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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer this mum a lift

214 replies

pawpatrolcanfoff · 08/03/2017 13:08

I live opposite a young mum and her two children. They're both under 4.

She's on income support but looking for work.

I would always see her every morning taking her oldest to school while pushing the youngest in the pram. She takes the bus. It's uphill all the way so a bus is necessary for the journey really. She does this journey there and back twice a day.

I know a lot of people do similar.

My son has just started going to the same school. I leave after her and take my son in the car.

I don't see her on the way back as o get there earlier than her.

On the way back I always see her in the playground and we have a chat. I always feel quite guilty as I get into my car with my son, knowing we are driving to exactly where she house is and I have three car seats in the back.

I feel bad as I drive away and watch her waiting at the bus stop!

But I hate the idea of having to take her and her children every day for the rest of my sons time in school! I don't feel I can offer some days and not feel obliged to offer other days.

If it's pouring with rain I will offer but not unless the weather is bad.

I know it's not unreasonable but is that a little mean?

OP posts:
LondonSouth28 · 09/03/2017 19:26

Honestly, I would offer her a lift and accept it may on some occasions not be ideal. I'd offer for a few reasons - 1. You've been on income support - you know first hand that bus fare money can make a massive difference to her life. 2. What if you need her to help you? Pick up your child and bring them home with her on an occasion? Baby sit? In that sense think of it as an investment. 3. Life is too short to not help each other. Won't it make you feel good to know you're helping her? We need to support each other more - women need to help each other more. Don't over think it. Help her - you'll feel good for that. Just my thoughts, xx

MyNameIsASACshraderAndYouCanGo · 09/03/2017 19:35

I'd offer. It's no bother to carry the extra child, is it? I imagine they won't make you late either as they are used to setting off earlier than you. I wouldn't think much of myself if I didn't offer a hand to someone who could really use it, especially if it was no skin off my nose to do so.
I have a large car and often stop to offer lifts to strangers or casual acquaintances going to my child's school in bad weather or if I see kids being dragged along running late.

MamaMagellanic · 09/03/2017 19:37

I'd feel guilty too OP but totally understand you not wanting to get tied to it! Keep as you are unless the weather is awful?

Sadmummy99 · 09/03/2017 19:48

I used to do the shared transport, Ask her if you can take in the mornings and get her to brng your child home, you will find it is well worth the effort, not having to go out in the afternoon, and she won't have to rush to get her other child ready in the mornings.

ShelaghTurner · 09/03/2017 19:52

It's a tough one. I love across the road from a family whose two children go to the same school as my two. We do drops offs and pick ups in convoy. It really is very silly! However, we've tried sharing it before and her kids and my youngest hated it so we abandoned it. It's daft both of us going but sharing doesn't work.

Marilynsbigsister · 09/03/2017 19:56

Suggest splitting the job (if she's interested) . You take in the car Monday to Wednesday , she brings both home on the bus. Thursday and Friday you bring home and she takes on the bus. That way you both yet the opportunity for drop off and pick ups. I know I couldn't drive past my neighbour on the way to the same destination. My suggestion gives you both free time, and doesn't make it a 'one way' favour. So shouldn't make your friend feel uncomfortable. Stress that you are happy for it to be flexible if you need to swap around days sometime.

Acts of random kindness are what separate human beings from animals. Never miss the chance to make someone's day better.

Strongmummy · 09/03/2017 19:57

Why are you trying to assuage your guilt on a public forum? You either offer her a lift or accept that you don't want to be tied to doing it!

Marilynsbigsister · 09/03/2017 20:00

Shelagh really ? How about as the parent you just tell the kids how it is. Mine certainly wouldn't have been allowed to dictate . Ecologically very poor to be driving dcs from same area in same direction just because they 'hated it' . Especially once they were beyond reception age. Not their choice. Mine.

emmakc1977 · 09/03/2017 20:03

I would definitely offer her a lift if I saw her but wouldn't make an arrangement to do it every day, just if I happened to be coming out at the same time.

