it would be a total no.

I'd be v upset he even wanted to be away from his family for so long, was so uninterested in his kids and me frankly, and so selfish with his time and boring bucket list ambitions. Once in a life time opportunity my ass. He is a father to FOUR children. Why not think up some adventure EVERYONE can do?

He's talking about his age and his life...how about your life and your ambitions and desires?

YANBU. I think my response would be "fuck right off you selfish twat" because he is. He gets to do what he wants when he wants and little wifey at home gets to manage the 4 kids, house and his bloody mother. He's really got it good hasn't he.

Unless you also get a three-month break, no way would I entertain this.

He sounds like a selfish man-child.

Sorry to say this but you sound either like a saint or a mug. Why on earth are you looking after his MIL?

Do you get any time to yourself? Any time for your own hobbies, passions etc?

Absolutely no way would I agree to this. And that's with one child and no MIL to look after.

Unbelievable that he would even entertain the idea.

When I posted about DH before it was about his rugby and the relatives that were coming.

This trip is something to do with mapping an unchartered part of an ice cap. It does say it will be challenging and there could well be polar bears and moving ice. I don't know if there would be wi-fi? Yes I would be worried about him and I would miss him s lot.

The difference between me and him is that I would just never think to leave the DC, so it's a totally different mindset. I'm not complaining though as I do have great life in general and I'm not resentful.

I'm thinking I will just let him do this and look at it as an educational experience for the kids . He has taken them on trips too, so it's not always about him doing his own thing on his own. I don't like regretting things.

He did want to go on the Virgin Space Shuttle flight, but that obviously fell through.

You've never been away without him in 14 years because of his work commitments, but he can rearrange things enough for him to go on two week jollies somewhat frequently and now on a three month one?

You don't sound like that bothers you, but it would make me really sad. I might be inclined to say OK to the three months if he arranges three months off first to spend time with his own children (maybe take all the school holiday off and have some real quality time with them for a year).

But that's because I'm always horrified by parents who've never looked after their children on their own but want to leave them with their partner regularly.

You sound like you're bothered about the lack of emotional support, is that because he's really good at emotional support, or because you get so little you need every last drop?

absolutely no chance, you don't get to opt out of being a parent because of a vanity project holiday. the dick.

Sounds like a mid life crisis. Can't he just buy a flash car?

Seriously - I wouldn't be happy, It's dangerous and I would spend the three months worried sick.

That is a long time for him to be away from his kids and I would also worry about his personal safety.

Sod the "good cause". People are always using the excuse of charity/good cause to do something amazing that they have always wanted to do anyway.

On balance, I would be reluctant to agree it.

I think YWNBU to put several conditions on this:

HE pays for (saved from HIM cutting back and from his income, not out of the shared pot or your pocket):

• a cleaner for you as his contribution towards running the home
• private care for his mother

AND He organises it all and puts it all in place

……….I wonder if he would still wanna go if it meant more work for him rather than more work for you????

AND. 2018 is for you and your bucket list...

Godssakes what a self-indulgent culture we live in. He wants to spend ££££, risk his life, and put his family through inconvenience and probably misery because he needs to 'fulfil himself' and 'his life is half over'. If he had a burning need to work in a clinic at a refugee camp or something, then maybe, but to set himself against a completely arbitrary and confected physical challenge just so he can 'feel alive'. I actually find this really offensive to the billions of people on earth who really are up against it. How would you explain this to someone trying to keep their family alive in so many of the places he's ignoring. Grrr, sorry to be so grumpy but life being too easy and predictable for him...does he realised what a pampered brat that makes him sound!

The difference between me and him is that I would just never think to leave the DC

That's not the only difference.

I do have great life in general

If you say so. I definitely hope so, given the amount of entitled, self-centred shit he throws into it.

Perhaps when he is away you could take an active part in running the businesses ? Would that be a possibility ?
It would help to build up your self esteem and may encourage your DH to think of you more as a partnership. I believe you have an unused annex apartment , so could you get an au pair/mothers help in there, so you could do more stuff out of the home?

