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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not offer this mum a lift

214 replies

pawpatrolcanfoff · 08/03/2017 13:08

I live opposite a young mum and her two children. They're both under 4.

She's on income support but looking for work.

I would always see her every morning taking her oldest to school while pushing the youngest in the pram. She takes the bus. It's uphill all the way so a bus is necessary for the journey really. She does this journey there and back twice a day.

I know a lot of people do similar.

My son has just started going to the same school. I leave after her and take my son in the car.

I don't see her on the way back as o get there earlier than her.

On the way back I always see her in the playground and we have a chat. I always feel quite guilty as I get into my car with my son, knowing we are driving to exactly where she house is and I have three car seats in the back.

I feel bad as I drive away and watch her waiting at the bus stop!

But I hate the idea of having to take her and her children every day for the rest of my sons time in school! I don't feel I can offer some days and not feel obliged to offer other days.

If it's pouring with rain I will offer but not unless the weather is bad.

I know it's not unreasonable but is that a little mean?

OP posts:

Lemonnaise · 08/03/2017 15:53

Why not just take her son?

thedcbrokemybank · 08/03/2017 16:16

I would offer to take her son at least a few days a week to be honest. I take my dn and it is no bother at all. You are going that way anyway so for something that takes very little effort on your part you cold probably considerably help her.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 08/03/2017 16:23

My kids are grown up now, but many years ago when my youngest was in year one I found myself driving past a new mother to our school heavily pregnant at the time , her son was in my child's class. Because the school was over a mile away and as the mum looked like she was going to give birth fairly soon I thought it would be a neighbourly gesture to offer to give her son a lift with my children. They lived round the corner from me. I ended up taking him for the next three years. However, it was problematic for quite a few reasons, when I called for him his mother didn't always have him ready, on a couple of occasions he was still eating his Weetabix and we were all late. There were a couple of occasions when I dropped child back, his mother was still out shopping so I had to bring him to ours once this was till 6 pm. I did tell her quite snappily that my offer was a lift to and from school and not babysitting afterwards. The child's mother was in a new relationship and child wasn't very happy I understood why and asked my kids to try and cut him some slack. Unfortunately because he was miserable he could be difficult he tried to insist that my son played with him exclusively and not with other friends which my son didn't want to do, he argued a lot with my older child who was also in the car mornings and afternoons. Things came to a head when the mum started on a degree course and against my better judgement asked if she could drop him off at our house instead of me picking him up, but that time got earlier and earlier. All in all it was a nightmare, I stuck it for 3 years a lot of friends told me I was mad to do so. The main impetus for telling her I couldn't do it anymore our children fell out. I have to say I found the school run far less stressful once I had made the decision not to take him. I suppose when I made the initial offer, not knowing the mother, I had no idea that it would turn out to be quite an onerous long term commitment. My advice, offer the occasional lift, but think twice about doing it every day.

mollymaid16 · 08/03/2017 16:40

I would take her son to school but state that he had to be at your house for a certain one that you won't call over and get him if late or not present.

Ferrisday · 08/03/2017 16:44

I wouldn't offer her a lift because

I don't want to make conversation
They could end up taking advantage
They might make you late
Too much stress
Other people's children

But then I'm a bit antisocial and anxious right now

PollytheDolly · 08/03/2017 16:53

Ferris - after my own heart!

trulybadlydeeply · 08/03/2017 16:59

Don't feel guilty, you have absolutely no reason that she has even thought about you offering her a lift.

However it would, IMO be neighbourly just to say to her one day that if she is ever stuck getting her DS to school (eg if she or her baby are poorly) then you would be happy to take her DS. You never know when you might need her to take your DS or pick him up. It's always useful to have people you can call on for help with school trips, so it works both ways.

TileTileTile · 08/03/2017 17:03

One thought tho - depending on the age or height of her son he may need a car seat and you might not have a spare. Doubt she will have one if she doesn't have a car.

MerryMarigold · 08/03/2017 17:04

I would offer a lift there (without Mum, let her stay home) and make sure kid got into class. Coming home I would suggest she gets him as sometimes teachers want to speak to the parent, or later there will be clubs etc. If there was a problem, eg. your child is sick and you're not going, just give her the head's up an hour or so before. Sorted.

minionsrule · 08/03/2017 17:07

When my DS started primary I used to see my neighbour walking to school, with her DD, same thing no car etc. DD was a couple of years older but one day I offered her a lift, I was dropping at school then going onto work so could only do one way. She initially said no but then did take me up on the offer when her DD was with her (not with dad).

