Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that this is too much?

745 replies

Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:11

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

OP posts:
FarAwayHills · 16/03/2017 13:23

YANBU
Your DH is being selfish to even suggest spending so much time away and leave you alone to look after the kids and his mother. How would he feel if you wanted to do this? Would he cope alone for 3 months caring for the 4 kids and his mum. If this was an absolute necessity for his work then you might just have to suck it up but in this instance charity or not this is a personal thing he would like to do.

toffeeboffin · 16/03/2017 13:23

Yes, but as pp's say, you need three months to yourself mincing around south east Asia or wherever you fancy.

Note that it's always men who feel the need to go on these trips.

What about your kids?!

toffeeboffin · 16/03/2017 13:24

Even entertaining the very thought of this is bad news, OP.

bittapitta · 16/03/2017 13:25

"it's for a good cause" - what cause is that then? Giving him an outlet for a mid life crisis? Missing a quarter of a year of his children's lives? When do you get your three months away?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 16/03/2017 13:26

It's not really a once in a lifetime chance though. There are expeditions all the time.
Your younger DCs are still quite young. I'd be tempted to ask him to wait till they are older.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 16/03/2017 13:26

And I would bet that there will be all sorts of obstacles placed in your way should you wish to go off and do something for 3 months, leaving him to manage alone.

Him saying his life is "half over" sounds a bit like a mid-life crisis to me and he's only thinking of himself.

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:27

This is the thing, I have no family in London.

The money and the time off won't be an issue as he has his own companies.

He had done loads of similar-ish things over the years, but never for more than about 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Blueskyrain · 16/03/2017 13:27

I think marriage should enhance your freedom, not curtail it. It's a one off, and he may not be able to do it when he's older. It's hard, but I'd support him in this.

Iamyourmotheryours · 16/03/2017 13:27

Could you try to narrow down what it is that worries you and whether you and your dp could put provisions in place to address those issues? Like investing in a fantastic part time nanny to help you? Also, I would want to know exactly what would happen in an emergency, how quickly could he be contacted and come back, what if something happens to him would his insurance cover it etc etc

namechange20050 · 16/03/2017 13:27

Yep another one saying no ducking way! 3 months?! He has 4 kids; they are his responsibility, not buggering off on some vanity 'charity' experience.

Butterymuffin · 16/03/2017 13:27

Yes, as QueenAC said, what's the cost of this in annual leave or unpaid leave? And will it mean the rest of you don't get a family holiday?

I also think the 'for a good cause' thing is bollocks. It's been said enough times now that these are generally vanity trips that make money for the organising companies, and that it's more effective to just give money to your chosen charity.

If he's always wanted to go to the Pole, that might be different. But it does come across as if he's used to doing what he likes and leaving the rest of you to it, and this is the latest and grandest stage in that process. I would definitely be looking at whether you, and your older kids for sure, get this kind of opportunity to indulge yourselves, and when he's going to be there to hold the fort so that you can.

And why is dealing with MIL your job? He can surely communicate with his own mum. Even if away he could call/text/email (though admittedly, probably not from the North Pole Grin)

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 13:27

I wouldn't! He should have done it before having kids or only had two kids then done it when the youngest was old enough if it was that important to him.

ChocolateFuzz · 16/03/2017 13:28

I'd let him go, he really wants to and he'll probably never get another chance

Floggingmolly · 16/03/2017 13:28

How is it "a great cause"? What exactly will he be doing there??

halcyondays · 16/03/2017 13:28

I'm sure we all have somewhere we'd like to go for 3 months while somebody else looked after our kids and elderly parents. When does the op get to go her trip?

Pallisers · 16/03/2017 13:29

I suppose it isn't the worst mid life crisis (panic in the face of mortality by men) to have but it is still fairly selfish.

Apart from leaving you to do everything at home for 3 months, your children will find this separation very hard. My husband travels a lot for work and my children would have been very upset at not having him around for 3 months. He is an active, engaged parent who makes a difference to their lives day to day and they love him - not seeing him for 3 months would be incredibly hard on them. Won't he miss them??

Also leaving you to do all the elder care for HIS mother - nice one.

Given the way he has framed it, I'd probably say "off you go then" - I wouldn't want to be the one giving permission or not but honestly, I would lose a lot of respect for him for doing something so self-indulgent.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 13:29

. When does the op get to go her trip

LilacSpatula · 16/03/2017 13:29

YANBU - it's dangerous and unnecessary. Would he be happy for you to bugger off for three month and risk your life in the process? Doubt it.

TheTombstonesMove · 16/03/2017 13:30

What a load of bullocks - this is massively selfish of him. Of course it's unreasonable for him to want to go. If he wanted to lead the kind of life where he can opt out of normal (aka real) life for 3 months, he shouldn't have had a child, never mind 4 of them.

All choices involve compromise. He needs to realise that one of his compromises is not to be able to drop everything because he fancies a gad about to the remotest part of the world for no more reason than he quite fancies it.

Pallisers · 16/03/2017 13:30

I have extremely strong views against spouses controlling their partner

But isn't he controlling her? He is saying "I really need to do this (entirely optional jolly) thing and it is my last chance so for the next 3 months you will do all childcare/manage our lives and take care of my mother 7 days a week too"

ParadiseCity · 16/03/2017 13:30

DH mentioned he would like to do some expedition thing, I said it sounds great and I'd also love to do it Grin

He has not yet found a solution to who will take care of the DC Wink

FarAwayHills · 16/03/2017 13:31

I'm sure lots of people have similar feelings about life passing by but few can swan off and leave their family for 3 months.

TheShoeLady · 16/03/2017 13:31

For me I think it would depend on the rest of the relationship. My ex worked away for a year, a 6 hour drive and a plane ride away. My DCs were between 4 and 10 at the time. It was hard, but we agreed to it because it would benefit the family if he got the promotion promised by this stint away. Had he just been doing it for kicks I think I would have had to think seriously about what was in it for me. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but in a marriage there has to be some give and take. What is he giving?

Sounds like a bit of a mid life crisis point. Shaking things up like this could go either way. If he comes back with a new found appreciation for you all and invigorated at having completed his challenge, then fab. If he comes back having enjoyed being free and thinking he's Bear Grylls then he might decide that these adventures will become more regular and that will have implications for your relationship.

My current partner worked away a lot last year and I told him that I wouldn't put up with it again this year. For me a relationship relies on some quality time and physical companionship. Having him away for weeks on end and then distracted and jet lagged when he returned was crap. He had to make a decision about whether his prospects in the UK were good enough or whether he wanted to be working away again this year but lose me into the bargain. I wouldn't have blamed him if he wanted to go, but it just wasn't for me, hanging around waiting for him.

Hoppinggreen · 16/03/2017 13:32

The majority of us never go to The North Pole and manage ok.
Why do people think they need to be "fulfilled ". It's called life
And don't even get me started on those wanky FOR CHARIDEEE trips

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 16/03/2017 13:33

in addition I have extremely strong views against spouses controlling their partners.

I don't see any evidence OP is controlling.

I do, however, believe that the OP's DH appears to be swanning around going off here and there, leaving OP to do all the coping at home and dealing with his DM, described as a difficult person.

When does the OP get her chance to do things she wants to do?