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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer this mum a lift

214 replies

pawpatrolcanfoff · 08/03/2017 13:08

I live opposite a young mum and her two children. They're both under 4.

She's on income support but looking for work.

I would always see her every morning taking her oldest to school while pushing the youngest in the pram. She takes the bus. It's uphill all the way so a bus is necessary for the journey really. She does this journey there and back twice a day.

I know a lot of people do similar.

My son has just started going to the same school. I leave after her and take my son in the car.

I don't see her on the way back as o get there earlier than her.

On the way back I always see her in the playground and we have a chat. I always feel quite guilty as I get into my car with my son, knowing we are driving to exactly where she house is and I have three car seats in the back.

I feel bad as I drive away and watch her waiting at the bus stop!

But I hate the idea of having to take her and her children every day for the rest of my sons time in school! I don't feel I can offer some days and not feel obliged to offer other days.

If it's pouring with rain I will offer but not unless the weather is bad.

I know it's not unreasonable but is that a little mean?

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 08/03/2017 14:32

I wouldnt worry too much, i I hate being beholden to people ( however good the intention behind it) and prefer my own steam every time.
She may not think like this, but she still speaks to you and seems okay with things as they are, she might enjoy the bus, not everyone are keen on cars and it would turn into a 'thing' which is awkward at times when her child isnt in school, or if your child is ill or something like that. Every day can be different with children. I would leave personally - if she gets a job she may end up going a different way to somewhere after the school run anyway!

smileyhappypeople · 08/03/2017 14:32

Hmmm I'd probably leave her to get bus there but if I was speaking to her in playground and then driving straight home I'd offer lift... so don't make it an arrangement just offer when you see her then you're not stuck.

KitKat1985 · 08/03/2017 14:33

I wouldn't start it. I know that sounds mean but I've been in situations similar to this a couple of times before (not with school runs but lifts from work). What starts as a nice offer which is generously accepted, slowly becomes an expectation that you will take them every day, whether it's convenient or not, and you get stuck with it for fucking ever. And then they start running late and expect you to wait for them (because they've missed the bus by now) and then you end up running bloody late too. And at the end of the day they faff the fuck about so you end up waiting for then for ages before you can leave. I've vowed never to start this again. It's more hassle than it sounds.

marthastew · 08/03/2017 14:43

You are asking on here for others to justify your decision. Does that mean that deep down you are uncomfortable with it?

As others have said, you never know when you will need your neighbour to be kind to you.

LouKout · 08/03/2017 14:45

Be careful that the guilt of not doing it doesnt start to be worse than actually going through with it.

Sleepsleepnomore · 08/03/2017 14:45

seems an obvious trick being missed here: why not see if she's interested in splitting the school runs with you? So that you take her child one day, she takes yours (on the bus) another day. I know it'd cost you a child's fare once they're 5 but it'd be time saved for you both? I'd be tempted to try that, that way it's mutually beneficial. I think you're a nice person for feeling bad, it wouldn't cross a lot of people's minds and I also think offering to help when it's convenient to you or not at all is fine.

Joinourclub · 08/03/2017 14:48

I don't drive and I wouldn't want to be offered a daily lift. I'd feel rude turning it down, but I'm perfectly happy walking or catching the bus and so are my kids. If I was waiting st an uncovered bus stop in the pouring rain I would probably accept a lift though!!

fairweathercyclist · 08/03/2017 14:50

I agree I think I would offer her a lift home if I happen to talk to her in the playground and then give her your mobile and say "text me if it's raining and you'd like a lift".

I would not want to get into a regular arrangement because they are hard to get out of, but the odd occasion is fine.

MorrisZapp · 08/03/2017 14:51

As far as saving her a bus fare goes, she probably has a bus pass and her little kids travel free.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 08/03/2017 14:53

I would hate to be tied to this on a daily basis. Yanbu.

As people have suggested maybe on a rainy day if you see her.

MuseumOfCurry · 08/03/2017 14:53

I agree you should offer and let her know you can't commit.

She may well say no, and then you can carry on as you are, but guilt-free.

I'd feel awkward with your current arrangement.

Youdosomething · 08/03/2017 14:55

I would be daft enough to think I needed to drive a different way sometimes either there or back, just so she thinks I have other committments!😉😳

TheSultanofPingu · 08/03/2017 15:00

wayfarersonbaby I'm sorry, but I would have hated for someone to say that to me when I used to walk my children to school. The mother hasn't asked for a lift. She may be more than happy doing what she's doing.
I think a lot of suggestions given are aimed at making the op feel better for not offering.

Blinkyblink · 08/03/2017 15:02

I totally get where you're coming from.

If I were you I would give her my number and say that if she we needs a lift, say if her younger one is portly is she is poorly, then please do ring for a lift.

