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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer this mum a lift

214 replies

pawpatrolcanfoff · 08/03/2017 13:08

I live opposite a young mum and her two children. They're both under 4.

She's on income support but looking for work.

I would always see her every morning taking her oldest to school while pushing the youngest in the pram. She takes the bus. It's uphill all the way so a bus is necessary for the journey really. She does this journey there and back twice a day.

I know a lot of people do similar.

My son has just started going to the same school. I leave after her and take my son in the car.

I don't see her on the way back as o get there earlier than her.

On the way back I always see her in the playground and we have a chat. I always feel quite guilty as I get into my car with my son, knowing we are driving to exactly where she house is and I have three car seats in the back.

I feel bad as I drive away and watch her waiting at the bus stop!

But I hate the idea of having to take her and her children every day for the rest of my sons time in school! I don't feel I can offer some days and not feel obliged to offer other days.

If it's pouring with rain I will offer but not unless the weather is bad.

I know it's not unreasonable but is that a little mean?

OP posts:
Uberfluffs · 08/03/2017 17:46

I catch the bus (we don't have a car - just never felt we needed it in London, and school is only about 10 minutes away) and I personally would be fine with not being given lifts (although I have been known to ask other people to take my kids in occasionally - and make sure to return the favour).

I wouldn't over think it, I'm sure she's fine with it!

starfishmummy · 08/03/2017 18:12

I'd probably offer but say something about not being able to do it regularly.
And I have read too many mn posts where leople get lumbered looking after someone else's kid to offer to take the child by themselves on a regular basis.

TheSultanofPingu · 08/03/2017 19:32

Op, if you don't want to give her a lift then don't offer. It might stop you feeling guilty, but you will resent her for it. She will be used to the daily routine of getting to school this will and it probably doesn't bother her (I speak from experience).

I must say I'm a little annoyed at the posts saying she will expect the op to do it regularly and take it for granted. The poor woman hasn't even asked for a lift! This is all about the op needlessly feeling guilty and wanting reassurance.

Noodoodle · 08/03/2017 19:40

I would love to do that for a neighbour, I'd have been so happy if someone had been able to do that for me. Having said that there was a lady with a dd in same school as mine who lived a rd after us, and if it was raining and we were going by there when they were coming out she always offered a lift and it was lovely. But, I would worry when your neighbour starts work you might feel obliged to do it all the time and maybe be roped into babysitting as well?

On the odd day when you see her I'd think go for it, no harm in asking though. She may not want to anyway.

OopsDearyMe · 08/03/2017 19:44

That is really selfish! U are going the same place! I see people do this to me every day and they know I have mobility issues. If I were in their or your position I would at least offer, it doesn't put anyone out ffs

GeorgeTheHamster · 08/03/2017 19:50

If she gets the bus every day she probably buys a weekly ticket so the odd lift wouldn't save her money?

SleightOfMind · 08/03/2017 20:12

I walk to school by choice & don't want lifts. I'd hate to be tied into someone else's morning routine - so awkward.
I do have neighbours with whom I reciprocate school runs as occasional favours though.
If you're wondering if she might appreciate help but don't want to impose or be imposed on, perhaps ask if you could swap numbers and help each other out in emergencies as you live so near?

MommaGee · 08/03/2017 20:24

So you have three child seats in the back of the car, appropriate for the three kids, you live right by her, your kids are in class together, you know how expensive it is and you feel guilty - but you don't want to offer?

Seems a bit u to me tbh.
She might say no she enjoys the exercise, she may pay out for a bus pass anyway so it saves no money but I do think it's a bit mean to only offer of you think the weather is really bad

DarklyDreamingDexter · 08/03/2017 21:04

I would make the offer, but make it clear it wouldn't necessarily be every day. I.e. If you had other commitments. It's no skin off your nose to drive them there and it would help her out. Hopefully she world return the favour occasionally if you needed someone to pick up/ take your child to school if you couldn't for some reason.

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 08/03/2017 21:12

Can't you just offer for 2 mornings per week if you truly did want to help?d Then she can refuse if she's genuinely not bothered, and you still have a couple of mornings 'to yourself' if she takes you up on it.

I'd probably offer, but everyone is different.

dustarr73 · 08/03/2017 21:57

I wouldn't offer op as you really don't want to do it.You want the praise of doing something without actually doing it.

Maybe ndn doesn't want to be stuck with the OP,bet that never crossed your mind.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 08/03/2017 22:44

I do get the hesitation in offering a lift. Part of it may be the concern about something intended to be occasional & spontaneous morphing into an arrangement that is fixed and expected. Also fear of awardness on days when you don't fancy offering a lift and want to sing at the top of your voice in a blissfully empty car. For what it's worth, I would have been the mum walking (perfectly happily) to the school gates with pre-schoolers in tow. A couple of neighbours with children at the same school would sometimes offer a lift if it was raining or they saw that I was running late. However, it was never something that was expected and there was never any awkwardness. So, don't overthink it too much; offer now and then when it's convenient and don't when you don't want to. Your neighbour is unlikely to mind too much either way.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 08/03/2017 22:46

OP could say "I'd be happy to give you a lift when it's raining as long as I'm not going somewhere else....let me text you when it rains"

Or similar.