Seriously though from the other threads your MIL sounds like a PITA. You have to be harsh to draw boundaries. She'll hate it and try to get rid of whatever alternative care you have in place, but you have to keep plugging at it, otherwise it is impossible for you to have a normal MIL relationship where you meet up/call once a week or fortnight.

The children will be fine for 80 days, they're old enough to understand what's going on and that he'll be back. Get calendars, or make charts, so that the younger ones can tick off days.

As for mil. Hmmm, problem. I think you're going to have to be tough here, and tell him you can't and won't take responsibility for her any more and he will have to sort out proper help for her.

I hope he has a fabulous time, and that you get a 3 month holiday when he gets back.

Hmm something not right here OP, sounds like it's all take take take from his side. I am very much for independence within a relationship and have always been clear with DP for me, I need time away alone on occasions (suppose I'm a bit of a Peter Pan character too).

But the difference is, I would support DP if he wanted to do the same..And your DH lost any sympathy from me the moment you said that you wouldn't be able to do the same. My trips have also become significantly shorter and less frequent now I have DC. Yeah, I still like the odd few days occasionally...But 3 months away from my child? No. That's before you consider your DH is away a lot as it is.

I know I'm an itchy feet type person and it's part of the reason I haven't had a big family...Because it's a damn sight harder to prioritise yourself and the longer time you are an 'active' parent (can't think of a better word but I mean the years where you have children under 18) the more children you have.

Your DH chose to have a big family. That means he ll have a lot more responsibility and more stuff he's leaving his spouse with when he's away. If he's already having the odd few weeks every couple of years I'd say he's doing quite well. If this was a genuine one off I'd say to support him because I've always been so supported by my DP and i agree that marriage doesn't mean you need to give up your independent dreams, but this sounds like it's one in a long list of things where he gets to carry on as if he's not got a care in the world and your left with 4 kids and a MIL! Ffs, that's not supportive of you. The only way I'd even consider this is if he finally stepped up and allowed you to do something similar (even if you don't intend to go away for 3 months, I'd want to know that he was willing). I'm sorry but he does sound very selfish....Not just to you but your children. I love travelling and exploring more than most people but even I have had to realise I no longer come first, and I would never dream of leaving my child for 3 months unless necessary.

It's not something I'd ever want to do but would never have stopped DH doing. I haven't RTFT but your biggest problem is your MIL. Tell your DH that he must put arrangements in place for her as you won't be visiting her every day nor answering the phone in the evenings or overnight.

If he can sort that one out give him your blessing but I suspect this might make him realise that he's expecting rather a lot from you.
If he does go, enjoy your time too!

Dh decided ages ago (about 7 years ago) he wanted to climb Everest.

He's done no climbing. But still mentions this occasionally. i know he won't train for it. We watched Everest the other day. And every time I see an article about it in the papers I send it to him.

So far no training (phew). As a compromise (a less deadly one) I've suggested maybe he train for a trek to base camp. They ran one from here for charity a couple of years ago. I'd be much happier if he did that (although that was right about the time of the earthquake in Nepal...)

He did want to go on the Virgin Space Shuttle flight, but that obviously fell through.

Couldn't find a space suit to fit his ego?

I'm thinking I will just let him do this

Let's not pretend you ever had any choice in the matter.

How can you not be resentful? It's so unequal and unfair. And a shit example of a relationship for your kids - mum is the carer, dad is out following his passion and exploring the world.

Sorry, I know it takes all sorts and all that, but I could not stand a relationship like this. It's just so unequal.

Good luck OP.

He does do a fair bit of fundraising and recently went to India about a charity, but I thought it was ridiculous that they flew business class and also had time to go rafting in the week they were over there!
He did suggest my mother comes over, which would help in a way, but she finds London quite disorientating as she's getting older.