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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer this mum a lift

214 replies

pawpatrolcanfoff · 08/03/2017 13:08

I live opposite a young mum and her two children. They're both under 4.

She's on income support but looking for work.

I would always see her every morning taking her oldest to school while pushing the youngest in the pram. She takes the bus. It's uphill all the way so a bus is necessary for the journey really. She does this journey there and back twice a day.

I know a lot of people do similar.

My son has just started going to the same school. I leave after her and take my son in the car.

I don't see her on the way back as o get there earlier than her.

On the way back I always see her in the playground and we have a chat. I always feel quite guilty as I get into my car with my son, knowing we are driving to exactly where she house is and I have three car seats in the back.

I feel bad as I drive away and watch her waiting at the bus stop!

But I hate the idea of having to take her and her children every day for the rest of my sons time in school! I don't feel I can offer some days and not feel obliged to offer other days.

If it's pouring with rain I will offer but not unless the weather is bad.

I know it's not unreasonable but is that a little mean?

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 08/03/2017 13:53

Have car seats changed a lot in recent years.
We just bought one each from Argos and they did from babies until tall enough to not need them anymore.
I thought they just turned into booster seats in the end.

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2017 13:54

I would give her a lift. I hate having an empty car- it makes me feel guilty.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/03/2017 13:55

How about just offering her the lift home? Then you're not worried about her running late or opting out of taking her children.

I've been on both sides to be fair; I enjoyed being offered a lift but I enjoyed walking so it certainly wasn't an expectation. And a couple of years later I used to drive past one of the mums in DD's class. I used to pick her up if it's was raining and for a few months when she was pregnant.

LauraMarling · 08/03/2017 13:57

You should offer as she probably wouldn't want to tie you into her life everyday either (school runs can be hectic and unpredictable)

But atleast she would know if for some reason she needed a lift she could count on you.

Birdsgottaf1y · 08/03/2017 13:59

If offer on really bad weather days.

As said, I didn't drive when my children were young and I wouldn't have wanted a lift every day.

I like walking, so do many others. There's people I hate going on holiday with, because they always want to hire a car and never try out the local busses/walk.

CosyCoupe88 · 08/03/2017 13:59

I would offer a lift personally but I can also see why you are hesitant too. Maybe just every other week or something if she gets a weekly bus pass.. my colleague and I used to both work full time 45 minutes away and lives right near eaxh other but didn't want to commit to lifts every day si we just said 1 day a week each and that saved us a lot of money but still gave us our flexible days and quiet journeys too!

Pigflewpast · 08/03/2017 13:59

I don't understand why you would have to take the mum and younger child, just give the school aged child a lift and take him in / pick him up with your child?
Just be clear there may be days you're not going straight home after school etc
You might find as people have said, that she turns down your offer anyway but at least you've offered.

MrsJayy · 08/03/2017 14:00

I am sure this mum isn't expecting a lift but if you would like to help her maybe offer a lift home some days if you offer and she says no then least you offered I dont get why you are feeling so guilty though it is 10 minutes not an hour .

MrsJayy · 08/03/2017 14:02

I didnt drive when my kids were young it really isn't the end of the world

EssentialHummus · 08/03/2017 14:02

I'd offer two days a week or something, so you don't feel obliged daily.

EmeraldScorn · 08/03/2017 14:03

If you're going in the same direction why would you not offer her a lift? She lives across the street, both of your children are in the same school and you have experience of financial hardship yourself, so I'm sure you know what a burden funding travel expenses can be on little income - You could and should (in my opinion) offer her a lift.

It seems selfish, unreasonable and simply stupid not to have offered already, I'd give her the lifts.

You could even just say to her "I can give you a lift 3 times a week, I've commitments on the other days so I can't manage the whole week" that way you won't feel overly "tied in" and you'd still be helping her out. She may not actually want a lift but it would be nice of you to ask her.

caffeinequick · 08/03/2017 14:04

To be honest if I had the car seats already in the car I'd offer her a lift. Although a few months in I'd probably end up wishing I hadn't :)

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2017 14:04

Or you could offer just to take the child?

yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef · 08/03/2017 14:08

Crikey, that's pretty mean. A task that takes you about half an hour a day probably takes her two hours. I'm glad I'm not your neighbour.