After a while I just took her DD and mum didn't come as DD could walk in on her own after I parked, worked fine for a few years till her DD left actually. If I or DS was ill I would text mum to let her know and she did the same with me.
In fact one day I got to work and noticed she had left her lunchbag on the back seat - I drove back to school and dropped it off (shines halo).
Each to their own but mum and I became good friends and she always bought my DS a little something at xmas and now and again I got a bottle of wine

Sgtmajormummy · 08/03/2017 17:07

Next time I saw her in the park I would offer her my number and say if she had problems getting her son to school on a certain day to give me a call.

Non-commital and the ball is in her court.

stoopido · 08/03/2017 17:14

I wouldn't offer because I wouldn't want the extra responsibility of it. If she hasn't asked then I would just get on with my own life!

milliemolliemou · 08/03/2017 17:16

I'd just make it clear what you can offer and when and other PPs suggestions of just offering if weather is bad. My concern would be her admirably looking for a job and getting caught up in conflicts between her childcare and yours.

SheSaidHeSaid · 08/03/2017 17:20

You aren't obliged to but if I were you I'd get her phone number and on the odd occasion text her in the morning offering the lift to her son, then you don't have a set routine and shes not completely reliant on you... no pressure then.

TheFirstMrsDV · 08/03/2017 17:20

I was that other mum for a long time.
TBH I don't think I would have accepted an offer of a regular lift.
The thought of it would have been lovely but I would have felt tied to it and awkward about it.

Even if its a 'when its raining thing' it could be a bit awkward because you would leave later than her usual setting off time so she would have to wait on the off chance that its raining enough and your dc is going to school.

I don't think you are mean not to offer.

Serialweightwatcher · 08/03/2017 17:21

I probably wouldn't when it's school runs, simply because it becomes a normal carry on and becomes pressurised .. I know someone who once offered a neighbour a lift with her child and it ended up that it just became a routine and got a bit much at times if the other child wasn't ready etc

Verbena37 · 08/03/2017 17:22

Can you fit three full back boosters in your car then?
I'd offer if it's raining perhaps but otherwise I wouldn't worry.
I couldn't be bothered with putting car seats in and out each time.
It makes it a big tie offering every day.

AndKnowItsSeven · 08/03/2017 17:23

I would offer to take just her ds but only if he is on your doorstep for 8.30 or whatever is five minutes before you leave. Give five minutes grace and then drive away.

littlefrog3 · 08/03/2017 17:28

Tricky one. I would feel a bit bad too, but you have to be careful to not set a precedent. It may get to the point where she expects it and gets sniffy if you can't do it anymore or don't WANT to do it anymore.

Personally I wouldn't offer. If she doesn't want to walk, she can get a car can she not? And IME, people who work are not always any better off financially than people who are on benefits.

Boygirlmummy · 08/03/2017 17:31

I would do it, probably every day too. I can't see a reason why you wouldn't really.

MrsJayy · 08/03/2017 17:33

I would have felt awkward to I think if a neighbour offered an every day lift. Dds friends mum was forever trying to give her lifts to secondary when she was quite content walking

NetballHoop · 08/03/2017 17:36

I'd offer to take them in if she needed help on occasion, partly to be nice, but also because there will be times when you could use someone to take yours into/back from school.

littlefrog3 · 08/03/2017 17:39

It's a slippery slope giving people lifts, as many people do come to expect them. Been bitten many times in the past by doing people favours - including giving lifts, and they wanted lifts continually and got snarky when I stopped. Never again.

Nor would I ever take lifts. Never have; even when I couldn't drive. Always walked, cycled, or took the bus. If someone else pays all their money out for their car with petrol and maintenance costs and tax and insurance, why should I benefit from free lifts?

cowgirlsareforever · 08/03/2017 17:41

She may enjoy walking. I wave to plenty of people I know on the school run who are in cars. I think they know I'm walking because I enjoy it.

littlefrog3 · 08/03/2017 17:41

I'm beginning to wonder if this is a reverse? (ie; the OP is the 'single mum' who has some woman she lives near to, whizzing by her every day in the car, and not giving her a lift, and she thinks she should.........)

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