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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer this mum a lift

214 replies

pawpatrolcanfoff · 08/03/2017 13:08

I live opposite a young mum and her two children. They're both under 4.

She's on income support but looking for work.

I would always see her every morning taking her oldest to school while pushing the youngest in the pram. She takes the bus. It's uphill all the way so a bus is necessary for the journey really. She does this journey there and back twice a day.

I know a lot of people do similar.

My son has just started going to the same school. I leave after her and take my son in the car.

I don't see her on the way back as o get there earlier than her.

On the way back I always see her in the playground and we have a chat. I always feel quite guilty as I get into my car with my son, knowing we are driving to exactly where she house is and I have three car seats in the back.

I feel bad as I drive away and watch her waiting at the bus stop!

But I hate the idea of having to take her and her children every day for the rest of my sons time in school! I don't feel I can offer some days and not feel obliged to offer other days.

If it's pouring with rain I will offer but not unless the weather is bad.

I know it's not unreasonable but is that a little mean?

OP posts:
RevEm · 09/03/2017 18:00

Hmm....I can understand you might not want to tie yourself down. But to take her and her kids each day when you are both going to the same place would be a kindness. And the world needs a bit more kind.

Tracyjane64 · 09/03/2017 18:00

I walked my kids to school one in a pram and one each side holding on and on a bad weather day, or in winter I would really have appreciated a lift from a kind friend or neighbour. Many times I saw mums drive past me who literally lived a few doors down and across the road etc and even though we were all friendly in the playground they never once offered me a lift. Now everyone likes to be independent but there are times when we could do with a bit of a helping hand and some kindness, so yes I think yabu to not offer a lift occasionally, I'm sure she'd really be grateful, I know I would have been

PacificDogwod · 09/03/2017 18:01

I think you should walk too Grin

upsidedownmonkey · 09/03/2017 18:02

As a pp said - you don't need to take the mum and baby as well - just offer to take the child that's in reception with yours. An extra child in the car is a lot less of an issue than another adult who you have to talk too! Be clear about arrangements for exchange so she knows if she's late she's on her own. You will definitely be grateful for someone who owes you a favour in the future!
If you do decide to make it regular make sure you agree to review the arrangements every term so there is an easy way to change or stop.

listsandbudgets · 09/03/2017 18:02

Disclaimer short on time and not read thread.

I don't drive for medical reasons. Most of the time we happily take the bus but every now and then someone offers me/us a lift and even though I don't always say yes it is nice to be offered. I always try to offer to help when I can - for example DD goes to an after school activity which I take her to by taxi so I fill taxi with by taking 2 of her friends so its not all one way.

Offer occasionally if it suits you, don't make a habit of it but its always good to be friendly with neighbours. The day you wake up feeling too sick to drive you'll be glad to be able to ask her to take your dc on the bus and not have to go out

SittingWithMyFeetUP12 · 09/03/2017 18:02

I think its a bit mean, since she has to get the bus..I'm sure she wouldnt mind if you said sometimes, you might need to phone and say you cant give her a lift that morning, if you gave her plenty of notice..perhaps offer her a lift twice a week? To see how you get on.

PacificDogwod · 09/03/2017 18:04

Seriously, talk to her about it.
"Would you like a lift? I can't offer you one every day though".
She may say no.

I enjoyed my walks to school, at one point with 2 in double buggy and one strapped to my chest while schoolboy was walking.
And still I almost cried with relief when a neighbour almost wrestled the pram off me on a snowy day when I struggled to push it uphill. She offered only once and I needed the kindness only once.

Speak to her - nothing wrong with that, is there? Smile

Alanna1 · 09/03/2017 18:10

I'd offer, not least because days will come when you need help, but also because I just would. But why not be honest? You don't want to do it every day because you value that time alone with your kids too? Suggest days/times that suit you?