Sorry, I would offer on the proviso that I couldn't do it every day. If you're out and going to the school from a different direction then she'll have to get the bus.

I'm sure she would be grateful for any help even if it was a couple of days a week.

longestlurkerever · 08/03/2017 14:11

I do find this type of thread depressing. I do get that being relied upon is a pita but if I actually had the car there with the seats in and everything and was going past her house I don't think I could not offer. If it's not convenient on some days then just say "Sorry, I'm not going straight back today so can't offer a lift but see you tomorrow" or something.

MrsXx4 · 08/03/2017 14:12

Can't you just offer to take her little one to school and save her even leaving the house if she has a little one she also has to drag out? that way you don't need to make small talk and she may appreciate the extra time in her day to job hunt etc.

That's what I'd do anyway.

PrizePrawn · 08/03/2017 14:15

I would definitely give her a lift. It sounds like she is having a tough time of it.

CryingShame · 08/03/2017 14:16

DH offers to take a neighbour's DD to school of days when he knows their younger siblings are ill. You could look at something like this, mum can stay at home with the little one and you take the school aged child to save mum having to get the ill younger one out, then it's not a regular commitment.

Gottagetmoving · 08/03/2017 14:17

You don't really want to offer the lift but you are looking for confirmation that it's ok not to.
If you felt that bad you would offer the lift.
You are also assuming it will cause you a problem in the future.
You could ask the woman if she would like a lift but point out you may not be able to do it every day.

Wayfarersonbaby · 08/03/2017 14:18

I would be totally upfront about it with her, don't hide behind a very British awkwardness. Pop over at some time not on the school run and say "I've noticed you end up walking and taking the bus to school. I can offer you a lift on some days, especially when it's raining, but can't commit to it as an everyday guarantee because some days I will need to pop elsewhere/may need to go early/all sorts of other reasons. How could we arrange this so that I can help you out on the days when I'm able to do so without it being an everyday arrangement?"

Then you've made a generous and helpful offer but everyone's clear about the parameters. She might well not want to be offered a lift everyday for similar reasons. But if you are keen to help, why not be upfront about what you could offer? Then no-one gets offended or obliged.

Nodowntime · 08/03/2017 14:20

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purplecollar · 08/03/2017 14:21

The woman two doors away from me drives to school and back every day. We walk as we only have one car and dh takes it for work. I don't expect her to give me a lift every day. She asks if she happens to leave the house at the same time as me. But I'm quite happy with my own arrangement really. I only accept if I'm running late or it's pouring down.

So I think you're overthinking this. Just offer if you're standing next to her and don't otherwise. If she gets cheeky and asks if you can do it every day, just say no you don't want to be tied to it. As they get older you can share things so that one drops off, the other picks up. It's really useful if they're going to parties and sports things.

Fontella · 08/03/2017 14:23

I think you should offer and just be clear there will be times it isn't convenient.

This

Just be as honest as you have been here. Have a chat with her and tell her it's daft her getting the bus every day when you live right opposite, but there will be frequent occasions when it's not convenient, so if she could carry on using the bus on those days, then fine.

She might be relieved to get an occasional lift (especially in lousy weather), or she might decline, but at least you've addressed the issue with her instead of wondering and feeling 'bad' about it.

SanitysSake · 08/03/2017 14:27

I think you're a good woman for giving consideration to this. A lot of people wouldn't. So, that's a wonderful thing.

As a previous poster(s) have suggested; in your chats, perhaps give her your number or say casually and in passing 'you know, If there's ever a time you need a lift or it's chucking it down, please just shout'.

If it's done gently there'd be no expectation. Just a lot of gratitude and a bit more bonding on both sides, I'm sure. That can only be a lovely thing!

madmoon · 08/03/2017 14:30

A girl I know who lives 20 minutes walk from school no local bus etc , I live closer but when weathers very bad I take my car I been known to ring / message her and say it's really bad out would u like a life , I don't always , some days I am later than normal anyway.
I don't see and issue if you getting in the car and you feel like it too offer on wet days . If you don't offer all the time you don't get tied into it .

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