And take her number so that when the weather is crap, you can drop her a message to say that you will pick her up

EchoesofEmpires · 08/03/2017 15:12

I had a similar situation with an ex ndn, her son was in the same school as mine plus she worked there as a ta. We would walk, it was about 20 minutes on foot, she drove. We'd set out a few minutes before her every morning, she'd pass us as we reached the main road then we'd pass her as she got stuck in school run traffic, she'd pass us and then we'd pass her rinse repeat the whole way. Most of the time we'd reach the school before her. I rarely saw her in the playground, it was on my way to work so I'd drop and run. Never saw her at home-time since my mum did pick ups.
She never offered a lift and I honestly didn't want her to, it would have been awkward and it was already a fairly cool relationship. In her eyes we were clearly her inferiors in socio-economic status because we didn't have a second car and we rented while they owned, she made it a point to note when we first moved in that she had a direct contact for the landlord 'in case of problems with tenants'.

OP, you sound far nicer than my ex ndn, I'd offer if the weather is really bad and you pass her en route, she'd probably really appreciate it and I doubt if it would raise expectations of it being a regular thing.

Original poster
pawpatrolcanfoff · 08/03/2017 15:14

Thanks everyone.

I feel guilty but don't want to be in a situation where I'm expected to offer a lift every day for years!

It just seems mean not to offer even if she doesn't want a lift at all. My mum had four of us, no car and never wanted a lift from anyone.

OP posts:
Wayfarersonbaby · 08/03/2017 15:20

Sultan why would anyone object to that? Why on earth is it better to wallow in a kind of awkwardness about it rather than just be open and upfront? If the mum doesn't fancy it, she can just say "That's lovely of you, but we wouldn't like to be beholden and are perfectly fine", or "Thank you, perhaps if it's raining we'd love it, but no other days thanks." Or whatever she likes.

Or, if the OP really doesn't want to offer but wants to feel better about not doing so, she could say "we wish we could help by dropping you off, but I have to be somewhere else after school most days. But let me know if you really need a hand and I could take your child if you or the smaller one are ever ill." Or any variant of the above.

There's a lot of this British awkwardness about giving people a helping hand when they are having a tough time. It's not much use to sort of squirm about it or assume that someone would be too proud to be asked. We on MN can't know whether the other mum would like the help or not; in that case, why not just ask and make the ground of the offer clear?

Tigerblue · 08/03/2017 15:21

I get where you're coming from, you half want to help but don't want to be 100% committed. I've got a much older one and I would point that as they get older they want to have friends back a lot more (we often had two a week), do after school clubs, you might need to do shopping on the way back or pop in and see a friend, so it's how you deal with that and don't guilt trip yourself over it.

Sleepsleepnomore · 08/03/2017 15:25

are you totally against the idea of a regular commitment where you split the runs between you for say, a couple of days a week? I wouldn't like the offer of help I couldn't reciprocate personally.

chocatoo · 08/03/2017 15:27

I'd offer a lift but I'd ask her to be at my house and drop off at my house. I'd make a point of saying occasionally that I couldn't do certain days for what ever reason. I did a favour like that and now, several years on, our circumstances have changed, I'm working and the Mum concerned has repaid the favour a hundred times over...also we have become great friends.

RB68 · 08/03/2017 15:32

I would offer for when the weather is inclement - so swap numbers, then if you are stuck and can't get back she could collect yours maybe as a favour one day - you just never know when you will need it.

Goodasgoldilox · 08/03/2017 15:41

If you were the one walking and she the one with the car, what would you think?

It sounds as if you already like talking to her - so why not offer the lift. It won't be a huge burden even if it is everyday.

If it must be something for something - keep in mind that you might need someone to take your dc to school on a day when you can't do it. Life is unpredictable - you never know when you will be the one needing help.

ImLadybird · 08/03/2017 15:49

I can see it has the potential to get really messy but I would still offer while making it clear that sometimes it won't be convenient. Sure, it would be nice to carry on as you are, I get that. But life thrown up these things sometimes and we have to adjust. You already sound sympathetic to her financial position. This could make a massive difference to her. You could be really proud of yourself and set a good example to your DS. And you never know when you might need to ask her for a favour.

TileTileTile · 08/03/2017 15:51

I wouldn't offer the whole family a lift - what a faff putting a baby Seat into your car every day!

I would offer to take the little boy along with your son tho, and on the mornings when you aren't going (son sick etc.) I would send a text to let her know.

She might not want you to take him and maybe prefers to do it herself, perhaps she likes the exercise and getting the baby some fresh air.

TileTileTile · 08/03/2017 15:52

If you do this on the odd occasion when you can't take or pick up your child for any reason, I'm sure she would walk both of them there or home.

I would offer TBH, but I don't think you're being U by not.