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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer this mum a lift

214 replies

pawpatrolcanfoff · 08/03/2017 13:08

I live opposite a young mum and her two children. They're both under 4.

She's on income support but looking for work.

I would always see her every morning taking her oldest to school while pushing the youngest in the pram. She takes the bus. It's uphill all the way so a bus is necessary for the journey really. She does this journey there and back twice a day.

I know a lot of people do similar.

My son has just started going to the same school. I leave after her and take my son in the car.

I don't see her on the way back as o get there earlier than her.

On the way back I always see her in the playground and we have a chat. I always feel quite guilty as I get into my car with my son, knowing we are driving to exactly where she house is and I have three car seats in the back.

I feel bad as I drive away and watch her waiting at the bus stop!

But I hate the idea of having to take her and her children every day for the rest of my sons time in school! I don't feel I can offer some days and not feel obliged to offer other days.

If it's pouring with rain I will offer but not unless the weather is bad.

I know it's not unreasonable but is that a little mean?

OP posts:
NapQueen · 08/03/2017 13:19

Maybe if you have her number you could text on the odd day and say "god its pissing down today! You can jump in the car if u would prefer?"

DianaMemorialJam · 08/03/2017 13:19

But that doesn't mean I can't feel bad about this situation.

Why would you feel bad about it? She hasn't asked for a favour from you... this is a complete non issue.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 08/03/2017 13:20

I have had this. The mum started texting me every morning if I could give a lift.... then Stopped coming on the journey! Shock

So I had to not only give a lift, I had to wait for them to faff to get ready, AND I also had to ensure this child was safely delivered to her classroom!

Never. Again.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

wildpoppiesanddaisies · 08/03/2017 13:25

I do understand this, by the way, as a lift very quickly turns from a favour into an expectation, i have found - but I do think offering now and again would be nice.

blueskyinmarch · 08/03/2017 13:25

You say you have three seats in your car but do you actually have the correct car seats for children fitted? It would cost a fair bit to buy two more seats for your neighbours children. Who would pay for them?

chaplin1409 · 08/03/2017 13:26

It's nice to offer but if the children are young you would have the whole car seat problem

SaucyJack · 08/03/2017 13:29

I don't think you should start something you're not (understandably) not prepared to see through in its entirety.. It'd be weirder just to pick random days to give her a lift. Would one of you wear a red bobble hat or carry a newspaper as a signal that a lift was on/off today? What if you wanted to go to Tesco straight after? What if she want

SaucyJack · 08/03/2017 13:32

ed to go with you, and got a full week's shop while you stood there waiting with a loaf of bread?

Nuffin wrong with keeping your head down on the school run if you want to just focus on your own kid.

wornoutboots · 08/03/2017 13:32

maybe stop and collect her if you're passing and it's raining?

harrypotternerd · 08/03/2017 13:34

I don't really see what the issue is, she has never asked you for a lift but you seem to feel bad? If you don't want to give her a lift, don't offer one.

Justwantcookies · 08/03/2017 13:34

I think you know the answer really. It is a bit mean considering its not going out of your way as she lives right near you. Plus you already have the baby seats. You never know, the two of you might end up becoming really good friends and you might need her to do you a favour one day.

danTDM · 08/03/2017 13:35

She has not asked you for a lift.
She is quietly getting on with her own business.
Non issue, self important cow springs to my mind.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 08/03/2017 13:37

Offer her a bloody lift. You hate the idea of doing it all the time but her circumstances might change. And your child might like it. It's good for children to learn about community and about helping people.

Justwantcookies · 08/03/2017 13:38

blueskyinmarch
You say you have three seats in your car but do you actually have the correct car seats for children fitted? It would cost a fair bit to buy two more seats for your neighbours children. Who would pay for them?

I would imagine the OP knows if she has baby/child seats in her car or not! Grin

BrutusMcDogface · 08/03/2017 13:38

Just out of curiosity nosiness why have you got three car seats if you only have one child?