SparkleSunshine201 · 09/03/2017 01:07

No I wouldn't offer, it's not your responsibility.

civilfawlty · 09/03/2017 01:10

You don't have to. But, having been that skint single Mum (who would have been grateful for a lift once or twice a week) one day you will be down on your luck, and I hope karma bites you back.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/03/2017 01:48

You live on the same street, your kids go to the same school and are arriving and leaving at the same time?

YABU.

If you werent going there every day yourself then it would be different, but you are doing exactly the same journey as her so why wouldnt you offer? you know what its like to be on the bones of your arse and bus fare being one demand on the pennies too many, and yet you wont help her? That really is horrible.

In my LP days I used to walk 2 miles to the supermarket, and then back with a weeks worth of shopping on the pram basket and in a rucksack on my back, because the bus fare was one days meals worth of money I couldnt spare. If I thought that I could spare another woman that then I would, in a heart beat.

I dont take against people very often, but I dont like you.

Jaynebxl · 09/03/2017 05:34

I feel guilty but don't want to be in a situation where I'm expected to offer a lift every day for years!

So you don't want to help but you don't want to feel guilty? Not sure you can have it both ways unless you harden your heart.

To all those people who are saying I take the bus and wouldn't want a lift, or I wouldn't want to be beholden to anyone, you have no idea if this is the case for this woman. A simple neighbourly offer could hugely improve her day. Where I live people are always doing things for each other. I've never paid for a babysitter because we swap around. When our children do activities in the holidays we have a lift rota. There are always some people who can't help with lifts but they do other things like have kids for tea. You never know, one day you could really benefit from leaving your child at this neighbour's while you have an appointment or something. Life is much nicer as part of a neighbourly community than everyone being an island.

supermoon100 · 09/03/2017 06:15

If you only live a 5 minute drive away just walk! Better for everyone and dilemma solved!

TheSultanofPingu · 09/03/2017 08:20

I dislike the idea of the op approaching the mum and offering lifts every now and again, because she has said she doesn't want to do it. It would be done grudgingly. I think that's why the suggestion is grating on me. People are making suggestions to help rid the op of feeling guilty.

dustarr73 · 09/03/2017 09:14

Sultanmy thoughts exactly.Op really don't offer if you're going to do it grudgingly.Ndn hasn't even asked you for a lift so I would just forget it.

Kitsandkids · 09/03/2017 09:34

I'm pretty sure I would do it. In fact, when we moved house a few months ago, further away from the school, I soon noticed that one child in the same year as my youngest lived along the road with their parents and baby brother. One morning when it was pouring we knocked for them to save mum having to bring the baby out. Child has been coming with us almost every day since. But I don't drive, we walk. Which takes about 25 minutes. We also call in at someone else's when we're 5 mins from the school and about half the time that boy comes with us too. It just seems a bit daft to me for three sets of adults to take 4 kids to school when we're all going the same way. That said, I never take the first child home. We don't go straight home at least 3 times a week so I couldn't do it anyway, but the mum has never asked me. The one we often collect once nearly there, his mum or dad often ring me when I'm on my way to the school to ask me to collect him. That's usually no bother as I either take him to the club we're going to or drop him en route. However I have had to put my foot down a couple of times to say I couldn't and I did feel a bit cross that I was having to fully explain why I couldn't when I thought me just saying 'really sorry, I can't today' should have been enough.

If I had a car it would be even easier to take kids to school. In your situation I would offer to take the child with you to school and pick them up from there, as long as you're coming straight home. But make sure you get the mum's number so you can let her know if you can't do it one day. And tell her that you can't promise you can do it every day.

dingdongthewitchisdead1 · 09/03/2017 10:02

I would take the kid to school for her. Just get an understanding that you can do it when it doesn't put you out. If you have somewhere to be or are sick etc she needs to be the back up. My neighbours and I do this for one another. It's kind and it makes life easier

purplecollar · 09/03/2017 10:13

I think also though op you're dismissing that she might be able to help you out one day.

They much prefer to turn up to parties/school events en masse and it saves a lot of faff if you share the journeys, even if her bit is by bus. The school disco is the worst for us - pick up from school, take back an hour later, then pick up again. If three of us share, we've only one of them to do.

As mentioned before I don't have a car in the day but I regularly have other people's dc when their parents are working late, can't get them into the holiday club, have a relative miles away who's ill. All sorts of reasons. I don't do it for everybody - as yes some do take the piss. But a select few who reciprocate and only ask for genuine reasons. You only find out who those people are by offering help in the first place.

Craigie · 09/03/2017 17:47

As someone who doesn't drive, but whose kids go to school over a mile away, I can say that I genuinely like the walk most of the time, but that I am very grateful to be offered a lift if the weather is terrible. There may come a time, e.g. if you are unwell, when it is in your interest to have a friendly neighbour willing to take your kids to school with them!

SquidgeyMidgey · 09/03/2017 17:54

I would offer to take the child, there's no need for you to be carting all of them around. Be clear he needs to ready at x time or you'll go without him, grab him as you go.

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