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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not offer this mum a lift

214 replies

pawpatrolcanfoff · 08/03/2017 13:08

I live opposite a young mum and her two children. They're both under 4.

She's on income support but looking for work.

I would always see her every morning taking her oldest to school while pushing the youngest in the pram. She takes the bus. It's uphill all the way so a bus is necessary for the journey really. She does this journey there and back twice a day.

I know a lot of people do similar.

My son has just started going to the same school. I leave after her and take my son in the car.

I don't see her on the way back as o get there earlier than her.

On the way back I always see her in the playground and we have a chat. I always feel quite guilty as I get into my car with my son, knowing we are driving to exactly where she house is and I have three car seats in the back.

I feel bad as I drive away and watch her waiting at the bus stop!

But I hate the idea of having to take her and her children every day for the rest of my sons time in school! I don't feel I can offer some days and not feel obliged to offer other days.

If it's pouring with rain I will offer but not unless the weather is bad.

I know it's not unreasonable but is that a little mean?

OP posts:

LadyMcFish · 10/03/2017 09:36

When at playground, you can politely let her that you don’t mind doing the occasional school runs. If her youngest is unwell or weather is really bad, just text you the night before or an hour advance and you can pick up the oldest. And same goes for school pick up. Then you are not tie to any commitment. But if you start seeing sign of regular school runs, just start pulling back like you need to be at work sharp so you won’t be able to hang about and can’t cover school run. ;)

TheSultanofPingu · 10/03/2017 10:40

The comments along the lines of "Oh yes Op, offer her a lift every now and again (to stop that pesky feeling of guilt), but make sure she doesn't start taking advantage or become a bind" are annoying.

BertrandRussell · 10/03/2017 11:01

I really don't get the mumsnet thing about lifts. You have a seat in your car. Somebody is going to the same place as you are at the same time as you are. They presumably don't smell. So offer a lift. Simple.

Sleepsleepnomore · 10/03/2017 11:33

my mind boggles that someone would feel overly burdened by offering a lift on a school run that they had to do on a predictable schedule in any case for their own child, and why do people say 'i'd be obliged every day' when you can clearly just swap days so that you end up doing half the school runs. Are people so scared of tricky conversations that they'd rather avoid any mutually beneficial interaction?

MerryMarigold · 10/03/2017 11:41

Bertrand, I agree.

But what if my child is ill one day and I can't do it. Just let her know with a bit of time in advance.

But what if she starts asking me to look after her child for several hours every day on top and asks me to pay her rent for the next year? Just say no

BertrandRussell · 10/03/2017 11:43

All the what ifs can be easily sorted by a timely text.

ElephantsCanFly · 10/03/2017 11:44

I was in a similar situation. A woman with lad from my DD's class moved a couple of doors down from us about 3 years ago. She was a SP and had another DC a year younger than my other DD. She didn't drive, but it's only about a 20 min walk from where we live to school. I walk more times than not, but when the weather is pants, I will drive.
I felt sorry for them the one morning as they walked past in the pouring rain as I was putting my DC in the car. I offered them a lift. She was all too keen to accept and almost 3 years on, I get a text almost daily with a new excuse asking me to take her DC to school, even if I'm walking. I've taken her kids to school more times in 3 years than she has!
By all means, offer a lift but make sure she knows it's not a regular set up! I'm still learning the word 'no'

littlewoodentrike · 10/03/2017 12:07

Personally I wouldn't want to get tied in to anything. It's hard enough getting myself and my DC ready and out the door in the mornings, and I wouldn't want that pressure. Plus, I like my time with my children on my own.
Also, I walk with my two DC every day (one school age, one pre-school age), and I wouldn't want someone to drive us all there. I have a friend who offers to drive me to lots of places (I have my own car), and I have to keep explaining that I like walking with my children. I know it's a bit different to her getting the bus, but I would still prefer that to accepting a lift with someone. I am very independent and like my own space!

Jazzywazzydodah · 10/03/2017 12:11

I think morally you feel like you should and I probably would.

VioletLips · 10/03/2017 12:17

I totally get where you're coming from, OP.

What starts out as a seemingly stress free solution could quickly turn into looking after her dc after school. Also as the years roll on your dc will no doubt be involved in extra curricular activities. Her other dc might also require lifts from certain places.

I'd hate to feel tied in this way. I often pop somewhere else after school with ds and I would feel stifled with another child in tow. I wouldn't have the freedom to do just what I liked.

Also mornings, some people are just unreliable and are often late. You not only will have the school to contact if your dc is ill but your neighbour too. The dc might not get on etc

We had a similar situation but ndn didn't have to catch a bus, I did give her my number after a particularly awful, wet and windy morning. Told her to text me if she ever needed a lift due to the weather. Actually a few of us lived nearby and a few of us offered. She never took me up on the offer.

That could actually be the way you approach this. You could pass on your number casually and say if ever there's an emergency you'd be glad to offer a lift. You never know, she might be dreading you asking this anyway, it seems that not everyone appreciates the offer of a lift.

dustarr73 · 10/03/2017 14:21

I don't think the OP actually wants to give NDN a lift.She just wants to ease her conscience.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/03/2017 16:06

I agree Dustarr. I htink what the OP actually wants is for the neighbour to not need a lift, so she wont feel bad for not offering.

lazyarse123 · 10/03/2017 19:14

Reverse.

Witchend · 10/03/2017 19:29

I think the Op feels happy to offer a lift, but doesn't want it turning into an obligation.
To be fair to the other lady, she probably will be happy to accept the lift, but doesn't want to Op to feel obliged.

Problem is that sort of casual arrangement can easily turn sour.
You know: Op ends up waiting 10 minutes every day because they're late.
Or the other way. Op texts too late for her to catch the bus that she's not going today.

I think I'd be inclined to offer a lift on a "if I see you" basis. So any lift is a bonus to the other lady, but doesn't feels hard done by if it doesn't happen.

Thing is I've seen these arrangements go from "isn't she so kind offering a lift" to "she's so horrible, you know she wouldn't take us even though it only takes her 10 minutes and it takes us 40 minutes on the bus" (because her dc were vomiting everywhere.

It doesn't take long for it to go from being a "you're do kind" into "I expect a lift" to "I resent it when you don't put yourself out to give me a lift". Have seen it several times-often from people who really are very grateful at the beginning.

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