This is a tough one. A close neighbour and I have children at the same school and I often wonder if we should share lifts (she has one that goes to the school, soon to be two, and I have three so one spare seat). It does make me feel guilty when we drive past and they're still there, loading car/children etc.

SolomanDaisy · 08/03/2017 13:39

I don't drive and I would hate it if someone offered me a daily lift. I like talking to my DS about his day on the way home, I wouldn't want to replace it with polite chat with someone I thought might resent me. Public transport or walking journeys always seem like a hassle to people who drive everywhere, but to many of us they're just normal.

blueskyinmarch · 08/03/2017 13:39

Justwant. I know but it didn't seem very clear to me if she had actual car seats or just the space for them. I just wanted clarification. If you only have one child why would you have three car seats in your car?

IamFriedSpam · 08/03/2017 13:42

I'm torn in that I used to be the only mum at school without a car and always felt mortified at being offered lifts on the other hand it would probably save her money and would be a nice gesture. You could always say "I'm going straight home today fancy a lift?" to make it clear it won't always be convenient.

Akire · 08/03/2017 13:43

Can see why you don't want feel tied, think it's fair enough to offer when it's raining or few times a week. Given in afternoons you would only need drop the child home so don't need to take her and the baby either. It would give her break and save the bus fair. Like other said you could be feeling ill one day and need her to take your child on the bus so would work both ways. If she's looking for work it might not be very long anyway if she need after school care.

ifcatscouldtalk · 08/03/2017 13:44

This is exactly the sort of thing I would ponder over. I am currently taking a friend's daughter to school which is ok. I made it clear that she had to be ready on time every day as my daughter hates running late and some days I have to go straight on to work. It has to run like clockwork or it's a nightmare. If it became an issue I feel I could say to the mum who I've known for years but I do understand your reluctance. Maybe get to know her a bit better. She may be absolutely lovely. I have a real fear of adopting hanger on-ers that I can't get rid of. I'm honestly nicer than I sound!

Ironfloor · 08/03/2017 13:47

Almost this identical situation happened to me. I was the mom walking/pushing buggy to school and my lovely neighbour was the one who drove. She insisted that I go with her. I felt bad to refuse as she was genuinely a lovely person and just wanted to help. I thought it'd be haughty go refuse.

It was all fine at the beginning. Then the her son and my daughter became good friends. And after school, he started coming to our house to play. Almost daily. This became a right pain. It worked out well for neighbour s she had to take her older son for clubs, so it was convenient having me look after the younger son. I couldn't refuse as she was doing such a 'huge' favour by taking me to and from school.

If I were you, I won't do it bar the occasional rainy day lift.

ifcatscouldtalk · 08/03/2017 13:49

Also as pp have mentioned, she may be perfectly happy with her current set up. I'm no help at all!

Jaynebxl · 08/03/2017 13:49

You know what it's like on income support and how bus fares almost crippled you. I'd do it. I'd say to her if you're ready to go when we are ready we can take you. I do loads of things like that for people where I live and so do they. It keeps our community going.

rainbowsandsunshine · 08/03/2017 13:51

I passed my test late last year. Me and my neighbour who was heavily pregnant at the time, both have children at the same school in reception. I gave them a lift every morning and afternoon until she had a baby a few weeks ago. She now walks as I don't have 3 full size seats in my car and the 3 children wouldn't all fit in car seats. I do offer a lift back in the morning and to the school in the afternoon when its just her and the baby, shes yet to take me up on my offer though!

Offer if you want to, she might not even want a lift though!

GatoradeMeBitch · 08/03/2017 13:51

It's nice of you to think of her, I think with a lot of people it wouldn't even cross their minds.

Maybe you can think out a scenario that would work for you and then suggest it to her? You could suggest you give her a lift one day a week, and if you both enjoy the arrangement add another day? And she may be perfectly happy taking the bus but none of us know that.