Cosette123 · 09/03/2017 18:13

I know exactly what you mean and it would honestly stress me out if I had to give someone a lift daily and sort my own children out. Suggest you give a lift home only and only if u r going straight home etc. giving a lift to school could become quite inconvenient if say she is running late. However I'd probably say to her that's if she was ever really stuck and needed a lift to school or needed you to take her child that that would be fine. We should all do more for our neighbours imo xx

Sweets101 · 09/03/2017 18:14

I wouldn't offer all 3 a lift, seems a bit pointless. But i would offer a lift for the kid.

arlene123 · 09/03/2017 18:17

Can't you offer to take the child?

Pinbasket · 09/03/2017 18:21

How hard is it to just take the child to school whenever you're going?
Just tell her what time you're leaving and have the child waiting at the car! Let her know if you can't do it for any reason.
It'd save her loads of bus fare and having to drag the baby out too. a She'll then only need to go and collect in the afternoon.
It's great having a neighbour as a friend just across the road to help each other out sometimes, or borrow an egg or a carrot etc

SuperFlyHigh · 09/03/2017 18:25

Offer to take her child to school. But be prepared for her to say no she prefers the bus ride or taking him herself.

Do say though to her there may be times when you can't take him so she'd have to factor in for that.

She may reciprocate saying she'd do a play date and invite your child over etc...

SuperFlyHigh · 09/03/2017 18:26

Also you don't know her circumstances, she could be thinking of learning to drive/getting a car etc.... So it doesn't have to be forever.

exaltedwombat · 09/03/2017 18:30

You're adding to pollution on the school run when there's a bus available. If you MUST drive, you have empty seats. If you plan to drive every day, barring special circumstances, you could maybe make it easier for this woman to take a job. You would be clocking up child-minding and other mum-support credits.

Now, what was your reason for NOT offering again?

Turboblonde1970 · 09/03/2017 18:35

I honestly could not just drive by without asking her would she like a lift maybe explain sometimes you can't do it but were you can you will how about give her a break and take the child thats in school for her on the colder and wet days ask her she might not even want a lift of you ☺

smellyboot · 09/03/2017 18:35

Id give a lift

smellyboot · 09/03/2017 18:36

Actually id offer to just take child or just walk both of them.

Soubriquet · 09/03/2017 18:37

I would offer the child

She might come in handy and take your child to school one day when you're sick

valeview · 09/03/2017 18:38

I remember a very similar situation, except the 'lady on the bus' actually asked me outright... so I said yes, and before long, she would wait in the house till I was outside, then she would get her kids shoes and coats on, mouthing 'won't be a minute' (No, more like 10 fucking minutes) and eventually get on board... so I started setting out 10 minutes earlier, as it was making us not exactly LATE but making it touch and go most mornings, and before I knew it, I was extending the school run there and back, by half an hour.... but I was stuck with it... if you sense she's the sort to do this, then think hard before saying anything

Mikklehaha · 09/03/2017 18:49

Of course you should not feel obliged to help anyone out but, I must admit, I would offer to take the child. I would make it clear that I leave at a certain time and if the child is not right there on time then they will miss the lift. It's no trouble to text the night before if, for some reason, it's not convenient the next day.
Our family motto is: Above all things, Kindness.
Helping others is good for the soul. 😊

user1488622841 · 09/03/2017 18:55

YANBU

There is a chance that this mother might not want to be tied into a lift everyday either.

However in a perfect world it would be nice if she knew she could ask if the weather was a problem or she had another major issue.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/03/2017 18:58

I am a non car driver, and noway would I expect a lift everyday. Its nice that you offer on bad days, I would be happy with that, and offer you money for your petrol. But noway would I ask you.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 09/03/2017 19:14

I think I'd find it hard to drive to school knowing my neighbour is going the same place and they are having to pay bus fares. I am the most anti social person I know so I do get not wanting to tie yourself down to having someone in your car everyday but I'd have to offer.

I give people lifts if I'm going in their general direction. I give a colleague a lift regularly even though I feel tied to leaving at certain times sometimes, because the bus takes her over an hour and it's a nice thing to do. Driving takes about ten to fifteen minutes.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 09/03/2017 19:17

Why would you just not walk? If it's that close, neither a bus or car is really needed.

If she doesn't have a car she's obviously happy to make her own way but I'd offer in bad weather. Offering every day means you can't go out some where else after the school run like work, shopping etc.

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