Ticketybootoo · 09/03/2017 20:12

It would be a tie and she may not want a lift ! I offered someone who child went to my daughters school a lift when it was raining one day when she was struggling along with a buggy and she turned it down . Maybe she couldn't stand the thought of getting ointo the car with us but I saw her regularly taking the bus afterwards and she seemed fine. Don't feel guilty she sounds like she's doing fine

SherbrookeFosterer · 09/03/2017 20:20

If your children are the same age, just bite it and do it.

Think of it as God's work.

You never know what is around the corner!

Deidre21 · 09/03/2017 20:21

Offer for rainy days/bad weather and perhaps to bring just the child home occasionally after school.

StarUtopia · 09/03/2017 20:23

I would do it. I think the fact that you're feeling bad about it shows that you know it's being mean watching her struggle.

It doesn't have to be all the time - she's clearly capable of managing it. But my gosh, you could make such a difference to her life with minimal effort on your behalf.

Pay it forward...

ShelaghTurner · 09/03/2017 20:40

Yeah sure. I'll just tell them how it is. So the two youngest children get to school in the morning utterly hysterical and inconsolable, just in the mood for learning. Great way for a reception and Year 1 child to start their school careers.

Youallpissmeoff · 09/03/2017 21:08

Nodowntime
The child wasn't a freak. He obviously had additional needs or behavioural disorders. Maybe he had OCD or intrusive thoughts.

You are being spectacularly bitchy and ignorant to describe him as a freak.
Imagine how hard it must be for him and his family. Oh no, you probably won't do that. Don't want to think about a foaming at the mouth freak do you?

impossible · 09/03/2017 21:16

I would offer her a lift and just make sure there are occasions when you don't take her so it doesnt become a bind. You could also offer to take just her dc.

LouKout · 09/03/2017 22:01

Hear hear Youall

CountessWindyBottom · 09/03/2017 22:11

I think people are being terribly hard on the OP. She'd like to help but is loath to getting tied down and I can't say I blame her.

Why not be straight with her? Exchange numbers and say you're not in a position to commit to daily lifts but tell the woman that if she's ever ill or if the weather is bad not to hesitate to ask for help if she ever needs it. Similarly if it's snowing or rainy drop her a text asking her if she would like for you to take her boy to school that day. It's no biggie. You can be kind and neighbourly without making yourself into the local chauffeur.

JustSpeakSense · 09/03/2017 22:11

I'd give a lift and then after a few times I'd say that I'm very happy to give lifts, but if I'm off out after school run or kids are ill etc. I don't want to feel tied into offering lifts, I think you'd feel better if you've been honest about wanting to help but your reservations. She will understand and be relieved you've been open.

Having a neighbour who is in debt to you is not a bad thing Wink

Freomom · 10/03/2017 00:08

Offer her a lift. Please. It may be the break she needs. You can tell her in advance the days it's not convenient. It may work well for you and it's the right thing to do. We need to be kinder to people. All of us and this is an easy one.

Strygil · 10/03/2017 00:11

For Christ's sake: one day when the children are all at school invite her in for a coffee and talk the matter through. You can't realistically offer a lift every day - if your children are ill, for example, you can't leave them to drive hers in - but you could come to some sensible arrangement, surely? Anything would be better than you driving past her at the bus stop knowing that she has to struggle with children and buggies to get to school - that's just selfish.

avamiah · 10/03/2017 00:25

OP,
Why did you need to let us know that she is on income support ?
What has that got to do with anything?

fullofhope03 · 10/03/2017 00:28

It would be really nice of you to offer her a lift. Personally, there's no way I could drive past her at the bus stop and carry on my merry way

avamiah · 10/03/2017 00:40

OP,
Has it ever crossed your mind that she is happy getting the bus and has never thought that you should offer her a lift.
Maybe you have too much time on your hands if this woman and her 4 kids is bothering you that much you need to post it on here .
Do you not have a job either ?

Jaynebxl · 10/03/2017 06:15

Has it ever crossed your mind that she is happy getting the bus and has never thought that you should offer her a lift.

But nobody will ever know. She could be perfectly happy or she could find it a real struggle. Or it could be somewhere in between where some days it's nice and some days it's miserable.

And I would guess that since lots of people have posted saying she might be happy that it probably has crossed OPs mind.